Chronicles of a Virgin

Oops...

2009-10-11T21:19:00.003-04:00

I guess I should have posted that I have a new page... I'm late... Oh well. I have done as many as my counterparts have done and blog rather sporatically anyway... So not missing much... If you're curious though: www.desysnewchronicles.blogspot.com

It's been awhile

2009-02-21T08:11:00.002-05:00

As usual- I've been a neglectful blogger... but I think I just care to do it for myself at this point which makes me feel far less guilty about being so random. I know when I post... and I know what's going on in my life...lol. But I do need to write.

Job: I really love what I do. In fact, I am so excited by it. The only problem is that because I work alone, I have limited opportunity to grow and develop my skills. I can do what I already know to do, and that isn't really all that spectacular. Maybe I should just start calling my former professors and internship supervisors. They are always telling me to keep in touch. You know what? I just typed out my solution...See this is why I gotta write...lol.

Solo living: I already got a noise complaint for loud music. Funny thing is, I'm barely ever home, and when I am here, I'm asleep. I had to call the office cause it was straight BULLSHIT! I play my music when I clean; which is in the middle of the fuckin day... Why oh why is that an issue? And then I was also accused of having lots of guests that take up all the parking. This is, I just moved here. I know like 5 people and truthfully, I go to their homes. I'm a picky about who comes here.

Friends: The only ones I've made down here all want to sleep with me. Not entirely a surprise when all I do is hang out with men, but I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the sexual attention without having a person who is normal in my life. My one good friend lives about an hour south of me, which isn't too serious; but I'm a driving therapist so I put a great deal of miles on my car on a daily basis. Hence, the lack of motivation to drive for my weekend activities. This week, I am spending some quality time with myself which is much needed. But overall, I need to figure out how to make female friends without seeming like a creepy lesbian (since I would only really meet females to go out with when I go out- which I would be doing alone)... The complicatedness of makin friends in a new city.

Sex: Gonna be a problem pretty soon here. But for now... I'm still in tact.

Love: I got nothin on the horizon... but I got the love of my parents and fam so I feel blessed.

Drama: Ch.ris Br.own and R.ihanna... that's all I've got to say about drama.

Alright, I'm gonna go be productive. Have a lovely Saturday!

Saturday Morning Fodder

2009-01-31T09:23:00.003-05:00

I love coming home.
It cleanses me, renews me, and offers me a fresh start.
I've always felt that way about this space.
And it's rejuvenating skills have revived me yet again.
I've been purged.
I hung out with family.
I hung out with friends.
I talked with relatives.
And I ate home cooking from my mama.
I drank (YEH! to Happy Hour) and flirted (my pasttime).
I no longer have that 'situation' I wrote about pounding my brain.
And even better, I got my license- so no more sitting around the house.

I woke up this morning to my father talking to me.
Asking for stuff.
Telling me that we need to talk about a few things.
But he doesn't want to talk now; maybe tomorrow.
I hate shyt like that.
Don't tell me you want to talk, and then push it off.
But he's my papy, so there really isn't any room to push that.
I just have to not think about it as best as I can.

I had a great night last night drinking.
Hanging out with older frat.
It was kinda nice, cause I didn't need to force anything.
I just sat back, mostly observing, and somehow conversation wafted my way.
I haven't had a group of friends like that....ever really..lol.
It's kind of securing.
Too bad it's in Orlando...lol.
But honestly, it recharged my batteries.
I also ran into a friend I've had since middle school.
That shyt was bananaz.
To see someone from my youth...smh.
I rarely have those kind of bump ins.
But we had a similar bump in my freshman year of college.
I guess maybe in some alternate universe we were suppose to be friends.
Maybe I'll facebook friend her lol.

It's Saturday morning and I'm lying in bed.
Why was it so cold last night.
I thought I left that kinda weather in DC.
I mean honestly; this is not right.
I don't want to move...

I can't believe I am starting work next week.
FINALLY!!!!!
I realize that I miss being a therapist.
But even more, I miss earning money.
This broke shyt is NOT fun.
I know it's weird to say; and I'm sure I'll wish for these days back when I'm swamped beyond measure- but I am REALLY ready to go to work.

Happy PreSuperBowl Saturday!

I gotta write

2009-01-26T02:43:00.003-05:00

My head is spinning.
I can't understand me or what just happened.
I'm talking to myself about this situation, but I can't seem to get over it.
Why can't I stop thinking about him.
Why can't I stop thinking about this.
I just hate how easily I let myself fall.
Fall into a situation where I slightly rely on another.
It shouldn't have happened.
But somewhere between the falling asleep on his couch, going with his crew to DC, and then fall asleep in his bed; I found myself trusting him.
Relying on him.
Letting him take care of me.
But that was wrong of me.
Because he's not at a place where he can be that to me.
And I know that.
So how is it that I let it happen?
But even worse, once I corrected it with my slightly inebriated tongue; why do I now miss it?
I should have never gotten to this place.
Trusting him the way I did.
Relying on him the way I did.
It's been five minutes.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Could I blame some of it on the fact that I'm alone in this city and I just want to have someone?
Maybe...
Could I blame it on his intense charm and magnetic personality?
Partially so...
But I must hold up the mirror to me and ask myself, WHY DID I LET MY GUARD DOWN?
I know he made me laugh.
I know he told me I'd be the newest part of the 'crew'.
I know that he invited me to do stuff when I am so accustom to being left out in the cold.
But why did I feel as though that pattern would continue.
I should have tredded those waters lightly, rather diving in head first;
because know I feel the bruising of bumping my head in the too shallow waters.
The attraction of the water was too hard to resist
and all I wanted was to be submerged.
Safe... like within my mother's womb.
I was actually ok with him taking care of things for me.
Appreciated it even.
Enjoyed the attention, affection, and interest.
But I couldn't let all of that continue without voicing my concerns.
He's a taken man; and although they are on their last leg, they are still holding on to it.
So I should have never been where I was.
And I should never have let myself feel what I now feel.
A loss.
DAMN!
I don't understand how my guard was put down so swiftly that I missed it happening.
Oh, to be treated in just the right way...
A rare thing for me.
The sarcasm with gentlemen touches;
The affection with the third grade influences;
The attention that fell intermittently rather than direct that somehow made me feel more desired than those who attend intensely;
The subconscious 'babes' and 'huns' that used to bother me with my ex; bring warmth and acceptance (cause every female in his camp is called that).
But once I voiced my concern about how closely we were walking on the line;
He swiftly corrected himself.
And now, I miss it.
I miss it, and I hate that I miss it, because I never should have had it.
I need to get out of this city for a few days.
I feel a bit sick with myself and this...
And yes, I feel like I'm over reacting as well... this also bothers me...sigh

Why don't I feel like blogging?

2009-01-12T15:24:00.017-05:00

I'm officially a bad blogger. I admit it. I am just not interested in talking about my life; however; ironically, I still want to share it here within this space. I still read, although I don't comment often and I go to some people's pages more frequently then others... There hasn't been much going on in my end, so there is no reason to feel like you've missed anything... but here are some quick highlights:

-My poor car was abused yet again. Thankfully it was only a 2 day repair... I don't know what it is about my karma with that vehicle, but it's bad... However, I'mma ride it out and hope for the best.

-My license application was 'returned to sender' because it weighed too much. It took 3 WEEKS for them to send it back to me! Truthfully, it's my fault. I just should have sucked it up and sent it priority the first time... but noooooooo, I wanted to save a few bucks. Well, I just prolonged how long it will take for the license to come it... 3 more weeks of waiting...sigh.

-My boss might ask to use me as a secretary while I wait for my license (no I didn't tell her the license situation cause they typically say it takes 6 weeks to cover their bases, so I'll be covered since they're averaging about 3 weeks for licensing with my friends who've graduated). I may do it, but who knows... She bought this new clinic and would need somebody in the front, so it would give her some time to look for someone appropriately rather than rushing into it... We'll see.

-I moved. I am finally living down in Palm Beach. The layout here is what they put on postcards when they say come to Florida. It is so damn pretty. Everything is perfectly placed and lovely. Now all I need are the additives of decorative accessories and I'll be a happy camper. Ya'll should stop by....

Graduation and more

2008-12-25T18:30:00.005-05:00

Can you guess which one I am?....lol. Those were just some of the girls I graduated with from the speech program. From left to right, Danielle, Nicole, Adair, ummmmm, Christina and me. I took a quick pic with Jackie after the ceremony (her dad is a photo marksman-lol). Overall, the ceremony was too long and too boring except for the moment that they gave a woman who had been murdered the masters degree she had worked so hard for but didn't live to receive (presented to her husband). Truthfully, I think the bachelors is the only 'ceremony' that is worth going to (unless your family insists). What is so funny is that I remember eyeballing the master's hoods when I was in undergrad and wanted to rock one- but as a masters, I was eagle eyein the doctoral robes and am ready to be in those shoes... eventually. For now, I'm just glad it's over cause I'm a bit tired of being the procrastinating responsible graduate student.

Right now, I'm laying on this futon with my parents downstairs and my brudder and sis in law in sandiago,cali (5am wake up call for me- aint it grand bein a chauffeur) and I am just reveling. I don't know if I will ever again in my life have time (and I mean TIME) to just sit around and be lazy, but the time between graduation and when my license comes in is and forever will be the most carefree time of my life. I'm (unfortunately) tied up traveling down south and shopping for apartment stuff; but I'm officially taking a break from that for the next week or so. I'm going to just enjoy doing NOTHING...

Merry Christmas to all!

Coming up for Air

2008-12-14T20:36:00.002-05:00

I only have a moment before I crash.

I've been shopping, and traveling, and contracting, and so many other things...

And tomorrow is back to MY NEW APARTMENT! to take measurements for everything. Then I have to be at graduation at 7:30AM! on Tues- shoot me in the face...

Then I have a date on Wednesday with a super cute Blockbuster guy that hooks me up with free DVDs! And possible dinner with friends I've collected through my graduate career for festivities and farewells...

I'm exhausted.

Night night

Done and Done!

2008-12-09T13:57:00.002-05:00

I submitted my final clinical hours and met with the graduate counselor for review of my grades today.

and...It's official.

I can now sign my name with M.A. CF-SLP after it from now on....

On to the formalities.

Graduation day: December 16, 2008 at 9:00am

WOO-HOO!

A Sunday Morning to Remember

2008-12-08T08:39:00.004-05:00

My sister in law is officially gangster.

Here's the story:
My brother went out of town to visit some friends in Miami and my sis in law (sil) decided to stay home. Well, towards the end of my brother's little vakay, he decided that instead of returning home in the daylight, he would return home in the middle of the night (cause he knew she would be there alone). Soooo, he hopped in his car at 2:00ish am and started the road to home. Meanwhile, sil is sleeping soundly at home. As my brother gets close to the house (at around 5:30am), he calls her to let her know that he has arrived early. Amazingly, she is so sound asleep that she does not hear her cellular phone. He opens the garage, enters the house- which sets off the alarm. This immediately wakes up sil and she flies to the house phone and calls the police, informing them that someone has broken in. My brother turns off the alarm, but just as that occurs, sil opens the window setting off the alarm once again. He tries to reset it again; meanwhile his wife is still on the phone with the police crawling out onto the roof of the garage. She thinks for one moment assessing the situation, and then jumps the 7.5 to 8 feet to the ground below (feet landing in mulch, hands and face landing on sidewalk). She begins screaming at the top of her lungs, running at top speed to the neighbors unaware of her broken wrist, badly damaged elbow, and bloody nose (not broken thankfully). My brother, hearing the screams, rushes out of the house to let his fully distressed wife know that it is just him. Interestingly, the neighbors never come out, but sil hears my brother and immediately feels like an idiot. He panics at the sight of her bloodied face and hands and awkwardly positioned arm. He rushes her inside to clean her up as the police arrive to investigate what exactly happened. Following all this amazingness, my brother joins my sil in her feelings of idiocy due to her inquisition into why he did not call the house phone....

All and all, they both felt a little upset about the whole thing. I on the other hand laughed a bit thinking 'She did WHAT?!'. But in retrospect, if it had been an intruder, she did the very best thing.

All I know is that my sis in law is officially gangster.

So I got a little irritated with the job offer from Palm Beach. She wanted to know every little detail of the offer in Melbourne in efforts to match what they were presenting. The thing is, if I wanted the offer in Melbourne so badly, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT. She adjusted some of the elements to her original offer to match theirs... which I didn't entirely mind when it came to salary (there was a $13,000 salary difference), but for other aspects I was a bit let down. Because she's a newly formed company, she didn't have PTO... but she offered time and a half after 35 hours of work. I felt that kinda balanced things out a bit (because the other company was time and a half after 40 hours). She stated that we could negotiate PTO as soon as she had the details of how they did their PTO. She doesn't have a 401K, life insurance, or disability; but she is a growing company and offered me opportunities to develop my skills in multiple settings as well as growth within her company (for promotions and such). She stated she covered health and dental 100% (no cost on my part); but she still wanted to know the percentage they were pulling from my checks to match that (I guess cause of the salary difference- who knows). I am unsure of whether or not I should have informed her of their salary and relocation number- but because there was such a difference I put it out there to see what she would say. She became OBSESSED with knowing how they were doing it, wanting the written contract so that she could review it with a fine tooth comb. I told her I could not, and would not provide her the minute details... I just gave her the overview (which was listed on their website) and told her that truthfully, I hoped that she didn't attempt to try to offer the same as this nationwide company that had far more resources that she (because she would fail- which I did not say). I did say that I wanted her to offer me the best that SHE could offer me and let me compare the differences and what worked best for me. Truthfully, if they are both the same, she will not win and I wanted to tell her that, but I didn't. The perks she offered me BEFORE she became so consumed with knowing how they paid me so much in salary appealed to me just as much as the salary did for the larger company. *sigh*. She is getting back to me today with her formal offer. Hopefully she brings back some of those old perks and keeps true to what she can do rather than trying to match the other company, cause at the end of the day, if their offer was what I wanted, I would have taken it already and no longer entertained her.

PS. Me and the boyfriend had a talk. He admitted to not being himself, trying desperately to make me happy (which makes me miserable) and not staying true to himself. I told he that label really ruined us and it needed some adjusting so that he would stop feeling so pressured to treat me the way he did. He agreed. So...no label, but still working things out to get back there.

Two Job Offers and a Breakup

2008-12-04T11:15:00.003-05:00

I went on my second interview yesterday. I really thought that I was going to accept the position in Melbourne... I mean, it's with a friend who raves about it. It has really good potential and I can see myself being financially cool. But this other job in Palm Beach Gardens (Jupiter) is no joke either. The owner (who was the one interviewing me) REALLY wants me, and she's not pulling any punches about it either. I mean damn- what is a girl to do? The blessings are running over and I'm feeling unworthy... but I will work hard to prove to myself that God didn't make any mistakes by showing me favor the way He has... cause obviously, He doesn't need any convincing...lol. All I know is either way, Desy is moving south and all by my lonesome...scurry...lol

In the last post, I kinda expressed the issues of my relationship toooo...ummmm.... well, not accurately enough. I got a bit of clarification on it... but essentially, my feelings haven't changed. I'm not happy even though he is a wonderful guy.

Ironically, my dad inquired about how my boyfriend felt about me moving, and my mother piped up from the couch to let him know that i was ending the romantic portion of the relationship. I explained it to my dad and he didn't understand... He didn't understand why I'm not elated that I have someone who is willing to bend backwards for me. It can be challenging explaining it, but honestly, it is an issue, cause when I do give examples, and really explain it... the people around me understand and support... so I know I'm not being irrational here.

But I'm digressing... my dad then asked me about how he was with his family and his finances... that made him readjust his mentality on me sticking through the relationship. My dad goes right to the heart of the surface stuff and makes that part of a priority... I have a tendency of looking at that later, but I knew that as our relationship continued, his family affairs and finances would become something of a concern... but I won't air it here. All I know is that the break up is happening... When it's gonna happen is still up for debate. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't genuinely like the guy and think that he is wonderful. He really is.... he's just not for me.

HE's TOO NICE!!!

2008-12-01T17:44:00.004-05:00

*huge sigh*

There. I said it.

I know that I'm gonna hear something from those who have read some of my past posts about men and who still actually keep up with my new adapted sporatic blog nature, but I HAVE to write about this.

I cannot do this boyfriend thing any longer.

If I were to look at a check list of things that would make a man great, my boyfriend would clean up. He is absolutely everything a girl could ever ask for. Sweet, considerate, understanding, sensitive, affectionate, employed, fit, and the list goes on. Any girl would be lucky to have a man like him.

But he's too nice for me. The mushy stuff, the 'anything you want', 'how can i make you happy' kinda stuff really is NOT for me. I mean, a girl likes to hear that she's beautiful... but ALL the time?! How am I suppose to feel when I really do make an effort to look beautiful and you call me that... It's just another comment.

And truthfully, I know what a wonderful guy he is. I mean, honestly... He is just the cream of the crop. It's rare to find someone like him.. so genuine, honest, and so willing to please.

But I need something different. I am finally starting to step out of the ideals of what I might want in a relationship, and moving into the things I KNOW I don't.

1 day to go for my internship, 15 days before graduation, and a month or so before beginning some job somewhere...lol.... I'm SUPER excited for my life to finally start beginning... all alone, in an apartment... with no family, no friends.... and just me myself and I.... scary...lol

A damn good first kiss...
I felt the air around my skin shift to give space to my newly developing goose bumps. The shallowing of my breath left me feeling as though I had drowned in an unexplainable pool of anticipation. Dark and murky, my vision was blurred and I couldn't help but claw at myself to make sure I was still here. I allowed myself to become lost in those dark pools of midnight and became further buried in the contours of each magnificent fleck that danced at the sight of me. His first sight of me. Though words had never been exchanged between his lips and my ear, my lips and his ear, our bodies fell in the comfortable dialogue of lustful longing as though it had been rehearsed. I hated the betrayal. He wasn't suppose to know his affect. But the smile that lined his smooth mouth expressed his knowledge of my form and all her messages with a blind certainty. It unnerved and excited me all within the span of my abbreviated inhalation. His scent, so rich and warm, danced along my nostrils into my lungs, engaged in a sensuous tango with arteries and veins, grinding its steps into the rhythm of my heart. As I exhaled, I could taste his dance on my buds and my tongue reveled in the newness of its flavor. He moved himself into me, placing a solitary hand on the small of my back and the other against the bar I rest against.... and before I could protest; his lips introduced mine to the art of contact and with each brush stroke of the tongue, the picture became evident: This was a damn good first kiss....

Fiction by Desy

Fine! I'll do a REAL post...lol

2008-11-13T19:05:00.004-05:00

- *Taking a moment to hum Hail to the Chief- neo soul style* - I did the most glorious happy dance when Bobama won.... and in tru Forrest Gump fashion- 'That's all I've got to say about that'

- It's been close to 2 months (the 19th). Thankfully, neither of us are monthiversary people, so I am ecstatic about that, but it doesn't mean I don't keep track...lol. How in all the world did I not push away this man... It astounds me every time I think about it. I mean, I can be rather difficult... and mildly argumentative.... and possibly to anal (double negatives in spoken language that is not surrounded by other typical African American vernacular BOTHERS me.... )
(But maybe I'm cute enough to overcome some of my faults...*giggle*)

- I have started the Twi.light series, and I can understand the obsession with the upcoming movie. These books are about 600 pgs... I've read 2 in 2.5 days, and I'm moving through book 3 with the pace of a freight train...

- I want to have a blog picnic. You know, where some of us are sitting around and just catching up... but because I've been a little sporatic with my reading, a 'blog dialogue' about a group picnic would be tough to pull out of my ass...lol... That and I kind of want a real one. Just to throw my life a curve ball... The routine is killing me.

-I don't understand why you have to dance in a BODY SUIT... I mean... Can you really say that a vid in black and white with you and 2 other girls shakin the shyt outta yourselves is artistic liberty? Forget get me bodied... I need to figure out how to get YOUR body...(well not really for me, but I know there are women out there that feel that way).

- I'm down to my last oreo...The TRAVESTY!...

- I haven't talked to my friend Roxy in a minute... (since a little after the dinner for the boyfriend and friends). The thing is, I felt like I was being a nuisance. Every time I called her, she was with her boyfriend (which is nothing too new), but I hated the breaks for 10-15min arguments they would have, or conversations they would have (adding her cousin) with each other, and me just being the electric device plastered to her ear that she doesn't really acknowledge... It happened twice and that was enough for me. Plus I think I'm getting to a place where I can't see myself being the major creator of plans/phone calls/hang outs forever... I WANNA retire. *sigh* I'll probably break... but I didn't today.

- Interning is outstanding, but I am SO ready to be done... honestly. I want to be graduated already.... As great as it is not to have an 'official' class, it really does feel the same as I get closer to the end. December 16th is approaching so swiftly that when I blink, I'll be there. Whose gonna celebrate with me?..lol

- I feel myself changing and growing... and I think I like it. *smiling*... HAPPY HOUR FRIDAY here I come! What are you up to?

Writer/Reader Block

2008-11-11T18:07:00.002-05:00

I haven't been in the mood.... Not really unique in the blogosphere... We all seem to experience shyt like that... Except for the veterans (Diva, Rashan, and the 365-Jameil...). But...ummm... I ain't the one....lol.

Time to get creative: New Beginnings Part II (Part I here)

For most of the evening, they laughed and reminisced about the days of old that held moments of such potent feelings of joy that the fleeting experience left its trail mark. Moments shared by six, but now only remembered by four. She was the quietest that night to no one’s surprise, but the sadness didn’t seem to be settled in her eyes the way it had been when they’d first arrived. Instead, they flashed with light and possibilities, dancing at the stories told reliving emotions that hadn’t been experienced in the two weeks since his passing. Tonight was much like that night five years ago, except Jarrod had been the one corralling the group after losing Frankie. Ah Frankie, who hated it when anyone called her Frances. A spit fire red head who stuck out like a sore thumb. Jarrod had always been the one to give her the hardest time, but she never backed down, which had cause a deep resounding relationship to formulate and which had made her loss hit him with the most severity. For the most part, he had been the strength during those times; telling stories, laughing from what seemed like the soul, being the shoulder everyone needed. But he never seemed to require anything and refused to allow anyone to see his hurt. But she had known. And she had been there, quietly, strongly, patiently waiting until he took his turn to crumble. Eventually, the weight of the world could no longer be bared upon his perfectly chiseled shoulders, and about one month following Frankie’s death, Jarrod found himself standing in front of her door seeking comfort. It was in those hours, days, weeks, that her spirit had been felt within him and she had been able to ease away the edge of his pain with her gentle smile, rambling diatribes, and embracing touch. It was in those hours, days, weeks, that he had found that her love was not only the love of a friend, but so much more and he had finally recognized the potential of what they could be.

‘Hey, Alex and Jersey are asleep. You want to take a walk with me?’ Rocki pulled her out of the mental ravine with a sharp shoulder shake. She smiled her response and they whispered out of the still dimly light living room on socked footsteps.

The air was crisp and sharply hinted at the exquisite cold about to come. Silence blanketed their early morning walk as they took in the beauty of D.C. in the fall all around them. The sun, barely kissing the sky, still managed to push the black away, turn off the stars, and offer a glowing hum for those rise and shine joggers.

‘Did you know that I was jealous of the two of you for a long time?’ Rocki, not quite as blunt as Jersey, always found an interesting moment to air herself.

‘Why?’

‘Because….,’ a shrug jarred their linking arms, ‘well, because you two were just so Monica and Chandler… Even when you argued, that shit wasn’t really an argument.’

She chuckled a bit because there were those times when they had really had arguments. Overall though, Rocki was right. The personality of their friendship had lended itself to their relationship and had colored it beautifully. True arguments were few and far between, but by no means were they anything to be jealous of.

‘Well, I guess we were a bit ‘Friends’ like, but com’on. You know we would’ve killed each other if it hadn’t been for the great sex.’

Rocki let out a rich explosion of laughter and shook her head at such a sentence.

‘You are too much.’

I am an egotist

2008-10-23T19:53:00.002-04:00

Or so my supervisor (the male one) tells me.... but he says it's normal from someone my age who is achieving what I'm achieving... I just gotta keep it in check, cause in truth, that degree means shyt. It's what you do in your first year out that really matters.

I'm not gonna lie... I can be a bit self absorbed (HELLO! I have a blog for chrisakes). I sometimes think it's because I try to be as self aware as possible, but when it comes to being a speech therapist... I gotta leave me out of it. How challenging.... I find myself sometimes talking with my patients about me in hopes that I may be able to build a common ground; relate in some way, so that trust may/can be built and intervention can leap across benchmarks. WELLLLLL, that theory is completely a wrong one... and I've been wrong about alot of things in these last few days.

And that is entirely what a girl like me needs. I want to be the best, and I want to learn as much as I can to become the best... but with all of these different therapy styles, I definitely have a hard time seeing/knowing which method is the best or which one would work best for me. I'm truly at a loss. The worse thing about it is that I won't know that answer to the question for years (potentially).... In the mean time, I just kinda have to do my best to be a little less self aware in regards to what makes me tick, and more self aware as to how what I do affects the patient.

so...ummmm... how are you doing? is there anything you want to know? is there something you feel i should work on?....lol... take it seriously or not... i appreciate the read.

Random Fodder

2008-10-15T19:26:00.004-04:00

My supervisor went on vacation for 2 days at my internship. Do I get a vacation? Sure don't. But the supervisor I have in the interim will force my independence and thinking skills. He is one who will let me fall and then later let me think about how or where I screwed up; and if I don't recognize my errors, he will guide me there and simply offers me the opportunity to rectify it later. For me... it's a better way to learn- but the supervisor I have is great too... it's just a different style. I'll make the most of my two days in the mean time.

Things are going well with the boyfriend. I realize I couldn't do the everyday bullshit at this point. Initially, yeah, but I needed to spread my alone wings just a bit after 12 out of 14 days of me and him time. Needing to miss him is vital for my sanity... and being single for so long REALLY amplifies that need beyond what regular girls might need. But he's understanding and he is feelin me more than I think I might deserve...lol.

I love being at home with the parental units; but I am counting the end of those days. I want my own little piece of the world. I recognize these are the best years of my life in the financial standpoint (no rent, mortgage, accompanying bills, and grocery purchases); however, it.is.time. I can't do curfew's, asking permission, or conferencing for much longer... I'mma lose it. But the love I got for the parentals runs deep... so although I don't want to live with them... I could get down with living next door (lol). Of course, that will not be an option, but I'm just sayin.

My blog family has become smaller and more infrequent. Ironically, unlike other bloggers I've experienced in my time as a semi consistent blogger, I'm actually ok with the 'every now and then' commentary from those I consider to be fam... and the reduced number of my 'comment' section. The fact that I still get on this computer and write down whatever whenever and visit who I WANT to visit (not who comes to visit me) tells me that I am still being a true to my heart blogger and just doin it cause I still enjoy it. And when I'm done, then I'll just stop posting. No goodbye, no warning.... just a regular post about regular things that forever stays on the top of my page....(ya'll can thank Rashan for that... he gave me the idea to end it that way...lol)

I'm unsure if I'm going to watch this third debate. I've seen the previous 2 and although the second was far better than the first, I feel as though I am so comfortable with my political choice, that I don't know if I really feel like listening to these two men further continue to go on and on about all of their hypotheticals (cause that's all it is until it is put into action). I just feel like I'm observing the longest job interview ever and I'm just ready for some to fill the position already.

Speaking of filling the position... I won't be getting the dream job in ATL... They don't accept CFY's (clinical fellowship year). This is actually a post within itself, but a brief synopsis: following my graduation with my Masters in this profession, my first year or so out, I will STILL need to be supervised (not directly with each patient like right now, but sporatically) until the supervisor deems me to be clinically competent, earning my C's (certificate of clinical competency-CCC). And my dream job does not have someone who could oversee my fellowship year. Personally I think that's bullshit, but whatever.

My dad is a genius. I dropped my phone in the pool on Sunday and was completely discouraged. I had like 50 numbers in that damn phone that I didn't have memorized and no sim card to speak of (cause sprint don't get down like that). Anyway, my dad tells me to stick it in some dry rice. Dry rice? *face* - ok. Well.... my phone works beautifully after 24hrs of a rice bath. I would have NEVER thought of that shyt myself. He makes me feel stupid cause he's got more logic in his pinky than I will ever acquire across three lifetimes. And there is more evidence of this than just this experience, but this one was just another layer of icing to the already sweetened cake.

I'm out. See you soon fam....i leave you with neyo's new joint... i'mma be dere soon yo!...lol

His name is Jennifer

2008-10-11T10:00:00.005-04:00

My friends are ridiculous. And NEVER on time! I set up a dinner for about 1o or so of my friends to meet up at the O.rlando A.le Ho.use. I said 7:00-7:30 knowing what I would be getting myself into with the people in my life. I figured the 'on time' ones would at LEAST be there around 8:00 and the 'late' ones would trickle in around 8:45 ish. So the boyfriend got there a bit before me and reserved 2 high tops next to each other (7:30). As we chatted, my 'most hilarious' male friend (joey) and his lady (steph) arrived (8:20). It was so interesting to hear about me via the eyes of joey cause he really put it ALL out there (aka. calling me the 21st century Clai.re Huxtable). He called me out in my mothering nature: correcting people's speech and inaccurate language use (I'm a speech therapist...it's what I do!...lol; but I should rein it in a bit I guess); my blunt nature: essentially being direct with the advice giving rather than sugar coating; and my authoritative nature: quoting 'tell me what happen without all the bullshit- go'... (for the record, I have NEVER said that, but I will admit, I do have moments of being a authoritative... but isn't that women in general?). 2 additional guy friends arrived following this discussion (alex and andy) and conversation evovled from discussions of me to discussion of ucf (our college) (8:55). Meanwhile, the additional table we reserved was taken....twice! (when one got taken, we got another, and then THAT one got taken). I was annoyed that at no point did anyone apologize, but I couldn't really be too pissed because we had plenty of room for the people who had arrived and I had no idea when the additional 3 invitees would be arriving. It can be challenging to get a table reservations for people who hadn't arrived 2 hours after the 'event' began. I figured we'd get it situated when they did arrive. I payed alot of attention to the boyfriend (who was affectionately touching my leg under the table...awww) and he seemed to be enjoying my friends. 2 high tops opened across the way of where we were and we all got up and moved. It was actually a better set up and right as that happen, the prodical best friend arrived with her boyfriend and cousin (9:45 ish). That's when things REALLY got interesting. Conversation got louder and more outlandish (hence the title of this post-talkin about if your daughter was the butch lesbian and your co worker asked the name of your son....lol). It really was hilarity at it's finest. Overall, the night was a HUGE success and I had the BEST time. Of course, everyone ended the night talking about how we should do get togethers more often (which is the usual commentary). Well, the memory of last night is in this space, never to be forgotten or faded...

Halloween party with the sis in law, brudder, and boyfriend tonight.... should be interesting. Have a great weekend fam!

In case you were wondering- A head shot of the boyfriend for your viewing pleasure...lol. More to come I'm sure...

VP Debate SNL Style

2008-10-06T17:33:00.002-04:00

Ok... so I'm lazy

2008-10-05T13:14:00.000-04:00

And it keeps getting worse as time progresses.

I just don't want to do anything with my free time; which I actually have (finally).

What I don't have....is money.

BUT... there are things that I can do that don't require money (or so I'm told)... however, they require gas, which leads me back to needing money.

So I'm enjoying the walls of my house.

I could clean, but who wants to do that...

I could cook, but the only types of food here are traditional ingredients for haitian cuisine (which I get enough of). I could get groceries.... but we already know what that requires and we already know the problem with that.

All I've been doing is reading books and watching tv...

And spending time with the boyfriend.

Yes, its official.

He threw out boxes and everything (yes box, what the hell am I thinking box, no fuckin way box, and I'm gonna ruin this man's life with a smile of my face box.... this was him. It was entertaining)

He met the parents.

I don't think I've ever discussed that my father is not traditionally religious, which of course has influenced me... but I am still a bit of a hybrid between my mother who was EXTREMELY bible driven and my father, who is far more philosophical about it.

So the boyfriend being INTENSELY religious makes conversations very....interesting. He is still trying to figure out how I feel about it, but being a hybrid kinda makes me a bit confusing...lol.

*smh*

I haven't even known the kid for a month and we are already into these heavy discussions.

Oh well... All I can do is what feels right one day at a time and try not to look too far ahead, or measure it against anything but what I instinctually feel; and being his girlfriend.

I saw my dream job in Atlanta,GA. I've emailed the recruiter... Hopefully he gives me good news.

Talk to you soon.

AHHHH!

2008-09-27T12:52:00.001-04:00

I AM SO SICK OF APPLYING FOR JOBS!!!...

But I gotta keep on keepin on.

God willing... I'll be where I can feel passionate and grow stronger in adult rehabilitation care.

Happy weekend!

3 dates in 5 days

2008-09-24T16:16:00.002-04:00

Never in my life have I ever been out with 'someone of interest' that many times in such a short time frame. In fact, I don't even know if I've ever been on more than one date type scenario with anyone. Hold on....lemme think.....

No. I haven't.

Now, I don't know if I would necessarily claim these 'dates' as dates. Here's why.

Date 1: Thursday night he invited me to his birthday dinner (happening on Friday). I felt like that was a bit major for a first time get together, but I really wanted to see him after having such great conversations, so I agreed. I would estimate there were about 20 or so people in the room of the restaurant reserved for his birthday. I brought a friend along (for approval and support). It was really a great time and he was so charming. We didn't really get to converse or anything, but it was nice seeing him and getting a feel for his friends gave me an AWESOME view of the man. (PS. My friend THOROUGHLY approved of him, stating 'monsieur ca...bien compe!' ~ translation: that man there... great looking!)

He called me later on in the evening (I had to leave early to go to another birthday event~ I was invited to 4 events for birthdays on Friday... it was ridiculous... but I agreed to the first two requests and told the other two I was busy). We talked a bit about the rest of his evening and the rest of mine and I asked what he was up to the next day, and if he thought we might hang out (yes, I'm forward- I know). He invited me to hang out with he and his friends to watch football and then grab a bite to eat afterwards (tentative plans).

Date 2: Saturday day, got no calls til around 6:30pm.... from a friend who I was surprised to hear from. She invited me over for a few hours. On my way there, he called me and said his day ran long and he wondered if grabbing a movie would be ok. I said after I hung out with my friend, I didn't mind. He called back 30min later saying that his brother needed his car and that he wanted to raincheck. I really wanted to see him, so I suggested that I pick him up. Didn't really fly with him, but after giving him the choice between seeing me or not seeing me, he swallowed his pride and said he looked forward to catching the movie with me. Overall, he was a COMPLETE gentleman, making me laugh and telling me how much he liked me and just being a wonderful person the whole way through.

Date 3: Sunday night, another invitation; this time to a prayer session on Monday. (Did I mention he was a ride or die man of God?). It was the most unique prayer session I've ever been to because he actually cracks jokes with God too and his prayers had me dying. Of course we had moments of sincerity, but he was just as hilarious and honest and open with God as he is with everyone around him. Afterwards, he invited me to grab a bite and we just talked and talked for about 3 hours.

Yesterday was the first day that has gone by since last Thursday that I didn't hear from him, but he called today to explain the reason. He's definitely not just 'another guy' and my excitement over that makes me think too much. I'm trying to hold it in and keep myself in check, but with talks from him about being nervous that his mom might scare me away or conversations with my father (who I NEVER talk to about men) who tells me he knows the guy's dad since '92; my mind has run away from me a few times.

Alright... I've documented my lyfe, so now I'm off to read up on yours...

A throwback...

2008-09-18T19:57:00.003-04:00

A post I wrote 2 yrs ago that still holds true. Funny how much I've changed from those days; and how much I have stayed so richly the same.

In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...... There are some days when I wake up in the morning completely dishearted at the life I lead. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a bad life. In fact, there are people who would give anything to be in the shoes that I walk in everyday. I have a loving family, a decent job, a warm home, and the ability to shop until my pockets run empty without any worry because I don't have any real bills to pay. I have the possibility of furthering my college education and making something extraordinaryof myself... and most of the time, I know that and I am grateful. But then there are those days when I wake up and all I want is to be someplace different and be someone different and live somehow differently from the way that I am living now. I want to have the ability to travel whenever the mood strikes and sleep my days away and do adventurous things as if there is not a care in the world... I want to have the ability to curl up in a huge sofa with my favorite fleece blanket and listen to my mother read me my favorite book... I want to know what it is like to do what you want when you want it without thought of Your Lyfe (parents, job, friends). I want to know the feeling of being so incredibly in love, your breath catches at the thought and you forget everything else. I yearn to be somewhere with someone who isn't too busy to tell me I'm wanted, who isn't afraid to show me how he feels, who isn't confused about what he wants, and who has sat and yearned to be somewhere with me. I want to be able to shave off all my hair and not think anything of it cause "I am not my hair".... I want to be able to create incredible written work that transcends time and space leaving a mark in all who know it... I want to portray a character who is so far from me that I need to lose myself in her to make the world believe that I AM SHE.... I want to sing a song so smooth and sweet that it glides over your skin, notes kissing fingers and toes, makin you feel oh so good at the sound... I want to feel rushing wind lacing its way around my body as i plummet to the earth or rushing water as I dive in face first...... I want to be that woman that does it all..... but for now, I'll just sit and hum that song I heard once.....
In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...

The dimensions of virginity

2008-09-13T11:33:00.005-04:00

I confuse people.
And I should.

I talk as though I know; I tease as though I would; I dance as though I should.
But I don't know from experience;
eventually the teasing will become a will, but for now it's a won't;
and there's alot of 'shoulds' out there, but I pick and choose which ones to actually do.

To top it off, I have been known to have unsermountable standards
....supposedly.

Honestly... I don't know about that. I don't have a list of what I want. I just have a very sharp reaction to what I like. I DO make the first move if I see something I like. I AM open and direct, more than not expressing 'I think you're cute and you and I should talk' without qualms or hesitation.

From my undergrad years when I used to chase after men and make ALL the effort, I know what I would do if I REALLY liked someone, so nowadays after the initial blast of aggression, I cool rather quickly to see where his mental/effort is before letting it all hang out on my end.

Once viriginity is told (within the first 3 conversations usually...) the situation fades to black with a graceless exit and a clear message of the true intent. A great bullshit detector..lol

There has been times when virginity has not been revealed and the same outcome occurs (more slowly of course) but that could be attributed to my very strong minded nature (not to be confused with opinionated or stagnant... I just think alot and that is expressed in my conversation). I am not a lightweight conversationalist, and if you are not truly a thinker, you have nothing for me...(could be perceived as a hurdle... i guess it is... labeled 'don't be stupid').

But as much I as I am a virgin
I am every inch a sexual person
I love touching, and kissing, and teasing play, and suggestive talk, and promising glances...

And I want all of those things when I date/comit/engage/marry.

But that's the movie, and I'm lacking on the previews. The courtship. The requests for my time for an event such as dinner, movies, museum tour, talking in the park, a moment with ice cream, hell~ a phone call just because is a rarity.

:sigh:

I can't help but wonder if I do it to myself. I've had my fair share of 'willing to tear you up' sexual moments ... but those have become tiresome, and are almost to the point of not doing anything for me anymore. And I still have a few people around me that would be MORE than willing to fulfill my every desire without me doing anything for them specifically; but I've never been one to settle for just the physicality of it all. If 'I want to make you cum' could do it, TRUST, it would have already happened. Those words from you is a goodbye from me. Try again...with someone who is NOT me.

But I've lacked the experience of a gaga'd man who didn't let me go.
Because I do get scared and I may push away a bit...it isn't outta the blue (I forewarn men of my nature... but I've yet to master how NOT to push...Maybe it's my own subconscious test of whether or not I'm wanted).

That's what it is.
I'm scared to death to go along with someone who isn't 100% sure he wants me (good, bad, fro'd, braided up, curly, sweet, salty, annoying, funny, mad, joyously happy, stressed, lazy and all that)
And I've always been scared.
People leave all the time for their own reasons, and some share their logic behind their departure, and some don't.
It happens every day... with family, friends, blog followers and every other kind of relationship

I guess it stems from the most important goodbye that I was never prepared to make...:deeper sigh:

So I may 'push' to see if he REALLY wants me
by starting to saying 'no' when he asks for me to come over; hoping he suggests to come get me to go out
Or not call back immediately; hoping he'll try again with a text or something to show he's eager to talk
Or shutting down the flirtatious lighthearted talk; hoping he'd be interested in my more revealing serious side

Because.... I'm INSECURE....there... I said it.

But it will not TOTALLY consume me and cause me to settle. I hope to stay strong and wait for the RIGHT man... not just the one who's sorta interested in me for now...

I know (and I've heard it always) that he will come into my life at the right time God willing..

One day.

Which could have been Wednesday...lol
I got his phone number because..
He's Haitian (YEH!)
God fearing
Funny
Cute
No kids
No girlfriend (a problem I had one too many times)
Has a job (I.S. department for the hospital I work/intern in)

:Koolaid Smile:
And he called me back (two days later, but that's ok... we're all busy...lol)
We didn't talk cause I was blinded by my shopping, but I'll call today.

So we'll see...and I'm hoping

This is longer than I intended... but as I said... I've been doing some thinking... and this was just one facet... Have a great weekend blog fam

Deep Thought

2008-09-07T00:48:00.005-04:00

So I've been thinking.... and thinking... and thinking....

I'll let you know what the result of all of that thought reveals to me when i piece it all together....

New Beginnings (Fiction)

2008-09-02T19:05:00.001-04:00

She sat staring at herself in the mirror not quite sure as to who she was looking upon. The parts; two almond shaped deep brown eyes set in warmed over caramel brown skin; one well defined nose that flared out into two delicate nostrils which sat atop one full sensual mouth; didn’t sum up to the whole. Instead, the parts just seemed disjointed and unremarkable in their attempt to form what was lost; her identity. She closed her eyes against the image and buried her face into her hands.
I don’t think I can do this.
How many times did she think this very thought in the span of an hour as she glanced over at her phone? This thought, an apparent gateway to deeper more exposing ones, scared her every time it made its way to the surface. Not because of its implications, but because of the ease in which her heart told this to her brain, or her brain to her heart, as though it were a certainty and not just fleeting. And the greatest worry was she didn’t know which sent the message, the brain or the heart and it seemed her soul wanted no part in the discussion and sat silent.
She looked back into the mirror, sweeping back her thick black hair and held it behind her. Maybe a new look is in order. This brought a slow smile to her lips. She could already hear her friends and family reprimanding her for even thinking such a thought. Black women did not cut their hair, especially if it flowed naturally and healthily well past finely sculpted slender shoulders to reach the midline of one’s back the way hers did. She released her hair and watched as the soft curls sprung back into disheveled disorder all around her. She cradled her chin in two slim hands and drummed her fingers against her perfectly placed high cheekbones. With a deep exhalation, she tried to keep the successive thoughts from following, but the messages weighed heavy in her eyes. I miss him.
Her eyes welled, but she moved swiftly before the first drop could fall and she slammed herself atop her bed, burying her face in the folds of her overstuffed down comforter. She stayed there for what seemed like forever, crying and hurting.

She awoke to the sound of rain gently hitting the panes of her expansive glass windows. She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling through the sheer beige lace of her canopied bed. She felt her phone vibrate before she heard it and shifted her wait to pull it from under her thinning frame. We’re here. The text message confused her until she scrolled up to see the sum of the letters: Jersey. Her lips fanned across her face with the deepest joy as she dropped the phone and rushed to her front door. Flying past her unnaturally tousled space of rumpled clothes and disorganized furry, she yanked the door open and flew into her best friends collective embrace.
Finally.

Jersey, Alex, and Rocki held her there for a bit, allowing her deep grip to send the message of how much they were needed.

‘God, it is so good to see you guys. Come in, come in. Sorry I tackled you, but you know… Um… Throw your stuff anywhere. Let me get you guys something to drink. Man, I can’t believe you’re here. I feel like it’s been forever. Rox, you look great honey. Did you lose weight?...’

And she continued in this rambling fashion, which she was infamous for whenever she felt unsure of what to say, for the next ten minutes as the threesome took in her measure. Finally, Alex silenced her with one of his smooth looks and light hand grip and said gently, ‘Shut up.’ She startled a bit, looked him right in the eye and then started laughing. This broke some of the tension and everyone eased into the moment.

‘Sorry. I know I’m rambling. I just know how awkward it is to deal with someone who has lost someone, and I didn’t want you guys to feel weird.’

‘It’s alright. We’ve met you, and we understand. But, I must ask, even though this is probably a dumb question…. How are you holding up?’ Jersey had never acquired the skill of beating around the bush, which had made her one of the most popular women at Howard, in good ways and bad.

The only response Jersey received was a shoulder shrug and a downcast gaze. And honestly, such gestures spoke volumes louder than any words ever conjured up across languages. She was broken.

Interning Again

2008-08-31T10:55:00.007-04:00

I started my full time internship this week. It's 20min from (or with 75cent toll, 10min) and it's the reasonable Mon-Fri 8-4. I'm working with brain injury patients ages ranging from 16-90 and I am liking it alot so far. My supervisor is a mile a minute thinker/talker and is the classic definition of A type personality, but I can handle it.

I don't understand him. And I hate being confused. Because then I sit and ruminate over our interaction from the time I met him (4yrs ago) til today trying to analyze and understand. But I'm starting to get that no matter how much I try, I just won't get it. We've always been friends. Mostly because I have great people skills and he's allowed me to exercise them, but I feel the appreciation of me keeping in touch when others don't always. Sometimes. But recently, our conversations have been.... different. Mostly because of he's prodding and inquiry... and I think, flirting. Really? Can I really call it that?... hmmmm... But then he comes to Orlando (from Jacksonville, a 2hr drive), and I don't hear from him and he doesn't try to link up. But when he goes back to Jville, he'll call and want to discuss how he wishes he'd had time to see me... I don't do good with talkers... Because if your actions don't match, what can I do with words? He's such a great guy though, and over the years, our friendship has brought comfort to me, and surprised me in ways that I really do feel as though he's enriched my life. Hmmm....

What the hell am I watching... this is a weird ass movie for real...

Such a relaxing weekend. I actually got the holiday off (which surprises me since I'm working in the hospital and people don't really take holidays off)... It's apparently my supervisor's year for having the holidays, so she'll also be off for Thanksgiving. I hope my brother barbecues. I haven't been to enough of those in my lifetime.

Man, it does not feel like Sunday. Maybe because I didn't do my regimented happy hour, dance all night friday. But I hung out with my bestest friday, and helped her out with setting up her classroom yesterday. Then we chilled and it was a nice way to spend the weekend... I'm thinking I want to go to poetry night tonight at this club I've never been to... I hear good things...

I've started looking for a job... This is going to be a long journey....

I know I don't talk about politics alot, but when you were watching the DNC acceptence speech of B-bomb and they would cut to a shot of Michelle... am I the only one that made up commentary of what she might be thinking?... I mean, she had such an intense look and she's so together most of the time, I just let my imagination run rampent and I was rolling... If you didn't... look at it again and by all means, make up some commentary... you will find your inner comedian within that space.

I'm off... more laziness needs to be achieved... enjoy your extended weekend!

Oh yeh... I forgot to mention. I've completed the short story for Essenc.e and will be submitting it... Wish me luck!

Unfinished things

2008-08-21T23:07:00.003-04:00

I think about you
In the increments of time that are whispered between uncountable moments across the expanse of space that ventures beyond the possibility of thought and word.
I think about you
Every conception saturated by flashes of teeth, vibrations of laughter, exquisite moments of...just being where eyes sit locked inside invisible rooms with mahogany walls.
I think about you
Uncontrollably and unconventionally, causing moments when skin shutters and legs cross and lips are moistened; leaving desire to seep from images to flesh.
I think about you
As more than just a yesterday that poured its way into today and seems to have every intention of leaking into tomorrow... and that's a little scary.

And that's all I got... maybe I'll finish this piece (or maybe it's already done.. who knows)

Soooo... cousin left. And you know, I actually liked him more towards the end there. I'm so unaccustomed to having people around me anymore (it's been about 4yrs or so since my brother lived here), but I'm all about it... usually. Well, this was definitely not one of those times. Reason? Well, my cousin was a bit shy. Painfully so. So much so, that he was actually rude. It got to the point where I couldn't take him with me to certain things because he would refuse to socialize properly. My poor friends would inquire, but one word responses can only take a conversation so far and unfortunately, it was not their duty to make him feel comfortable. I also have the feeling that he really didn't want to grow comfortable, so I didn't feel to bad about leaving him behind after a while. Another thing that made things a bit trying: he asked for things last minute. I would give him a run down of things we would do that day, and we'd get in the car, he would explain there were things that he needed to accomplish first. One thing I hate feeling like is a chauffeur... and it happen MULTIPLE times, even though I explained that doing that messed me up (since I was on a schedule with him). Don't let me sit around the house all morning and then right as we are about to leave to make it to some event (eg movie, dinner, social engagement with fam) you THEN tell me you need to take care of something. Why didn't you tell me 3 hours ago?!?! Now we're gonna be late (which I hate) and that is gonna make things uncomfortable (when you are already going to BE uncomfortable because you are shy...sigh... dude, I'm trying to help you out, but whatever...lol). It was kind of hilarious, cause my anger is like a flash of light. You don't even realize you just saw it... I would speak on it in a rather strong discussion voice and then within the next breath, I would be joking (which probably made him acka fool multiple times through his time here). Future reference: 12days is too damn long to visit people you have never met in your life. I don't give a damn that their blood... Don't do it!

I tried to figure out what the vacation would have been like if I were shy. People are always telling me to take things like that into consideration, but damn, why do I always gotta make the extra effort cause I'm social. Well, I decided to give him a small piece of what he was like and I completely shut down. I responded with one word responses and I didn't make eye contact and he kept prying and prying (of course this was after 7 or 8 days of non stop me me me, so he was over his shyness at this point). Part of it was me giving him a dose of himself, but part of me was just talked out. I was sick of being the pusher and so switching roles was a nice change... After maybe 3 questions... he gave up...lol. Some people just don't have the stamina to be aggressive questionnaires...

I did like having fam around, but he's young minded and feels he knows it all (telling me how I should manipulate my laptop... you have only been dealing with computers for 3 yrs sweetheart... I think I got this thank you); as well as being a bit ego centric (loved taking photos of himself... and just himself... no one else...but I don't know if that is a cultural thing or not... gotta go to Haiti for that one).

Speaking of which, I just got my passport (yeh!) Only took a week and a few days. It was awesomeness. Now I am ret to go all around the world.

My back up plans (in case Denmark falls through)... Zero, Nill, None. I need to get on the ball and start looking for a job somewhere. Anyone know of a nice place that I would like to live? I'm outtie

So here's the thing...

2008-08-18T10:49:00.004-04:00

So I was sent an email.
Apparently, there is a contest that he feels I should submit for.
The E.ssence Short Story Contest.
First prize? $1,000 and being published in one of their issues.
Here's the thing...
I've never finished any of the stories that I've written
Actually, most of them were created in this space (the blog world)
Never to be more than just a moment in time when my mind flowed easily
But when I revisit those works, it is challenging to continue its initial energy.
A suggestion from a friend:
Start something new.
I know I should.
But damn... I'm feeling so lazy...lol.
My cousin has been here for the last week and a half or so.
It's the first time I've ever met him.
I'm going to admit- HE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES!
Ok, I said it.
Now I will cast it aside and be a good host...riiiight.
I'll post on him and give you the full scoop when his visit has ended
I went from missing kisses to going nuts.
Too many in too short of a time frame.
I'm actually starting to become irritated with the experience.
(Not the actual kissing, but the men behind them).
Maybe I need to go back to my drought and just enjoy the friendships.
Cause this shyt is honestly getting old.
Wow, really?
Did I really have such a weekend?
It was great.
Hung out with family (Happy Birthday to my Sis in Law!)
Hung out with friends (Love you Lala!)
Hung out with coworkers (Congrats on the new baby!)
And now I'm watching the Olympics (all about that track and field)
Have a great first day of school Roxy and Stace!
Don't let those kids run you to the ground...lol

I'm going to miss...

2008-08-13T18:52:00.004-04:00

This chapter is closing and I am truly sad.
There is something incredibly amazing about children and their love and even with these children (autistic children), who don't always look you in the eye, or who completely ignore you, or don't use the language they have to express themselves because tantruming is easier, who are obsessive compulsive and need to have everything a certain way, or are just plain annoying... they love immensely. I have gotten the sweetest hugs, and the grandest expressions of appreciation through just the utilization of words rather than tantruming. I've seen wonderful improvements and I've experience something that will definitely go down in my books. Here's the thing... It makes me think about my career choice. The direction I've put myself on... to work with adults and help people regain what is lost. I have always wondered which was worse... to have the abilities and lose them, or to have to be taught skills deliberate and effortfully because you don't have what the rest of the world does. I choose adults because I felt that making a differences in their world would be realized and understood and appreciated...AND they would work hard for themselves too... because we ALL know, kids have a tough time caring about developing skills and sometimes they completely ignore you. I mean, the adult population I've chosen to deal with has alot of similarities with kids since they too don't really listen, but if they do get a clue...they put the effort in guns blazing and the effect on their lives are felt and appreciated. But with kids, you are changing the trajectory of their lives and so it is harder to feel the difference (for them). They (especially the autistic population) don't really have a full understanding of how MUCH they are getting from therapy and how significant it impacts their lives (over years... I do feel they grasp the significance in their daily worlds)... which made me feel as though their would be a lack of effort. And what I learned this summer? There is a lack of effort...lol... You have to push them the ENTIRE time and make them do what you KNOW is best... and in some instances, you have to educate the parent because even they don't always know what is best and need some direction. But I loved it. Because of the little hands the held mine when I told a child to come with me, or the eye contact that was finally made on the first call of their name, or the tickling fingers that wanted to give you the same joy that you give them when you tickle. It made me think of being a mother. And my mother who didn't get the chance to finish the job. And hoping that I get the chance to finish what she started...

See... my fear of never falling in love and being with someone who REALLY loves me is rooted in the desire to be a mother. I want that chance... and when people tell me I have all the time in the world, I can't help but think of my mother... who didn't and it brings me to the stark reality that maybe...just maybe, I might not either. We are all mortal and living in the moment while planning for tomorrow is a rule of thumb (not living for tomorrow...because it may not arrive). And this summer gave me the opportunity to be love...REALLY loved, even though I wasn't always the good guy. I wasn't always tickle fighting and giving in to their requests or being sweet and loving. I was sometimes (actually more often than not) saying no to what they wanted and making them do things they really didn't want to do and putting them in timeout for not following directions. I was all the high with all the low and they loved me regardless... I get smothered with hugs and found when tears appear because things aren't going great and I bring them the most comfort. And that love is a borrowed love. Because none of those kids are mine (in the sense that I am not their therapist and they will not be continuing with me). And that taste of hugging someone so small who turns to you with joy when it is said that autistic children don't do things like that and smile at the very sight of you (again something they don't supposedly do) and who trust you unconditionally with their weakest and most tender moments... and who don't care about being in their most vulnerable position with you; who are untainted by life's hard blows. It makes me crave for the day when I will have a little person who is born from me... And who will be with me and love me for as long as they can.

I'm getting emotional... I may have to come back to this... or maybe I'll just leave it at this... but regardless... it has been posted. Another mental put on paper for all the world to see

How did I get here?

2008-08-07T22:49:00.011-04:00

I felt the pressure of his hands against my skin cells which tingled with anticipation of the experience of it all. Those hands coursed their way from my shoulder to my fingers in a kneading and needing fashion, blueprinting the pressure of his outer most extremities into the striads of my musculature. During this, he kept my gazed locked in a sitting position right next to the window exposing the ever complicated constellations of his make up. This man confused me every single day, but I couldn't free myself from being mesmerized by the beauty of each uniquely placed starlike element of his essence. My hands found a home upon his waistline and he took his thumb to draw across the line which formed my jaw, stopping at the base of my hairline and pulling me in for that solitary kiss...

When lips become fused
and thoughts become heady
Shallowed breathing erupts
While searching tongues tease
Heat rises and scents are exchanged
His breath is my breath
and he tastes like me
I bite down on his lower lip
and a moan spills into my mouth
Aggression builds
chasing after a slowly formed sexy smile
Hunger explodes exponentially
and a kiss is no longer a kiss
Because hands touch
and bodies press
and language is exchanged
through wide open pores
seeping dopamine from him to me
pushing adrenaline
lust
excitement
love....wait...love?

How did I get here?

Fiction by Desy

More Randomness

~Ok, so I'm really tired (after a long day of nothing of course).

~I went to a brain injury meeting where my teacher was and we further discussed Denmark. He said he would email since I seem to be really sure that I want to do this (which I am at this point).

~ I went and got my passport today. I looked at the old one I had (issued 1992) and I must admit, I was a damn good looking little girl...hahahaha. But I was happy to discover the price was much lower than I'd anticipated

~Since I've been digging through my crap with this time that I have now, I found notes that classmates had passed to me from middle and high school. Don't even ask me why I keep shyt like that, but it was so good to read the five second notes that were always focused on either this boy, that boy, or how someone was mad at me for having a big mouth

~ I found my elementary report cards also... guess what the running theme was... Desy is a delightful student to have; however she needs to work more on her listening skills and following directions (aka. your daughter talks to much and needs to get that ish under control)... Even then I was a talker...hahaha

~Yeh! Roxy is back for JA and I must admit that I missed her tremendously. Nothing like having your best friend in the world back in rotation after a month of MIA ness... only to be greeted by my discussion of potentially going to Denmark... But whatever, for now that's all talk and she's here so life is good

~ My stepmom's nephew is coming tomorrow. She has never met him (he came from Haiti 3 yrs ago and we haven't traveled to Boston in the last 3 yrs). I pray to God he is 21... She's unsure and I didn't hound her about it... but he's here for 2wks and I cannot imagine what we will do together if he isn't legal...

~ I cannot believe that I have made it 24 yrs and 6months without having sex. It really astounds me sometimes. Especially when I think of all the times when I could have and didn't... I don't even know why I didn't except that I wasn't in a relationship with any of them, so it kept me from it... Maybe one day I'll do a full out analysis post on why I'm still in such pristine condition...lol

*deuces up* I'm out fam...

Randomness

2008-08-01T12:53:00.005-04:00

~ I have realized that she is just too selfish to be called friend. To call me out of the blue to vent about what is going on with her newly abusive situation while attempting to justify her dumb decisions makes me regret picking up the phone at all... 4 solid years of me investing and she accepting has really hit its wall... I just need to 'stop being polite, and start getting real'...

~ He offered a possibility that I have no idea how to measure. A chance to work in Den.mark (the country, not the city) when I graduate. I don't even know if he was being forserious, but the very offhanded mention of it makes me think 40times over about it. It sounds so appealing, scary, overwhelming, and just plain right that I can't imagine not seeking into it and finding out if it is actually something I can really do...

~ I feel stronger, sadder, and more excited about my world than I have in a long time. I'm done with classes for the rest of my graduate career, and the only thing stopping me from my degree is my full time internship (which should be amazing). But with the end of school comes the end of a era... friends made, projects required, documents written, and the whole experience of being in school again is over. Being around people who were in my same boat- a rare experience. Not too many people go through what you go through at the very same time that you go through it and it was nice to be around that for the last 1.7 yrs.

~ We aren't friends. I live in this hope that we are, but I know deep down that it is a passing fling that will dissipate with a stiff wind of something more. Because friendships don't feed the soul the way romance does... The dedication, the effort, the time, and the simple consistency of an easy friendship gets pushed aside for the possibility of something greater. Everyone says I'll be the same when I get in a relationship. I know I won't. I am too aware of what it feels like to be the one discarded... but, I know that I am cared for without the actions behind it... I just don't know what I to do with someone who says they care...or expects me to know it

~ I am so glad that we worked together this summer. Our friendship has strengthened and grown into something I never would have imagined (if you had asked me in the beginning). We have always been cool, but man... you are really wonderful and I know that you will live out those dreams that seem to be hard to grasp... I truly believe it...

~ I miss the way it feels to be kissed. The way hands grope and skin tingles and tongues dance. I miss the way bodies feel when they search for that exact alignment where the fit is indescribably perfect. But I don't miss the disappointment of faded phone calls and effortless talkers.

~ Tonight, out to happy hour with the group I met last week and my friend from work. Time to celebrate the end of classes for life (unless Ph D calls to me too strongly)...lol. Now I can get back to my regular blog lifestyle... yeh!!!! Have a great weekend fam

My first time

2008-07-26T21:03:00.003-04:00

Let me start off by saying thank you bunches for all the advice (especially Jameil)... I ended up deciding to work Mon and Wed so that I can keep making the extra change for two more weeks. Ok- on to the post...

I have been feeling a bit lonely recently....Part of it is within my own head, but part of it is me feeling a little disjointed. I have no circle of friends and it's made things a little bit up in down in my social environment making me feel a bit insecure. This led me to last night. I really wanted to go downtown, but I had no one to go with. People were either out of town, not picking up, or just didn't want to go. I always speak out about being independent and comfortable with doing things on my own (going to dinner, movies, etc), however I felt a bit uncomfortable going downtown alone so I started to feel low, cause I really wanted to go dancing. Needed to go dancing. In conjunction with some adult beverage that was mixed by someone attractive. But didn't want to go at it alone. I went back and forth for a bit on the subject, not knowing how the night would turn out. I thought about starting a book, but I know me and books and I have a tendency not to put them down until I finish them and I need to study for my final on Tues. Then I considered renting a movie, but that would not alleviate my desire to go dancing. I tried a few people that I don't really consider friends to see if they were available to no avail. So... in true fashion, I said 'fuck it, I'm going at it alone.'

I got ready, pulling my hair back tightly in a cascading waterfall of braids and applying flawless makeup. I wore a white tube top that was a bit sporty and some midnight blue jeans that hugged in the right places. I gazed at myself in the mirror for a bit, smiled, sprayed some Gardinia across my exposed shoulders and ducked out. I called a friend and we sat speaking on the phone until I reached downtown and I ended up sitting on the phone for about 45min chatting. Finally I made my move to the bar I usually go to and walked in. Walking in on the second floor to the cool air, the dark atmosphere, the smell of the fog machines, and the music made me smile from ear to ear. I was here... alone... and I kinda liked it. Because in alot of ways, I am alone... but I hold myself back from doing things alone because...maybe I'm scared... But last night was a mild stepping stone to breaking that mentality. I mean, in general, not specifically to the club scene.

I bought a drink and ended up seeing some people I had met a few weeks prior with another friend of mine who had known them for years. I ended up spending the entire evening with them and had the most outstanding time. It really was amazing being a part of their world for a bit. Having a group of people that you hang out with and spend your time with regularly... comfortably... religiously... that you share your life with... It was a great thing to be exposed to and to see the love they had for each other and lended to me was just... it was great. Supposedly I was inducted to 'the crew', but who knows if drunkly spoken words have any weight. All I know is that whatever happens, I am becoming more and more comfortable going at it alone...

2 weeks to go

2008-07-19T14:18:00.003-04:00

Sigh- I have almost made it... I remember falling apart during the first week of this summer program (3weeks post starting my summer internship); and now I have 2 weeks to go...

She asked me to stay on after my internship contract expires (Aug 1) for 2 more weeks until the program ends (Aug 15) for pay... Here's the issue with that:

She cut me a break during this semester by paying me for the hours I worked outside of my 'internship' ($10 an hour). Now, Mon and Wed have super strong staff and the kids are always well managed and everything is pretty smooth those days. Tues and Thurs are a bit disjointed and I have to take on alot more responsiblity (which I didnt mind during my internship because I had to be there anyway). There are people there making between $25/hr - $50+/hr that sitting around and asking me (or the other new staff, or the ONE strong therapist there) questions about what should be done and how things should go... and when kids tantrum, I or Lala (the strong therapist) deals with them. It gets pretty stressful and I wake up dreading those two days because of how out of control it gets. Also, my supervisor is telling me that we are adding kids starting on the 28th of June; one is older and has behaviors (bites herself when she is frustrated), one is larger (down syndrome and is stubborn as hell); and one runs around constantly (very impulsive)... Between those three, they are going to need some intense supervision...meanwhile the other 12-15 or so autistic kids running around will be in the hands of 1 new staff, 1 intern, the partial owner (who SUCKS), and some sporatic supervision from 2 other therapists who aren't 'really' there.

It makes me just want to shake my head and walk away. I hate feeling as though I'm being taken advantage of, and during my internship, I took whatever she was willing to pay because not everyone gets paid... hell, everyone else I know didn't... but then again, they only worked 20 hours, where as I worked about 30-35 (in four days) while taking 2 classes (4hours) 2 of the nights that I worked.

I was part of it. I was there when all of this was proposed to me, so I am not going to act as though I got blind sided, or pretend that I don't appreciate it. I really do... the extra funds are always better than nothing. Which is why I have this dilemma now.

I can either not continue through the summer program and kinda burn a bridge (cause I know that she expects me to stay- even though I never agreed to); Stay and work my ass off while I'm feeling horrible about it; Stay and shift my schedule so that I don't have to be there those days that I know I'm going to be miserable; or Stay and figure out a way to get her to give me more money.... I really don't know what to do, but I have 2 weeks to think about it.

Did I mention it takes me an hour to get to my internship? Yeah... Quite a drive

I can't wait for ALL of this to be over. I miss my blog filled, regularly scheduled days that flowed around me with ease... oh well...

Any suggestions?

Sucked in

2008-07-13T20:35:00.005-04:00

All weekend...
I've accomplished nothing...
except celebrating
and successfully watching every tv movie playing.

Laziness was just calling my name.
I didn't even really make any blog rounds
I just read a bit, but didn't really comment
I slept gloriously in the middle of the day

I did go out one night (Friday)
THAT was AWESOME.
I hung out with some great people and met a few others.
But Sat thru Sun was spent on this futon being sore as hell ('specially my thighs).

Oreo consumption..
Cooking for my parents..
Leisurely bathing and light reading
I've been sucked in

I should have written something
I got alot of things rollin around in my mind
Damn- this lightening is making me nervous
I'll be around...

TGIF

2008-07-11T09:27:00.002-04:00

Just writing that title makes me think of Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, and all that....

So I couldn't wait. After 3 weeks of waiting for the results, waking up this morning knowing that $30 dollars was the only thing separating me from knowing my results on the Praxis just overwhelmed me and I called to find out.

*dramatic pause*

I passsed! I passed! I passed! *happy dance*

*long exhalation*

There is nothing like this feeling right now.. I am elated and I feel as though I'm walking on water. I can't even contain this koolaid smile I got right now.

*sigh*

I'm going to go tell the world now- but know that you were first. Bye fam...!

I know... I know

2008-07-06T20:20:00.002-04:00

I know that I am a bit... confusing
I know that I can be a little... demanding
I know that I expect... alot
I know that I might be a bit...stubborn

But shit- that's me

I sat here in my house all day today.. avoiding past due therapy notes, reflection paper assignment, yard work, pool cleaning, and even eating. I buried myself in my futon and watched movies, slept, blogged, facebooked, phone avoidance, and just plain thought. I eventually had to do the pool and yard work, but I didn't do anything else. Thinking made me reflect on my weekend with my brudder and his people. I had a great time with them on the 4th and last night when I went to dinner with all of them. It was like 15-30 people at the cookout and 10-15 at the dinner and it was just so nice being around my brudder and his friends. But of course, it made me think about why none of my friends called me for the holiday. Not a single one. And another thing; ALL but one or two of my brudder and sis in laws peeps are married or engaged... so that was nice...not really. It was a glaring declaration of what I have yet to attain.

*moment of silence for Will Smith standing in the shower*- Damn.... but any way...

You know what's interesting about all this reflection. I'm super happy about being single. No truly... I'm intensely happy. The reason? I haven't settled. I haven't given in to those that I could have and I am still strong enough to wait for the one I truly want. The one that I will and have every intension of bending backwards for...

But what about my friendships- I have alot of friends... I mean, it astounds me how many people I actually enjoy being around and keeping in touch with and having in my midst... but they aren't a collective group of people and a LARGE majority of them are passive friends. They wait for me to call, for me to make plans, for me to make the effort... Sometimes I think it's a good thing... because I get to exert that aggressive personality of mine... Oh yes, I am definitely aggressive...But not in a horrible way and I try my best to keep myself in check- but I'm waiting for that strong opposition to come along and do it for me one day. I love a confident, knows what they want, no apologies made type of person. Those are the best kinds... and those are the RAREST to find. Roxy like that...she is definately a good balance for me... but there are things that get done for romance that aren't done for friendship with her too...but in her case, I truly understand. For the rest of my supposed close friends... smh- I'm sad at you.

I was talking to a friend and I put out the proposition that I should be a little more my opposite and see what would happen... but being the people person that I am, it would be challenging for me after a few days...

Maybe I'm just too much. Too aggressive, too demanding, too overwhelming, too open, to revealing, too honest, too easy, too nice, too predictable, too consistent, too so many things... something to consider

I'm getting too distracted by I Ro.bot.. *lol* I love that line~ 'You are the dumbest smart person I have ever seen.' I'm out.

I got nothin

2008-07-05T11:57:00.000-04:00

Sigh…

I've tried writing.
I started a dialogue…then deleted it.
I started writing about hanging with the fam yesterday, and I deleted it.
I looked at old stories that have yet to be posted, but it felt a little outta place to post.
I was thinking of writing something fictional and had minimal motivation.
I got nothing.
Except randomness.
He told me that they are going to meet up… I'm still reeling from how that made me feel.
My longtime friend is in town with his young tenderoni celebrating the 4th and their 6month anniversary- he made jokes about it… I'm still interested to see if that relationship will last…
I gave my phone number to a white guy for the first time in 6yrs.
My brother's best friend thought my friend was sexy and was so surprised that she was Haitian- he even came out with the 'She doesn't look Haitian' sentence…. Which led me to this realization:
None of my brother's friends date black women. It's all about the hispanic… and my friend could go for Dominican, which I guess made her appealing. Smh…
I haven't been able to get my car fixed- body shop was closed for the holiday- I guess I'll be going another week with a damaged voiture (car)
I miss my parents when I don't see them for a few days (which happens even though we live in the same house)…
She left and didn't say goodbye- didn't even care to call and before she bounced knowing that we won't be seeing each other for a month plus… but I guess I'm just a close friend and it doesn't matter… but it does to me… sigh
I don't think I'm ready for sexy time, but a nice date with the right potential would be great.
I want to go on a movie marathon with someone fun. Seeing 4 or 5 movies on one ticket stub with a hilarious person is one word- Awesome.
I've got red highlights (in my braids) and the kids at the clinic are amazed… it's interesting to feel little 3-6yr old hands in my hair trying to figure out how I got 'play' hair to stay.
I'm ready to take a trip.

Ok- enough randomness… I'm going to get some breakfast.

Short and Sweet

2008-07-03T19:31:00.002-04:00

I've been home for a bit- talking on the phone and watching tv...
I'm getting ready to go out...
Long week (even though it finished earlier than most weeks cause class was cancelled tonight)
I'm definitely drinking...
I got yelled at for lack of posting...
I'm gonna double dose you since this one isn't really a post, just something quick on paper
Tomorrow morning, taking the car to the dealership for more repairs (you would think after having it for a month, they would have fixed it correctly, but nooooooooooooo...smh)
Mr. Hey You has become Mr. Hell No.... which is not surprising...sigh
I am officially in love with my traumatic brain injury class...
I like my internship, but I'm looking forward to it being over (6wks and counting)
(Watching tv) This bridezilla has lost her mind
I'm ready for some sexy time- Any volunteers?
Alright... I need to get ready for tonight's shake a tail feather endeavors...
See you tomorrow

So fickle

2008-06-24T17:03:00.004-04:00

I am sitting in the Health and Public A.ffairs building waiting for class.
The building is made of glass pretty much.
So I can see outside.
The sun's blazing... I mean, I'm hot just looking out there.
An hour passes.
I glance over from the paper I'm writing (down to the wire, I know, I'm such a procrastinator).
It's raining.
Not lightly either.
Pouring.
I look down at the floor and I see steam rising up from the concrete.
That's how hot it is here.
I felt like I was in a weird music video with fog machines and rain.
Someone just walked passed me.
She had a newspaper on her head (even though she left the rain outside).
Her flip flops squeaked as she walked.
And as I finish this post, the sun is coming out and it has lightened up to a sprinkle...
Florida is so fickle

Hey You...

2008-06-20T12:12:00.002-04:00

I'm all better. Thank you all for being so sweet and supportive; it helped more than you know.

So, I starting to get accustom to the schedule that I have... and the fact that it is only for four days really helps me make it through. Whenever I feel as though I'm at my wits end, before I know it, it's Friday and I'm catching up on all of my blogs, hanging out around the house with my step mom, and talking to friends about what's up for the weekend.

This weekend? A drive up to Panama City to visit my homeboy Andy with my girl Roxy. I think that I need to get the hell out of this city... even if it is for a little while. I do have to cut the trip a little short (pool cleaning duties and homework must be addressed) so I'll be back mid Sunday, but it's better than nothing.

I have started the funeral dialogue, but it has been at a standstill since the first paragraph...lol...But I am giving myself to next week... (even if it's midnight Sat) to finish it....

I love that phrase...'Hey you'.... It brings this unexplainable smile on my face. I don't know why either.....and he does it every time I pick up his calls. There is just something about that phrase... or maybe something about the fact that he doesn't give up on me no matter how busy I get. He makes ridiculous requests (e.g. 'Come play pool with me and my friends Tuesday night after your 15hr day of work and school...') knowing that I'll say no because I have to get rest for the next day of work... but he does it anyway. If nothing else, he's one more person that makes me feel wanted (and that is definately a very very small pool)...and brings an unexplainable smile to my face with just that simple 'hey you' that greets my ear. Have a great week ya'll...see you soon

Deep Breath

2008-06-12T20:17:00.003-04:00

So I've been a bit MIA. I've had a rough couple of days, and today just topped it all. So much so, that I skipped class tonight and just came straight home from my internship. I got so frustrated that I ended up shedding some tears (not there, but during the venting sessions I had after). I started typing about it, but I realize there is no short way to do it... Another reason why I should have probably utterz this... Speaking is so much faster than typing.

I will say that I have missed you all so intensely... My schedule is sooo jam packed and when I come home, I just collapse... I don't turn on the television, I don't really talk on the phone.. I mean, my day is filled with so much sensory input (tantruming autistic children, circle time, singing and dancing, running around, therapizing...sigh) that I don't even turn on the radio when I drive home. I just take in the silence and figure out how I'm gonna do it all again the next day... and to top it off, two out of the four days that I'm there, I have class following until 10pm; which means, I don't get home til around 11pm and I have to get up at 6am to start the day over again with the kids...Can I really do this for the next 8wks? {stressed/depressed tears, wiping them away, deep breath} Yes, I can do this.

I've also been a bit low these last few weeks as well... There is so much shyt going down in my family and the addition of my internship and school (didn't do so hot on my first exam) is not helping get me out of this feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning. I know that I should be thanking God that He has blessed me with another day to do whatever I did yesterday better... but I feel like one of the kids and all I want to do is tantrum right now because I am not happy... Maybe I need to go drinking...lol

Wish me luck. The Praxis is this Saturday... 600+ here I come...*going to make my blog rounds before bed*

A tribute to fam

2008-06-07T11:31:00.005-04:00

Just because....

The Girls

Opinionated Diva- You a truly a woman to be admired. There is something about the essence of you that transcends space and brings calm to such a disruptive environment. The joy you emit and the laughter you have somehow managed to produce from the median sector of my anatomical structure is so insane... Plus, any friend of Rashan is definately a smart, sharp, and put together individual in a way that few are, so I have an incredible amount of respect for you.

Jameil- The consistent author. I have never known someone to be so dedicated to one thing that can sometimes be fickle (commentors...lol; myself included); but you continue, and that shows the true heart of you- which to me is a profound woman. You live for you, and very few do... The manner in which you carry yourself and make yourself be known is classy, loyal, and whole. Being whole... I will get there... but watching you live in that way is something to be seen, and I am honored to do so...

Stace- so you, it's ridiculous. You bounce around with ideas that keep me amused (i want to be a photographer) and make me wonder if that will be something you accomplish, since that is in your mind. You have no problems being the woman that your represent in this world, and prove it to us everytime you post a pic about 'living in the life of stacie von kut....' That is dopeness on a whole otha level...lol... And I've become an avid reader in a very short time of the words that you type on the computer screen...

Roxy- You never blog, but you are my best friend and there are no words to express how deeply you mean to me, so I won't even try... I hope my actions say it all...

1/3- Such a warm sugar coated woman you are. I know that your sweetness runs deep, but I can't imagine that being the only layer of you as a woman. It is hard to trust and be open, and at times, that's appropriate not to be, but not here, and not in this space... and I hope that at some point, you'll be letting us into the the curves of your complex but simple days... *needing to take my own advice...lol* birds of a feather...

KB- Giiiirl, what can I say. You are so the shyt... just...raw. You are one of few who truly keeps it so on the level. You make no apologies for the woman you are becoming in the way that you are getting there and you make sure the world has no questions about the way you think, feel, or react to it. Truly a person I never have to wonder about... worry about tho...lol... only sumtymes... but I fucks with you for real and I am I glad to call you friend.

I.Cant- And I thought I was the mystery...lol... You have definately taken me on a interesting ride over there... I love the way you blog... It is the most unique blogging style I have ever seen and I am soo all about it. I have at times yearned to know the woman behind the blog, simply because I think that there is just so much to know that doesn't get posted... your mental has that addictive quality to it...

Britt- I'm sure you don't think this, but you are quite controversial...lol... and I think that you may or may not be aware of that. There are things that I have had to deduce about you and your life and I have learned more than I thought I ever would (all speculation of course, since you and I have never really touched base much)... but I hope one thing for you: To try something amazingly wonderfully new, and enjoy it... And then tell us all about it... But until then, I'll definately keep an eye out for the woman that is walking life parallel to me...who has some similarities and more differences...lol.

Queen- That blog...lol... You have such a way of making a libido stand erect and ready for...play. I enjoy the way you string words together into a picture that is designed by the limitless boundaries of your thoughts. In so many ways, I see myself in you and the woman that you are (especially when it comes to thinking about sex...lol). Your experiences and wisdom guide me with a gentle light, and I am happy that I stopped just seeing you all over the blogosphere and actually paid a visit... One of my more smart decisions.

Deja- You're crazy; but in the best possible way. You are the comedian to my open mic night and I always have to make sure to not have food around due to my habit to eat and blog, which has affected my keyboard from time to time with you... (busting out laughing in mid oreo bite, not a good look). I have a full understanding of where you come from (Ayiti!!!!) and am happy to have a fellow virgin to represent with. I make sure to keep you on rotation (no matter where my IP be comin from- Palm Coast, Orlando, West Palm...lol... it's all mee baby...hahaha... don't let the meter fool you).

Zephi- So sporadic with your posting, I never know when to get it together and head that way, but I check whenever I make it online, so I think I have it covered. I know that our mutual status will soon be a thing of the past for you (now that you got your boo...lol), and I want to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL...lol... Not really. I honestly feel that you are a tremendous woman. Dealing with all the shyt that has to be dealt with when being an international student... all because you are wanting to get an education... I soooooooooo have this look of sheer respect on my face right now just thinking about that drive and I hope you never lose it...

Niga- Your posts open my eyes up to a smorgus board of so many things, ranging from your life, to the life of those around you. That socially conscious mind of yours even in a space of typical egocentricity makes you so unique. The combination of all things gives me a whole picture of what you, as a woman, sits and thinks about at any given moment (from dreads, to sickle cell, to golden showers)....

The Guys

Rashan- I know we very rarely discuss our interaction on blog and have a tendancy to keep all things low key... but I really have no words for how much you have changed.my.life... My thought process about so many things about myself and what I was capable of has really evolved and the person I was is not the person I am... Because of you... mean, sarcastic, loving, consistent, dedicated, wonderful you. I am so addicted to the man that you are (even back in the day when I read the Casanova), and I can't express how much I appreciate having you in my life as my friend, confidant, ear to vent to, companion, and so many other things...

1980- Now see, you are a lurker...lol... and a tease poster. You don't write about your world anymore... And I think the reasons behind that are...well, they just are. But I miss seeing your mental. What I do appreciate is that you haven't completely given up the blog game (even tho I think you downgraded from professional bloggin to rookie status) You are such a wonderful guy and I do hope that you find that lady that really does work for you, because you really deserve it.

One Man- You are hilarious... and how old are you man (thinking of the 23 yr old niece)... You have SO much to say and I actually have to make sure I have enough time to thoroughly read and dissect your posts since they are so lengthy; but that is truly why I return time and time again. You just let us in into that tremendous mind of yours and I always appreciate seeing your fist pop up in my comment section because I know that post moved you... And you've definately given me a new perspective on law enforcement...

Charles- What can I say about you Charles. You've been hurt. You are an artist. You are funny. And you are a great person to know. My biggest wish for you is that you take every day to BE the person you so desperately want to be... and rather than discuss how you will be, just stand in those shoes today and see how they fit. You have a tremendous amount to offer and if even one third of that is shared with your significant other, she will be beyond happy. Just make sure not to carry your past with you, ok? Good.

Dessex- I am SOOO proud of all that you have accomplished and damn if I don't think you are going to be a major force to deal with in this corporate world of ours. Your dedication to your education, family, and woman is so freakin rare and I am just in awe that it exists. All that, while still maintaining that round the way stance and being true to you... I commend you my blog brother...

Soumy- You are a literary beast. I still can't get past that sandwich post. I love the fact that you are a crap shoot, because I NEVER know when you are gonna post...lol. All I know is that I need to check, and if there is no post, then it's time to perseverate on the bubble game (my secret obsession)....lol. You are an enigma wrapped up in a never ending maze, but I love that... It makes me want to know EVERYthing... although I'm aware that is impossible....sigh...

Canon- You are this young Philly brother that has said things a million and one times that have made me wonder if you are the true consciousness of men. The way you refer to woman, and talk about them and blog about them... It just makes me wonder. I hope you find your passion. You are still so young and you have so much more to go through before you decide on the things that truly matter, but I hope you get there. You have the potential to be something to reckon with, and I would love to see you do that. Know that I am keeping my eye on you (no matter how many times you change your name).

Swag- I don't know what to think with you, but I've stopped trying. From what I know and see, you are a wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, sweet guy that puts Barry White to shame...lol. I see a great deal of differences between you and I, but you bring those different elements out in me and I really appreciate you for that. You make me settle within myself and accept that not everything is right this second (and you probably didn't even kno you did that...haha). And I hope you do take me up on that UF game...

James- Can I just say it is SO good to see you. It almost feels as though you might be opening up (juuuuust a little), but from what I've seen, you still like to cloak your self in a bit of anonymity... It is truly an element that makes you stand out... the way you have mastered being open and ambiguous...haha.. I am glad that you still swing through here, even at my sporadic comment status over at your spot (but I do read; I just sometimes don't know what to say, or someone else has already said it)... You are an amazing mind, and when I can afford it, I will be investing in that book on tape.

Jintu- My former blog flirt... You have completely fallen off the blog game (and you are thoroughly missed) but I love love love your spot. The way you discussed all things (including scent marking~ a concept that was completely foreign to me), you force me to open up my mental just a bit. The wrinkles you have added and the stretching you have caused makes me a more informed and well rounded person. I hope to see you soon....

To the newbies, the one timers, the lurkers, and just the plain random... I'm all about you too..lol

Now I'm off to dine on some oreos... PS. A blog dialogue- The funeral is soon to be...

Hahahaha

2008-06-03T19:23:00.001-04:00

These are prisoners in the Phillipines (I believe)... So I don't EVER want ANYONE to tell me that they cannot dance... cause if these guys can do this... you have no excuse....lol. (In class about to take a test, wish me luck)

One long runon

2008-06-01T11:26:00.003-04:00

i'm exhausted... i've been working at my internship and going to school and working at my job and doing my best to chill with my parents throughout the week (which i've somehow made possible with determination) and talk to necessary friends... and trying to maintain some sort of regular schedule on blog (which i can't anymore, so i just go with the flow of my life)...and thinking on the fact that this is just the beginning of 10weeks of overwhelmingly busy-ness... not knowing when i'm going to get to study for the exam that i need to pass to get national recognition and the degree that i have been investing in for the last year and a half (coming up in two weeks) since my job (that i'm on call for) told me that two of the girls are taking vacations next week and the week after and want every free moment i have outside of school and my internship...and i could use the financial...but that will strip my energy and make me loose the desire to study... not that people in this major do (there are those that have passed going in cold, or just studying the day before... which sounds like something i would do...lol)... and my internship has offered to give me financials for any hours that i do outside of my required 20 for my part time placement... but who knows if that's just talk (since i did 12hours just on fri)... apparently, there are alot of hours that the therapist are there for doing 'other' things (which was a large part of my friday) and i have no idea if that is payed time or not... but whatever... i don't do it for the money... hence my current financial status... i'll have to weigh out where to work though (since my job pays me more, but i have more fun at the clinic with my friends... but I like my co-workers too, and i like my job....sigh, whatever, it'll work itself out)...good news... i finally have running water... at some point during this week without me noticing, my dad got someone in here to locate the freakin leak that was so illusive i thought jas.on bour.ne had put that mess in the piping... now that all is well, i can spend extended times here without wondering how i'm gonna flush the toilet...today is the only day i get to really rest, but i won't be able to since i have cleaning, studying, and paper writing to accomplish...let's see if any of that actually gets done...i had several conversations yesterday that made me think about dating and romance and how things should or shouldn't be...i have a deep confusion as to when people stop talking about how they would be if there were with the person versus when they actually start doing it... i have an overwhelming belief that it should be a natural progression, where it just happens comfortably and easily... which leads me to the notion that i shouldn't wait for the person that i hope may happen once the label'girlfriend' is applied...i should be looking at the person of today and deciding on whether or not that works for me... i just get so wrapped up in liking someone and seeing the potential of it all that i don't really look entirely at what is happening right now...and no matter what is said about what will be...'what is' should the determiner for me... i've seen so many different types of relationships; ones that start and evolve quickly, and ones that go slow and steady approach... but all have a common underlying truth... you begin treating the person the way you would in a relationship the moment you start feeling that way... at least that's what i think...but my friend told me that she waits a bit with certain things... and my a few of my guy friends said the same thing... but those are the same guys that i've seen do bomb ass things for 'a potential', so i took their comments with a grain of salt...don quit blogging cause of drama... i wonder if the more people you follow and comment, the more drama happens... the reason i say that is cause of rashan... i loved following him in his old spot.. but drama happened and he really pulled back from the blog world... i mean, he used to get 30, 40 comments a post...i love following him now, but he does get less comments... the flip side... he has no drama... i've never gotten a sea of comments...and i've never had drama either... i think the only blogger i know that has a large amount of followers without any ish is opinionated diva... but who knows... maybe she's just better at handling her ish... the fact that drama has pushed don out of this alternate reality known as blogger cause of people talking is sad... blog drama should be a quick brush off, not a deep life affecting situation... but oh well... everyone handles things in their own way... and when the discussion of kids gets involved, then that is a new low that i just can't even understand... i just polished my nails... dark blue... i really like darkly polished nails (as you can see in my pics for the concert...those were dark brown)... i'm hungry... gonna go get something to eat... it's officially June! which means i can run 3 tolls without being mailed a ticket... i do it every month...lol... ok, ok, food now...

If I weren't a virgin

2008-05-30T00:00:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This has sexually explicit language, so please bypass if you aint down for the sexy talk...

If I weren't a virgin...I'd be a freak. And not an every day round the way kind of freak... but an out my mind, common sense declined kind of freak. One that has no time to tell you all the ways I'd sex you, because as that thought came to mind, I'd be showin you from dusk until lights out time. But I wouldn't rest at the turning of the lights, cause in my eyes, the mood would be just right. Right for what? For a late night fuck, when I would deeply suck and cause you to erupt all the while thinking of Bernie Mac goin 'BUSS A NUT!'.

If I weren't a virgin...I'd be a slave. Yes a slave, like back in the day when all I knew to say was 'yes mas'sah, I like it that way.' You'd be in control of my mental state and soul, as you drilled a perfect hole into my formerly known as virginal console. I'd give in to your commands, as if I were your favorite show 'On Demand', sinking into your will like quick sand, knowing that it would be so good, I wouldn't give a damn.

If I weren't a virgin... I'd be an addict. I'd be one so good, my picture would represent addict, because I'd need a hit, of that indescribable fix of sex in the elevator, restaurant, or attic. I'd be feenin for that kiss, of those lips on my clit, jonesin for your sex bone in my 'feel so good zone', cravin for savin from dickless days, and needing for teasing with sex toy pleasing. You would be that shit that would take me so high, have me like Joh.n Leg.end 'on cloud 9', confused as hell as to why oH why I didn't start takin hits back in '05. (turned 21...lol)

If I weren't a virgin... I'd be a genius. I'd know all the ways, of making him cum for days, with all kinds of tongue play, be it actual application or just from what I say. I would anticipate his every want, adjust my style like word font, knowing just what and when to flaunt, so the image of me would haunt; he'd almost think of me as a sex savant. I'd know it all, from how he likes it and for how long, to how he needs it from dusk til dawn. He'd be the subject that I had majored in; I'd know it so well, I'd have my thesis written... Titled 'Sex with Him'.

But I am...so I'm not....

Slow Dancing

2008-05-26T23:39:00.005-04:00

So I uttered this post... for those of you who cannot utter at work.. here are the words, and you can listen to it later (if you are still curious...lol)... Happy Belated Memorial Day!!

He walks up behind me and I feel the thumping of his hearts language against my spine. I lean my head back and revel in the feel of this man. I can feel his nerves through the endings of his fingers as he places either hand on my shoulders so lightly, I almost question their existence on my skin. He bows his head and takes in my scent from the base of my neck as it curves into my shoulder, allowing the essence of that space of me to feel his vital organ. He then begins kneading his knuckles into my tense muscles and I begin to relax. His lips touch the line where my third vertebrae meets the fourth and I feel the tingle spread from there to my extremities. I love his kiss. 'Untitled' begins to play in the backdrop and I feel the stretch of his mouth into that sexy smile that I have not been able to resist since the day I met him. He slips one hand gingerly into my pocket and holds me close to him as he begins to sway to the beat. After a bit, he pulls on my pocket and has me turn to face him. He takes his right hand and holds my left hand off to one side as his left hand finds a home in the delicate angles of my lower back. I rest my right hand on his shoulder as he glides my body in a harmonized duet with his in a sensuous grind. Hit….sway…hit…sway…hit…sway… I can feel the heat of his soul seeping from his pours and my body begins to burn…hit… His hand travels the length of my lower back and upper ass…sway…And as he pulls me closer, I lose the understanding of time and space…hit… His gaze imprisons mine in a secret passageway that sends messages of hunger and need…sway…My right hand travels up to his face as he brings it closer to me…hit…The contact of his lips on mine…sway…I am lost.

Damn how I love slow dancing with this man.

Some late night self analysis

2008-05-24T11:57:00.004-04:00

I wrote this at like 2am this morning... but didn't post it until I re-read it and made sure I wrote what I was thinking accurately... cause a late mind is an altered mind...lol

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be ‘that’ girl. You know the one: perfect personality, smile, and parents to boot with all the confidence in the world. The one that has every man wrapped around her pretty little manicured finger while making sure that ‘beck and call’ was synonymous with ‘interacting with the opposite sex’. I have never been that. I’m battered, bruised… and quite different. I mean, absurdly different. I get emotional for no reason, and get heart sick over the silliest things and want to be alone while still wanting someone around and having a love/hate with my fam and school and praying for a plumber because my water still isn’t fixed!!!! And I’m compulsive. In the sense that I am a lover of routine, and when I fall into one, I can’t break it and hate the process of doing so. That’s part of the reason why I get nervous dealing with a new person that I like. See, with someone that I like, I do this thing. This thing is something that I have developed in my older years and have yet to break. See, this thing is me, calling every day, or wanting to be called every day, and talking endlessly, and seeing one another as frequently as humanly possible, and do all that I can do to get to know you in the shortest span of time possible. It’s never really a successful measure in all honesty, but I try to do it regardless. I engorge myself on who you are and feast upon it for endless hours, examing every angle so that I can have your image tattooed in my mind’s eye without question. And if you change, I get scared. Ridiculously scared…; because I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be ok with letting a day or two go bye…without a word. But I’m not… Instead, I sit and wonder if you feel what I feel...you know, that absurd 'miss' feeling that shouldn't be there; or understand what I’m going through because I shouldn't feel that 'miss' feeling; or are you even thinking about it on any kind of level. And I usually subside to the knowledge that it is probably just me, and that’s why I should just forget about being ‘that’ girl. People rarely, if ever, jump out of their skin for me. What does that mean, you may wonder… It’s the process by which a person completely moves outside of themselves… outside of the safe zone and leap into the unknown… regardless of if their knowledge on whether or not there is sure footing there is sound… but just because the possibility of it is so penetrable, that it has moved the mind into a state of perpetual forward projection and has forced a new state of being to evolve. That wrecklessly in love individual.

Is it a downfall that I have never been hurt? I think it is some…lemme rephrase that…. I think it is MOST days. Why? Well because I can’t relate. I don’t know how to be any different from the girl who stares at me every morning. She is open and blunt and giving and aggressive and what’s everything when she wants it… which is usually right at that second… because in truth… her state of infatuation and lust may fade away if not nourished by a true connection. I mean… it only takes a day of distance… Because she runs. She runs like there is no tomorrow and cops are on her ass for the one million kilos of (illegal substance here) found… all because she feels unwanted and doesn’t want to stick around to find out. That’s all it is… that not so subtle manner that I have when I resist it all… It’s just me leaving before being told I’m unwanted. It’s the saddest thing sometimes… analyzing myself and seeing such antics. And I can’t stop either. I’ve tried… but my heart will shut down so fast… and my interest will fade just as quickly, if not more so, all because I’m trying to protect my corazon. Such a fragile and delicate thing, a woman’s heart… and mine is pretty beat up from life situations working out in ways that kinda roughed me up a little in the mental without a soft gentle motherly tone that tells me that I'm loved regardless…

Bowling...Picture Post

2008-05-20T00:00:00.001-04:00

There are days when I really really really love my friends. They give me joy and happiness in ways that are undescribable. One particular time that comes to mind is the day that I invited a few of my friends bowling. Not everyone knew each other, but that didn't really matter much. It was during this night of bowling that I found out that I truly suck...hahaha... but I can bowl both handed... In fact, when one had grew tired (aka, I was in full gutter streak), I'd switch hands and like magic, I would hit some balls... The leader of the pack was my friend 'Man'... You would think he was professional with it (seen in the top left pic holding the bowling ball over his shoulder)... I mean, dang Man... I didn't bring you out so you could completely kill it... but he did... That was alright though. I got him back during air hockey. Roxy killed it also on the alley. And it was as though she was unimpressed with herself, even though she said she sucked at bowling.... But her boyfriend Chris caught a moment when she actually did celebrate her success at striking out (seen in the top right pic).

I have no idea what was going on here, but I think someone had just bowled and I was laughing at something the photographer (Chris) said. He was just clicker happy, but in retrospect, I'm glad to have the memories...of every.last.moment... If only Roxy had shared the photos instead of keeping them hidden in the millions of photos that she has on her computer...lol...

After bowling... it was time to arcade. Air hockey, the basketball speed game, and race cars.... Nothing gets better than that. Of course, me being me, I had to be part of some random debate over light skin versus dark skin, men versus women, and a discussion about why I'm the new age Cl.aire Hu.xtable~ hence my reason for being single. Men are supposedly 'intimidated'.... Sorry, these aren't as clear, but I still like them.

Maybe he may have a point....lol... I was talking to Chris' friend... His opposing view was blown to bits by my meticulous mental processing.... Did I mention I met him probably within 5 minutes of this pic....lol...

But there comes a point when I just get tired of talking/discussing/analyzing/getting to know you... Besides, I wanted to know what she was staring it like that....lol...

And then I discovered what the facial expression was all about.... What is an outing with friends without a fight, a make up, a willie bounce, and then a discussion of what just happened...lol

And of course, the finally of the evening... His shirt and face say it all....lol

A blog dialogue- The Reception...finale

2008-05-18T00:00:00.008-04:00

Jersey, the stripper, fully tousled, wiping either side of her mouth, holding on to the tie of the one who followed... Rashan, who had a Kool Aid grin on his face zipping up his trousers. I couldn't help but burst out into a deep laughter at the expression that Cannon had on his face, pointing it out to Diva and 1/3 who began giggling as well. Cannon, looking over into our direction, saw our laughter and swiftly got up from his table and stormed out mumbling something along the likes of fuck [word] [word] [word] shit [word] [word] fuck [word] [word] [word] [word] FUCK!!!!

'Did that really just happen? A bootleg foursome?' Deja shakes her head and starts digging into her plate as I look over at Rashan whose gaze meets mine. He shrugs and looks away, gaze falling on the stripper as she licked her lips and smiled back.

The first dance begins to play and the crowd fell silent at the view of KB and -1- wrapped in each others arms whispering loving words to each other while intermittently looking into each others eyes.

'There is something to be said about real love,' 1/3 leans over and whispers to me. I nod in agreement.

'Yeh… and you know what I've come to find out… There aren't enough words out there, so maybe we shouldn't even bother.' I smile and she giggles and shrugs, showing her approval of my statement.

'Com'mon everybody! Let's get on the dance floor!' -1- shouts out at the conclusion of their first dance.

The music pumps and I can't help chair dancing and I look over to find Stace doing the same thing. I get up, rush over to her, and pull her out of her chair onto the dance floor. I kick my shoes off and dance as freely as possible, in respects to my very high slit that I didn't want exposing more than just my legs. The other bridesmaids are soon to follow, and a few of the other female guests.

'Ummmm, this is not a slumber party on display. You guys better get your asses out here'

Deja said looking directly at the groomsmen standing on the side of the stage, drinking and watching. When none budged, I, Diva, 1/3, and Deja walked over and pulled Don, One Man, Dessex, and Rashan onto the dance floor. Diva kept messing with Rashan since he wasn't really dancing, just kinda moving in a slight swaying action. 1/3 then took it upon herself to get the rest of the guests on the dance floor. Queen and Jinto were m.i.a, so I assumed Jintu decided that nibbling didn't fulfill him any longer, and wanted to have a full meal. Dessex smiled at the sight of his girlfriend stepping on the floor. Swag actually stepped on as well, and I went over to him and started whinin it up, hearing that deep throaty laugh in response.

'I didn't expect that from a virgin'

'Ahhh, well, there is a lot of things I do that aren't classified as 'virginal behavior' I said with a wicked smile

'Oh really,' the inquisitive tone his baritone voice took suggested he wanted elaboration. Instead, I just continued dancing.

KB nudged me to get my attention and directed my line of vision over to 1980 who was dancing with Roxy as Britt stayed sitting, her desire to leave deepening.

Hadassah was completely putting me to shame on the dance floor, looking like she had been doing it for years, grabbing the attention of some of guests that stood around her. Cannon moves into her space and starts to work out his moves, doing his best to impress her, oblivious to the fact that she was newly locked up with a beau and had no room for the one formerly known as adonis.

Deja and One Man shock the hell outta me because as I head back to the bar to get another drink, I see them there. One Man in full deep throat pursuit, hands roaming across Deja's classically curvaceous anatomy, pressing her up against the wall.

'They must be drunk' Lea slurs at me and I crack up

'Umhmmmm seems to be a theme here'

I see Soum sitting at his table, staring at KB and -1-

'Your face is saying a lot there Soum'

He sighs deeply and looks at me with soft brown eyes that express so much sadness, I couldn't really take meeting them.

'I just want to be endlessly happy, you know?... Have that woman that dresses better than me, sexes better than me, and most of all, loves me better than me. I thought that I had found it….' looking down at his hands, 'I mean, I really really did. But I guess not…' His voice trails off softly and I lean down to give him a forehead kiss and the drink that I had taken a small sip from. He downs it in one breath and looks up at me.

'Merci cherie…. Tu es très belle ce soir.'

I smile at the compliment.

'Well, everyone tries to be beautiful at weddings… and I'm just trying to keep up.'

'Don't do that.'

'Wha?

'Down play your beauty. You are beautiful…now go out there and put the hurtin back on Swag… ' I shake my head chuckling softly and get up from his table as Eb makes her way back to her seat next to him.

As the night wore on, more hook ups occurred. Diva later noted Jameil standing there with some unidentified guest, who seemed to have engaged every element of her mental, making her laugh from deep down after pushing her around the dance floor with ease earlier in the evening.

'Who is that?' Diva asks Stace

'Don't kno…' Stace responds shrugging and Diva goes back to her post dancing warm down.

Cannon had shifted from Hadassah, who made it abundantly clear that she was with someone, to Stace, who was just entertaining him in that grown woman way that made us bridesmaids giggle.

At this time, the brides decided it was time to go, and live out that first night while they still had energy. Everyone cheered and showered KB and -1- well wishes and sexual commentary as they walked out.

Diva decided to leave at this point, getting buzzed by her 'friend' who told her he was eager to see her in and out of her wedding attire.

Hadassah and Niga, Don, Dessex and his girlfriend are soon to follow.

1/3 and Charles were dancing slowing on the dance floor melting in their own world.

Near the bar, Lea was sitting on the floor as Sojourn did everything in his power to wake her, since it appeared she'd passed out at some point. Eventually, he carried her out, getting a hotel room for them for the night.

Eb and Soum left together… Eb had already changed out of her wedding dress, excited at the possibility of repairing their relationship on the honeymoon they were still planning to take. I give Soum a deep hug and pull back and search his eyes.

'If nothing else Soum, know that you are loved by me…beaucoup. Enjoy your time with her… It will show you something about your heart…and hers.' I gently touch his face and he closes his eyes against the tears and nods.

'Thank you again cherie.'

Rashan and Jersey leave together, although I see him checking his phone steadily as the night ends… He waves to me and Stace just before the door closes.

Cannon leaves…alone… as he makes plans to get online for some facebook mackin.

One Man and Deja had disappeared sometime throughout the night, assumption made: they finally sealed the deal, and One Man's right hand action was laid to rest.

Jameil and the mystery man were still standing outside on the deck, underneath the stars and moonlight, talking and laughing nonstop.

Stace, sitting next to me, leans and says

'I think my night is a wrap. My boyfriend is meeting me in a hotel room here, and I don't want to be completely exhausted when he gets here.' a suggestive note taken in her voice.

I nod in understanding and give her a hug goodnight.

Roxy and 1980 were at the restaurant bar having a late night snack, looking as though they didn't want the night to end. I had noted the small argument that had occurred earlier between 80 and Britt, and she had finally stormed off without him, but I hadn't gotten a chance to truly be nosy and find out what happen….

Swag moves up behind me

'You ready to go baby?'

'Oh, I'm baby now?'

'Well, of course… it's a few drinks later.' I feel his laughter against my back and I shake my head.

'Was that an insult?' a joking defensive note evident in my voice

'Nooo…. And you know that I'm not being serious at all…' leaning over and kissing me lightly on my shoulder.

'Ok, we can go if you want… I'll even let you tuck me in…' I laugh lightly

'I guess I have to settle for that…until I give you a reason to change the theme of your blog'

'Riiiiiiiiiight'

We leave with only a few guest left in the ballroom. What a night this was… But…we see a crowd outside, and people arguing and talking to policeman all over the place. As we get closer, we see Cannon handcuffed being placed in the backseat of a police car.

What a night….

A blog dialogue- The Reception

2008-05-14T00:00:00.001-04:00

'It's love on a plate'

Jameil salivates over the mexican themed menu nodding her approval. Sitting next to her, Stace is engrossingly engaged in conversation with Roxy over the pro's and con's of the 'Glow in the Dark' tour, as Hadassah interjects every now and then with questions about the concert.

At the table sitting directly adjacent, Jintu sits nibbling on Queen's neck as she looks thru his phone and finds photos of Aijay, Aijay, and more Aijay. He pushes his phone away from her fingers and tries to get her to focus on what he was doing, but she couldn't help but be distracted at the thought that maybe the love of his car overshadowed his love for her. Niga, shaking her head at the blatant public display of affection, listens intensely as Zephi continues on discussing the current situations that have plagued her educational pursuits.

Across the room, Soum and Eb sit at the table that was previously assigned to KB and -1- with Lea and Sojourn. It was at this point that Eb finally asked the question that people had been wondering…

'Ummm, Lea, what the hell IS it with you and Coro.na bottles. I mean, does it have this affect that I have missed out on?'

Lea smiles seductively, looking over at Sojourn who mouths the word no, and leans over to Eb…

'Let's just say that Coron.a's remind me of someone I truly appreciate.' and with that, Lea promptly got up from the table and went over to the open bar, where Rashan and I stood chatting.

'Hey, you haven't been around lately…What's up with that?'

'No, I have… I've just more limited in my commenting…but I'm still around.'

'Oh, ok. Bartender…can I have a sex on the beach please?'

I laugh as Rashan whispers a suggestive comment in my ear.

'Where is your daaate?' Diva breaks into Rashan's verbal teasing with a sing songy note when saying date.

'No comment.'

I laugh and walk away from them as Diva starts asking pointed questions about what ran thru Rashan's mind when he invited a STRIPPER to the wedding.

I sit down at the table near the dj that houses Swag, Charles, 1980, and Cannon… none of which were assigned to this table. I walked in just as Swag tried to convince the rest of the men that Te.edra is the most beautiful R&B artist, while Charles rolls his eyes and 80 nods his head in slight agreement, but not complete.

'Where is your lady friend Cann?'

'Yo! Shorty is fronting. I know she wants to fuck, but she just actin sooo nutty! like, WTF?!?!? Grow up and spread your legs, please.'

Swag, Charles, and 1980 stop in mid sentence and just look at Cannon. I shake my head and get up to leave and as I walk away I hear Charles mumble to Swag...

'I can't believe he actually just said that.'

It is announced the brides are about to make their entrance, so everyone takes a seat in their designated tables. I look over at 1/3 and smile a knowing smile as KB and -1- walk into the room. Don stands clapping and cheering, and Dessex whistles from his seat. One Man and Rashan pound on the table like concert fans. Walking hand in hand, KB still manages to pause and complete a booty tooch for the cameraman. Eb folds her arms, pouting a bit, wanting to feel that kind of joy. Soum distractingly looks around the room, not really being to attentive to his 'almost bride'. His eyes linger a bit on Deja, gliding over her curvaceous figure that was adorned by single strapped lavender corset top dress that had a straight line skirt that flowed below. His mental started doing somersaults of new dining possibilities, but was brought back to his current situation when Eb gently linked her fingers thru his. He turned, making eye contact, and smiled gently, not letting it completely reach his eyes. And she knew....

As dinner began, there was a tremendous crash in the back of the room. Everyone looked at each other and tried to identify the noise. From behind the shrubbery strategically placed in the back of the room, Lea walks out with hair disheveled, dress askew, and makeup completely destroyed. Soon to follow....Sojourn.... and.....

5 sec post

2008-05-12T18:37:00.003-04:00

So yes, I've got nothin this Monday.

I just got back from work. Do you know they monitored my internet use and restricted blogspot.com links...smh... so no blogging at work. *shrugs*- oh well. I only work when needed and I'm usually too busy to do any proper blogging, so I guess it doesn't COMPLETELY matter... but when I'm bored... which was today.... MAN was I hurtin....

Blog and real world lines are being crossed... does that mean blog life will become a censored version of my already ambiguous nature...nahhhhhh...haha.... but I definately maintain the respect of the bloggers I kno offline and keep their disclosures to me offline... cause if they really wanted to talk about it, it would be revealed... but I definately feel honored to have those of you who do open up to me and have blurred those lines.. maybe a cruise can be arranged...hmmm... I have been called the planning queen by my friends...

Classes start tomorrow... Tues/Thurs nights from 6p-10p...sigh... externship starts Wed and goes Weds, Thurs, and Fri's.... Not that bad when I really think about it... That means I get Fri @ whatever time we finish thru Tues at 5pm to be home/party/study/blog/sleep/flirt/movie hop/eat oreo's/and commence the next dialogue installment....

I just signed up for the organizational exam that I need to pass to receive my Masters degree... I have to get a 600 out of a 1000... Most people pass, but you've gotta study...sigh.... I haven't learned how to really do that in all my years of education... My sis in law already took it and told me she ran out of time on the last 30 and answered C all the way down to beat the buzzer... she passed.... Knowing this will make me feel doubly stupid if I don't pass...smh... One month and counting until I have to take it...

I'm out... Happy Monday all!!

Cruisin

2008-05-10T00:00:00.004-04:00

Alright, so I have been jonesin to go on another cruise since everyone in the blog world is talkin about vacationing . I went on one almost two years ago to the West Caribbean and it was one of the best times that I have had in my life. It was actually my first trip without my parents or without a teacher for supervision. My friend Chinyere (pronounced shin-er-ee) convinced me to go with her... It didn't really take much convincing... But now I want to go on one, and I may have some challenges finding a companion... Any volunteers??...lol... On this trip, I did a few things I had never done before, such as ride horseback... IN THE OCEAN... and let me just say, I was scared OUT OF MY MIND. Not because I this was my first time on horseback and they wanted to take us out into the ocean to do it, but because I was surrounding by several other horses and my horse wanted to compete. She kept galloping thru the water because she wanted to be the FIRST. I can't knock her for her competitive spirit, but you are NOT in a derby and I am NOT tryin to race here... It was so hilarious, me bouncing away on her, laughing and screaming, praying that I didn't fall into the water that was slowly being contaminated by horse shit..(i guess it feels better to poop in the ocean *shrugs*).

I got to dance the night away without worryin about my dad worryin about me (i hate knowin that he's up waitin for me to come home... always dampens my good time cause i don't like stressin him out, and he hates when i go out super late... so i usually get home around 2am... which i don't mind, cause honestly, i am done by that time anyway)...I watched the sun come up on the balcony almost every morning eating ice cream after dancing all night (honestly, i think cruise ice cream is laced with meth or somethin... my ass was ADDICTED to it by day 1...).

My talkin to stranger skills were also activated, constantly interacting with folk I didn't know. In fact, I actually kept in touch with a few for a few months following the cruise, but it died down. I have not seen so many happy friendly people in one place in my whole life. My skin tone definately went from a nice medium toasted carmel, to a warm brown... and when I came back, my dad smiled from ear to ear cause he was like 'we match!' since I'm so much lighter than him...lol. Honestly, four days and three nights of no responsibilies, no cleaning, no family, no anything but spending money (that I had at the time... man I miss those days...lol), is soooooo awesome, and I'm ready to revisit that feeling. Maybe I can talk my parents into goin once I graduate... *shrugs*, they probably won't tho...lol... Oh well, I'm sure I'll find someone by then (December 2008 cannot come soon enough)... Pics of the cruise:

So, this was the first full day of cruisin... I woke up that morning, went to the gym and ran to the sound of whatever was poppin at that time as I power walked my ass off... (running hurts my knees...)...Walked 2 miles in 27 min... I know, I'm bad ass with the power walkin...lol.. Then went to the deck with Chin (pronounced shin) and watched the ice carving... I ended up dancing with this family that was gettin down to the live band... The grandpa and I were GETTIN it!...lol

This was the second day full day... walked on the beach on the private island that Carn.ival owns. I did get the opportunity to go into that SPECTACULAR water and it was sooooo nice. I mean, my entire body was in the water and I could still see my toes... there are NO beaches like that near Orlando... I gotta head down south for that ish... but even those waters don't compare to island water... Made me think of the beaches in Haiti... just as beautiful *sigh*

Here is a photo of me and my girl Chin on the horses (I don't remember the name of her horse, but mine was named Titi... the only reason why I remember her name is cause I joked about the ride in the ocean for the rest of the trip, reinacting the experience for the girls we met and chilled with on the boat.) I'm not gotta lie... my...ummm... personal space was a little disturbed by the experience, but an hour later I was straight.
The guide that we had LOVED my camera... He, in his lovely caribbean accent, was like 'Pu ya hand behind you and make sure to hold the reins lightly. Now smile... Yes just like dat.'... hahaha

This is me and one of the girls I chilled with on the boat. A bad ass white girl. She was sooo cool, had me crackin up the ENTIRE trip. She was one of the people I kept in touch with after I got off the boat, and we had lightly talked about goin on another cruise together since we had so much fun... but alas.. it never came to fruition... Oh well, I'll always have memories...This was post dinner nap prior to goin to the club. Those clubs were like those in Miami... nothin popped off until 2am. Me and Chin would nap after dinner and then get up around 1 to get ready for the club... and some nights, she would just stay asleep cause she would get up to study (yes people... she studied on vacation...smh... such determination... I guess that's how you gotta be to get thru med school)

The last day walkin around Nassau... I did not need a DROP of lotion to look moisturized. The heat was enough to keep me glistenin...

Sooo... who's comin withme on my next cruise?...lol...

Glowin Baby

2008-05-08T00:00:00.003-04:00

Soooooo, the concert. Ok, the joy of commuting to another city for the sake of K.anye, L.upe, and N.ERD...(Ri.hanna was just a mild bonus)...lol... The day started out with me at work, blogging, and thinkin about the fact that my home girl Roxy was probably gonna be late..since that is her fate...lol. I get off of work and I rush home where I meet my homeboy Andy who gets ready downstairs while I shower and get dressed upstairs. Rox gets there around 5:30 (she wanted to leave around 4:30ish...smh... but I completely understand why... She left her gear at her house and had to go back all the way to her side of town...sucks). So we head to the concert. Two notable things happen on the way to the concert. 1: Roxy attracts the attention of this white trucker... He looked like he was around his mid to late 20s and he was STARIN at my girl Rox. She mentioned it to me, which of course led to me leaning forward to see who the guy was. I smiled and pointed at her, laughin my ass off cause he was nodding his head all about it. I sped up so that she didn't have to suffer too long, but at one point, he caught up with us and put his arm out the window to get our attention. And to FURTHER bring laughter from my abdomen, he added a backwards baseball hat to heighten his thug appeal...lol. It was hilarity. 2: A piece of my newly fixed car fell off... I heard a pop on the driver side, and sure enough, when I looked at my side view mirror, I saw the missing piece near my window (the framing came off.)... I just shook my head... There is ALWAYS something with me and cars... Oh well... It was a quick fix... Took her today actually, and now she's all better.... Here are some in the car driving there photos:

And yes, I already know that I look like a 12 yr old... but I am legal, I swear...lol
My girl Roxy, lookin OH so Fly... She had these dunks that left me in awe... Her style was too fresh for me that night...Thanx homie... Your excitement made this trip SO much fun!! My friend Andy. Lemme tell you- we took this kid shopping before going to the concert. He has worn the same all black or all white K-Swiss kicks for the last 2-3yrs. I mean, he's a lover of black and white and very rarely branches out. I think either me or Rox have helped him purchase all of his work attire because we didn't want him to pick out a plain white, plain blue, or plain black shirt... So for the concert, we took him shopping. Now I am a visual shopper... This means, I look, like, buy. Rox has a different philosophy... which I'm learning is the true womanly way... Going from shop to shop, comparing prices and tryin stuff on. I hate tryin stuff on. Mostly because if I can look at an item of clothing for someone else and it fit perfectly, I should be able to do that for myself... The only clothes I try are really questionable tops, or pants (cause I gotta bubble butt that is high enough to reach my upper back...lol)...am I digressing right now??... yeh, I'm digressing. So yeh... when the decision for his shoes were finally made, he and I walked off to Mac.y's while Rox went to find her fit. We walked in at 4:59pm and by 5:13 pm, I picked out a shirt that fit perfectly and matched the black, brown, and gold dunks that were purchased (they were soooo hot)... as well as jeans that were the correct measurements... I should be a personal shopper...lol

So we got to the concert... Rednecks were all along the path watchin scantily dressed white girls walk as the wind picked up their short skirts/dresses... and one had me dyin cause I asked him if he liked the view and he responded 'HELL YEEEAH! Everything I've ever wanted and more...'...lol. As we got closer to the ampitheatre, Andy somehow knew quite a few people... All female- go fig...lol... We found our seats and proceeded to jam out to N.erd who were already on stage. The people sitting behind us LOVED Andy and followed his dance moves the whole night... as he followed me, cause I am that amazing...lol... For our viewing pleasure?!?!? White drunk chicks sitting in the row in front of us. It was just the most pitiful thing. One was stumbling all over herself, while the other kept dropping her beer, pissing off the people around them. Noted: Black guy with his girlfriend starin at the white girl who was stumblin, blowin kisses and smilin as his lady stood in front of him watchin the concert...smh.... Guest appearance? Fake Rihanna that we made fun of cause she just dressed soo... yeh... In fact, Rox actually walked up to her and told her she looked like Ri Ri....hahaha. Anyone else to visit? Joh.n Le.gend (the real one)... Of course, we all looked at each other being anti fans (even tho me and Rox love legend) wonderin why the hell he had to walk through the crowd at intermission when all the lights were on, all in the middle so that EVERYone could see... Don't you get ENOUGH attention?!?! I mean really...hahaha... The couple in front of us, hilarious duo, turned and commented 'I wonder why they didn't do that for 'R.ihanna' referring to the fake one... too funny... Kan.ye did it SO big. I mean, he didn't wear anything that lit up... In fact, he stood with a t-shirt and some jeans with these bad azz shoes for the entire concert. No costume changes, just him up on stage, which was awesomely built. It kinda looked like he was standing on a laptop honestly... Lu.pe only came one stage for one song with Kan.ye and that was the span of his performance... Really disappointing cause I love me some Lup.e...sigh.... All in all tho, a great time...as we walked to the car, we recapped and cracked up over nothing and everything... cause that's how we talk...lol. Pics of in the car riding home:

At this point, I was DONE with the pigtails and pulled those right out... Hahaha... And yes, I'm texting and driving... I like putting passengers in danger...lol...

So ya'll... I hope you enjoyed my quick recap... and the car pics...lol. Of the whole night, this was my most favoritist song... that's right... I said it... favoritist...

A Prose...

2008-05-06T10:52:00.013-04:00

Thank you to Charles... this picture was evoking, and caused my fingers to fly across keys... and she changes every time i see her... probably because i do...

He has captured the essence of me in the liquid sanctions of his pen, eloquently exposing my nature with each drop of thought on paper. I try to hide in the exposed pours of his canvas and deny the fact that I am seen... but his technique astounds me and before I realize it... I was written. The story of the stretch of my face and the fold of my arms are told and he, my artist, so gentle in his stoke continues the tale with diligence and quiet understanding. He immortalizes the bend of my back and encases the the swell of my breast playin on their antagonistic nature, pushing forward until climax.... a moment we have yet to reach.. He is enjoying the build up far too greatly and he is meticulous in his determination to make each curve count, pausing to review, and then continuing on his journey across my length being both author and editor. I feel his smile as his ink tickles my neck, taking particular care in its formulation, exercising all of his ability just to get it right. He hears my hum, the contact of he on me in that spot.... but he does not become distracted. Instead, he continues, gliding his ballpoint beneath my chin... my desire is to seek into him... and he knows this... but instead, my gaze is cast down, so that he, my artist, can hide...what a revelation. You see, as he takes his time unfolding me... he makes sure to maintain his anonymity... because he's unsure that if exposed like me, he will be appreciated.... so I am left bare, and he... cloaked behind the gauze of artist... known but never understood. But I still feel him... my artist... And as people stand and admire the story of his lines, people will infer of his mastery of me and how he was able to achieve such likeness... He will look upon me then, exposing his answer... oh my artist... how he loves me...

Digression: Went to the Kanye concert last night. I'm completely exhausted by it (hence this pre-written post)... but I gotchu on Thurs...lol... I'mma see if my home girl Roxy can upload the pics soon and send them my way so that I can put some on here... of course, they are of us in the car on the way there and back cause she was scared to get her camera taken away, but... I'm sure those will be ok too....lol... and i can tell you all of the antics and ridiculousness

Update: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are married?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I missed that?... wooooooooooooooooow

Possibilities

2008-05-04T00:25:00.004-04:00

Initially, this post was suppose to be this self exposing free thought typing scenario that I was having late Saturday night, or early Sunday morning (however you wanna look at it)... but instead, I'm pulling back. Reason: Some of those thoughts and feelings don't need to come to surface. The potential for what they could be does not need to be aired. Honestly, that is so unlike me. I usually go with my gut and do or say what my heart tells me I should... which is usually 'putting it all out there'. But I can't. Because if I let it go, I don't know if I'll be able to control it. Right now it is being contained in the smallest of small compartments of my mental state, ever present, but none the less controlled. However like fire, a breath of oxygen can feed this seed of possibility and turn it into something without boundaries... and I don't want that. Not because of anything except... it shouldn't be. As much as I would move my world over for the possibility of greatness... I don't have the opportunity... and I'm not gonna make one because maybe it would adjust planets that are aligned along side mines and I would hate to crush or destroy anyone around me. So I'm gonna hold it in. This is just an acknowledgment that it is there... and that I need to make a conscious effort to keep a tight rein. Otherwise... who knows of the possibilities....

A blog dialogue- The Wedding...The Conclusion

2008-05-02T00:00:00.002-04:00

'Soumy and Eb have decided that today is not the day for them.' Lookin at the alter James speaks directly to the man responsible, 'There are some complicated emotional elements that prevent these two from being able to truly commit to one another.' He places a hand on either side of him on the shoulders of Eb and Soumy, 'But, the love I see here is pretty profound and I do not doubt, with a little more talking, they can work things out and get it where it needs to be for a forever kinda union.'

'So wait…I dressed up, feelin all uncomfortable cause of my crimson, standing up here in this lavender concoction, and you're telling me that they aren't getting married?!?!' Deja folds her arms and speaks with irritation.

'Well, a wedding can still happen… I mean, we have an officiant,' glancing over at James, 'and we are all here. Is there anyone that feels ready?' Eb speaks looking around the church.

1980 looks down at Britt. He smiles, but she firmly shakes her head no. He laughs knowing that would have been the response.

Buttercup places her head on Char and whispers to him, 'If only things were different. I might actually…' but doesn't finish her thought out loud.

Queen leans forward and kisses Jintu slowly. 'I'm not ready… but I will be soon,' she adds following the sensuous kiss. He nods understanding, but his eyes express his disappointment.

Cannon, still engrossed by the flagrant self gratification that is takin place right before his eyes, whispers to Jersey, 'Will you marry me?' She smiles sexily, but whispers back, 'I think I have feelings for someone else doll… Maybe next lifetime?' as she glides a solitary finger across his jaw.

Rashan stares at their interaction, not very pleased, and leaves the alter to go sit next to Jameil and Stacie who have begun placing bets on who will wed.

I look behind me at 1/3 who is looking beautiful, and I can see her eyes bore into Charles with fear, confusion and excitement.

'You can upgrade from taking it slow to taking it all the way…' I chuckle lightly.

'I don't think he's ready,' she responds softly.

I raise an eyebrow and shift my body to get a full few of this exquisite woman who sounded slightly disappointed.

'Are you saying you are?' She looks at me quickly, then shifts her gaze to the ground just as quickly and shrugs.

I dip down a bit and interrupt her contact with the floor and make her eyes take me in. 'Hey… you feeling him that strongly, I think you should say something.'

'No. I can't. I'm not quite at the place u are, where I can just put it all out there. If he wants to, he can make it happen… otherwise, I'll wait until he is ready.' She smiles meekly and I place a gentle hand on her shoulder.

'That's bullshit, but I'll respect your stance on it, cause we operate differently; but truth? Everyone wants to hear they are cared for, or loved. That should never be something you wait patiently to hear because you are unsure if it's reciprocated… Just say it when you feel it because opportunities to do so are not infinite. But let me drop this…' She looks as though she is thinking over what I just said and her eyes return to Charles who is talkin to Swag about the Haw.ks vs. Ce.ltics game.

'We'll do it. We'll get married. I mean… If KB'll have me.' -1- looks over at KB whose mouth falls open as tears glisten her eyes.

Stacie hands Jameil $5 and a coupon to Chick'fil'a. Jameil gives her the kool aid smile and taunts with, 'I wooooooon. I woooooooooon. I woooooooooon.'

Don smiles and yells, 'Do it KB! You two are beautiful together!'

Diva rolls her eyes at Don and Niga officially loses any curiosity she had for him due to his eagerness to view a lesbian wedding thinking he probably fantasizes about joining in o.

'Are you sure you wanna marry me? I mean.. I have been known to be a brat.' KB searches -1-'s gaze for hesitation. She finds none.

'Yeah… but at the end of the day, you would be my brat and I really want that.' -1- leans in and kisses KB hungrily as Don rushes over to them.

'Can we move this along please. I'd really like to get to the alcohol and this romance shit is killin the buzz I had goin from my Corona.' Lea pipes up from her pew, surprising everyone since she had been sleeping soundly on Sojourn's shoulder for most of the wedding drama.

'Alright, then… let's do this.' James nods over to KB and -1- and walks back up to take his place at the center of the alter.

Everyone in the bridal and groom parties remain standing and Eb and Soum take a seat in one of the pews. Eb cuddles up with Soum, but her eyes betray her from time to time and she gazes longingly at the man who laid the pipe for her and caused her internal battle.

As James commenced the wedding… I looked around the room at all of the bloggers that I shared such an interesting day with….

Cannon, still drooling over Jersey, who had removed her sweater to better caress herself had me laughin. Roxy, Hadassah, Zephi, and Niga sitting like beautiful queens smiling softly and giggling when the 'groom' fumbled with the ruby red ring pop ring that Rashan and Diva ran and found on some corner store somewhere. Jameil counting the minutes until she could leave to cash in her coupon for some fil'a waffle fries while Stacie wonders about when it will be her turn. Jintu glancing over in my direction thinking of what could have been if I hadn't been so indecisive... until being pulled back to his current happiness of Queen's whispered poetic teases of what she will be doin later to him. Dessex, lookin so fresh in his newly graduated glory, giving his lady an air kiss to show his love, and Don smiling deeply at memories of moments spent in sticky sex. One Man laughin at Deja as she taunts him with a bottle of lotion, disturbin the romance just a little with her uncanny humor. Swag, lookin down at his phone to check the score of the game while textin his best friend, glances up every now and then to shoot me a quick smile before goin back to his world. 1980 places a hand around Britt, who gently pulls away and links arms instead, smiling politely. Char and Buttercup quietly slip out to go sit and talk about the sentence that she didn't quite finish and I smile at the potential of possibilities. And as I think of this, I look over at Charles whose gaze is locked on 1/3, who is completely unaware… and I chuckle knowingly. And as my eyes wander back to the alter and meet the sight of -1- kissing the bride, I cheer and laugh with one solitary thought running through my mind.

The reception is gonna be interesting….

I hope you guys enjoyed the fruits of my online labor. Look out for the next blog dialogue- The Reception...lol (but not right now... I need a break...ya'll wore me out...lol)

A blog dialogue- The Wedding...pt. 3

2008-04-30T00:00:00.001-04:00

'Hey ladies, we gotta start getting ready to go out. James is standing at the alter and the groom and groomsmen are makin there way out there.' Diva interrupts the convo to alert the bride.

She stands and Deja pulls Eb's veil over her eyes making eye contact to try and determine what Eb wants her to do. She smiles and nods and Deja allows the veil to fall… She made the decision.

As places are taken and the bridesmaids begin making their procession down the aisle to the tune of Wreckless Love, Eb takes a deep breathe and says a little prayer.

Dear God,
I pray that this be your will and I ask that you bless this union for all days. Amen.

As she steps out and begins her procession, All-4-One standing in the balcony directly above the alter, start their acappella rendition of So Much in Love

Stacie takes a handkerchief and wipes her eyes as 1/3 makes eye contact with Charles and smiles; -1- puts arm around KB and Jintu gives Queen a light neck kiss; Rashan licks his lips and smiles over at Jersey who uncrosses and crosses her legs seductively; Char discreetly links fingers with Buttercup while Britt slips her arm through 1980's; Cannon continues to talk under his breath with Zephi and Niga ignores them, staring at Don wondering about him. Only a few actually pay attention to the bride as she walks down the aisle, but only one matters… and his eyes are locked.

Eb's prayer lingers in her mind and she stares into the eyes of the man she is about to commit to for the rest of her life...

And she stops. Because she feels his eyes on her as they bore ferociously… she cannot move. She turns slightly and looks to the men standing to the left of her future husband (Dessex, One Man, Don, and Rashan). There he stood, watching her with quiet strength, unmoved and stoic. She is frozen where she stands and knows that she just cannot move forward.

Soumy, seeing the hesitation, leaves the canopied alter and walks up to her, which causes chatter to break out. He sees her distraction and understands its roots, but wants to push through it and make this woman his bride. He takes her hand with one hand and moves the veil up with the other… the room fades around them.

'Eb….'

Eyes cast down

'You can trust me baby?'

Eyes make contact, tear stung

Soumy takes a deep breath, stands up straighter and asks 'You still want him in your life don't you?'

An apologetic shrug

'You don't want me?'

Eb eyes grow large and she places a hand on his face, 'No! No! That's not it… I love you Soum… more than you know… but….' as tears begin to shed, 'I just can't stop thinking about him since that night. I've tried to shake it… Did everything in my power to do so… but I just can't. I don't know what to do Soumy… Tell me, what do you want me to do.' He puts an arm around her and holds her in a warm embrace.

James standing at the alter ready to commence the ceremony breaks into their world with a booming voice that is really unexpected.

'Eb, Soumy… I want to talk to you two. There are some things that need to be addressed, and clearly you two have not done so. I have sat on the sidelines for too long, and I want the success of black couples to be a typical thing, so com'mon. Let's go talk.'

Rashan looks over at me with the Smirk, and I shake my head and reprimand him with a mouthed 'stop it, jerk'

As James, Soumy, and Eb leave the main hall, and walk to the groom's room… Diva puts one hand on her hip and asks the question that we all wanna know the answer to...

'Which one of ya'll tworked it out for Eb? Cause aint no way she's duckin Soum for anything less than that. One of ya'll got some quote'n'quote good dick that she can't get past...'

Dessex looks over at One Man whose smiling over at Deja. Rashan blows kisses to Jersey who is performing fellatio on her finger causing Cannon to climb over the back of her pew so that he can sit next to her and fantasize. Jameil rolls her eyes and shakes her head at Cannon mumbling 'youngin'. Don is distracted by KB and -1- kissing in the back of the church and doesn't pay attention to what Diva is asking. Swag shifts a bit to give them room and glances up at me, motioning to them and I giggle softly.

Snapping her fingers and walking over to the boys to get their attention, Diva inquires, 'Which one of you hit that?' looking at each groomsman.

They all stand there shaking their heads no, and Diva's gaze lingers on Rashan.

'Well... one of you did, cause she was starin up here when she stopped her procession.'

Rashan looks back at Diva completely unaffected by her glare. 'Well it ain't me, so you can just stop looking this way.'

One Man, Dessex, and Don have yet to respond.

Deja pipes up from the bride's side, 'Why are you ashamed of your dick action. Clearly you did a good job, whichever one of you did it… so why act like it aint you.'

'Cause I save my 'tworking' for my lady and don't feel like I'm part of this conversation,' Dessex pipes up, pointing to his lady sitting in the pew behind Jersey who has moved to touching and fondling her own breasts causing Cannon to slump a bit in his seat so that he can be at eye level. Every so often, he sticks his tongue out and Jintu chuckles at his antics.

One Man and Don are left, but neither one say a word.

'Fine, you don't want to say anything… then I'll just have to assume it was Don, since you guys kissed awhile back,' Diva shrugs…

'A kiss and sex are two different things, so you can just throw that logic out the window,' Don responds.

'Well, why won't you answer?' I look directly at him.

'Because what I do is what I do, and I don't feel I have to answer… besides, I'm not the only single groomsman up here….' deflecting the attention from himself to One.

'But One's only partner has four fingers and one thumb and is attached to his right arm…,' Deja points out.

'Everyone has a first time.' Rashan interjects

'Well then, who is it? You or One Man?'

Don and One Man look at each other, shrug and both stand silent.

'This is some shit.' 1980 adds. Looking over at Britt, 'See, aren't you happy we didn't leave?' Britt furrows her brow and crosses her arms.

'I would never be in a situation like that.'

'What a fucking surprise.' KB retorts

-1- laughs lightly at KB, 'How did you even hear her?' KB just shrugs and goes back to running her fingers thru -1-'s hair.

Just then, James, Eb, and Soumy walk back into the church. All eyes look in their direction and James begins to speak.

A blog dialogue- The Wedding...pt.2

2008-04-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

-1-'s holding tightly to KB in a firm embrace as she shouted and pulled to get over to Britt. Britt, not one for confrontation, turned to 1980

'I want to go…,' glancing back to KB, 'Now!'

KB breaks free from -1-'s embrace and just as she reaches Britt, 1980 stands in front of her, blocking KB's access to Britt's hair.

'Calm it down KB! Is it all that serious?!' 1980 looking down from his towering stature at KB who stood over a foot below him.

-1- walks over to KB as she stayed fuming where she stood not bothering to try to push through 1980 and whispered in her ear,

'Baby, ease up. I know what's up, but you can't act like this. She's not worth it and you know that she's not gonna change. Just do you and know that I care about you. I mean, honestly, isn't that all that matters.'

KB turns and looks up at -1-, catching the intense eye contact that -1- was given.

At this point, Jameil and Stacie walk in joking and laughing about the conversation that Jameil had with drunk Rashan last night.

Jameil waves when she sees me and Diva, but pulls up at the sight of everyone staring at the KB, -1-, 1980, Britt cluster.

'What's going on?' Stacie looks at everyone not completely understanding what she missed, but knowing that it was probably good.

-1- leads KB back to their pew and 1980 sits down on the other side, a few rows behind KB and -1- and pulls Britt to sit next to him as she continues expressing her desire to leave.

Stacie whispers over to Jameil, 'See, I knew we should have gotten here early. Got me missin good blog drama.'

1/3, Diva, and I walk back over to Eb's room as Lea walks in holding a Corona on the arm of Sojourn, Char and Buttercup chatting up trickle in shortly after, and Hadassah and Roxy stroll in getting acquainted with one another as they grab a seat near Britt and 1980.

'Hey, where's Charles?' I whisper over to 1/3.

'I wore him out last night girl. I'll be surprised if he can walk.' She does a light hair flip with her shiny straight locks that look breathtaking today. I'm stunned a bit not expecting the comment that fell out of her mouth and immediately stop my step.

She laughs and pulls my hand to get me moving 'I'm just kidding. We're takin it slow, for obvious reasons. He called this morning and said he had to stop and get something before comin to the church. Probably his suit…So last minute that man.'

As we walk into the bride's room, a woman walks into the church, who pulls the attention of the entire room. She a statuesque, long legged exotic looking woman that has an overwhelming amount of flawless makeup meticulously applied, looks around the church and begins searching for a seat. She is dressed in a soft sundress that does little to hide her razor sharp curves. Stace leans over to Jameil and asks if she recognizes her. Jameil shakes her head no. -1- stops her lowered conversation with KB and watches this woman walk. KB looks at -1- with the face of a jealous woman, quickly grips -1- face and makes her meet her eyes, 'Here.' Swag can't help but stare at this woman due to her likeness to Te.edr.a Mo.s.es and leans over to Char asking him if he was the only one who thought so. Char shrugs not knowing who Te.edr.a was, which leads Swag into a full out discussion of how he needed to download songs from her.

Rashan rushes out from the back room on the groom's side and slows his swagger when he hits the main church, making sure he's looking completely together and greets the no name nubian.

'Hey beautiful. Thank you for coming. How bout you take a seat right here,' gesturing to the pew directly in front of where he would be standing.

As he heads back, he gets cornered by Jameil.

'Who is that?' Jameil folds her arms and waits for the explanation.

'No one that you need to worry your pretty little head about. Just go back and sit down.' Rashan tries to brush her off, but Jameil doesn't give up quite so easily.

'Is that the stripper from last night that you kept going on and on about?'

He shrugs and pushes past her, laughing a little because he knew he was gonna be having some fun.

As he walked back into the groom's room, Dessex was pushing Soumy to his feet and Don and One were starting to get fully dressed.

'Yo, Jersey is here.'

The guys look at each other then back to Rashan.

'Are you out of your mind? What the hell is she doing here?' asks Don

'I didn't really think she would come. But she sent me a text letting me know she was here, and when I walked out there, she was.'

Soumy tries to recall this woman, but doesn't and looks to Dessex. 'Who is that?'

Dessex shakes his head, laughing. 'The woman who lap danced your sanity right out of you last night.'

Soumy gaze shifts to Rashan with a look of sheer dread on his face.

'Shan, what the hell is wrong with you man? Do you know that Eb will rip her face off if she finds out who that woman is? Whachu tryna do to me?' Soum shakes his head.

Rashan laughs, 'Don't sweat it man. Just tell Eb she's my date. In truth, she is. You don't have to tell her anything and we are the only one's who know how I know her, so it should be cool. Now stop worryin about it and get yourself together. You got about 20min before 'I do's' get thrown around and you need to be wrappin your head around that shit.'

Silence falls and the guys continue to get ready in the comfortable quiet; a sharp contrast to the whirlwind commotional room of the bride, who is having an emotional breakdown.

Turning to Deja, Eb whispers, 'Deja, I don't think I can do this. I mean…COMMIT COMMIT?!?! Forever EVER,' looks down at her left hand that was delicately adorned by a classically designed 2 carat princess cut diamond set in white gold, the engagement ring that felt so heavy on her hand today.

Deja responds surprised, 'Why not?'

'Because…I..umm… I think I might be…well… feeling someone else. At first, I thought it was just wedding jitters, but I'm really thinking this is more. He makes me feel sooo amazing, and he is such an enigma. I can never tell how he feels, which makes me yearn for him even more. I feel like a school girl with him, which tells me that this really is something that needs to be addressed. I don't know, what do you think?'

'Well who is it?'

'Well…ummm… it's….'

A blog dialogue- The Wedding

2008-04-26T00:56:00.002-04:00

1/3 walks into the bride's room looking radiant in the soft lavender strapless dress that was hand chosen by the bride. She closes the door behind her and walks directly over to me and Diva who are dressed in dresses that match in color but not style. We are focusing on doing our duty of assisting the bride when she pulls us away and whispers

'Can I talk to you two?'

I look over at 1/3 and see the concern in her eyes and I immediately get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Luckily the bride was busy talking to Deja, the fourth and final bridesmaid, who was expressing her annoyance with being on her period while still having to dress up.

Diva and I walk outta the room, closing the door behind us just as Deja broke into her master plan for safe uterus removal making the bride break out in deep throat laughter. Which was needed, because her nervousness was getting on everyone's nerves this morning.

'What's up?' Diva turns to 1/3 giving the 'this better be good' face.

'Well, I was just talking to Rashan and he was telling me that the groom is still drunk from last night.'

'WHAT!?' I can't help but raise my voice a bit, but quickly quiet down thinkin the bride is right behind the door and can probably hear me. Sure enough, I see her head pop out and she looks at me.

'What's going on?'

'Nothing.' 1/3 and I respond quickly and smile nervously. 'We're just talking about the fight that 1/3 and Charles had last night….he may not be here.' I said the first thing that came to mind and placed an arm around 1/3, who quickly began to nod sadly.

'Awwww, sweetie. Give him a call and try to work things out. I want all of you here and happy on my day.'

Diva walks over to the door and says 'Focus on yourself woman. We've got this…' laughing softly, she closes the door leaving the bride inside and turns, giving me the side eye and walks straight through me and 1/3 in the direction of the groom's room. Me and 1/3 look at each other, shrug, and immediately follow the trail of heat that is exuded by Diva's steaming form.

As she cuts through the main church, we follow and I look at the finished product of the bride's vision. Purple posy's accentuated by white daisy's were strategically placed all around the expansive church tied together with sheer white cloth. It was beautiful, and as guests of the bride and groom began filing in, they commented on the exquisitely built canopy that stood at the front of the room, awaiting to house the love birds.

'Desy, 1/3!' I turn and see KB waving as -1- kisses KB's newly tattooed wrist trying to pull her attention back to her. Swag is sitting next to them and our eye contact causes an unexpected smile on my face. 1/3 sees my reaction and says

'What was that?'

"What?...nothing…' I shrug weakly and keep walking, but stop at the sight of Queen and Jintu sitting cozily. I raise an eyebrow but don't say anything. Sitting a row behind them, is Niga eavesdropping on Zephi and Cannon as she argues with him over his use of the phrase 'getting butt', Niga shaking her head every now and then at the trivial conversation that she can't resist listening to. I look behind me, and catch 1/3 chatting it up with Britt and 1980 who just walked into the church.

'Hey, we gotta...com'mon let's go…' I pull her in the direction that Diva had disappeared into a few minutes earlier, and as we get closer to the groom's room, we hear her sarcastically conversing with the culprit, Rashan.

'Can you explain to me how he's STILL drunk?'

'I don't know. I mean, I just took him out to this joint that I love and taught him the commandments, while drinking and having a good time. I honestly didn't pay attention to what everyone was drinking or how much. I'm no one's keeper.' shrugging, his face began revealing his annoyance at this conversation

'Did you really have to have the bachelor party LAST NIGHT? I mean, you knew what was going to happen, big head.'

'No I didn't. All I knew is that we were gonna have a good time. Look, he'll be fine by the time he has to stand at the alter… Just let us take care of it.'

Don walks out of the groom's room at the sound of Diva and Rashan's conversation and stops at the sight of me with my hair piled high in soft natural curls leaving my shoulders exposed in the spaghetti strap, thigh high slit form fitting bridesmaid's dress.

'My my miss Desy. Don't you look lovely.'

'Why thank you Don.' I walk quickly past him and enter into the groom's room. There stands One Man fully dressed from the waist up. His pants are laying perfectly pressed on a hanger in the closet provided, which offers me the in person view of his ashiness.

'Wow One…' I shake my head in amazement at his stubborness to NEVER wear lotion.

'Wha…? I'm not trynna get wrinkled…' He shrugs

'I am SO not talkin about that One… Lotion?'…. He shakes his head no as my attention gets pulled to the other corner at the sound of he groom throwing up in a small garbage can. Dessex is standing next to him laughing at his misery.

'I told you last night to ease up man. Why didn't you listen…' Dessex walks over to me and gives me a hug

'Hey, can you go get him a glass of water and some crackers. Please… we need to get him ready within the next hour and it is SO clear right now that he is no where near it.' I give Dessex a pleading look and he looks over his shoulder back at the groom who is revisiting the garbage can for the 3rd time this morning.

'Alright… be back in a few'.

'Sweety, how are you feeling?' I know it's a dumb question, but I gotta ask as I walk over to him and lean forward to get a gage on his facial. Not good….not good at all.

I pull out my smelling salt that I bought specifically for this reason and hold it underneath his nose. He pulls up quickly and sits back in the chair. I pull out a rag and start wiping his face as I begin my lecturing

James walks in just as I finish and he walks over to me.

'How's he doing?'

I shrug and look back at the groom.

'You know this isn't a good sign. I don't understand why he got so tore up if he…' not finishing the sentence, he just shook his head.

'Look, we are not gonna over analyze this situation Jay. Last night and today's throwing up can be a result of his nervousness. That is not a ridiculous notion at all. Now think positive and help him out

Don walks back in, accompanied by Diva, 1/3, Rashan, and Dessex who is holding the water and crackers I requested.

As the groom begins putting some nutrients back into his body, Rashan tries to shoo us ladies out of the room.

'Look, Soum'll be fine. Now go back to Eb's room and get her situated. She's gonna need ya'll.'

As we walk outta of the groom's room… we hear commotion in the main church and rush over just in time to see KB shouting angrily across the church at Britt as she is being held back by -1-….

I was thought of...

2008-04-24T00:00:00.001-04:00

I don't usually do these, and I probably never will again, but since I'm SO tired and dont have the energy to finish the dialogue... i'mma work this tag out

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you…
1/3, Hadassah, Niga and Cannon

2. Mention the rules in your blog…
Ummmm, yeah... theses are them

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

~I can float on my back in a pool for endless amounts of time....

~I speak Creole, English, French (on a basic level), and know American Sign Language; also, I speak some Spanish and understand quite a bit more

~I like talking to strangers that are nice. In fact, in one instance, me and my friend were at an Emeril's restaurant and I actually gave a piece of my steak to the couple sitting next to me cause the husband was ALL about my steak... and just wanted to try it. Next thing I know, they are paying for our dessert.... I love stuff like that

~I THOROUGHLY enjoy being alone. Not ALL the time, but at least one or two times a week if I can pull it. No phones, no conversation, and no people to people interaction is ideal...

~I've rotated my own tires... changed my own oil (with the help of friend at his house) and get down when it comes to yard work. It's soooo not my favorite thing to do on a Sunday, but I will if I see fam workin it out... I don't mind helpin out

~I hate eating the same stuff for days on end. My step mom has cooked large meals for as long as I can remember that last 2-3 days...I don't know if it's cause it's been like that my WHOLE life, but I'm definately cannot do it anymore (unless i'm broke, or starving)

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
I'm breakin this rule cause whoever wants to do this has already done it....and whoever hasn't and wants to...well...do it and say i told u to...

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged
n/a

6. Unspectacular quirks
Didn't I just do this?

What happen to all my time?

2008-04-22T00:00:00.001-04:00

Being busy ruins my possibility to breath.

I actually slept 14 hours on saturday.... all the way to 4pm.... what a waste of a day. Why, you ask... because I only got 2.5 hours of sleep thurs night and i went out fri night, dancing and drinking, enjoying the completion of another stress filled week. When I finally got in bed, my body was EXTRA ready- hence the excessive sleeping

sunday, i spent the entire day at a surprise party for a friend who ended up getting engaged, which opened a huge can of emotional worms for me. I ended up crying myself to sleep. Congratulations to my mi gente...tu estas muy bonita y te amo mucho por mi vida

Today, I was at school from 9am-8pm doing revisions and having close out meetings with supervisors... and I'm back to being exhausted...

And all I want to do is blog...which i can't even do properly because of the end of school days

:sigh: soon... very soon, it will be over; and all I'll have is time. I CAN'T WAIT!

How weird do i sound right now...? oh well...lol

You Ever...?

2008-04-20T12:20:00.000-04:00

You ever... wanted to switch places with anyone that wasn't you just so that you could lose your mind for a minute in someone else's world and then come back to yourself like nothing happened?

You ever... wonder what it would be like if you were Darius or Nina (Love Jones reference)?

You ever...had something so great to post about, but when you got home, you completely forgot what the hell it was and you ended up writing something completely different?

You ever... made the worst dinner in your life, but had nothing else to eat and no money so you ate it anyway?

You ever... heard a story so good, then when you are sad or angry, you think about it and it makes you smile or laugh?

You ever...wonder about what a fellow blogger might be doing at any moment in your day, even though you've never spoken to them?

You ever...find yourself going to a movie alone because.... well... just cause?

You ever... flirt just because the attention was nice, even though you kind of knew that that was as far as it would go?

You ever... think about that special someone and scroll through your phone debating on dialing

You ever...been so hungry that even though you dropped that food item on the ground, you kiss it to the sky and ate it anyway (Eddie Murphy style...lol)? or sang that song 'God made dirt, dirt don't hurt, put it ya mouth, see if it works'

You ever...got so incredibly drunk that you and your tv had a long one on one about the state of our nation and who might potentially win the democratic vote?

You ever... get mad cause you spilled red kool aid on (insert: couch, carpet, clothing, car) and just KNEW that shyt wouldn't come out?

You ever... sat in class knowing that every word coming out your professors mouth was just the soundtrack to your daydreaming.

You ever...jump from blog to blog multiple times a day while going back to your own every so often to check to see if there is a new comment?

You ever... make up a bullshit post because you have nothing to talk about but you have a schedule to follow so you just put up whatever comes to mind? yeah... me too...lol

A blog dialogue-'The Wedding' currently in progress....

I'm done!

2008-04-18T02:32:00.004-04:00

I just got done with my last report. It will be revised and such, but the bulk of the work is over...*sigh*. I'm off to sleep for the next three hours, then up to go to work, then home for a brief regrouping... then, the joys of Happy Hour!... with friends from school and life... should be interesting

ESPECIALLY if I run into someone like him... (cause you know they pound the reggae around 1am and this song is the anthem that leads the way...lol)

Happy Friday All!! I will be visiting EVERYONE i've neglected this week and makin sure I show love this Sat...

At her finest

2008-04-16T07:17:00.002-04:00

I'm up. But I haven't gotten out of bed. Instead, I've turned the on the television and I pulled the laptop on my tummy. I'm supposed to be getting ready right now because I haven't prepared for a last minute diagnostic that I signed up for (this is the xtra work I was talking about). I'm a little bit more relaxed because the client won't be there until noon, and I'll probably get to the clinic early enough to prepare, but if I get too comfortable, I will fall back asleep. My day today? Preparation for diagnostic, then diagnostic for 2 hours, starting on the report while psychically getting something to eat. Stopping at 5 so I can create the powerpoint presentation for my research class at 6 on the 20pg report I wrote this weekend (shouldn't be too hard). Drive over to campus, listen to presentations and do one of my own, hopefully get out before 9 and start on the 45min drive home.

Can I just say that I had a dream that someone rear ended me? Well, I was in the middle of traffic, so I back up, and I backed right into the front of someone's car. A well dressed bum kept telling me she was ok and would be happy if I just cut her a check. The back of my ride was WRECKED and hers was cool... *smh*... I hope I'm not foreshadowing

Man... procrastination is SO at her finest this morning... Alright, I'm getting up and getting started. I'm already a 1/2 hour behind schedule....

Hey...

2008-04-14T00:08:00.004-04:00

I have two weeks of school left, but this is my last week of therapy/classes/working. I have a mountains worth of reports to complete, but no finals so that's awesome. Today (Sunday), I finally completed my 20pg research paper (my longest paper), that I put together using papers that I did in the past as well as from other research articles (all sited of course). I don't even know why I put any effort into it at all. I mean, it's not like the professor is gonna read it... He's one of those teachers that sits at his desk and counts the pages rather than actually reading the content. As long as you turn something in that is between 10-20pgs with about 7-20 sources, your all good. I mean, I have done so much blogging in that class, it's ridiculous…

What does it say about me that I have to ask all my female friends to do something. I know that I kind of create these lackadaisical natures within them because I am so aggressive, but after a while, I become just as lethargic about calling and making plans…and what ends up happening? Nothing. No one calls. No one asks. We don't hang out. And it's not like for one week… it can go for months. How am I not missed within that time? Some are in school and see me in the clinic from time to time, but that's not the same as hanging out or talking on the phone, or going out and having a great time. Sigh… Will I change my aggressive ways tho…? Probably not, most likely because I fear that if I do change, these women will disappear from my life and all the investments I've made will be all for naught. If I was talkin to a psychologist, I can almost hear her/him asking me if I feel this has something to do with my mother…..YES, Damn it!... *quietly* I guess it does.

Time for some 'singles ad' exposure. Things that make me the woman I am:

~I talk incessantly… but I listen just as intensely (just don't expect me to remember anything... my mind is bad...lol)

~It's amazing how I can turn a regular statement into a sexual innuendo… I hear that is due to my virginal state

~I have high expectations for myself and others

~I hate to be bored and require laughter

~I have no problems admitting when I'm wrong and appreciate the experience of being proved as such… it promotes growth

~I am defensive about my family…(Rashan has felt this wrath…lol). And sometimes it happens obscurely and I don't even realize that I'm being that way. But I kno they aren't perfect and I complain about them from time to time… just…ummm… don't you do it…lol (and no, not you Rashan… you've already learned this lesson…lol)

~I love the getting to know you process… and I want to be involved in it for hours upon hours that stretch across days for years with someone who wrinkles my brain, works my abs, and pleases my eyes

~I go to clubs to dance. I could honestly be in there alone (and have been pretty damn close) and not give a damn. As long as the music is good, I am on the floor. And I do it well, if I do say so myself...which leads me to

~I realize I am good at many things… I sing (very well), dance (very well), write (very well), provide therapy (very well).. But there is nothing that I am AMAZING at. I mean, purely amazing, where people sit in ahhh at its creation. I wonder if I'll ever do that in my lifetime. And do you know where I wanna do it if I do? In the area of motherhood….

I'm done… what are things that make you who you are?

Damn Damn Damn

2008-04-12T13:04:00.004-04:00

I have got a sea of things to do, and I'm so not ready. All I want is to lounge around my house and watch Lord of the Rings (which is currently playin in the background)...

I didn't go out last night. Instead, I hung around at a friend's house for most of the afternoon and some of the evening. She brought me to tears I laughed so hard. And she told me some things about myself that made me really look at myself in the mirror. I think she's probably one of the best people I have around me, because she is sooo honest with me and makes sure that I continue to grow as a person. It's ashame our friendship didn't blossom earlier

I want a real date. I haven't had a real date in ages... AGES.... and I want one; with a nice guy, that I may or may not be interested in romantically, but is fun to be around none the less

I think I like investing in blog relationships. You've read this person's thoughts for a good period of time and to actually get the opportunity to have discourse is really great. I wonder if in time they can truly become friendships....hmmm

I was deeply disappointed in someone this week. It hurt my heart so bad that I cried a bit. It's hard wishing growth when it just doesn't happen...

I WANNA HAVE SEX....... there I said it. Now that that is out of my system, I can comfortably fall in line in maintaining my virginity...*smh*... riiiiiight...lol

Why did I volunteer for more school work when I have too much already?... sigh- I just hate passing up learning opportunities, but DAMN.... It always happens to me. I get exciting about the new learning opportunity, but get tormented by the work I've just added to my regimen.... *deep breath in, deep breath out*... I can handle it... and I know it's good for me...

Man- and I started this post with nothin to say...lol

Wo.man Like Me

2008-04-10T16:17:00.005-04:00

So I was going through some of my regular blogs and I came across this song on one of the play lists that automatically starts when you get to the page that I've not been a huge fan of (except for a few sites that keep it HOT...lol).. Anyway.. I wanna say thanks hadassah because when I heard this song, I could not stop listening to it. And when I say not stop listening to it, I mean, I put it on my mp3 immediately and had it on repeat when I was in the yard working, had it on my laptop when continuing to blog, made a cd just so that I could have it when I get in my car. There is something about real instrument work that makes me groove so hard that I loose myself. But it wasn't just that. It was the words that made me listen real intensly. I mean, I really related and honestly, I have not identified with a song about my current mental state of womanhood so fiercely in recent years. And go figure... it comes from the movie P.ink P.anther... Lemme break it down...my comments are in red)

The Lyr.ics

[VERSE 1:]

Do you think

You could fall for a woman like me

(that's always a qestion I have)

Cause I find it hard to trust

(omgosh if this aint the truth, I don't know what is)

I need too much

(I've always felt like someone that might expect a great deal; especially within the initial pursuit~ the lacksidasical nature of a man really makes me think that I may need too much sometimes...)

And I really don't believe in love, no no

(I do believe in love, but I'm still questioning it's possibility for me...sometimes...I go back and forth with it)

Do you think

That I could be the girl of your dreams

(cause God knows I wanna be)

Sometimes I don't let things go

(But I do my best to talk myself rationally through it)

Get emotional

(well I am a woman... what do you expect...lol)

And sometimes

I'm just out of control

(ummmm, no comment...lol)

[CHORUS:]

You need to stop for a minute

Before you get too, deep up in it(Too deep)

(yeh... cause I may not be where you are emotionally since I have been known to be guarded)

'Cause everything ain't what it seems

(my flirtatious nature may be perceived wrong)

It's hard loving a woman

A woman like me(Woman like me)

(i'll wait for someone to actually be in love with me before i co-sign on this line)

You need to think about it

(yes... please think. i don't like those that kinda back into it relationships... e.g. chillin every so often, starting to get physical, then next thing you know, someones callin someone else a significant other... as sooo many relationships do these days it seems like)

Before you get hooked on the venom

(haha, yeah... i can be poisonous i guess)

And can't live without it(No no)

(addiction... might be nice)

Can't believe everything you see

It's hard loving a woman

A woman like me

[VERSE 2:]

Do you think

That I could be the one that you seek

(ya'll see that line ^^^^= that YOU seek... umhmmm, men need to think on that...lol)

'Cause baby I'm one step ahead

You're two steps behind

But baby I don't mind

(i definately think waaaaay ahead when dealing with people... the projection of where our interaction can possibly go. I may not discuss it, but I definately think on it)

Do you think

That I can make you real happy baby

(because I could...*smiles*)

Just don't get me wrong

My loving is so strong

(mmmhmmm, because it's potent... hasn't been diluted with other interactions...lol)

But I ain't tryna lead you on

[CHORUS:]

Would You Rather?

2008-04-08T00:33:00.000-04:00

This weekend, I found myself hanging out with some friends by U,C,F (which is across town for me). I try not to make it a habit to go there when I don't have class or therapy, but after moving with the brudder and sis in law on sat (can I just admit that I was about 2 hrs late for that...damn sat afternoon naps...lol), i got a call from one of my good friend's in the speech program who wanted to do a night of board games. I was down, and despite the weather, I drove my newly repaired honey 45min to the east side (avoiding an idiotic driver who stopped short, FU--ER!... bringin it in cause that is very un-Christ-like...). Anyway... we were sitting around waiting for her roommates friends to show up, talking and laughing, and just decided to play a simple game that didn't require too many people (since her roommates people were MIA). And what's the best game to play when you are interested in the mentality of the people around you? That's right folks- Woul.d Y.ou R.ather was in full affect. But me being me got real bored with the questions and decided to adjust the type of questions. Thus the game evolved in Naughty Woul.d Y.ou R.ather.... and because some of these questions were hilarious and thought provoking... I decided to transfer the questions here and see who is bold enough to answer these questions honestly.... So who's up for it? Alright... Here are the questions:

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

get oral sex from an incredibly unattractive person who becomes clingy, or sex with someone who is breathe taking with a small penis/ wide open pussy who cannot provide oral?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

have sex on a bed of nails or hot coals?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

be considered a whore or a prude?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
suck a homeless person's toes or provide oral sex?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

have sex in front of your parents or only have access to giving and getting oral for the next 5yrs?
Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

be naked on tv for all the world to see, or be naked in class/at work?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

have non harmful constant genital itching (non curable) or puss exuding facial blisters?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

pee on your partner during sex, or fart loudly in a room of attractive people?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

have sex with an inanimate object for life, or sex with a mentally retarded person for life?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...

be confined in a room with every enjoyable electronic device known to man (including the Internet) but never have any person to person contact, or confined with your best friend (or lover) for the rest of your life?

Think on that...lol

*anxiously awaiting the responses*

A fictional tale (pt. 3)

2008-04-06T10:48:00.000-04:00

I leaned forward and placed the almost empty glass down on the table and lifted his untouched glass bringing it to rest on my lap. Unexpectedly, he stood and began this pacing that I guess had become his new method of thought processing. I listened as he rambled going back and forth from one end of the expansive living room to the other, taking brief moments to stop and look at me.

'I know that there is no real reason why I should be here. I promised you space, but I needed to see you. But I know that you are going to tell me that if I loved you then I would have sacrificed my own selfish needs and given you what you wanted, but I just…,' a sigh. It escaped from him so powerfully, the hair on my posterior neck was tousled by its strength. He walked over to me then. His scent, a mixture of aftershave and signature cologne (Black), wafted through my nostrils into the memory centers of my brain triggering a sea of unbridled images and moments filled with laughter and tears, hatred and love, sex and conversation. Thoughts that I'd meticulously folded neatly and packed away in storage, never to be touched again.

He gently took the glass from me hands taking a sip before putting it behind him. Placing his large hands on my bended knees, he tried to capture my eyes, but I refused, choosing to linger longer on my now intertwined fingers. He raised a single finger to meet the base of my chin and lifted, heat rising to my face knowing that he would see. And he did. The tears had begun their descent down my face, one lone soldier after the other in a silent march of solace and pain. He brought his hands up to cradle my face, doing all that he could to erase their trail. A futile attempt. Smoothly, I brought my hands to my own face and began wiping the tears, breaking his embrace.

'I want you to leave.' The words came almost inaudibly, and if I had not said them myself, I would have doubted their existence. His presence imprisoned me in a state of upsetednessocity and I was desperate to find the key, frantically in need to find fresh air.

'No you don't.' My eyes met his and the certainty of his statement discovered the legless stance in which his beliefs stood.

'Ok, maybe you do…. But I have to know. Do you still love me? Can we work thru this? I'm drowning over here and I just need to know if we can'

My furrowed brow held in check my angered outburst that was soon to erupt. HOW can you ask me this now?! NOW when I am no where near ready?! Don't you KNOW what I've been through?! NO, you don't! Because you weren't here! Because you couldn't bare to be with me?! I can't do this and I do wish you would get out. NOW! My mind stood on table tops shouting at the top of its nerves, atoms clenched, dendrites diggin into the palms of lobes, but I sat silent. I didn't respond, I just sat. And he waited, unmovable because he was drinking me in not knowing when he would have this opportunity again.

'Please… I don't want to go without knowing,' He quietly implored. I had to move. The proximity was too much and I was overdosing on the feel of his hands on me. I pushed his hands away from my knees and unfolded my legs, forcing his retreat from his lowered position in front of me. As I got up, he stood as well and brought himself dangerously close to me; however keeping his hands by his side, rather than scooping me up in his embrace. I looked up into his deep set windows of soundless glass, placing one small hand against his cheek.

'I have nothing to say to you.' And with that, I swiftly turned to walk toward the door. My movement was halted by his hands as they broke rank and enveloped my waist in one effortless motion pulling me to him. Chest against back, he buried his tear streaked face in the nook where my shoulder blade met my neck. I wrapped his embrace with one of my own and it was within that moment that the sobs finally came. For so long, I had lamented my loss and exiled my instinctual emotion because it was too much to bare. But within the bends of his arms, the reaction attacked my soul and I felt every inch of my loss. Our loss. Our baby.

We're moving!!!

2008-04-05T10:20:00.010-04:00

This completely throws me off my regular every other day posting... but I'm still gonna post tomorrow, so it's all good....lol (Do I appear anal?...Maybe a little....? Yeah....lol). Whatever, no one really blogs on the weekend anyway...lol

Sooooo, my Brudder and the wife are moving today (YIPPEE!). Why am I so happy?? Because they are moving within 5min of my current residential local (my parents house). It'll be great to be so close to him and I'm really happy... but this does affect what I think for my future, in terms of where I live. I love my family and I love to be close to them and to know that they are all gonna be here (even tho I don't really think I want to stay in Orlando forever), gives me another reason to want to raise a family here. I guess I'll just take this one day at a time?... Yeh... that's what I'll do...(like I have much of a choice).

Also... Did ya'll see the Oprah interview of the pregnant man? It was....ummmm...different?

3 more weeks left for classes!!!! 2 more weeks of therapy!!! Which means cramming and report writing out the AZZ!!

One of my friends told me that he is interested in changing the dynamics and moving into a romantic relationship. Made me think of Diva's post cause that is exactly how this situation is. I know that we wouldn't work. He's just too.....deep...lol. He's physically on point (6'4", works out daily, strong bone structure, mahogany skin...mmmmm), but he's always being philosophical and thought provoking... and sometimes, I just want to be silly and light. I don't know...:sigh:

Should I utterz part 3?

My high school crush is sending me letters... he's in the military... I haven't closed the door on that situation, but it's not a possibility (he has a young tenderoni...lol). The only thing, his letters confuse me sometimes... *smh*. If only he wasn't so gorgeous...

I'll just try not to get (romantically) emotionally involved; otherwise, I have the feeling that I'm gonna get hurt~ regardless of what his letters hint...
Have a happy Saturday!!

A fictional tale (pt. 2)

2008-04-04T01:14:00.008-04:00

He walked into the living room and took in the foreign view of prestine floors and everything just so item placement.

'Wow. This place looks great. Definitely a change from when I took up every corner of this room with my clutter' a lopsided grin formulating on those smooth perfect lips whose touch had not been forgotten by my skin nerves that tingled at the sight of them. I didn't respond and headed back towards the kitchen to continue in my after work ritual. I felt his eyes follow, but he remained lodged in the comfort of the room he'd spent most of his time in. I walked over to the cupboard that hovered just above the island and pulled out a glass with the weary hand that had been taken too far and was now shaking. Placing it next to the milk, I stood staring at nothing in particular. Quickly I regrouped and decided to replace the milk thinkin not strong enough. I took the Armadale out of the freezer and began pouring with little intention of stopping. The other hand, still clutching the cookies, quickly traveled to my mouth and I popped in one delectable chocolate addiction. I closed my eyes and held it there for softening and savoring of the calming properties that this snack seemed to have. I chewed slowly while opening my eyes seeing that the glass was about to overflow.

'Shit,' I mumbled putting the bottle down heavily.

'Is everything ok?' filtered in from the other room.

Again, I did not respond to him and debated on chugging the entire glass. I need to get it together. I took out another glass and poured half of the contents of the initial glass into the second. I grabbed some ice and dropped them in the clear liquid, took a sip from both glasses followed by a deep breath, and walked back into the living room. I paused for a moment taking in the picture I had before me. He, sitting on the single seat that sat adjacent to the matching plush beige couch, was staring at the kitchen door that I now stood in front of. He was sitting forward, elbows on knees while his hands came together underneath his chin. I could see his jaw clenching repeatedly, a habit that I'd jokingly told him would ruined his enamel, cause him to get dentures, and lose his kissing privileges. I bit back the habit and just walked toward him enduring his unfaltering gaze. My heart, still not fully repaired from our last encounter, fluttered painfully as I offered him the glass. He took it without questioning its content and placed it soundly on the stainless steel framed glass coffee table without drinking. I sat on the couch in the portion closest to him, bringing up my pinstripe slack covered legs into the indian style seating that I was infamous for. I took a deep slow sip, grasping the glass with one shaky hand and one cookie clenching hand to keep it steady. I looked straight ahead at the unlit fire place that no longer had photos adorning the mantle as I felt his eyes bore into me aggressively. He initiates

'How are you?' looking at me.

'Fine,' me looking at the wall.

'How's work going?' still looking at me.

'Good,' me looking down into my glass.

'Ummm, well, I guess you're finally living the way you wanted. Everything is in its place,' finally looking at something that is not me, as he glances around the room.

Silence. I slip my last Or.eo into my mouth and I caught his face soften at the sight of me indulging in my daily quotidian cookie intake.

'God I miss you.'

I closed my eyes to steal them against the tears that were fighting their way to the brim of my lower lid. One escaped, screaming at the sensation of free falling into my glass finally being muted by the union of salted water and alcoholic destruction. Still maintaining closed eyes, I brought the glass to my lips and took another deep swallow, almost emptying the glass. The lingering chocolate flavor attached itself to the newly flowing liquid and accompanied its descend down my throat causing heat from their electric connection. A description that I held for he and I as well.

'Baby…,' softly

'Baby… say something,' softer still

I'm not ready to see you, talk to you, be around you! Not yet… My mind was shouting, but my words whispered from me, 'Why did you come here?'

'Because you are all that I've been thinking of for the last 3 months since I left here. I pace like a fucking caged animal reliving those moments over and over again instead of sleeping at night. I can't even work. I took time off from the paper and told them I was doing some independent projects. The only time I've left my apartment is to get groceries, and come here to debate whether or not to knock. Today I finally did.'

I look at him then with naked eyes and he buckles at the strength of my glare that glistens with unshed tears. He looks away from me, burying his face inside his hands. Those hands that had brung me to climax through their craft of photography; that had cradled me gently as I eased off to sleep; that had cook, pretended to clean, and rub the aches of my day away. Those hands had once been what Or.eos had now become....my comfort.

A fictional tale

2008-04-02T21:24:00.005-04:00

I closed the door behind me, shutting out my day. I dropped my bag, stepped out of my 3 inch red Manolo blahnik's right there were I stood while pulling out the pin that collected my hair at the base of my neck. I ran one tired hand through the tressles while the other began unbuttoning the pin stripped blazer that confined my upper anatomy. Turning I faced my empty apartment, quiet and unchanged since I left 10 hours ago for work. I took one hosiered step and slide just a little across the mahogany colored hardwood which brings a small reactive smile to my lips. A foreign position for my face to take these days. Leaving my crumpled jacket atop my bag I walk towards the kitchen for my customary Or.eo fix. The immaculate living room beckons my company for a spell, but I cannot be deterred from my destination. My overworked hand lightly pushes the wood encased swing glass door and it yields to the invasion offering an opening for my entry. There I see my house phone screaming in her illuminating fashion that I was missed. I ignore her noise and walk straight to where my emotional salvation lies. I open the cupboard, reach in to find the box of 'america's favorite cookies'. My fingers finally grasp the illusive pleasure and I lift, finding that her frame was lighter than when we last had an encounter. Dangerously so. I need to make a stop at the store tomorrow before I run out the only allowable thought that surfaces to my conscience mind since I walked into this space. This space that used to be shared by he and I....I pull back the top cover that encases my greatest comfort and I see that thankfully, I have the two that are required to provide me a sense of peace. I remove them from their cradled existence and place them delicately in my weary hands as I toss the casing into the trash. I walk over to the stainless steel refrigerator and yank harder than I intended. The door over extends and causes a sharp reaction from my shoulder. Unapologetic, the door swings back to a comfortable stance and ignores any thumps from my anatomy. I swoop down just a bit and take in the contents. Half a gallon of orange juice, left over chinese that was probably too old to be in there, sweet tea from the local grocery store, and la piece de resistance- a tall gallon of milk. As I'm about to reach in, I hear a knock at the door. Furrowed brow, I stop and listen. Nothing. Shaking my head, I reach in grabbing the milk and just as I place it on the center island, I hear the knock again. Who in da...I look down at the message alert and wonder if mystery guest had been the person who had disturbed the peace of my usually quiet answering machine. I maintained the furrowed brow while walking back through the elements of my newly acquired solitude, my apartment. I pull the door open, and caught a vision that I had been trying to forget since it last crossed this threshold.

'Can we talk?' Oh that voice. I had tried to forget it, but the bumps and grooves of it's vibration left predictable messages on my spine, and i felt it settle itself there like always.

'What's left to say?' His eyes were the only elements of his stoic face to carry a reaction. Flames of frustration smoked into billowing clouds of sadness and regret. He did not move from where he stood and he waited. I dropped my hand from the door and took one step back into my place of solitude, serenity, and safety. He paused slightly before walking across the line which separated his current with his past, but committed to the motion and planted his foot firmly into what he had once known as life. And as his step brought him closer to me, his eyes contacted mine and it was in that moment that I was transported to all the reasons why I loved this man so damn much.... as well as to all the reason why he hurt me in just the same way....

A blog dialogue-Reconvene...continued

2008-03-31T17:44:00.005-04:00

The night started like this.... and as it continues...

The room shifts to people talking amongst themselves, while waiting for me and Adonis to return.

One Man is showing pictures of his nephew (<---incredibly cute!!) to Diva while Jinta talks a little about his most recent post regarding scent marking with Niga, Zephi, and Charles. This brings up a debate over Facebook and rumors. Eavesdropping from across the room Stace calls out, ‘I can't go on facebook anymore!!!!! You know why?!!? EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I GO ON, I find out someone just got engagaed!!!!!!! FAVORITE EX proposed to his GF of 2+ years!!!! IN FUCKING PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘Are you sure they're engaged?’ Charles asks.

‘Of course. It’s plastered all over their page.’ Stace giving the side eye.

‘It’s just cause some people try to become weak ass detectives and they get it all wrong, and I’ve been a victim of that shit one too many,’ he says.

‘Well, that aint me. I don’t assume. I do detailed research and make sure that I’m on point with mine.’

Me and Adonis walk in at this point. He’s still not in the best of moods, but after talking out some of his frustration with me, he’s ready to return and listen to what people have to say.

‘Sorry guys. I’m just having a fucked up week. I wanna know the complaints though, just in case I do something,’ Adonis says to the group.

Diva speaks up from were she sits, ‘Well you definitely reminded me of one thing I have an issue with, but it’s definitely not just you. Ya’ll need to kill the automatic music player switch. It scares the hell out of me to start reading someone's post and then music starts blasting...particularly when I can’t find the music player to shut it off.'

‘Ay, I concur on that point.’ Rashan adds

‘It doesn’t really bother me too much if you have good stuff on there… I know that Charles, 1/3, and Deja be havin me bobbin my head every time I pass through,’ Roxy pipes in. I look over at her.

‘When did you get here? And you very rarely comment… look at you... gettin involved. a step up homie. A.step.up. Now if only you would post more regularly... Can I add that to the complaint list?,’ laughing as she slightly pushes me in the back. I look back at her and she just gives me the face, shrugs, and goes back to devouring her bowl of whip cream and honey while listening to everyone comment.

Diva gives me the side eye for interrupting, and then continues with her address to the room about her complaints...

'Also, and I don’t think anyone’s lyin in here, but we need to require each post to pass a Blogolygraph test. After my recent perusing of the blogosphere, I just have a few concerns about the validity of some of these posts. And since it was brought of last session, I think that maybe it just might be an issue for all of us.’

‘Can that be added to find out blog crushes too?’ 1/3 asks

‘Do you really need a test to tell you who has a blog crush on you? Just asking usually works. I don’t think it’s all that serious,’ Rashan points out.

1/3 shrugs and Charles whispers something to her which makes her laugh softly.

‘Ummmm hummm, looks like blog crushes are upgrading,’ I remark, looking in their direction as well as glancing over at i.can’t and Karrie B. who upgraded from heavy verbal flirting to genuine caresses.

‘Well that’s what happens when you get attractive minds in one place,’ Jinta expresses as he looks up at me and playfully hits me behind my knee.

‘It can’t only be an attractive mind… body’s need to be right as well,’ explains Soumy smiling at Eb’s frame.

‘Well, I know the body that has peaked my interest is definitely in the shape I appreciate,’ Rashan mumbles.

‘What was that Rashan?’ Jameil inquires loud enough for the room to turn to him.

‘Umm, I was just say that part of my interest in these meetings is shaping up my blog, so can we get back on topic please…,’ he replies none too smoothly.

‘Uh, huh… riiiiight.' shakin her head at him.

‘Well, I’ve gotta couple things that irritate me. I wanna add that I dislike when bloggers comment when it’s obvious that they didn’t read it, or only pick one sentence to respond to out of the entire thing, or simply co-sign on another bloggers comment. I can see right through that shit. Don’t even bother commenting if that’s all you got,’ Don states.

‘Especially you anonymous commenters. Go ‘head and keep that shit to yourself,’ Karrie B innerates.

‘I actually like anonymous comments. freaky shit, outrageous questions, revealing confessions, concocted murder plots, and anything else that feels safe in the cloak of anonymity. I wanna know it all,’ Deja counters to Karrie B who mumbles

‘Those are definitely not the anonymous comments I get,’ causing laughter to erupt from those sitting closest to her.

‘Well, I haven’t been blogging for that long, so I really don’t have that much to add when it comes to blog complaints; but I will say that I don’t like when new bloggers come and comment on my post, givin me heat about the title or the post they read. Who are you and why are you giving me grief?

Also, when you comment on a post that is more that a couple days old, who are you doing that for? I’m not gonna read it. Soooo, yeah, don’t do that.’ I added as Adonis leans against me and Jinta furrows his brow.

‘Does anyone else have anything to add?’ Rashan looks around the room and everyone looks at one another but not a word is added.

‘Does that mean we're done... cause I have some handcuffs and a belt to pick up before heading to my final destination of sex filled fun.’ Lea stands, but before she moves towards the door, an unidentifiable figure moves from the back of the room and leaves without saying a word.

‘Who the hell was that?’ Zephi asks.

‘Damn lurkers,’ Rashan answers shaking his head.

A blog dialogue- Reconvene

2008-03-30T02:25:00.008-04:00

‘I really don’t wanna be here right now,’ Charles looking a little peaked whispers to me.

‘Well, I have some of those AAA batteries (aka flu pills for those of you who don’t read his blog…lol) if you need something.’

‘Nawww. 1/3 is bringing me something when she gets here. That’s the only reason why I haven’t left.’

‘For the medicine, or for the sight of 1/3?’ laughing ‘Don’t respond to that… you know how nosy I am…’

As the last few bloggers trickle in, Rashan gets up and walks over to the unlit fireplace quieting everyone down.

‘Hey ya’ll. Thanks for coming this week. I know these meetings can be annoying, but that’s the only way that we can get shit off of our chest.’

‘Or out of their closets,’ James glancing at me with a soft smile.

‘Where some things should never leave,’ Don pipes as he shakes his head regarding last meetings drama over he and Eb.

Rolling her eyes, Eb looks at Rashan, ‘So will you be getting something off your chest this evening?’

Snickering, Stace leans over and whispers to Jameil, ‘That is so not the question to ask’

‘What does that mean?’ Britt, over hearing their comment.

‘It just means that because Rashan has been posting for, oh I don’t know, 30 years, he probably has an incredibly laundry list of things that get on his nerves about the blog world and I don’t have that kind of time.’ Jameil offers.

Giving The Smirk to Jameil for her side bar commentary, Rashan says ‘Look, I’ve been blogging for a while now, and there are just a few things that are getting on my nerves and I figured tonight’s meeting would be a good time to get it off my chest.’

Before he can begin, Eb inputs, ‘Well, can I just say that I get annoyed with you guys? Ya’ll all claim to be smart, cultured, suave, debonair, love the music that we do, write eloquently, and open up to us in a way that they would never open up to some of your significant others. But I don’t think that is a true representative of you as a whole. I think I’m only getting one side.’

‘That’s not me,’ James innerates.

‘That’s because you don’t talk about yourself at all on your posts,’ I counter.

‘I mean, I write about things that I think about and relate to my life. What’s wrong with that?’ James being a little defensive.

‘Nothing!’ One Man supporting James in his stance to not talk about his personal.

Diva says, ‘I don't expect anyone to write all their dirt on a blog, but com’mon, can I get a little info?’

'I coulda sworn we already addressed this last week,' One Man pointing out.

‘Well let's just air it all out. What exactly do you want to know?’ Don inquires looking around the room.

‘I wanna know why we are digressing when I got some shit to express before I got interrupted,’ Rashan interjects.

‘Well, say what you gotta say bighead,’ Diva chuckling at Rashan’s pouting.

‘I just don’t think some of you realize that I have site meter… which means I can see you... when you come to my site (regularly), but don't comment, I’m annoyed.’ And he goes to sit next to Jameil and Stace as everyone in the room nods thinking that gets on my nerves too.

‘That’s it? I came here just for that. Oh somebody better say something good up in here. My dick breath is wearing off and I need a refresher session; unless someone in here has the juice that I’m looking for,’ Lea states as she glances over at Journ. He smiles and mouths later. She responds with a mouthed tease and he laughs and shrugs.

‘I can’t really say I have anything to complain about. I read somewhere that blogging was therapy of the sort. I believe so too. Once upon a time I would have scrambled to my phone and called someone I knew never had my best interest at heart to spill my soul just to be rejected. Just to reconfirm the notion that once again no one cares about me. Then I get on here. See I'm not alone. My outlet...’ 1/3 states to the group, and some head nod in agreement.

Jameil responds plaintively, ‘That’s so sweet….. But I don’t agree. There is so much to be irritated about in this little community of ours. Par example: Get some etiquette. Learn the rules. Repeat after me. Do not’

Group, ‘Do not’

Jameil, ‘EVER!’

Group, ‘EVER!’

Jameil, ‘come to someone else's blog’

Group, ‘come to someone else's blog’

Jameil ‘to publicize your own’

Group, ‘to publicize your own’

Jameil concludes, ‘Class dismissed.’

Rashan adds sarcastically, ‘But what if I have a post that I really want someone to read?’

Jameil giving him the side eye, quiets him with a very very very soft j ‘jerk.’

KB leaves the comfort of her seat with i.can’t.complain and walks over to the fireplace. She waits and makes sure that all eyes are on her before saying

‘THAT F*CKING WORD VERIFICATION SOME OF YOU STILL HAVE WHEN I GO TO MAKE A COMMENT GETS ON MY LAST NERVE. ARGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.’ with a small curtsy she goes back to sit down.

‘Tell me how you really feel,’ I shake my head laughing at the loud voice that came from such a little body.

‘I get annoyed when women expect you to read their minds.’ Soumy adds.

‘Where the hell did that come from, and what does that have to do with blogging?’ Deja asks.

‘Man- I’m just blogging out loud right now. I didn’t have my customary sex with hot coffee and syrup this morning. Cause you know I’m all about those soft kisses so sweet - I taste the warmth and wetness - I feel the heat - everytime our lips meet EVERY morning, and today just wasn’t that day for me.'

Eb rubs his back and offers a gentle kiss for her blog husband.

‘Don’t do that unless you want your clothes off in 30secs flat,’ Soumy says flirtatiously

Meanwhile, Adonis has been sitting with a peculiar look on his face. As Soumy and Eb lighty banter, he gets up and stands at the fireplace.

‘I think I wanna be done with blogging. I mean, damn, do you really care about an 18-year-old kid who still lives with his family, feels trapped, subconsciously holds himself back from the new experiences that he says he wants so badly in life, smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, feels pressured to make a monogamous relationship work, can't make a monogamous relationship work because he's so fucked up in the head that he either takes it too fast or doesn't let the girl know when she's taking it too fast, wants so much more in life to the point that he's gained a slight addiction to playing the lottery weekly, ostracises himself from his friends so that he can get it all together and feels like he's 38 all the while doing it? Sorta...? kinda...? Didn't think so.’

His rant raises a few eyebrows, but no one makes a sound. He walks across the living room, climbing over Jinta and Niga who look stunned and proceeds to storm out. I get up and rush after him.

And this, my friends, is why I don’t write about myself,’ James jokingly adds.

Do it!

2008-03-27T17:47:00.010-04:00

'We don't have to have sex' mumbled between kisses as hands wander up and down my upper frame.

'Stop, stop, stop, stop' my hand pushes him away trying to collect myself but not really being successful at it.

'I just wanna make you cum baby. Just let me do that for you.'

That's when I become completely sobered and I stop this scenario that I have been in time and time again for as long as I have been kissing boys alone in their apartment/dorm/car.

All of my friends (and when I say all, I mean ALL) have said to me at one point or another that I should just let them. To date, I have never been completely naked in front of another human being. I recall one incident where my panties were off (while shirt was still on), but it lasted a whole 1min, thus being dismissed as a figment of my imagination rather than a situation of carnal pleasure. Honestly, it was uncomfortable and I didn't get anything out of it; thus fortifying my resolve that no man can bring me pleasure like I can do for myself.

But almost EVERY man that I have entertained or been truly interested in since 18 has harped on their abilities to make me cum. It becomes, almost, an obsession. 'Let me prove it to you. Take 'em off now and I'll work it out. I don't even need anything in return. I just want to give you the experience of your lifetime.' Really? Do you? Wow... such a proposal. What a fool I am to resist such a proposition.

You know what I have NEVER heard. 'I want to make you happier than any man has ever done before. I want to treat you like the wonderful, educated, sweet, Haitian American woman that you are. I wanna be your man.' Most guys don't believe me when I say that. I always point out 'what have you offered me...? That's right... sex only...So how you gonna tell me you don't believe me.'

It's hard. DAMN hard. I had to fight tooth and nail to build the self esteem that I managed to scrap up during middle and high school despite being the only person who didn't have a boyfriend for the ENTIRE 7 years from Pied.mont Mid.dle thru graduation from We.st Or.ange High. Then college hit, and I felt like I had missed the memo. Wha...? I'm suppose to go to your house? I'm suppose to call you? I'm suppose to ask you out? Really? This is the main reason why I have so many friends that I've kissed, or cuddled with. I went in and took what I was missin in my life... but then when they pushed for sex without the relationship, I bucked and lightened the interaction to 'homie' status (removal of cuddle/kissing privileges now). I couldn't do the sex then relationship pattern that everyone seemed to be following. It almost felt like people were backing into relationships rather than taking the time to really get to know the person. And there were so many aggressive girls that I just fell into the backdrop. Most times... the girls didn't even get the relationship and I would hear my male friends speak so poorly of said female of the hour, which further assisted in my resolve to never drop trou without trustin the guy wholeheartedly. Eventually, guys who fell off rather than maintain my friendship would cross my path a few months later (as I became stronger in my womanhood, thus dressin better and walking more confident) and would throw out those tired lines: 'Why don't you call me? Why don't you come over no more? I've been thinkin about you. I miss you' You really miss me? *looking down at my phone* How would I know that? You don't show that you miss me. You just got words. I'm suppose to be moved by that? Really? *throwing up the dueces and makin sure the rocks felt my stomp as.i.walk.away.*

I'm thinking, when I get outta college, it'll get better. Well, I was met by a hard truth. No it's not. Men are just as passive in the corporate world as they are in college. Most date white women (at least from what I see). The rest expecting me to call incessantly. Don't get it twisted, I don't mind calling, or checkin in... but do I really have to be the one who does it all the time?? I've mastered the art of picking up men that I find appealing. And what do I do? I make the first move. I call... I don't mind doing that, cause I made the pursuit. I saw you, I wanted you, I'll pursue. And I did that for awhile. But more recently, no one has really made me want to move, so I've been on the receiving end of the pursuit. I'm not met with the same style. I'm pursued via text message... with light convo and no inquisition as to when he and I might possibly link up. Until Friday rolls around. Then text: 'you gonna be at ant.i.gua, cause I'm tryna see your pretty face.' I don't usually reply.

If we get past all this, and we actually get to a place where I do end up getting to know him as a person and he gets to know me as a person; that is when that trusty line makes it's appearance: 'I just wanna make you cum.'

That's it?!? 'Well, I don't know if I'm ready to be committed' or 'I'm not at a place where I want a lady' or 'I'm just not sure about you and me on that locked down level'... but you wanna make me cum KNOWING that I've never, and understanding that it could quite possibly deepen my emotional tie to you. *nodding head* Ok.. can I just say I have a confused face on right now. I DON'T GET IT.

I understand the whole ego thing; a man makin a woman twist up over what he is doing or did do or could've done or might've done boosts any man's mental and sometimes even gets him off depending on the situation. But is that ALL you want from me? Is that all you want to offer me? And how much do you respect me to believe that that is all I deserve? How can you allow your mouth to slide into the position to even utter such a weak proposition when looking at me and knowing how I am?

A blow to my self esteem. I'm not gonna lie. It is. Because I KEEP getting it. And as my friends laugh and tell me to 'Do it'... I'm softly crying because I don't want that to be all I'm worth. An ego stroke. You pleasured the virgin and may eventually want something more.... maybe... depending... whatever.

*sigh*.....

Memories

2008-03-25T19:35:00.014-04:00

Guess who got her car back yesterday??? *BIG HUGE SMILE*

After a month of dealing with this bullshit... I finally got her back and she was such a site for sore eyes... I was so happy to get her back that I drove around for awhile rather than taking her straight home (which I would usually mind due to gas prices, but I got a gas voucher from the dealership to fill my tank so I was chillin). I also got a free oil change. It didn't make up for the fact that they steadily told me my car would be ready when and never was, but it definitely helped...

Moving on... I was working with my 3yr old client today (who actually showed some serious improvement today... FINALLY, the fruits of this tedious labor) when I began thinkin about my own childhood. I started thinking about the things that made it great and why I miss it sometimes... So in true Steve Harvey Morning Show fashion... I've created the

Top 10 Reasons Why I Miss My Youth:

Number 10!I didn't have to worry about a thing back that. I was fed when I was hungry. I took at nap when I was sleepy. I was always dressed in the flyest gear back that (at least to me). And to top it all off, I had that secret language that only my peers knew about. :Sigh:

Number 9!

I cannot get down like this anymore in school. I mean, I have been known to sleep or eat in class, but we don't actually take a break from lecture to truly appreciate a good nap time or snack time. Instead I have to stuff my face whenever I can; and be abruptly woken up when I am sleeping because I was suppose to be paying attention. Man, whatever. If we had a nap time, my sleeping would be a none issue...lol

Number 8! No one could tell me anything when this show was on because all they would get: a 30 sec to one minute delay promptly followed by 'huh?' I was so incredibly engrossed in this show and whatever book he was recommending for the day/week. To this day, I can still sing the theme song without missin a note... *thinking of that being the first utterz post.....naaaaaahhhh..lol*

Number 7!I still remember waiting for my dad in front of Mollie Ray Elementary School (bad ass school..lol) playing pattycake, or whatever hand game was popular at the time with Kesha. (I tried to post two little black girls, but for some reason it wouldn't upload... I think blogger gotta thing against brown people uploads...haha)

Number 6!I actually don't know too many black Americans that played in the rain... but I knew sooooo many haitians and jamaicans that did it when I lived in Miami. We would be outside playing when the weather would suddenly change (cause you know that sunshine state theory is just that...a theory), but none of us would go inside. We would just keep playing and specifically look for puddles to jump in. That always resulted in a lecture/spanking, but whatever... It was worth it.

Number 5!I begged for months for one of these. My dad very rarely bought anything sweet; and he almost NEVER bought candy. Mostly, I didn't care cause I wasn't used to having it, so whatever. But to add the candy element to the jewelry element was too much for me. I even cried... Of course, I was met with a swift smack, and I didn't get it that day, but eventually, I got the pleasure of the ring pop. And what I found out? It wasn't all that amazing... my finger got all sticky and that plastic protector got on my nerves....lol.

Number 4!

The BEST part of my day... RECESS!!!!! I would look at that clock waiting for the moment when the long hand would hit the 1 and the short hand would hit the 3. The bell would ring and a sea my peers would be flying at top speed to hit the swings. Nothing felt like the swings and I'll be damned if I could not stay on that sucker for the entire recess. Of course that was not allowed... we had to take turns... but I did my best to get at least 2 turns during one recess session. It also protected me from the 'hunchin' that was goin... horny children...lol

Number 3!

:Sigh: I don't even know why they make scary movies anymore. Nothing does it to me like Freddy. I mean, I had nightmares for more than half of my life... and '1 2 freddy's comin for you, 3 4 better shut the door...' has yet to leave my mental. I FREAKED OUT when seeing this movie and there has been nothing to date that has reached this level (even tho Chuckie came close...)

Number 2

'Get mad! Get mad!' My brother's words still ring in my ears... He felt that when I got mad, that's when I ran the fastest. That's what we did when we played outside, now that I come to think of it: Compete. We would race, play basketball, football, and tag. My brother always wanted me to be the best. In his opinion, I should have been a track star, but I had little to no passion for running (even tho I did beat all the boys on the block). Man, I still have scars on my knees from all those antics...

And the Number 1 Reason why I miss my childhood

Drumroll Please................

Everyone and their cousin should know about this video. It is the quintessential video representation of how a child feels when the ice cream truck comes around. That feeling... has no words....

A letter...

2008-03-23T20:10:00.002-04:00

Hey you. Thanks for stoppin by. I wanted to talk to you about something. I've been feelin lonely these days. I know I know, I shouldn't…. but I do. I've got some really great friends, and damn if I don't feel great every single morning, kissing the Most High the whole while cause He uplifts me. But knowing that He is beside me, and I smile because he's always beside me, I do feel alone sometimes. I know it's stupid. I shouldn't right…? But I do. Except when you come to visit. I know I've never said anything about it before, but yeah… you've definitely had an effect on my every day. You never say much, but when you do, it always brings a smile to my face, laugh to my abs, deep thought to my brain, and excitement to my stomach. How do you do that?

And when I do want to shut out the world (not answering phones, not going to school or work, and not turning on the television), I don't mind your company, which is not usually the case. You sit there so attentively as I vent about my life or the lack there of and you offer me balance and keep me in tuned with myself. I sometimes hate that you point things out that I never noticed in my little existence, but I know you just do it because you're about keeping it on ground level with me, one of your best qualities I might add.

You know how much I hate leaving my house, but I never have an issue when going to your place. Man, I have so much fun there. In that space, you open up to me and share all kinds of things… I mean you really take the time to give a little of yourself, and I don't think I've ever told you how much that means to me. Your stimulation always transcends as the vibrations of your words affect my brain waves. When I'm there I sometimes wonder, how did I get the privilege to be in the presence of such humor, wisdom, sexiness, and beauty. You actually make me want to drop my phobic tendencies and commit. Wow, even saying that takes me aback…

Yeah… I'm gonna admit it. I think I might be a little sprung on you… but I think you knew I would be. Now you're sitting back laughing at the effect you have not understanding that it's kinda scary for me to be this vulnerable with someone. So now that you know how I feel… what happens now? I've never been here before… I guess I ask you how you feel… Soooo, how do you feel? I mean…about me

Sincerely,
Desy

I know you are wondering who this is to...well, it's actually... to you, my blog fam.

This is so a digression, but: Channel surfing today exposed me to Flava Flav with a slicked up high top fade that was multi colored and glittery and I just asked myself: Virginity for life or sex with Flava Flav? The answer came so quickly…lol

A blog dialogue continued...

2008-03-21T12:34:00.007-04:00

This is where it all began~ and so it continues...

At this point, Lea is beginning to really get bored because she is sitting on the single couch performing fellatio on her now empty Corona bottle.

‘Ummmm….’ Jinta can’t tear his eye away and he begins to rub my back.

‘Don’t even think about it’ I slap one of his hands and he laughs.

'Come now, I’ll treat you better than Adufé,’ chuckling as he said it.

‘You fuckin better’

Everyone is talking amongst themselves, probably about Lea because she’s beginning to moan at the joy she’s giving this bottle, which echos… because it’s a bottle.

‘Lea, do you and your…uh…friend… want a room?’ James can’t even look in her direction and Diva is ‘rolling on the floor laughing her ass off’ at Lea’s antics.

‘Nawww… I’m straight. I’m just practicing for later tonight since obviously nothing is going on right now.’

‘Well, no one is admitting anything which tells me that everyone is being pretty honest on their post,’ 80 says as he glances over at Britt who smiles in response.

‘But not everyone is posting about their personal life. In fact, when lookin around this room, most of the posts that I’ve read that have nothing to do with what is currently going on in their lives primarily comes from the chromosome gifted ‘Y’s up in here,’ Deja putting out what every woman blogger has thought at some point in time.

‘Excuse me? Ya’ll know all my shit…. well… most of it anyway,’ Rashan says as he glances in my direction.

‘Yeah, I always fuckin write about my every day shit. And I don’t fuckin sugar coat either,’ Adonis adds

‘We know. We’ve read your last post. Still can’t believe you put her gov’t name out there like that,’ Diva shakin her head, thinking ‘so young’

Guerreiranigeriana in that beautiful accent of hers pulled the attention of the men who appreciated her addition. ‘Not everyone has to put their life story in every single post. I mean, there are bigger things in this world and the blog world is a wonderful place to build awareness for some of you less informed Americans.’

‘That’s true, but the reason people read blogs is to get to know you also. What good is your point of view if I don’t know who you are?’ Deja countering

‘Touché,’ Niga concedes. ‘Sorry boys, she does have a point there.’

‘No one is forcing anyone to read. If you don’t like what you see in my posts, don’t visit, or comment,’ One Man’s Opinion finally finding a reason to add to the conversation.

‘But most of us have good blog etiquette, and when someone comments on our page, it’s only courteous to do the same. And One Man, from a personal stand point, I enjoy your blog, even though I don’t always comment. But being curious about the experiences of the mental behind the posts is only natural, is it not?’ I look at him intensely and challenge him to refute.

‘Okay, okay… I guess you have a point there,’ he throws his hands up and offers me a slow smile, enjoying the challenge I offered.

‘Sometimes it is difficult to reveal yourself and not everyone wants to do it,’ Charles talking more to himself than to the group and he looks with eyes unseeing thinking more than likely of his ex.

1/3 gets up and walks over to him, placin a gentle hand on his back and he glances at her, really looking at her, and smiles.

‘But we offer comfort, not judgement. Half the time, we offer humor as well, which can soothe also. What are you scared of,’ Zephi states

‘I’m not scared of a thing. I was vulnerable when I wrote about my love for sandwiches.’ Soumy humorously adds, which causes the room to break out in laughter.

‘Well is there anything that anyone would like to add now. I mean, since we are all here, might as well put yourself out there,’ Eb inquires.

‘So we can be like you? No thanks,’ Jameil replies automatically.

Eb looks at her surprised at the reaction.

‘Nawww, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying, not everyone has something deep to put out there like kissin another blogger. Some of us live regular lives and don’t have shocking stories for days,’ Jameil says thinking of her confession post and the reactions she received.

I nod my head in agreeance.

‘You know you got some secrets so I don’t know why you over there nodding your head like that,’ Roxy calling me out.

‘Who?’ Me doin my mock question thing

‘You, that’s who…,’

‘Me…uh-uh. I’m a virgin remember? I’m completely innocent,’ I put on my most innocent face and look around the room

‘Look, just cause you aint have sex doesn’t mean you are innocent. I’m sure if I gave you this Corona, you would know what to do with it,’ Lea adds, gesturing with the very bottle she had just had a private moment with.

‘Ummmmm… no. Especially not that bottle.’

At this point, the rooms attention is burning through my flesh as they are wondering about what Roxy means. (See this is why you shouldn’t have friends who blog cause they already know all your business….lol.)

‘Please, share,’ Jinta shifts from behind me and takes a front row seat.

I look around and see the curiousity of my fellow bloggers and finally I just get up walk to the center of the room (cause I gotta be the center…lol) and start spewing all of my confessions:

I CONFESS…. I am in love with my homegirl Roxy’s legs. I would be a lesbian for an hour if she’d allow me to lick whip cream and honey off of them.

I CONFESS… I dated my high school choral teacher while he was in the process of getting a divorce.

I CONFESS… he is not the only married man that I've dated.

I CONFESS… I am having a phone affair with a blogger.

‘I KNEW IT!’ Diva stands up and points at Rashan.

‘No, it’s not Rashan, so let it go…’ laughing a little

She looks at him and looks at me. He shrugs his shoulder and I just look at her.

‘How did you know my suspicions?’ Not giving up her beliefs

‘Just cause we’re not having a phone affair does not mean that I don’t talk to him.’

‘Well then who is it?’

‘Now if I told you that, I would be giving you all my secrets.’

‘I thought that is what all of this was about..,’ 1980 adds

‘Look, do you want me to finish confessing or not?’

'Yes, please continue. This shit is good.’ I.can’t.complain says to the room as she pulls out some popcorn from no where.

‘I CONFESS… I hate my aunt and uncle because they haven’t kept in touch with me since my mom died and they know all the things I’ll never get the chance to learn because they didn’t want to share.'

‘I CONFESS…I get blog jealous. When I see someone who has commented on someone else’s page but not mine, I get a little sad, and jealous.’

‘I CONFESS…I’ve kissed a girl.’

‘I CONFESS… I really am a virgin.’

‘I CONFESS… There are a few bloggers that I would fly to visit tomorrow, and no, they are not only men- so get that out your head. It’s just cause I love love love their posts and wonder what a day would be like with them showin me around their city.’

‘And I CONFESS… I masturbate on a regular basis. Thank you for listening to my confessions.’

I go back to my seat next to Jameil and Jinta who have yet to pick up their jaws and as I look around the room, everyone is lookin at me.

‘What…?’ I shrug and smile my third-grade-didn’t-do-it smile.

‘Oh well, you wanted to know.’

Fiend collabo

2008-03-19T19:45:00.005-04:00

Me and 80 did a collabo (not that he claimed it on his site- but i'll still claim you- cause IIIIIII'm not ashamed of my collabos...lol- j/k 80. I know u wuv me...) about a situation where a man is givin up his obsession with sex for a higher livin- celibacy; versus the response of his sexual obsession...

Please read his prior to reading mine- RASHAN!!!...*mumbles 'never followin directions..' ...lol

A laughable thought, my sweet addict, your abandon of bodily union to follow the concrete lined house of convenance. My lascivious nature calls to her salacious mirror found in the bends of your veins that carries your most intimate impurities to your heart, which knows your true stance. The titillation of my hips as they are crushed and burned by your taste provides that hit and as your eyes roll back, I now you need it, my sweet. Need me and all that I can do for you within that moment. I see that greed in you; even as you deny me, your glance grazes the spread of my thighs and I purrr at its assault. I, sadistic in my desire to be consumed by your abuse, yearn for that unyielding grind of your bone within me. Your mastery of invading my form shows of your dedication to the practice, and yet you turn away? Do you think developing an austere air will wash you clean of your compulsion for consumption? Yes truly laughable, my sweet.

As you begin to feel the incursion of deprivation under your skin, you'll turn to me, just as you've always done. You shake your head, but even now, your hands twist within themselves already itching to carve the curves of my lower back. And as I move, I can see the erection ensue filling with your concocted elixir and I lick my lips ready to drink. Come to me my sweet addict; feast on my form inhaling my mahogany scent and be satiated. And as lust becomes pleasure, you will find love in the intoxicating moment of orgasm where inhibition is inevitable and I embrace you in that state. Why place yourself in destitution when you know you will be in the folds of my bed soon after. Just stay, my sweet, stay as my bedfellow and overdose on our physical synthesis. I promise not to disappoint…

Part II of yesterday's scene will be created and posted on Friday where I am going to admit my confession for Makin the Blog; (don't wanna be late with my assignment)

A blog dialogue

2008-03-18T22:08:00.004-04:00

1980 opens the door to find Britt, our last guest, standin at the door holdin Coronas and limes.

‘Sorry I’m late’ slight shrug and a sweet smile decorate her face.
‘Not a problem beautiful- just glad you could make it; ripped jeans and all,’ he chuckled.

’80, are you gonna stand by the door all day starin at Britt, or are you gonna let the girl in so that we can get this thing started!?’ can’t complain shouts

Britt rushes past 80 and walks into the living to find a sea of bloggers sitting around with a mixture of liquors, playin a game of I’ve Never to pass the time.

‘Damn girl, it’s about time that you got yourself here. Ooooo- presents!’ with a quick grab, Lea swiftly swipes the Corona’s and with one smooth motion, twists the top off and takes it to the head while everyone watches in…. well… amazement.

Brittney takes a seat next to Charles and he does one of those one armed brotherly hugs that makes a girl feel loved (you know, in that platonic way).

Jameil is in mid bite of the soon to be devoured waffle fry from Chick. ‘Ummm, are we really gonna do this? I mean, I know I said I would, but I don’t know if I can.’

I snatch a fry, just barely dogging the infamous *side eye*, and watch the reactions of everyone in the room.

Rashan looks over at Diva, who shrugs. 1/3 catches Charles’ eye and has a full conversation without a word about what Jameil just said (or so I assume).

‘Look- I didn’t miss out on some dick to be teased by this. We said we were gonna do it, so we better,’ Lea slightly slurred. There wasn’t much that she had ‘nevered’ so her drink intake was slightly higher than the rest.

James, who had been silent for most of the night, finally spoke up,’ I think that this is necessary for us. I mean, I just think that it’s time for us to get real with one another. Some of us are aware of each other, and some of us aren’t; but after tonight, we will have a full view of one another, mind body and soul. So…. who’s ready to begin?’

Don shifts his weight, pulling the attention of the room.
‘Nawww, I’m not ready- i'm not gonna cross that line first.’

‘That’s not what you said last night,’ Eb states just under her breath; however, loud enough for the room to catch.

‘What happen last night?’ Rashan looks from Don to Eb back to Don.

Simultaneously
‘Nothin’ ‘We kissed’

‘WHAT!?’ Soumy looks over at Eb, back to Don and then collects himself a bit.

‘Such a strong reaction comin from someone who is supposedly only a ‘blog’ husband. Or are the feelings there a bit deeper,’ I couldn’t resist inquiring…

'Ooop, raa-tid. Me dun need to hear dis' Roxy tappin into those aged Jamaican roots. I laugh (cause Roxy bein Jamaican is a trip)

‘Look, we are suppose to be confessing any lies/secrets that currently or have formally been posted on our blogs; not talking about love lust and all that is… weird,’ Rashan says lookin between the threesome.

‘Why are you so interested in what is fact or fiction on our posts? I mean, does anyone really care anyway?’

Everyone stops, and looks at Adonis

‘Hell yeah we care. Are you suggestin that you haven’t been honest on your posts?’ Diva’s gaze was piercing.

‘Nawww, nawww, not I. I’m just sayin…,’ voice fading at the intensity of her eye contact.

‘Well someone in this room is lyin about their shit; so who is it?,’ Deja’s voice revealing her frustration.

‘All I know is that someone isn’t bein real,’ Soumy glaring at Eb as he pipes up.

‘Look- it was just a damn kiss, and I haven’t been lyin on my posts. I always keeps it authentic…,’ Eb said

‘Whatever’ mumbled Soumy

‘Hey, hey, hey, don’t get twisted up over yesterday. That wasn’t suppose to happen. Trust, Eb is all about you Soumy’ Don innerated

80 sounding impatient says ‘Ummmm, this is not suppose to be a group therapy session for Eb, Soumy, and Don. Can we focus please.’

‘So, who is gonna admit that their post was not as ‘authentic’ as they want us to believe?’

Everyone looks around at each other- silence hanging thick in the air

We're friends.....right?

2008-03-16T11:08:00.016-04:00

I've had a ridiculous amount of male friends in my lifetime. The reason for this: I don't know. Usually, it starts out with an attraction, but when it doesn't evolve into a physical tryst, then somehow it becomes this comfortable friendship with a ridiculous amount of openness that has exposed me to the male psyche in so many ways. Sometimes, I think I know too much about what makes a man tick.

Thinking about all these male interactions that I have made me wonder... when do you stop considering a friendship platonic? Is it at the level of attraction? Because, honestly, I don't have any male friends that I don't find attractive. That doesn't entirely coincide with my being attracted to them, but I definately understand why a woman would be. Does it stop when the other person in the relationship develops feelings? What if those feelings aren't mutual? Can you still label it a platonic interaction? I've kissed guys (not on a regular basis- just at some point during the friendship) and still been good friends with them without batting an eyelash when they introduce me to their girlfriends. I'm usually happy for them and wish good things. I sometimes recommend distance so as to limit their appreciation of me so that they focus on their girlfriends and not me; but usually I'm met with laughter and a shrug. But are we platonic? I wonder about who I would keep around if I were in a relationship... but one of those friendships in particular leaves me a little perplexed. He's been one of my closest friends for four years and has had feelings for me for most of that time (although he has never made a move). Would it be wrong of me to continue that friendship even though I've made it perfectly clear that he and I would not work (due to his inability to ask me out... I need a guy who goes after what he wants... in all facets and is comfortable with himself enough to do so) if I were to get involved with someone? Could I still call him friend even though his feelings for me are more? I know that most guys don't think anything of a kiss (and some dont consider that cheating)... so me being a virgin makes life easy for them in their mental and I'm comfortably labeled 'friend'. But am I really? Regular texts/calls...going out on 'dates', eating dinner and cuddling on the couch are all things that I've done with friends at one point or another. I really don't know.... Yet another thing I'm confused on.

Update (thanks to Jasmin and Jameil's commentary): I need to clarify before people start lookin at me wrong...lol. I am not regularly kissing or cuddling with any of my friends. Those are just boundaries that have been crossed at some point or another within those friendships, but does not occur repeatedly or throughout the friendship. The friend that I've had for the last four years... I've done nothing with. Not a kiss, not holding hands- nothing. No mixed messages. I could not fathom regularly engaging in kisses and touches and not catch feelings... I'm not that talented. What I'm wondering is if that line has been crossed at some point in the friendship, does it change the dementions and turn it into something that can no longer be labeled platonic? Or if one of the people in the friendship catches feelings, does it mean that a platonic situation is no longer feasible?

Digression: gotta duet with Sojourner on his poetry site. If you're interested- check it out: The Virgin Temptation

My lyfe

2008-03-14T10:35:00.005-04:00

Disclaimer- this was written on Thurs- but I fell asleep before I finished so just think Thurs...lol

Sooooooooo, this sucks.

I called the dealer yesterday to get an update on my car to see if it would be ready today or tomorrow (since I knew the guy who normally calls me incessantly was off, thus no update). I got this lady who had a very thick accent. Luckily- I am fluent in Spanglish.

So I tell her my name and ask her if she has the update on my car. Within a fraction of a second, she tells me that my car is ready. Really? Wow- great. That suprised me. A dealership earlier than they estimated?... that never happens. I call my friend and we head out to the dealership. I get there and walk in to the body shop. I see the lady I spoke to on the phone (name by the way Dolce, which means sweet in spanish). She, as soft and sweet as ever, directs me to the secretary who prints off my info from the computer and takes me over to the cashier for payment of the deductible (sigh- the responsible insurance comp has stated that they will be denying the claim- thus I have to wait and get reimbursed my ded after my insurance sues theirs..... I'm never gonna see that money again....). I walk back to the body shop with my receipt eager to receive my car back.

Dolce comes out with some keys in her hand and says 'Les go to jour carro'.

She stops at a 98 Gold Camry. 'Do jou want to sheck eet out?'.

I furrow my brow and respond 'No- this is not my car.'

With a confused look on her face, she grabs the paper from my hand with the details of my car and says 'oooooooh.'

Then she walks away. I look over at my friend and wonder what the hell just happen.

Dolce walks out with her hands in her pockets with a forlorn look on her face.

'I muss have mix jou up with the name that was given to me with the keys that were dropped off on my desk jus as jou call me.'

'So my car is not ready?'

'No- did jou return jour rental.'

I paused for a moment collecting my thoughts because I didn't want to get pissed or upset. It's been two weeks and I just hate hate HATE relying on other people to take me around cause I feel soooo bad. The only people I've ever felt comfortable asking favors from are my family members cause I know that they do things for me out of love. With my friends, I always wonder if they are keeping score, even if they do love me... I know that's ridiculous, but I'm weird. (The name she mixed me up with: Rose.... really? Rose sounded the same as my name? Uh-huh). '

'Com'mon, I'll take you home' my friend looks at me and takes my hand.

'Look- when will my car be ready for sure?'

'Tomorrrrow'

'Ok. Can you have them change the oil as well. Thanks.'

'Si. Jour carro will be beautiful tomorrow.' She walked back inside and I left.

Well it's 'tomorrrrow' and I haven't heard anything. I called another one of my friend's to take me to the dealership (because i don't feel right asking my friend who took me yesterday- especially since she didn't offer, which I know means she doesn't want to do it). I called the delearship at round 3 (knowing that the end of day is at 6) and of course my car is not yet ready. I ask explicitly 'Is it going to be ready today?'

'We are doing everything dat we can to feeneesh it today.'

Another vague ass answer. This is where the frustration really kicks in because I don't really have that many friends at my disposal to ask to take me to the dealer, and my parents work so they are clean out the question.

'I will call jou when jour carro is ready.'

'Ok'.

I wait all the way up until 5:20pm. Still nothing- so of course I call. I get some other lady and leave a message for Dolce to call me back. A guy calls me back about 5 min later.

'We did everything to get your car done today, but unfortunately, we still have not been able to complete the job.'

'Look- I have been incredibly patient and I understand that this is a delicate process, but this has been ridiculous. You mistake me with someone else, which I find to be highly unlikely if you had actually looked me up in the system rather than just talking. And then you confirm that my car will be ready today, which again, is not correct. If you were unsure of the completion date, I would have preferred hearing 'either Thurs or Fri'. But you told me today without hesitation, so I expect to have a car today. So, I need some type of transportation arranged for me until you do have my car ready.'

'You don't have a rental?'

'No. I returned it when Dolce told me my car was ready.' (LIE!- but whatever)

'Ok, when can you get here.'

'In 20 min.'

'Alright, I'll have a car arranged for you if you can make it here before we close.'

This is when all the stress left my bones. I no longer have to rely on anyone to take me to and from the dealership- yeh!!!. I'm unsure of when my car will be completed (hopefully Fri cause I really miss her (no she does not have a name) and I can't wait to get her back). So I'm sure you are wondering what car I got from the dealership. A 2007 Honda Civic- black. My car is better, but this will definately due (since I was thinkin I was gonna get a Dodge Neon or something...lol).

So- Friday is Happy Hour with brudder and my friend Sheen who took me to the dealer on the first day. Good, cause I miss him and I haven't gotten the chance to tell him my woes... He'll tell me just what I need to hear (which is essentially- suck it up and deal. You have car that you can use until yours is ready... so supportive. I love it!....lol).

I just can't wait for all of this to be over, but it won't be until I get my deductible back. Who knows how long that will take since I have yet to hear from my adjustor and don't even know if they have started the process yet. Oh well. My lyfe....

I need a guy like this- who can turn every day into classical...lol

Update: He's back from vacation!! I have learned to appreciate his incessant calls/updates on the status of my car. He gave me the details as to what was going on with my car and why it has been taking so long for it to be ready. Of course, the great communicators that his co-workers are, didn't share what happen to me this week; so I naturally filled him in. He was amazed and quite disappointed and gave me even more detail with what was up with my car, letting me know that I will not be getting my car back today, saturday, or sunday... thus, enjoy the rental on them...lol.

Its random

2008-03-12T09:45:00.005-04:00

~Supposedly, I'm getting my car back from the dealership tomorrow... at least that's what the body shop guy called to tell me last week four times

~I've actually learned the art of getting tipsy/drunk without throwing up and got to enjoy that feeling last friday at my fav Happy Hour/club spot

~I'm so ashamed of myself for liking this song. I have hated him since...oh... i don't know... forever. I never could do the greased up made for tv star that was pre packaged to be 'pretty'. But I bump to it every time I hear it...so ashamed...lol

~I realize I don't think I'm sexy/beautiful. I actually get uncomfortable when told such things. Cute- I can handle. I've been comfortably cute since time began (for me), but sexy- especially with partial nudity.... naww, not me. I get completely shy- something no one would expect from me because I'm so damn confident. But it's with my clothes on. I guess having sex will change that for me??? Who knows

~I am loving my spring break. It is filled with sleep, writing, more sleep, tv, some napping, and hanging out with friends and did I mention I have gotten plenty of sleep?... I've spent little money (yeh! cause i have none) and have enjoyed random 5 min convos with my step mom about dumb shit that has me dyin. That woman will make an event out of going to Wal-Mart... and is waitin for when I say lets go- but she won't get ready to go, or ask.. because truthfully- she doesn't want to drive. Mind you- Wal Mart is 5 min up the road... but she's always claimin-' I thought you said we were going to Wal Mart' in her affectionate haitian accent and I respond 'Well let's go then'... Neither one of us moves. It's hilarity at it's finest

~How is it that people know the EXACT moment when you are at your busiest to call one after the other; but when you are doing nothing with your life, your phone is silent?

~I hear pets make you live longer. According to some random report somewhere on this oh so reliable entity we call the web, there is a study that shows people who live with pets live longer. I still don't know if I'm a cat person or a dog person. Cats are more independent, use the litter and can live without too much affection. Dogs are all about being in your face, workin you 0ut, barking for no reason (some dogs, not all), and knowing when you are low to be there.... I guess I'll find out when I decide to get a pet

~Bitchassness has become an epidemic. I hear it everywhere now. How da hell Diddy do that? Just make some shit so popular... and watch- he'll be the one that promotes it soooo much, that we'll get sick of it. But for now... I kinda want that shirt he was wearin...lol.... nawwwww. But I loved loved LOVED how he called out the democratic party and it's bitchassness....

~I realize I have only been on about 5 real dates in my life. You know, when the guy comes to your house, waits a little for you to finish up your last touches, opens your car door, takes you to the movie/dinner/whatever and engages you in interesting/awkward first date convo, if going well- hitting a spot for coffee or something, if not- going home because you're 'tired', a hug goodnight and discussion of calls being exchanged in the morrow- that kinda date. Yeah, only had a handful... and mostly with men that aren't black. Do black men not do dates? hmmmm

~He keeps calling/texting me. Obviously I don't like talking to you because you continuously interrupt me with questionnaire inquiries all the while not listening to the answer. Leave.me.alone.

~When did Martin Lawrence become Disney friendly?

~And when did the text message become the new conversation starter with someone you met at the club? Is a phone call no longer the thing to do? Man, have men become so scared of discourse that they reduce themselves to askin about my day via text... Do you really wanna know if you do it that way...? I mean- I only have 160 characters... can I really break down my day for you in that span.. or just break you off with a quick 'fine'....see, you don't really want to know... you just want the quickie...

I'm done....

Anniversary

2008-03-10T00:09:00.001-04:00

Twenty years has passed since that day. I revisit it each year and look at my former self. I sit with that little girl and smile at her unknowing face hoping she doesn't see the sadness that lies behind my eyes. She runs and sits onto the corner of her mommy's bed- watching as the last breath is exhaled. She knows nothing of what has just occurred and is eager for the time when her mother looks at her again. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that hold all the worlds greatest secrets. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that ease any questionable feelings. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that know all about her heart. Just…looks at her.

Because it had been weeks since she had truly looked at her. I walk over to her and place my hand on her four year shoulder that now carries a new burden not yet felt. I whisper all that I can to help her know and understand that everything will be ok. She pulls away and crawls to her mother's side, wrapping herself in her mother's still warm embrace- because that is where she is safe. It is within that moment that my tear falls because I am unable to remember that feeling. That feeling of my mother's embrace.

Although sirens are heard and commotion is soon to come, she falls asleep. Safe in the still warm embrace of her mother's arms. And I envy her. So I climb into that very bed and crawl up into that very spot and rest my head exactly where it should be…. And I am safe. Safe in the still warm embrace of my mother's arms. I long to stay in this moment until there is no longer a sense of time, but I know that I cant. Soon I will awake; and my four year old form will dissipate from my mind's eye. And her embrace will no longer be felt. I will be left here- without her…. But not yet. For now- I am still safe. Safely asleep in my mother's still warm embrace.

And as heaven's shift and night becomes day, I am retured to my present. My present where she has no place in the physical. But her spirit guides me and it lights my way through life… with a gentle light… just as she looked at me…. Gentle- with those eyes that knew all about my heart.

I must

2008-03-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

So- of course, I am part of Makin the Blog (even though I'm still wondering when I volunteered...lol) and although I'm fully aware that I do not really have to do this- I'm gonna do the assignment. But unlike some people, I'm actually gonna be real. Unfortunately, I couldn't just show love for one- so I had to give it up to all that I adore...

Directions: To set the mood- press play and listen to some Max while reading, cause he's the reason why this post took this direction...lol

~It was in the white curves on that black page where I experienced my first orgasm. I came before I was ready and I held my eyes close to savor the last lingering tingles, biting my lip wondering at how he knew my spot. He went so deep, and I shoulda protested but with the quick wit tongue, sarcastic stroke, and finger exposing vocab...I was so turned on. But what else can be expected from a Casanova

~I thought about becoming a hookah so that he could breath in my essence through those lips. Movin atop his pleura seductively so that it would welcome my penetration and allow my darkened kisses to line the grooves of his lobes. And as he expelled, I would stroke the vocal folds of his throat and have him hummin my song. I'm waitin to affect his breath in one thousand nine hundred and eighty ways... cause he sure as hell has done that to me

~An enigma that arouses the dormant portion(s) of my cerebrum with tantalizing touches of thought provoking words/questions. A shadowed form that causes internal and external climaxing by way of a few keyboard kisses. I hold him in a deep throat position, not wanting him far from my mental as he expels his seed(s) into my head. I soak myself in his questions, bathing in the possibility of he bein the solution

~I yearn to complete the thought in his head before he exerts a single key stroke along the length of his poetic commentary~ but alas, I find myself walkin in post creation. Don't get it twisted, I enjoy watching his self gratification, but I desire the duet of our literary exegesis so the fruits of our united labor reflect the union of he and I in each line, minus the bars.

~He is the T.obey Mc.guire to my Pl.easantville- splashing his tongue in my crevices aggressively against my will, takin me to hieghts unbeknownst to me in my previous existence. He is my definition, perfection casted within the thrusts of his pulse and he exudes his verbal prowess in that youthful way that demonstrates his eagerness to be hailed as Ceasar

~Comes and goes like the river, and brings forth the tide. You see, I rise to meet him as he plunges into my grainy coves with accented lullabies sung in his native tongue. He reaches to my core to elicit my wetness and I am left with nothing but a hint of who I used to be; because in all that he wrote- he managed to change me without protest. I simply sighed....ahhhh.

~I am a ghost shaded by night when I walk along the steps of his brick built words. I quiver to the beat of his side song playin that thumps my ear drums every time I open into his darkness. He speaks of solidarity with warmth, but I long to bring true heat to his earthly manifestations so as to allow growth. His pen stretches my inexperienced form and teaches me unknowingly how to align my ink on his paper. But I must expose myself to know his tru genius. Until then, I'll walk along the steps of his brick built words housed by his complex simplicities

To the females who I've come read regularly: This is for you (not that I'm crushin, but I appreciate)

Alright...Look, my Divalicious Opinions have placed me in the relm of this blogsphere that has allowed me the opportunity to Write As I Please. You see, as a fellow Renaissance Black Woman, it is my duty and responsibility to read, understand, and continue to become educated in the Exercises Of Fabulosity. Thus, I am no longer...In The Search... of true magnificents; I embody it. And at days end, I will look around as I sip a Cool Glass of Dejanade and be thankful that I had the priviledge to be exposed, taught, and respected by such women. To you- I say Thank you.

That moment

2008-03-02T18:29:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about it for as long as I can remember. That moment when my life went from one direction into another. Not in a little way, like dessert or no dessert, but in a major way.

I sometimes feel as tho I am not suppose to be where I am; like somehow, my cards got mixed up somewhere along the way. I know that biblically speaking, that is no possible- all things happen for a reason and that reason leads His children to the destination that He has for them (regardless of what happens in the mean time). But there are moments and sometimes days when I truly feel as if this life is not suppose to be mine.

Moments for me:

Her presences in my life as more than spirit and faith. Walking the path she guided with words rather than the path I felt closest to her through. Adolescent hatred of her rather than yearning for her arms during fits of silent tears. Conversations with her as a fellow woman about men and interactions rather than...not

Not saying yes. Loving him as strongly and as deeply as I did, my best friend- I still don't fully understand my hesitation. Knowing that my father probably wouldn't have allowed me to date, and being a school girlfriend didn't seem like something he could do. Plus he was so ready to have sex, and I so wasn't. But if I did say yes, I would have known love like no other. He would've been my first. I don't know if I could have kept him from the dark road he ended up going down, but that's his path and I won't speculate having that kind of power... but my life would have definately being different.

Not getting accepted. I would have been in Tampa at this time becoming an audiologist rather than a speech therapist. My relationship with my parents probably wouldn't have been what it is. I would have definately been different- flexing those independent muscles at 22 in incredible academic dept with alot more exposure to black men that are interested in black women (cause when I visit there- they holler across the street...lol; but my friends who live there say that happens all the time-so I don't get bigheaded..lol).

Fucking up my arm. I worked with autistic children in a residential facility. One night- I pulled one out of the road before he got hit by a car. In the process, I ripped open my upper right arm. This changed how I looked at alot of things... and handled certain things... and viewed certain people. My already short tolerance became shorter.

But I'm here. And for the most part, I know that I'm suppose to be...But sometimes I find it therapeutic to think about what/who I would be if my path had not been altered in some of those 'by choice' and 'not by choice ways'.