Tuesday, June 24, 2008

So fickle

I am sitting in the Health and Public A.ffairs building waiting for class.
The building is made of glass pretty much.
So I can see outside.
The sun's blazing... I mean, I'm hot just looking out there.
An hour passes.
I glance over from the paper I'm writing (down to the wire, I know, I'm such a procrastinator).
It's raining.
Not lightly either.
I look down at the floor and I see steam rising up from the concrete.
That's how hot it is here.
I felt like I was in a weird music video with fog machines and rain.
Someone just walked passed me.
She had a newspaper on her head (even though she left the rain outside).
Her flip flops squeaked as she walked.
And as I finish this post, the sun is coming out and it has lightened up to a sprinkle...
Florida is so fickle

Friday, June 20, 2008

Hey You...

I'm all better. Thank you all for being so sweet and supportive; it helped more than you know.

So, I starting to get accustom to the schedule that I have... and the fact that it is only for four days really helps me make it through. Whenever I feel as though I'm at my wits end, before I know it, it's Friday and I'm catching up on all of my blogs, hanging out around the house with my step mom, and talking to friends about what's up for the weekend.

This weekend? A drive up to Panama City to visit my homeboy Andy with my girl Roxy. I think that I need to get the hell out of this city... even if it is for a little while. I do have to cut the trip a little short (pool cleaning duties and homework must be addressed) so I'll be back mid Sunday, but it's better than nothing.

I have started the funeral dialogue, but it has been at a standstill since the first paragraph...lol...But I am giving myself to next week... (even if it's midnight Sat) to finish it....

I love that phrase...'Hey you'.... It brings this unexplainable smile on my face. I don't know why either.....and he does it every time I pick up his calls. There is just something about that phrase... or maybe something about the fact that he doesn't give up on me no matter how busy I get. He makes ridiculous requests (e.g. 'Come play pool with me and my friends Tuesday night after your 15hr day of work and school...') knowing that I'll say no because I have to get rest for the next day of work... but he does it anyway. If nothing else, he's one more person that makes me feel wanted (and that is definately a very very small pool)...and brings an unexplainable smile to my face with just that simple 'hey you' that greets my ear. Have a great week ya'll...see you soon

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Deep Breath

So I've been a bit MIA. I've had a rough couple of days, and today just topped it all. So much so, that I skipped class tonight and just came straight home from my internship. I got so frustrated that I ended up shedding some tears (not there, but during the venting sessions I had after). I started typing about it, but I realize there is no short way to do it... Another reason why I should have probably utterz this... Speaking is so much faster than typing.

I will say that I have missed you all so intensely... My schedule is sooo jam packed and when I come home, I just collapse... I don't turn on the television, I don't really talk on the phone.. I mean, my day is filled with so much sensory input (tantruming autistic children, circle time, singing and dancing, running around, therapizing...sigh) that I don't even turn on the radio when I drive home. I just take in the silence and figure out how I'm gonna do it all again the next day... and to top it off, two out of the four days that I'm there, I have class following until 10pm; which means, I don't get home til around 11pm and I have to get up at 6am to start the day over again with the kids...Can I really do this for the next 8wks? {stressed/depressed tears, wiping them away, deep breath} Yes, I can do this.

I've also been a bit low these last few weeks as well... There is so much shyt going down in my family and the addition of my internship and school (didn't do so hot on my first exam) is not helping get me out of this feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning. I know that I should be thanking God that He has blessed me with another day to do whatever I did yesterday better... but I feel like one of the kids and all I want to do is tantrum right now because I am not happy... Maybe I need to go drinking...lol

Wish me luck. The Praxis is this Saturday... 600+ here I come...*going to make my blog rounds before bed*

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A tribute to fam

Just because....

The Girls

Opinionated Diva- You a truly a woman to be admired. There is something about the essence of you that transcends space and brings calm to such a disruptive environment. The joy you emit and the laughter you have somehow managed to produce from the median sector of my anatomical structure is so insane... Plus, any friend of Rashan is definately a smart, sharp, and put together individual in a way that few are, so I have an incredible amount of respect for you.

Jameil- The consistent author. I have never known someone to be so dedicated to one thing that can sometimes be fickle (commentors...lol; myself included); but you continue, and that shows the true heart of you- which to me is a profound woman. You live for you, and very few do... The manner in which you carry yourself and make yourself be known is classy, loyal, and whole. Being whole... I will get there... but watching you live in that way is something to be seen, and I am honored to do so...

Stace- so you, it's ridiculous. You bounce around with ideas that keep me amused (i want to be a photographer) and make me wonder if that will be something you accomplish, since that is in your mind. You have no problems being the woman that your represent in this world, and prove it to us everytime you post a pic about 'living in the life of stacie von kut....' That is dopeness on a whole otha level...lol... And I've become an avid reader in a very short time of the words that you type on the computer screen...

Roxy- You never blog, but you are my best friend and there are no words to express how deeply you mean to me, so I won't even try... I hope my actions say it all...

1/3- Such a warm sugar coated woman you are. I know that your sweetness runs deep, but I can't imagine that being the only layer of you as a woman. It is hard to trust and be open, and at times, that's appropriate not to be, but not here, and not in this space... and I hope that at some point, you'll be letting us into the the curves of your complex but simple days... *needing to take my own advice...lol* birds of a feather...

KB- Giiiirl, what can I say. You are so the shyt... just...raw. You are one of few who truly keeps it so on the level. You make no apologies for the woman you are becoming in the way that you are getting there and you make sure the world has no questions about the way you think, feel, or react to it. Truly a person I never have to wonder about... worry about tho...lol... only sumtymes... but I fucks with you for real and I am I glad to call you friend.

I.Cant- And I thought I was the mystery...lol... You have definately taken me on a interesting ride over there... I love the way you blog... It is the most unique blogging style I have ever seen and I am soo all about it. I have at times yearned to know the woman behind the blog, simply because I think that there is just so much to know that doesn't get posted... your mental has that addictive quality to it...

Britt- I'm sure you don't think this, but you are quite controversial...lol... and I think that you may or may not be aware of that. There are things that I have had to deduce about you and your life and I have learned more than I thought I ever would (all speculation of course, since you and I have never really touched base much)... but I hope one thing for you: To try something amazingly wonderfully new, and enjoy it... And then tell us all about it... But until then, I'll definately keep an eye out for the woman that is walking life parallel to me...who has some similarities and more differences...lol.

Queen- That blog...lol... You have such a way of making a libido stand erect and ready for...play. I enjoy the way you string words together into a picture that is designed by the limitless boundaries of your thoughts. In so many ways, I see myself in you and the woman that you are (especially when it comes to thinking about sex...lol). Your experiences and wisdom guide me with a gentle light, and I am happy that I stopped just seeing you all over the blogosphere and actually paid a visit... One of my more smart decisions.

Deja- You're crazy; but in the best possible way. You are the comedian to my open mic night and I always have to make sure to not have food around due to my habit to eat and blog, which has affected my keyboard from time to time with you... (busting out laughing in mid oreo bite, not a good look). I have a full understanding of where you come from (Ayiti!!!!) and am happy to have a fellow virgin to represent with. I make sure to keep you on rotation (no matter where my IP be comin from- Palm Coast, Orlando, West Palm...lol... it's all mee baby...hahaha... don't let the meter fool you).

Zephi- So sporadic with your posting, I never know when to get it together and head that way, but I check whenever I make it online, so I think I have it covered. I know that our mutual status will soon be a thing of the past for you (now that you got your boo...lol), and I want to know EVERY SINGLE DETAIL...lol... Not really. I honestly feel that you are a tremendous woman. Dealing with all the shyt that has to be dealt with when being an international student... all because you are wanting to get an education... I soooooooooo have this look of sheer respect on my face right now just thinking about that drive and I hope you never lose it...

Niga- Your posts open my eyes up to a smorgus board of so many things, ranging from your life, to the life of those around you. That socially conscious mind of yours even in a space of typical egocentricity makes you so unique. The combination of all things gives me a whole picture of what you, as a woman, sits and thinks about at any given moment (from dreads, to sickle cell, to golden showers)....

The Guys

Rashan- I know we very rarely discuss our interaction on blog and have a tendancy to keep all things low key... but I really have no words for how much you have changed.my.life... My thought process about so many things about myself and what I was capable of has really evolved and the person I was is not the person I am... Because of you... mean, sarcastic, loving, consistent, dedicated, wonderful you. I am so addicted to the man that you are (even back in the day when I read the Casanova), and I can't express how much I appreciate having you in my life as my friend, confidant, ear to vent to, companion, and so many other things...

1980- Now see, you are a lurker...lol... and a tease poster. You don't write about your world anymore... And I think the reasons behind that are...well, they just are. But I miss seeing your mental. What I do appreciate is that you haven't completely given up the blog game (even tho I think you downgraded from professional bloggin to rookie status) You are such a wonderful guy and I do hope that you find that lady that really does work for you, because you really deserve it.

One Man- You are hilarious... and how old are you man (thinking of the 23 yr old niece)... You have SO much to say and I actually have to make sure I have enough time to thoroughly read and dissect your posts since they are so lengthy; but that is truly why I return time and time again. You just let us in into that tremendous mind of yours and I always appreciate seeing your fist pop up in my comment section because I know that post moved you... And you've definately given me a new perspective on law enforcement...

Charles- What can I say about you Charles. You've been hurt. You are an artist. You are funny. And you are a great person to know. My biggest wish for you is that you take every day to BE the person you so desperately want to be... and rather than discuss how you will be, just stand in those shoes today and see how they fit. You have a tremendous amount to offer and if even one third of that is shared with your significant other, she will be beyond happy. Just make sure not to carry your past with you, ok? Good.

Dessex- I am SOOO proud of all that you have accomplished and damn if I don't think you are going to be a major force to deal with in this corporate world of ours. Your dedication to your education, family, and woman is so freakin rare and I am just in awe that it exists. All that, while still maintaining that round the way stance and being true to you... I commend you my blog brother...

Soumy- You are a literary beast. I still can't get past that sandwich post. I love the fact that you are a crap shoot, because I NEVER know when you are gonna post...lol. All I know is that I need to check, and if there is no post, then it's time to perseverate on the bubble game (my secret obsession)....lol. You are an enigma wrapped up in a never ending maze, but I love that... It makes me want to know EVERYthing... although I'm aware that is impossible....sigh...

Canon- You are this young Philly brother that has said things a million and one times that have made me wonder if you are the true consciousness of men. The way you refer to woman, and talk about them and blog about them... It just makes me wonder. I hope you find your passion. You are still so young and you have so much more to go through before you decide on the things that truly matter, but I hope you get there. You have the potential to be something to reckon with, and I would love to see you do that. Know that I am keeping my eye on you (no matter how many times you change your name).

Swag- I don't know what to think with you, but I've stopped trying. From what I know and see, you are a wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, sweet guy that puts Barry White to shame...lol. I see a great deal of differences between you and I, but you bring those different elements out in me and I really appreciate you for that. You make me settle within myself and accept that not everything is right this second (and you probably didn't even kno you did that...haha). And I hope you do take me up on that UF game...

James- Can I just say it is SO good to see you. It almost feels as though you might be opening up (juuuuust a little), but from what I've seen, you still like to cloak your self in a bit of anonymity... It is truly an element that makes you stand out... the way you have mastered being open and ambiguous...haha.. I am glad that you still swing through here, even at my sporadic comment status over at your spot (but I do read; I just sometimes don't know what to say, or someone else has already said it)... You are an amazing mind, and when I can afford it, I will be investing in that book on tape.

Jintu- My former blog flirt... You have completely fallen off the blog game (and you are thoroughly missed) but I love love love your spot. The way you discussed all things (including scent marking~ a concept that was completely foreign to me), you force me to open up my mental just a bit. The wrinkles you have added and the stretching you have caused makes me a more informed and well rounded person. I hope to see you soon....

To the newbies, the one timers, the lurkers, and just the plain random... I'm all about you too..lol

Now I'm off to dine on some oreos... PS. A blog dialogue- The funeral is soon to be...

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


These are prisoners in the Phillipines (I believe)... So I don't EVER want ANYONE to tell me that they cannot dance... cause if these guys can do this... you have no excuse....lol. (In class about to take a test, wish me luck)

Sunday, June 1, 2008

One long runon

i'm exhausted... i've been working at my internship and going to school and working at my job and doing my best to chill with my parents throughout the week (which i've somehow made possible with determination) and talk to necessary friends... and trying to maintain some sort of regular schedule on blog (which i can't anymore, so i just go with the flow of my life)...and thinking on the fact that this is just the beginning of 10weeks of overwhelmingly busy-ness... not knowing when i'm going to get to study for the exam that i need to pass to get national recognition and the degree that i have been investing in for the last year and a half (coming up in two weeks) since my job (that i'm on call for) told me that two of the girls are taking vacations next week and the week after and want every free moment i have outside of school and my internship...and i could use the financial...but that will strip my energy and make me loose the desire to study... not that people in this major do (there are those that have passed going in cold, or just studying the day before... which sounds like something i would do...lol)... and my internship has offered to give me financials for any hours that i do outside of my required 20 for my part time placement... but who knows if that's just talk (since i did 12hours just on fri)... apparently, there are alot of hours that the therapist are there for doing 'other' things (which was a large part of my friday) and i have no idea if that is payed time or not... but whatever... i don't do it for the money... hence my current financial status... i'll have to weigh out where to work though (since my job pays me more, but i have more fun at the clinic with my friends... but I like my co-workers too, and i like my job....sigh, whatever, it'll work itself out)...good news... i finally have running water... at some point during this week without me noticing, my dad got someone in here to locate the freakin leak that was so illusive i thought jas.on bour.ne had put that mess in the piping... now that all is well, i can spend extended times here without wondering how i'm gonna flush the toilet...today is the only day i get to really rest, but i won't be able to since i have cleaning, studying, and paper writing to accomplish...let's see if any of that actually gets done...i had several conversations yesterday that made me think about dating and romance and how things should or shouldn't be...i have a deep confusion as to when people stop talking about how they would be if there were with the person versus when they actually start doing it... i have an overwhelming belief that it should be a natural progression, where it just happens comfortably and easily... which leads me to the notion that i shouldn't wait for the person that i hope may happen once the label'girlfriend' is applied...i should be looking at the person of today and deciding on whether or not that works for me... i just get so wrapped up in liking someone and seeing the potential of it all that i don't really look entirely at what is happening right now...and no matter what is said about what will be...'what is' should the determiner for me... i've seen so many different types of relationships; ones that start and evolve quickly, and ones that go slow and steady approach... but all have a common underlying truth... you begin treating the person the way you would in a relationship the moment you start feeling that way... at least that's what i think...but my friend told me that she waits a bit with certain things... and my a few of my guy friends said the same thing... but those are the same guys that i've seen do bomb ass things for 'a potential', so i took their comments with a grain of salt...don quit blogging cause of drama... i wonder if the more people you follow and comment, the more drama happens... the reason i say that is cause of rashan... i loved following him in his old spot.. but drama happened and he really pulled back from the blog world... i mean, he used to get 30, 40 comments a post...i love following him now, but he does get less comments... the flip side... he has no drama... i've never gotten a sea of comments...and i've never had drama either... i think the only blogger i know that has a large amount of followers without any ish is opinionated diva... but who knows... maybe she's just better at handling her ish... the fact that drama has pushed don out of this alternate reality known as blogger cause of people talking is sad... blog drama should be a quick brush off, not a deep life affecting situation... but oh well... everyone handles things in their own way... and when the discussion of kids gets involved, then that is a new low that i just can't even understand... i just polished my nails... dark blue... i really like darkly polished nails (as you can see in my pics for the concert...those were dark brown)... i'm hungry... gonna go get something to eat... it's officially June! which means i can run 3 tolls without being mailed a ticket... i do it every month...lol... ok, ok, food now...