I AM SO SICK OF APPLYING FOR JOBS!!!...
But I gotta keep on keepin on.
God willing... I'll be where I can feel passionate and grow stronger in adult rehabilitation care.
Happy weekend!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
3 dates in 5 days
Never in my life have I ever been out with 'someone of interest' that many times in such a short time frame. In fact, I don't even know if I've ever been on more than one date type scenario with anyone. Hold on....lemme think.....
No. I haven't.
Now, I don't know if I would necessarily claim these 'dates' as dates. Here's why.
Date 1: Thursday night he invited me to his birthday dinner (happening on Friday). I felt like that was a bit major for a first time get together, but I really wanted to see him after having such great conversations, so I agreed. I would estimate there were about 20 or so people in the room of the restaurant reserved for his birthday. I brought a friend along (for approval and support). It was really a great time and he was so charming. We didn't really get to converse or anything, but it was nice seeing him and getting a feel for his friends gave me an AWESOME view of the man. (PS. My friend THOROUGHLY approved of him, stating 'monsieur ca...bien compe!' ~ translation: that man there... great looking!)
He called me later on in the evening (I had to leave early to go to another birthday event~ I was invited to 4 events for birthdays on Friday... it was ridiculous... but I agreed to the first two requests and told the other two I was busy). We talked a bit about the rest of his evening and the rest of mine and I asked what he was up to the next day, and if he thought we might hang out (yes, I'm forward- I know). He invited me to hang out with he and his friends to watch football and then grab a bite to eat afterwards (tentative plans).
Date 2: Saturday day, got no calls til around 6:30pm.... from a friend who I was surprised to hear from. She invited me over for a few hours. On my way there, he called me and said his day ran long and he wondered if grabbing a movie would be ok. I said after I hung out with my friend, I didn't mind. He called back 30min later saying that his brother needed his car and that he wanted to raincheck. I really wanted to see him, so I suggested that I pick him up. Didn't really fly with him, but after giving him the choice between seeing me or not seeing me, he swallowed his pride and said he looked forward to catching the movie with me. Overall, he was a COMPLETE gentleman, making me laugh and telling me how much he liked me and just being a wonderful person the whole way through.
Date 3: Sunday night, another invitation; this time to a prayer session on Monday. (Did I mention he was a ride or die man of God?). It was the most unique prayer session I've ever been to because he actually cracks jokes with God too and his prayers had me dying. Of course we had moments of sincerity, but he was just as hilarious and honest and open with God as he is with everyone around him. Afterwards, he invited me to grab a bite and we just talked and talked for about 3 hours.
Yesterday was the first day that has gone by since last Thursday that I didn't hear from him, but he called today to explain the reason. He's definitely not just 'another guy' and my excitement over that makes me think too much. I'm trying to hold it in and keep myself in check, but with talks from him about being nervous that his mom might scare me away or conversations with my father (who I NEVER talk to about men) who tells me he knows the guy's dad since '92; my mind has run away from me a few times.
Alright... I've documented my lyfe, so now I'm off to read up on yours...
No. I haven't.
Now, I don't know if I would necessarily claim these 'dates' as dates. Here's why.
Date 1: Thursday night he invited me to his birthday dinner (happening on Friday). I felt like that was a bit major for a first time get together, but I really wanted to see him after having such great conversations, so I agreed. I would estimate there were about 20 or so people in the room of the restaurant reserved for his birthday. I brought a friend along (for approval and support). It was really a great time and he was so charming. We didn't really get to converse or anything, but it was nice seeing him and getting a feel for his friends gave me an AWESOME view of the man. (PS. My friend THOROUGHLY approved of him, stating 'monsieur ca...bien compe!' ~ translation: that man there... great looking!)
He called me later on in the evening (I had to leave early to go to another birthday event~ I was invited to 4 events for birthdays on Friday... it was ridiculous... but I agreed to the first two requests and told the other two I was busy). We talked a bit about the rest of his evening and the rest of mine and I asked what he was up to the next day, and if he thought we might hang out (yes, I'm forward- I know). He invited me to hang out with he and his friends to watch football and then grab a bite to eat afterwards (tentative plans).
Date 2: Saturday day, got no calls til around 6:30pm.... from a friend who I was surprised to hear from. She invited me over for a few hours. On my way there, he called me and said his day ran long and he wondered if grabbing a movie would be ok. I said after I hung out with my friend, I didn't mind. He called back 30min later saying that his brother needed his car and that he wanted to raincheck. I really wanted to see him, so I suggested that I pick him up. Didn't really fly with him, but after giving him the choice between seeing me or not seeing me, he swallowed his pride and said he looked forward to catching the movie with me. Overall, he was a COMPLETE gentleman, making me laugh and telling me how much he liked me and just being a wonderful person the whole way through.
Date 3: Sunday night, another invitation; this time to a prayer session on Monday. (Did I mention he was a ride or die man of God?). It was the most unique prayer session I've ever been to because he actually cracks jokes with God too and his prayers had me dying. Of course we had moments of sincerity, but he was just as hilarious and honest and open with God as he is with everyone around him. Afterwards, he invited me to grab a bite and we just talked and talked for about 3 hours.
Yesterday was the first day that has gone by since last Thursday that I didn't hear from him, but he called today to explain the reason. He's definitely not just 'another guy' and my excitement over that makes me think too much. I'm trying to hold it in and keep myself in check, but with talks from him about being nervous that his mom might scare me away or conversations with my father (who I NEVER talk to about men) who tells me he knows the guy's dad since '92; my mind has run away from me a few times.
Alright... I've documented my lyfe, so now I'm off to read up on yours...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
A throwback...
A post I wrote 2 yrs ago that still holds true. Funny how much I've changed from those days; and how much I have stayed so richly the same.
In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...... There are some days when I wake up in the morning completely dishearted at the life I lead. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a bad life. In fact, there are people who would give anything to be in the shoes that I walk in everyday. I have a loving family, a decent job, a warm home, and the ability to shop until my pockets run empty without any worry because I don't have any real bills to pay. I have the possibility of furthering my college education and making something extraordinaryof myself... and most of the time, I know that and I am grateful. But then there are those days when I wake up and all I want is to be someplace different and be someone different and live somehow differently from the way that I am living now. I want to have the ability to travel whenever the mood strikes and sleep my days away and do adventurous things as if there is not a care in the world... I want to have the ability to curl up in a huge sofa with my favorite fleece blanket and listen to my mother read me my favorite book... I want to know what it is like to do what you want when you want it without thought of Your Lyfe (parents, job, friends). I want to know the feeling of being so incredibly in love, your breath catches at the thought and you forget everything else. I yearn to be somewhere with someone who isn't too busy to tell me I'm wanted, who isn't afraid to show me how he feels, who isn't confused about what he wants, and who has sat and yearned to be somewhere with me. I want to be able to shave off all my hair and not think anything of it cause "I am not my hair".... I want to be able to create incredible written work that transcends time and space leaving a mark in all who know it... I want to portray a character who is so far from me that I need to lose myself in her to make the world believe that I AM SHE.... I want to sing a song so smooth and sweet that it glides over your skin, notes kissing fingers and toes, makin you feel oh so good at the sound... I want to feel rushing wind lacing its way around my body as i plummet to the earth or rushing water as I dive in face first...... I want to be that woman that does it all..... but for now, I'll just sit and hum that song I heard once.....
In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...
In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...... There are some days when I wake up in the morning completely dishearted at the life I lead. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a bad life. In fact, there are people who would give anything to be in the shoes that I walk in everyday. I have a loving family, a decent job, a warm home, and the ability to shop until my pockets run empty without any worry because I don't have any real bills to pay. I have the possibility of furthering my college education and making something extraordinaryof myself... and most of the time, I know that and I am grateful. But then there are those days when I wake up and all I want is to be someplace different and be someone different and live somehow differently from the way that I am living now. I want to have the ability to travel whenever the mood strikes and sleep my days away and do adventurous things as if there is not a care in the world... I want to have the ability to curl up in a huge sofa with my favorite fleece blanket and listen to my mother read me my favorite book... I want to know what it is like to do what you want when you want it without thought of Your Lyfe (parents, job, friends). I want to know the feeling of being so incredibly in love, your breath catches at the thought and you forget everything else. I yearn to be somewhere with someone who isn't too busy to tell me I'm wanted, who isn't afraid to show me how he feels, who isn't confused about what he wants, and who has sat and yearned to be somewhere with me. I want to be able to shave off all my hair and not think anything of it cause "I am not my hair".... I want to be able to create incredible written work that transcends time and space leaving a mark in all who know it... I want to portray a character who is so far from me that I need to lose myself in her to make the world believe that I AM SHE.... I want to sing a song so smooth and sweet that it glides over your skin, notes kissing fingers and toes, makin you feel oh so good at the sound... I want to feel rushing wind lacing its way around my body as i plummet to the earth or rushing water as I dive in face first...... I want to be that woman that does it all..... but for now, I'll just sit and hum that song I heard once.....In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The dimensions of virginity
I confuse people.
And I should.
I talk as though I know; I tease as though I would; I dance as though I should.
But I don't know from experience;
eventually the teasing will become a will, but for now it's a won't;
and there's alot of 'shoulds' out there, but I pick and choose which ones to actually do.
To top it off, I have been known to have unsermountable standards
....supposedly.
Honestly... I don't know about that. I don't have a list of what I want. I just have a very sharp reaction to what I like. I DO make the first move if I see something I like. I AM open and direct, more than not expressing 'I think you're cute and you and I should talk' without qualms or hesitation.
From my undergrad years when I used to chase after men and make ALL the effort, I know what I would do if I REALLY liked someone, so nowadays after the initial blast of aggression, I cool rather quickly to see where his mental/effort is before letting it all hang out on my end.
Once viriginity is told (within the first 3 conversations usually...) the situation fades to black with a graceless exit and a clear message of the true intent. A great bullshit detector..lol
There has been times when virginity has not been revealed and the same outcome occurs (more slowly of course) but that could be attributed to my very strong minded nature (not to be confused with opinionated or stagnant... I just think alot and that is expressed in my conversation). I am not a lightweight conversationalist, and if you are not truly a thinker, you have nothing for me...(could be perceived as a hurdle... i guess it is... labeled 'don't be stupid').
But as much I as I am a virgin
I am every inch a sexual person
I love touching, and kissing, and teasing play, and suggestive talk, and promising glances...
And I want all of those things when I date/comit/engage/marry.
But that's the movie, and I'm lacking on the previews. The courtship. The requests for my time for an event such as dinner, movies, museum tour, talking in the park, a moment with ice cream, hell~ a phone call just because is a rarity.
:sigh:
I can't help but wonder if I do it to myself. I've had my fair share of 'willing to tear you up' sexual moments ... but those have become tiresome, and are almost to the point of not doing anything for me anymore. And I still have a few people around me that would be MORE than willing to fulfill my every desire without me doing anything for them specifically; but I've never been one to settle for just the physicality of it all. If 'I want to make you cum' could do it, TRUST, it would have already happened. Those words from you is a goodbye from me. Try again...with someone who is NOT me.
But I've lacked the experience of a gaga'd man who didn't let me go.
Because I do get scared and I may push away a bit...it isn't outta the blue (I forewarn men of my nature... but I've yet to master how NOT to push...Maybe it's my own subconscious test of whether or not I'm wanted).
That's what it is.
I'm scared to death to go along with someone who isn't 100% sure he wants me (good, bad, fro'd, braided up, curly, sweet, salty, annoying, funny, mad, joyously happy, stressed, lazy and all that)
And I've always been scared.
People leave all the time for their own reasons, and some share their logic behind their departure, and some don't.
It happens every day... with family, friends, blog followers and every other kind of relationship
I guess it stems from the most important goodbye that I was never prepared to make...:deeper sigh:
So I may 'push' to see if he REALLY wants me
by starting to saying 'no' when he asks for me to come over; hoping he suggests to come get me to go out
Or not call back immediately; hoping he'll try again with a text or something to show he's eager to talk
Or shutting down the flirtatious lighthearted talk; hoping he'd be interested in my more revealing serious side
Because.... I'm INSECURE....there... I said it.
But it will not TOTALLY consume me and cause me to settle. I hope to stay strong and wait for the RIGHT man... not just the one who's sorta interested in me for now...
I know (and I've heard it always) that he will come into my life at the right time God willing..
One day.
Which could have been Wednesday...lol
I got his phone number because..
He's Haitian (YEH!)
God fearing
Funny
Cute
No kids
No girlfriend (a problem I had one too many times)
Has a job (I.S. department for the hospital I work/intern in)
:Koolaid Smile:
And he called me back (two days later, but that's ok... we're all busy...lol)
We didn't talk cause I was blinded by my shopping, but I'll call today.
So we'll see...and I'm hoping
This is longer than I intended... but as I said... I've been doing some thinking... and this was just one facet... Have a great weekend blog fam
And I should.
I talk as though I know; I tease as though I would; I dance as though I should.
But I don't know from experience;
eventually the teasing will become a will, but for now it's a won't;
and there's alot of 'shoulds' out there, but I pick and choose which ones to actually do.
To top it off, I have been known to have unsermountable standards
....supposedly.
Honestly... I don't know about that. I don't have a list of what I want. I just have a very sharp reaction to what I like. I DO make the first move if I see something I like. I AM open and direct, more than not expressing 'I think you're cute and you and I should talk' without qualms or hesitation.
From my undergrad years when I used to chase after men and make ALL the effort, I know what I would do if I REALLY liked someone, so nowadays after the initial blast of aggression, I cool rather quickly to see where his mental/effort is before letting it all hang out on my end.
Once viriginity is told (within the first 3 conversations usually...) the situation fades to black with a graceless exit and a clear message of the true intent. A great bullshit detector..lol
There has been times when virginity has not been revealed and the same outcome occurs (more slowly of course) but that could be attributed to my very strong minded nature (not to be confused with opinionated or stagnant... I just think alot and that is expressed in my conversation). I am not a lightweight conversationalist, and if you are not truly a thinker, you have nothing for me...(could be perceived as a hurdle... i guess it is... labeled 'don't be stupid').
But as much I as I am a virgin
I am every inch a sexual person
I love touching, and kissing, and teasing play, and suggestive talk, and promising glances...
And I want all of those things when I date/comit/engage/marry.
But that's the movie, and I'm lacking on the previews. The courtship. The requests for my time for an event such as dinner, movies, museum tour, talking in the park, a moment with ice cream, hell~ a phone call just because is a rarity.
:sigh:
I can't help but wonder if I do it to myself. I've had my fair share of 'willing to tear you up' sexual moments ... but those have become tiresome, and are almost to the point of not doing anything for me anymore. And I still have a few people around me that would be MORE than willing to fulfill my every desire without me doing anything for them specifically; but I've never been one to settle for just the physicality of it all. If 'I want to make you cum' could do it, TRUST, it would have already happened. Those words from you is a goodbye from me. Try again...with someone who is NOT me.
But I've lacked the experience of a gaga'd man who didn't let me go.
Because I do get scared and I may push away a bit...it isn't outta the blue (I forewarn men of my nature... but I've yet to master how NOT to push...Maybe it's my own subconscious test of whether or not I'm wanted).
That's what it is.
I'm scared to death to go along with someone who isn't 100% sure he wants me (good, bad, fro'd, braided up, curly, sweet, salty, annoying, funny, mad, joyously happy, stressed, lazy and all that)
And I've always been scared.
People leave all the time for their own reasons, and some share their logic behind their departure, and some don't.
It happens every day... with family, friends, blog followers and every other kind of relationship
I guess it stems from the most important goodbye that I was never prepared to make...:deeper sigh:
So I may 'push' to see if he REALLY wants me
by starting to saying 'no' when he asks for me to come over; hoping he suggests to come get me to go out
Or not call back immediately; hoping he'll try again with a text or something to show he's eager to talk
Or shutting down the flirtatious lighthearted talk; hoping he'd be interested in my more revealing serious side
Because.... I'm INSECURE....there... I said it.
But it will not TOTALLY consume me and cause me to settle. I hope to stay strong and wait for the RIGHT man... not just the one who's sorta interested in me for now...
I know (and I've heard it always) that he will come into my life at the right time God willing..
One day.
Which could have been Wednesday...lol
I got his phone number because..
He's Haitian (YEH!)
God fearing
Funny
Cute
No kids
No girlfriend (a problem I had one too many times)
Has a job (I.S. department for the hospital I work/intern in)
:Koolaid Smile:
And he called me back (two days later, but that's ok... we're all busy...lol)
We didn't talk cause I was blinded by my shopping, but I'll call today.
So we'll see...and I'm hoping
This is longer than I intended... but as I said... I've been doing some thinking... and this was just one facet... Have a great weekend blog fam
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Deep Thought
So I've been thinking.... and thinking... and thinking....
I'll let you know what the result of all of that thought reveals to me when i piece it all together....
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
New Beginnings (Fiction)
She sat staring at herself in the mirror not quite sure as to who she was looking upon. The parts; two almond shaped deep brown eyes set in warmed over caramel brown skin; one well defined nose that flared out into two delicate nostrils which sat atop one full sensual mouth; didn’t sum up to the whole. Instead, the parts just seemed disjointed and unremarkable in their attempt to form what was lost; her identity. She closed her eyes against the image and buried her face into her hands.
I don’t think I can do this.
How many times did she think this very thought in the span of an hour as she glanced over at her phone? This thought, an apparent gateway to deeper more exposing ones, scared her every time it made its way to the surface. Not because of its implications, but because of the ease in which her heart told this to her brain, or her brain to her heart, as though it were a certainty and not just fleeting. And the greatest worry was she didn’t know which sent the message, the brain or the heart and it seemed her soul wanted no part in the discussion and sat silent.
She looked back into the mirror, sweeping back her thick black hair and held it behind her. Maybe a new look is in order. This brought a slow smile to her lips. She could already hear her friends and family reprimanding her for even thinking such a thought. Black women did not cut their hair, especially if it flowed naturally and healthily well past finely sculpted slender shoulders to reach the midline of one’s back the way hers did. She released her hair and watched as the soft curls sprung back into disheveled disorder all around her. She cradled her chin in two slim hands and drummed her fingers against her perfectly placed high cheekbones. With a deep exhalation, she tried to keep the successive thoughts from following, but the messages weighed heavy in her eyes. I miss him.
Her eyes welled, but she moved swiftly before the first drop could fall and she slammed herself atop her bed, burying her face in the folds of her overstuffed down comforter. She stayed there for what seemed like forever, crying and hurting.
She awoke to the sound of rain gently hitting the panes of her expansive glass windows. She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling through the sheer beige lace of her canopied bed. She felt her phone vibrate before she heard it and shifted her wait to pull it from under her thinning frame. We’re here. The text message confused her until she scrolled up to see the sum of the letters: Jersey. Her lips fanned across her face with the deepest joy as she dropped the phone and rushed to her front door. Flying past her unnaturally tousled space of rumpled clothes and disorganized furry, she yanked the door open and flew into her best friends collective embrace.
Finally.
Jersey, Alex, and Rocki held her there for a bit, allowing her deep grip to send the message of how much they were needed.
‘God, it is so good to see you guys. Come in, come in. Sorry I tackled you, but you know… Um… Throw your stuff anywhere. Let me get you guys something to drink. Man, I can’t believe you’re here. I feel like it’s been forever. Rox, you look great honey. Did you lose weight?...’
And she continued in this rambling fashion, which she was infamous for whenever she felt unsure of what to say, for the next ten minutes as the threesome took in her measure. Finally, Alex silenced her with one of his smooth looks and light hand grip and said gently, ‘Shut up.’ She startled a bit, looked him right in the eye and then started laughing. This broke some of the tension and everyone eased into the moment.
‘Sorry. I know I’m rambling. I just know how awkward it is to deal with someone who has lost someone, and I didn’t want you guys to feel weird.’
‘It’s alright. We’ve met you, and we understand. But, I must ask, even though this is probably a dumb question…. How are you holding up?’ Jersey had never acquired the skill of beating around the bush, which had made her one of the most popular women at Howard, in good ways and bad.
The only response Jersey received was a shoulder shrug and a downcast gaze. And honestly, such gestures spoke volumes louder than any words ever conjured up across languages. She was broken.
I don’t think I can do this.
How many times did she think this very thought in the span of an hour as she glanced over at her phone? This thought, an apparent gateway to deeper more exposing ones, scared her every time it made its way to the surface. Not because of its implications, but because of the ease in which her heart told this to her brain, or her brain to her heart, as though it were a certainty and not just fleeting. And the greatest worry was she didn’t know which sent the message, the brain or the heart and it seemed her soul wanted no part in the discussion and sat silent.
She looked back into the mirror, sweeping back her thick black hair and held it behind her. Maybe a new look is in order. This brought a slow smile to her lips. She could already hear her friends and family reprimanding her for even thinking such a thought. Black women did not cut their hair, especially if it flowed naturally and healthily well past finely sculpted slender shoulders to reach the midline of one’s back the way hers did. She released her hair and watched as the soft curls sprung back into disheveled disorder all around her. She cradled her chin in two slim hands and drummed her fingers against her perfectly placed high cheekbones. With a deep exhalation, she tried to keep the successive thoughts from following, but the messages weighed heavy in her eyes. I miss him.
Her eyes welled, but she moved swiftly before the first drop could fall and she slammed herself atop her bed, burying her face in the folds of her overstuffed down comforter. She stayed there for what seemed like forever, crying and hurting.
She awoke to the sound of rain gently hitting the panes of her expansive glass windows. She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling through the sheer beige lace of her canopied bed. She felt her phone vibrate before she heard it and shifted her wait to pull it from under her thinning frame. We’re here. The text message confused her until she scrolled up to see the sum of the letters: Jersey. Her lips fanned across her face with the deepest joy as she dropped the phone and rushed to her front door. Flying past her unnaturally tousled space of rumpled clothes and disorganized furry, she yanked the door open and flew into her best friends collective embrace.
Finally.
Jersey, Alex, and Rocki held her there for a bit, allowing her deep grip to send the message of how much they were needed.
‘God, it is so good to see you guys. Come in, come in. Sorry I tackled you, but you know… Um… Throw your stuff anywhere. Let me get you guys something to drink. Man, I can’t believe you’re here. I feel like it’s been forever. Rox, you look great honey. Did you lose weight?...’
And she continued in this rambling fashion, which she was infamous for whenever she felt unsure of what to say, for the next ten minutes as the threesome took in her measure. Finally, Alex silenced her with one of his smooth looks and light hand grip and said gently, ‘Shut up.’ She startled a bit, looked him right in the eye and then started laughing. This broke some of the tension and everyone eased into the moment.
‘Sorry. I know I’m rambling. I just know how awkward it is to deal with someone who has lost someone, and I didn’t want you guys to feel weird.’
‘It’s alright. We’ve met you, and we understand. But, I must ask, even though this is probably a dumb question…. How are you holding up?’ Jersey had never acquired the skill of beating around the bush, which had made her one of the most popular women at Howard, in good ways and bad.
The only response Jersey received was a shoulder shrug and a downcast gaze. And honestly, such gestures spoke volumes louder than any words ever conjured up across languages. She was broken.
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