Sunday, August 31, 2008

Interning Again

I started my full time internship this week. It's 20min from (or with 75cent toll, 10min) and it's the reasonable Mon-Fri 8-4. I'm working with brain injury patients ages ranging from 16-90 and I am liking it alot so far. My supervisor is a mile a minute thinker/talker and is the classic definition of A type personality, but I can handle it.

I don't understand him. And I hate being confused. Because then I sit and ruminate over our interaction from the time I met him (4yrs ago) til today trying to analyze and understand. But I'm starting to get that no matter how much I try, I just won't get it. We've always been friends. Mostly because I have great people skills and he's allowed me to exercise them, but I feel the appreciation of me keeping in touch when others don't always. Sometimes. But recently, our conversations have been.... different. Mostly because of he's prodding and inquiry... and I think, flirting. Really? Can I really call it that?... hmmmm... But then he comes to Orlando (from Jacksonville, a 2hr drive), and I don't hear from him and he doesn't try to link up. But when he goes back to Jville, he'll call and want to discuss how he wishes he'd had time to see me... I don't do good with talkers... Because if your actions don't match, what can I do with words? He's such a great guy though, and over the years, our friendship has brought comfort to me, and surprised me in ways that I really do feel as though he's enriched my life. Hmmm....

What the hell am I watching... this is a weird ass movie for real...

Such a relaxing weekend. I actually got the holiday off (which surprises me since I'm working in the hospital and people don't really take holidays off)... It's apparently my supervisor's year for having the holidays, so she'll also be off for Thanksgiving. I hope my brother barbecues. I haven't been to enough of those in my lifetime.

Man, it does not feel like Sunday. Maybe because I didn't do my regimented happy hour, dance all night friday. But I hung out with my bestest friday, and helped her out with setting up her classroom yesterday. Then we chilled and it was a nice way to spend the weekend... I'm thinking I want to go to poetry night tonight at this club I've never been to... I hear good things...

I've started looking for a job... This is going to be a long journey....

I know I don't talk about politics alot, but when you were watching the DNC acceptence speech of B-bomb and they would cut to a shot of Michelle... am I the only one that made up commentary of what she might be thinking?... I mean, she had such an intense look and she's so together most of the time, I just let my imagination run rampent and I was rolling... If you didn't... look at it again and by all means, make up some commentary... you will find your inner comedian within that space.

I'm off... more laziness needs to be achieved... enjoy your extended weekend!

Oh yeh... I forgot to mention. I've completed the short story for Essenc.e and will be submitting it... Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Unfinished things

I think about you
In the increments of time that are whispered between uncountable moments across the expanse of space that ventures beyond the possibility of thought and word.
I think about you
Every conception saturated by flashes of teeth, vibrations of laughter, exquisite moments of...just being where eyes sit locked inside invisible rooms with mahogany walls.
I think about you
Uncontrollably and unconventionally, causing moments when skin shutters and legs cross and lips are moistened; leaving desire to seep from images to flesh.
I think about you
As more than just a yesterday that poured its way into today and seems to have every intention of leaking into tomorrow... and that's a little scary.

And that's all I got... maybe I'll finish this piece (or maybe it's already done.. who knows)

Soooo... cousin left. And you know, I actually liked him more towards the end there. I'm so unaccustomed to having people around me anymore (it's been about 4yrs or so since my brother lived here), but I'm all about it... usually. Well, this was definitely not one of those times. Reason? Well, my cousin was a bit shy. Painfully so. So much so, that he was actually rude. It got to the point where I couldn't take him with me to certain things because he would refuse to socialize properly. My poor friends would inquire, but one word responses can only take a conversation so far and unfortunately, it was not their duty to make him feel comfortable. I also have the feeling that he really didn't want to grow comfortable, so I didn't feel to bad about leaving him behind after a while. Another thing that made things a bit trying: he asked for things last minute. I would give him a run down of things we would do that day, and we'd get in the car, he would explain there were things that he needed to accomplish first. One thing I hate feeling like is a chauffeur... and it happen MULTIPLE times, even though I explained that doing that messed me up (since I was on a schedule with him). Don't let me sit around the house all morning and then right as we are about to leave to make it to some event (eg movie, dinner, social engagement with fam) you THEN tell me you need to take care of something. Why didn't you tell me 3 hours ago?!?! Now we're gonna be late (which I hate) and that is gonna make things uncomfortable (when you are already going to BE uncomfortable because you are shy...sigh... dude, I'm trying to help you out, but It was kind of hilarious, cause my anger is like a flash of light. You don't even realize you just saw it... I would speak on it in a rather strong discussion voice and then within the next breath, I would be joking (which probably made him acka fool multiple times through his time here). Future reference: 12days is too damn long to visit people you have never met in your life. I don't give a damn that their blood... Don't do it!

I tried to figure out what the vacation would have been like if I were shy. People are always telling me to take things like that into consideration, but damn, why do I always gotta make the extra effort cause I'm social. Well, I decided to give him a small piece of what he was like and I completely shut down. I responded with one word responses and I didn't make eye contact and he kept prying and prying (of course this was after 7 or 8 days of non stop me me me, so he was over his shyness at this point). Part of it was me giving him a dose of himself, but part of me was just talked out. I was sick of being the pusher and so switching roles was a nice change... After maybe 3 questions... he gave Some people just don't have the stamina to be aggressive questionnaires...

I did like having fam around, but he's young minded and feels he knows it all (telling me how I should manipulate my laptop... you have only been dealing with computers for 3 yrs sweetheart... I think I got this thank you); as well as being a bit ego centric (loved taking photos of himself... and just himself... no one else...but I don't know if that is a cultural thing or not... gotta go to Haiti for that one).

Speaking of which, I just got my passport (yeh!) Only took a week and a few days. It was awesomeness. Now I am ret to go all around the world.

My back up plans (in case Denmark falls through)... Zero, Nill, None. I need to get on the ball and start looking for a job somewhere. Anyone know of a nice place that I would like to live? I'm outtie

Monday, August 18, 2008

So here's the thing...

So I was sent an email.
Apparently, there is a contest that he feels I should submit for.
The E.ssence Short Story Contest.
First prize? $1,000 and being published in one of their issues.
Here's the thing...
I've never finished any of the stories that I've written
Actually, most of them were created in this space (the blog world)
Never to be more than just a moment in time when my mind flowed easily
But when I revisit those works, it is challenging to continue its initial energy.
A suggestion from a friend:
Start something new.
I know I should.
But damn... I'm feeling so
My cousin has been here for the last week and a half or so.
It's the first time I've ever met him.
I'm going to admit- HE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES!
Ok, I said it.
Now I will cast it aside and be a good host...riiiight.
I'll post on him and give you the full scoop when his visit has ended
I went from missing kisses to going nuts.
Too many in too short of a time frame.
I'm actually starting to become irritated with the experience.
(Not the actual kissing, but the men behind them).
Maybe I need to go back to my drought and just enjoy the friendships.
Cause this shyt is honestly getting old.
Wow, really?
Did I really have such a weekend?
It was great.
Hung out with family (Happy Birthday to my Sis in Law!)
Hung out with friends (Love you Lala!)
Hung out with coworkers (Congrats on the new baby!)
And now I'm watching the Olympics (all about that track and field)
Have a great first day of school Roxy and Stace!
Don't let those kids run you to the

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm going to miss...

This chapter is closing and I am truly sad.
There is something incredibly amazing about children and their love and even with these children (autistic children), who don't always look you in the eye, or who completely ignore you, or don't use the language they have to express themselves because tantruming is easier, who are obsessive compulsive and need to have everything a certain way, or are just plain annoying... they love immensely. I have gotten the sweetest hugs, and the grandest expressions of appreciation through just the utilization of words rather than tantruming. I've seen wonderful improvements and I've experience something that will definitely go down in my books. Here's the thing... It makes me think about my career choice. The direction I've put myself on... to work with adults and help people regain what is lost. I have always wondered which was worse... to have the abilities and lose them, or to have to be taught skills deliberate and effortfully because you don't have what the rest of the world does. I choose adults because I felt that making a differences in their world would be realized and understood and appreciated...AND they would work hard for themselves too... because we ALL know, kids have a tough time caring about developing skills and sometimes they completely ignore you. I mean, the adult population I've chosen to deal with has alot of similarities with kids since they too don't really listen, but if they do get a clue...they put the effort in guns blazing and the effect on their lives are felt and appreciated. But with kids, you are changing the trajectory of their lives and so it is harder to feel the difference (for them). They (especially the autistic population) don't really have a full understanding of how MUCH they are getting from therapy and how significant it impacts their lives (over years... I do feel they grasp the significance in their daily worlds)... which made me feel as though their would be a lack of effort. And what I learned this summer? There is a lack of You have to push them the ENTIRE time and make them do what you KNOW is best... and in some instances, you have to educate the parent because even they don't always know what is best and need some direction. But I loved it. Because of the little hands the held mine when I told a child to come with me, or the eye contact that was finally made on the first call of their name, or the tickling fingers that wanted to give you the same joy that you give them when you tickle. It made me think of being a mother. And my mother who didn't get the chance to finish the job. And hoping that I get the chance to finish what she started...

See... my fear of never falling in love and being with someone who REALLY loves me is rooted in the desire to be a mother. I want that chance... and when people tell me I have all the time in the world, I can't help but think of my mother... who didn't and it brings me to the stark reality that maybe...just maybe, I might not either. We are all mortal and living in the moment while planning for tomorrow is a rule of thumb (not living for tomorrow...because it may not arrive). And this summer gave me the opportunity to be love...REALLY loved, even though I wasn't always the good guy. I wasn't always tickle fighting and giving in to their requests or being sweet and loving. I was sometimes (actually more often than not) saying no to what they wanted and making them do things they really didn't want to do and putting them in timeout for not following directions. I was all the high with all the low and they loved me regardless... I get smothered with hugs and found when tears appear because things aren't going great and I bring them the most comfort. And that love is a borrowed love. Because none of those kids are mine (in the sense that I am not their therapist and they will not be continuing with me). And that taste of hugging someone so small who turns to you with joy when it is said that autistic children don't do things like that and smile at the very sight of you (again something they don't supposedly do) and who trust you unconditionally with their weakest and most tender moments... and who don't care about being in their most vulnerable position with you; who are untainted by life's hard blows. It makes me crave for the day when I will have a little person who is born from me... And who will be with me and love me for as long as they can.

I'm getting emotional... I may have to come back to this... or maybe I'll just leave it at this... but regardless... it has been posted. Another mental put on paper for all the world to see

Thursday, August 7, 2008

How did I get here?

I felt the pressure of his hands against my skin cells which tingled with anticipation of the experience of it all. Those hands coursed their way from my shoulder to my fingers in a kneading and needing fashion, blueprinting the pressure of his outer most extremities into the striads of my musculature. During this, he kept my gazed locked in a sitting position right next to the window exposing the ever complicated constellations of his make up. This man confused me every single day, but I couldn't free myself from being mesmerized by the beauty of each uniquely placed starlike element of his essence. My hands found a home upon his waistline and he took his thumb to draw across the line which formed my jaw, stopping at the base of my hairline and pulling me in for that solitary kiss...

When lips become fused
and thoughts become heady
Shallowed breathing erupts
While searching tongues tease
Heat rises and scents are exchanged
His breath is my breath
and he tastes like me
I bite down on his lower lip
and a moan spills into my mouth
Aggression builds
chasing after a slowly formed sexy smile
Hunger explodes exponentially
and a kiss is no longer a kiss
Because hands touch
and bodies press
and language is exchanged
through wide open pores
seeping dopamine from him to me
pushing adrenaline

How did I get here?

Fiction by Desy

More Randomness

~Ok, so I'm really tired (after a long day of nothing of course).

~I went to a brain injury meeting where my teacher was and we further discussed Denmark. He said he would email since I seem to be really sure that I want to do this (which I am at this point).

~ I went and got my passport today. I looked at the old one I had (issued 1992) and I must admit, I was a damn good looking little girl...hahahaha. But I was happy to discover the price was much lower than I'd anticipated

~Since I've been digging through my crap with this time that I have now, I found notes that classmates had passed to me from middle and high school. Don't even ask me why I keep shyt like that, but it was so good to read the five second notes that were always focused on either this boy, that boy, or how someone was mad at me for having a big mouth

~ I found my elementary report cards also... guess what the running theme was... Desy is a delightful student to have; however she needs to work more on her listening skills and following directions (aka. your daughter talks to much and needs to get that ish under control)... Even then I was a talker...hahaha

~Yeh! Roxy is back for JA and I must admit that I missed her tremendously. Nothing like having your best friend in the world back in rotation after a month of MIA ness... only to be greeted by my discussion of potentially going to Denmark... But whatever, for now that's all talk and she's here so life is good

~ My stepmom's nephew is coming tomorrow. She has never met him (he came from Haiti 3 yrs ago and we haven't traveled to Boston in the last 3 yrs). I pray to God he is 21... She's unsure and I didn't hound her about it... but he's here for 2wks and I cannot imagine what we will do together if he isn't legal...

~ I cannot believe that I have made it 24 yrs and 6months without having sex. It really astounds me sometimes. Especially when I think of all the times when I could have and didn't... I don't even know why I didn't except that I wasn't in a relationship with any of them, so it kept me from it... Maybe one day I'll do a full out analysis post on why I'm still in such pristine

*deuces up* I'm out fam...

Friday, August 1, 2008


~ I have realized that she is just too selfish to be called friend. To call me out of the blue to vent about what is going on with her newly abusive situation while attempting to justify her dumb decisions makes me regret picking up the phone at all... 4 solid years of me investing and she accepting has really hit its wall... I just need to 'stop being polite, and start getting real'...

~ He offered a possibility that I have no idea how to measure. A chance to work in Den.mark (the country, not the city) when I graduate. I don't even know if he was being forserious, but the very offhanded mention of it makes me think 40times over about it. It sounds so appealing, scary, overwhelming, and just plain right that I can't imagine not seeking into it and finding out if it is actually something I can really do...

~ I feel stronger, sadder, and more excited about my world than I have in a long time. I'm done with classes for the rest of my graduate career, and the only thing stopping me from my degree is my full time internship (which should be amazing). But with the end of school comes the end of a era... friends made, projects required, documents written, and the whole experience of being in school again is over. Being around people who were in my same boat- a rare experience. Not too many people go through what you go through at the very same time that you go through it and it was nice to be around that for the last 1.7 yrs.

~ We aren't friends. I live in this hope that we are, but I know deep down that it is a passing fling that will dissipate with a stiff wind of something more. Because friendships don't feed the soul the way romance does... The dedication, the effort, the time, and the simple consistency of an easy friendship gets pushed aside for the possibility of something greater. Everyone says I'll be the same when I get in a relationship. I know I won't. I am too aware of what it feels like to be the one discarded... but, I know that I am cared for without the actions behind it... I just don't know what I to do with someone who says they care...or expects me to know it

~ I am so glad that we worked together this summer. Our friendship has strengthened and grown into something I never would have imagined (if you had asked me in the beginning). We have always been cool, but man... you are really wonderful and I know that you will live out those dreams that seem to be hard to grasp... I truly believe it...

~ I miss the way it feels to be kissed. The way hands grope and skin tingles and tongues dance. I miss the way bodies feel when they search for that exact alignment where the fit is indescribably perfect. But I don't miss the disappointment of faded phone calls and effortless talkers.

~ Tonight, out to happy hour with the group I met last week and my friend from work. Time to celebrate the end of classes for life (unless Ph D calls to me too strongly) Now I can get back to my regular blog lifestyle... yeh!!!! Have a great weekend fam