Thursday, January 31, 2008

I'm an Aquarius

I have read many things about the Aquarian mind and I guess since this is my space, I am gonna list some of the most interesting things that I have found over the last few years...

Aquarians basically possess strong and attractive personalities. They fall into two principle types: one shy, sensitive, gentle and patient; the other exuberant, lively and exhibitionist, sometimes hiding the considerable depths of their character under a cloak of frivolity.

I am the a little bit of both, but more so the second personality. I enjoy living life to the very fullest of its potential. I have been known to do some outragous and unpredictable things and I definately consider myself an exhibitionist... I am one who definately caters to her man - lap dance and all...

They are usually honest enough to change their opinions, however firmly held, if evidence comes to light which persuades them that they have been mistaken.

People have such a hard time letting go of their own convictions even when presented with imperical information that clearly contradicts (yes, I'm talking to you Pres.ident B.ush). I just find that with openness comes true wisdom, and as a women, wisdom should be within the description of me...

Both types are humane, frank, serious minded, genial, refined, sometimes ethereal, and idealistic, though this last quality is tempered with a sensible practicality. They are quick, active and persevering without being self-assertive, and express themselves with reason, moderation and sometimes, a dry humor.

Dry humor... me? Well... maybe... haha. I enjoy people who make observations that few people would with an accompaning quick wit- I want my life to have a running commentary of quotable moments between myself and my other. I made a pact with my brother a long time ago that I wanted to be laughing for 80% of my life... I think I might be around 66% currently, but with an addition of another, I could well surpass my initial goal...

Both types need to retire from the world at times and to become temporary loners. They appreciate opportunities for meditation or, if they are religious, of retreats. Even in company they are fiercely independent, refusing to follow the crowd.

I was riding in the car with my dad on my way to my first day of 6th grade at my white majority middle school. Before letting me walk into an entirely new world filled with ENTIRELY different people, my father gave me advice that I have always followed: "Be your own person. Don't try to be anything that you aren't, and love every inch of yourself for being just what you are- my daughter." With that comment, he fortuitously adjusted the track of my life. Instead of following, I lead; and I never became something I wasn't already- my father's daughter, strong, educated, and loved.

The more extrovert kind of Aquarian may contain an intensely magnetic, forthcoming and open personality as well as have a desire to help humanity.

Ok, sooooo do you find yourself being pulled in to me??? haha
I do have a tendency of making people pay attention when they didn't really know they wanted to. But few stick around (people are fickle), which makes me fiercly appreciative of those who have maintained a steady role in my life. And I'm a speech therapist working with stroke patients that have lost their pre-stroke communicative status and my whole goal is to get them back to a place where they can enjoy their lives again... if that aint humanitarian, I dont know what

They do not give themselves easily - perhaps their judgment of human nature is too good for that - and are sometimes accounted cold. But once they decide that someone is worthy of their friendship or love, they can exert an almost hypnotic and irresistible mental attraction on them and will themselves become tenacious friends or lovers, ready to sacrifice everything for their partners and be faithful to them for life. However, they are sometimes disappointed emotionally because their own high personal ideals cause them to demand more of others than is reasonable. And if they are deceived their anger is terrible. If disillusioned, they do not forgive.

On the arts and humanities side their progressive tendencies can be expressed in writing, especially poetry.


It cannot be denied that I am an Aquarian mind. I just don't know if there is someone out there that will want this mind and body as one to lay next to forever. I sure hope so...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Are you fuhreal?

What can I say about the G.irls C.lub. ESPECIALLY Ta.nisha and her twisted ass crew: aka the hyenas...

Digression- What the hell is up with this chick and her eye brows? Why does it have to be THAT arched? Every time she talks, I become distracted by those two triangles on her forehead...wooh....I know that was wrong, but I just couldn't help but express my confusion with her face)

Anyway- every Tuesday night, I find myself in front of my television set at 10pm waiting for the drama that Ta.nisha and her crew will create. This woman astounds me, mostly because she has a man waiting for her back at home (heresay). This ireful woman knows nothing of being soft spoken, kind, patient, easy going... I mean...DAMN! She got a man?!? And actually, most of them do. It really throws me. They're peeing in sinks, spittin in community orange juice, walking around panty-less after an alcoholics wet dream (aka a drunken night), pouring milk on one another, makin fun like bullying is the mature thing to do, ranting, screaming, arguing, all before the first cup of coffee. Where do they find these people so that I can STAY AWAY... Don't they know that they are on TV? My father would clean snatch me through the screen if I got up there and acted even 1/5th of the way these women did. Hell, he would snatch me if I was in the same room as these women. But I'll be damned if this stuff isn't entertaining.

Digression- I've seen so much in the blogosphere about the political scenerio that we got goin on right now... but can we talk about that State of the Union Address by our fearless leader. Question: WHAT country was he talkin about? His stupidity ASTOUNDS me... even now. And can we get it right...?.... the word is pronounced NU-KLEE-ER, not NUKLER... It's the speech therapist in me... I can't take it

Monday, January 28, 2008

Given it up...

The vid has nothing to do with the post, but I really like this one... Hope you enjoy!

I never understood or will ever understand the need to give up (sacrifice) for Lent. I don't get it. I know everyone and their cousin tells me that it's a representation... but my question is; of what? Does God really sit there and say "That's wonderful my child. Each year you maintained a state of abnegation therefore proving your loyalty to me. For this, I am entirely grateful." Now why don't I see that happening, especially if throughout the midst of this symbolic buffonary, I am still partaking in debauchery that can only be described as "Really? You're doing that?" I just don't see why it matters so. Part of me believes it is to satisfy peers. In a sense, you are proving to the person next to you that you are just as dedicated to the word as (s)he is and you are putting your actions where your mouth is. But me being as self absorbed as I am comes to the logical thinking of ~ why should I care about what you think? This is between me and my God. Never have I ever felt during deep prayer that the removal of something (trivial) will do anything to strengthen my relationship with the Most High, nor have I ever felt that if I didn't engross myself in the traditions of Lent would I be cast aside from the kingdom. So why does it continue? Why is it so important to PROVE love and loyalty to Him through this kind of ritual? I mean, maybe if it was an adjustment made for the rest of your life, I could understand it a little more (like those who refrain from the consumption of PIG and all it's products), but Lent feels like a fad and who cares about those. I don't know... It's just a thought that I was thinking, and now I'm done...

Saturday, January 26, 2008

That nigga I call my friend

I was in the blogosphere today, reading, thinking, and actually commenting for once... Usually I am just on that intake tip, but I guess it's time to do some real output... Thus a moment of reminiscing.

"What?" I knew what he was gonna say, but I had that facial that dared him to actually say it.
"Who the hell was that?" I only responded with a shrug
"Oh, you're not gonna tell me?" I just looked at him.

"I'm confused. Didn't you tell me that you didn't want nothing from me since you couldn't lay pipe? Why are you getting upset?" Me, continuing to avoid the answer threw out a question that I knew he wasn't ready to answer.

"You're avoiding the answer." Damn. That's why I liked him so much. He could see into me in a way that few did. It really got on my nerves though... Especially in moments like these.

"He's a friend"
"Like I'm a friend?"
"No, he's a different kind of friend"
"What kind of friend is that?"
"An old friend."
"A friend that you had something with?"
"Why is that any of your business?"
"Because I'm makin it so"

It was around 11:45pm and I ran into him coming out of the movies with my homeboy from high school. See, me and my homeboy are real affectionate and showed each other love on all kinds of levels, from holding hands, to deep hugs, and even from time to time, real kisses (not those ones shared by siblings). That relationship, however, had never escalated into anything more... for many many reasons. Fortunately, our honesty with one another made our friendship stick, even with distance and opposing schedules. But the 'right now' in my saga of men had come across me in a spine twisting laughing fit caused by my homeboy right as we were leaving and he was entering the theatre. He caught my eye, and I just waved thinking nothing of it... Until I saw his expression. It was raw and out in the open, which I definately did NOT expect. My homeboy, seeing this exchange, gave me a kiss (on the cheek) and a hug telling me he would call me later, knowing that I would probably want to talk. As he walked off, 'right now' made his way over to where I was standing.

I took a deep breath
"Look, I told you from jump what the situation was with me. You told me that you couldn't handle it and I understood. Half the time, most guys walk away the moment they hear my status, but you... you stuck around even though you knew you weren't gonna get any because you felt that you would be cool bein my friend.
Then we kissed... I knew that I shouldn't have put you in that situation, but I am a human being and I'm single and I do what I want for the most part. And honestly, you put yourself in that position and you accepted it without any complaints. But you maintained your stance on not wanting anything more than a friendship. So we're friends, and as friends, you saw me out with another guy. It doesn't matter who that was. Who do YOU really want to be to me is the real question?"

I was met with silence.

"Look, he's a friend that I've had for a very long time. We are just friends. This is far more than you deserve, but I told you I would never front, lie, or hide. So you asked and I'm tellin."

I began walking away cause I was essentially done with this situation.

"I'm officially confused."

I stopped, turned and looked at him. He had a facial that I didn''t quite understand.

"Confused about what?"
"About what I'm feelin."

I shrugged.

"Figure it out and get back to me."

I've dealt with one male situation after another and I can honestly say, that was the most honest any man has ever been with me. But I think that was only possible because he was really self aware and understood his motives very well. For whatever reason, most men don't really self reflect enough to fully understand what they want or don't want clear enough to explain it to someone else. Unfortunately, he never really got it together... In the end, he just went through the motions until he found a woman he could understand himself with. I don't really talk to him anymore... but I sometimes wonder about what would have happened if I had given in on the decision to maintain that sex free status. I actually think about that every time a situation with a guy goes sour...

What is better? I don't know if I'll ever know... I've been essentially single for 23 years, and I'm no closer to knowing if what I'm doing is the Right thing than when I first made it back in high school.

"Stay until you are in love- then move like you have never moved before"- I have yet to do so...

Friday, January 25, 2008

Words turn me on..

I have come to the realization that an educated mind filled with extensive vocabulary is my greatest weakness when it comes to a man. That- and his ability to turn a situation into the most intellectually sarcastic and humorous story makes me into a prepubescent teen with a crush.

I'm a speech therapist so it's only natural that I have this fascination with words and language, but if I pick up one more academic book I am going to scream. I feel as though I am in a place of hating to read, write, learn. Isn't that horrible? Especially since I am spending so much damn money to do just that. I just miss doing it for the love.

Poetry was, is, and forever will be my addiction. The way a person conveys life through rhyme and style leaves me speechless. It inspires me to create:

It reigns in my ears, the cadence of his call so richly affecting the depth of my breath that I forget… to inhale. He has yanked the sustenance that upholds me and has hidden it away in the bends of his veins. I have been weakened by his assault satiated on his viciousness to consume me. His pillage of my essence is quiet and controlled as if he rehearsed the exploration, or better yet, had done it in times before these. Unyieldingly he grinds his existence into the arch of my back, the curve of my smile, the length of my stride, so that each angle of me reflects him. You would think I would cry out against the invasion; however the continuity of his cruel incursion has become a dull hum against my flesh never forgotten but barely felt. I welcome it as if I were a sadistic cretin and my pleasure lie within the surface of my pain. I am engrossed in his tactics, captivated in his manner to nourish me in his act to engulf all within the same beat. The ferociousness of his constant raid is illuminated in his eyes which now reflect me. You see, it is not only he who indulges in his greed to feed because me; I do the same as he to create that something beautiful that only can be done by two: WE.

But I don't get to do it as much anymore because I am sucked dry by academics. I've lost my creative hunger and I don't know how to get it back... Is it December yet (month of graduation)?...

Saturday, January 5, 2008


A situation like this could only happen to a girl like me.... And now I'm left wondering what the hell am I suppose to say. Here's the scenerio:

I was out my damn mind. I wanted to dance and flirt and have a good time, meet new people, and let loose cause it had been a while for me... So Ant.i.gua, the spot to be on a Friday night here in Orlando was were I needed to be. Went out with some homeboys of mine so that I didn't have to worry about keeping track of anyone and could focus on just dancing and havin a good time...

Well I did. In fact, I met someone there that I REALLY liked. He was real aggressive and all about having me by his side; not wanting to let me go check on my friends, or even leave to get some air. No, he was intense and passionate and wanted me next to him... So when it was time for me to bounce, he of course asked for my number and promised to call...

But he didn't.

So I keep keeping on, trying to understand the inner workings of a man, when I get this phone call on Thursday. Don't recognize the number, so I don't pick up. I listen to the message and it's some dude that is telling me that he met me last night.

Really? How is that possible when I didn't go out last night?

So of course, I call him back from my job to see what the hell is up, cause I most definately cannot wait until the end of the day.


"Hey, you just called my phone"

"Is this Ingrid?"

"Yeah, who is this?"

"Oh this is (insert name here), you met me last night. I had on the gray sweater"

"You didn't meet me last night"

"No? Are you sure?"

"Yeah I'm sure. I didn't go out last night. The last time I was out was Friday."

"Where did you go on Friday"


"Oh, well that's where you met me."

"No, cause I don't recognize your name."

"Well then it must've been my homeboy (insert name). He had my phone on him that night."

"Oh, ok. Well you should tell him that you got my number in your phone, cause he seemed real serious about knowing me..."

"Yeah? Well, Ion't know about dat. You sound real sexy. Maybe I want to keep you for myself."

I laugh "Yeah, well, no. Give him my number and tell him to call"

We hang up and all is cleared up... Well, he ends up calling me again telling me that he passed on the message and then proceeded to begin a conversation with me (which I found to be rather odd, but whatever). I end up cutting it a little short, stating that I had work in the morning and needed my rest (it was around midnight when he called)

Then yesterday, I get another call on my phone I don't recognize and a message was left. Lo and behold, it's Mr. Cutie from the club. I called him back from the office and we talked for a bit, laughing over the scenerio that just occurred and a suggestion from him for me to call him later. I did and we spoke further... I had plans to attend a movie (solo) and if he was up to it, he could feel free to join me... He said he would think about it and hit me up later

Between the time he call me back and the movie, his homeboy called me once again tryin to see if I was still going to go out. I told him about the movie thing and told him Mr. Cutie thought about maybe joining me. As we spoke (for about 2 min) he said that it was his friend now and he would call me later. I dismissed it and went to get ready... Well, as I was about to leave, I ended up calling Mr. Cutie since I hadn't heard anything and told him that I was just gonna head out there and that maybe another time would be better... He suggested calling me after the movie let out and tryin to link up then, which my only response was "maybe".

Well after the movie, I did get a phone call: From the friend.

At this point, I'm a little confused and ready to be done with this situation, but I feel as though I have so little information about Mr. Cutie that I don't want to completely blow him off. I just don't understand what's up with the friend.

Well, the friend calls me again today. And I entertain the conversation for a bit

"Hey, whatchu doin"

"Just a home, chillin"

"You mind if I come over"

"Don'tchu know that I'm interested in your homeboy?"

"Yeah, but I asked him how he felt about me calling and he was like 'it's cool, do you'. I mean, he don't get down with black girls like that anyway. He tends to mess with white chicks.

"Oh really.."

"Yeah, so I'm sayin..."

"Ummmm, Can I call you back?"

WHAT THE FUCK!?! I tried to get in touch with Mr. Cutie, but he's not home and apparently does not have a cell phone, so I'm left not knowing what the fuck to feel.

And the idiot friend. As a black man talking to a black woman, did you really think THAT was the way to get me interested in you... by saying that ya boy is not. How stupid ARE YOU?! AHHHHHHHHH

I hate being single...