Thursday, December 25, 2008

Graduation and more

Can you guess which one I am? Those were just some of the girls I graduated with from the speech program. From left to right, Danielle, Nicole, Adair, ummmmm, Christina and me. I took a quick pic with Jackie after the ceremony (her dad is a photo marksman-lol). Overall, the ceremony was too long and too boring except for the moment that they gave a woman who had been murdered the masters degree she had worked so hard for but didn't live to receive (presented to her husband). Truthfully, I think the bachelors is the only 'ceremony' that is worth going to (unless your family insists). What is so funny is that I remember eyeballing the master's hoods when I was in undergrad and wanted to rock one- but as a masters, I was eagle eyein the doctoral robes and am ready to be in those shoes... eventually. For now, I'm just glad it's over cause I'm a bit tired of being the procrastinating responsible graduate student.
Right now, I'm laying on this futon with my parents downstairs and my brudder and sis in law in sandiago,cali (5am wake up call for me- aint it grand bein a chauffeur) and I am just reveling. I don't know if I will ever again in my life have time (and I mean TIME) to just sit around and be lazy, but the time between graduation and when my license comes in is and forever will be the most carefree time of my life. I'm (unfortunately) tied up traveling down south and shopping for apartment stuff; but I'm officially taking a break from that for the next week or so. I'm going to just enjoy doing NOTHING...
Merry Christmas to all!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Coming up for Air

I only have a moment before I crash.

I've been shopping, and traveling, and contracting, and so many other things...

And tomorrow is back to MY NEW APARTMENT! to take measurements for everything. Then I have to be at graduation at 7:30AM! on Tues- shoot me in the face...

Then I have a date on Wednesday with a super cute Blockbuster guy that hooks me up with free DVDs! And possible dinner with friends I've collected through my graduate career for festivities and farewells...

I'm exhausted.

Night night

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Done and Done!

I submitted my final clinical hours and met with the graduate counselor for review of my grades today.

and...It's official.

I can now sign my name with M.A. CF-SLP after it from now on....

On to the formalities.

Graduation day: December 16, 2008 at 9:00am


Monday, December 8, 2008

A Sunday Morning to Remember

My sister in law is officially gangster.

Here's the story:
My brother went out of town to visit some friends in Miami and my sis in law (sil) decided to stay home. Well, towards the end of my brother's little vakay, he decided that instead of returning home in the daylight, he would return home in the middle of the night (cause he knew she would be there alone). Soooo, he hopped in his car at 2:00ish am and started the road to home. Meanwhile, sil is sleeping soundly at home. As my brother gets close to the house (at around 5:30am), he calls her to let her know that he has arrived early. Amazingly, she is so sound asleep that she does not hear her cellular phone. He opens the garage, enters the house- which sets off the alarm. This immediately wakes up sil and she flies to the house phone and calls the police, informing them that someone has broken in. My brother turns off the alarm, but just as that occurs, sil opens the window setting off the alarm once again. He tries to reset it again; meanwhile his wife is still on the phone with the police crawling out onto the roof of the garage. She thinks for one moment assessing the situation, and then jumps the 7.5 to 8 feet to the ground below (feet landing in mulch, hands and face landing on sidewalk). She begins screaming at the top of her lungs, running at top speed to the neighbors unaware of her broken wrist, badly damaged elbow, and bloody nose (not broken thankfully). My brother, hearing the screams, rushes out of the house to let his fully distressed wife know that it is just him. Interestingly, the neighbors never come out, but sil hears my brother and immediately feels like an idiot. He panics at the sight of her bloodied face and hands and awkwardly positioned arm. He rushes her inside to clean her up as the police arrive to investigate what exactly happened. Following all this amazingness, my brother joins my sil in her feelings of idiocy due to her inquisition into why he did not call the house phone....

All and all, they both felt a little upset about the whole thing. I on the other hand laughed a bit thinking 'She did WHAT?!'. But in retrospect, if it had been an intruder, she did the very best thing.

All I know is that my sis in law is officially gangster.

So I got a little irritated with the job offer from Palm Beach. She wanted to know every little detail of the offer in Melbourne in efforts to match what they were presenting. The thing is, if I wanted the offer in Melbourne so badly, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT. She adjusted some of the elements to her original offer to match theirs... which I didn't entirely mind when it came to salary (there was a $13,000 salary difference), but for other aspects I was a bit let down. Because she's a newly formed company, she didn't have PTO... but she offered time and a half after 35 hours of work. I felt that kinda balanced things out a bit (because the other company was time and a half after 40 hours). She stated that we could negotiate PTO as soon as she had the details of how they did their PTO. She doesn't have a 401K, life insurance, or disability; but she is a growing company and offered me opportunities to develop my skills in multiple settings as well as growth within her company (for promotions and such). She stated she covered health and dental 100% (no cost on my part); but she still wanted to know the percentage they were pulling from my checks to match that (I guess cause of the salary difference- who knows). I am unsure of whether or not I should have informed her of their salary and relocation number- but because there was such a difference I put it out there to see what she would say. She became OBSESSED with knowing how they were doing it, wanting the written contract so that she could review it with a fine tooth comb. I told her I could not, and would not provide her the minute details... I just gave her the overview (which was listed on their website) and told her that truthfully, I hoped that she didn't attempt to try to offer the same as this nationwide company that had far more resources that she (because she would fail- which I did not say). I did say that I wanted her to offer me the best that SHE could offer me and let me compare the differences and what worked best for me. Truthfully, if they are both the same, she will not win and I wanted to tell her that, but I didn't. The perks she offered me BEFORE she became so consumed with knowing how they paid me so much in salary appealed to me just as much as the salary did for the larger company. *sigh*. She is getting back to me today with her formal offer. Hopefully she brings back some of those old perks and keeps true to what she can do rather than trying to match the other company, cause at the end of the day, if their offer was what I wanted, I would have taken it already and no longer entertained her.

PS. Me and the boyfriend had a talk. He admitted to not being himself, trying desperately to make me happy (which makes me miserable) and not staying true to himself. I told he that label really ruined us and it needed some adjusting so that he would stop feeling so pressured to treat me the way he did. He agreed. label, but still working things out to get back there.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Two Job Offers and a Breakup

I went on my second interview yesterday. I really thought that I was going to accept the position in Melbourne... I mean, it's with a friend who raves about it. It has really good potential and I can see myself being financially cool. But this other job in Palm Beach Gardens (Jupiter) is no joke either. The owner (who was the one interviewing me) REALLY wants me, and she's not pulling any punches about it either. I mean damn- what is a girl to do? The blessings are running over and I'm feeling unworthy... but I will work hard to prove to myself that God didn't make any mistakes by showing me favor the way He has... cause obviously, He doesn't need any All I know is either way, Desy is moving south and all by my

In the last post, I kinda expressed the issues of my relationship toooo...ummmm.... well, not accurately enough. I got a bit of clarification on it... but essentially, my feelings haven't changed. I'm not happy even though he is a wonderful guy.

Ironically, my dad inquired about how my boyfriend felt about me moving, and my mother piped up from the couch to let him know that i was ending the romantic portion of the relationship. I explained it to my dad and he didn't understand... He didn't understand why I'm not elated that I have someone who is willing to bend backwards for me. It can be challenging explaining it, but honestly, it is an issue, cause when I do give examples, and really explain it... the people around me understand and support... so I know I'm not being irrational here.

But I'm digressing... my dad then asked me about how he was with his family and his finances... that made him readjust his mentality on me sticking through the relationship. My dad goes right to the heart of the surface stuff and makes that part of a priority... I have a tendency of looking at that later, but I knew that as our relationship continued, his family affairs and finances would become something of a concern... but I won't air it here. All I know is that the break up is happening... When it's gonna happen is still up for debate. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't genuinely like the guy and think that he is wonderful. He really is.... he's just not for me.

Monday, December 1, 2008


*huge sigh*

There. I said it.

I know that I'm gonna hear something from those who have read some of my past posts about men and who still actually keep up with my new adapted sporatic blog nature, but I HAVE to write about this.

I cannot do this boyfriend thing any longer.

If I were to look at a check list of things that would make a man great, my boyfriend would clean up. He is absolutely everything a girl could ever ask for. Sweet, considerate, understanding, sensitive, affectionate, employed, fit, and the list goes on. Any girl would be lucky to have a man like him.

But he's too nice for me. The mushy stuff, the 'anything you want', 'how can i make you happy' kinda stuff really is NOT for me. I mean, a girl likes to hear that she's beautiful... but ALL the time?! How am I suppose to feel when I really do make an effort to look beautiful and you call me that... It's just another comment.

And truthfully, I know what a wonderful guy he is. I mean, honestly... He is just the cream of the crop. It's rare to find someone like him.. so genuine, honest, and so willing to please.

But I need something different. I am finally starting to step out of the ideals of what I might want in a relationship, and moving into the things I KNOW I don't.

1 day to go for my internship, 15 days before graduation, and a month or so before beginning some job I'm SUPER excited for my life to finally start beginning... all alone, in an apartment... with no family, no friends.... and just me myself and I....

A damn good first kiss...
I felt the air around my skin shift to give space to my newly developing goose bumps. The shallowing of my breath left me feeling as though I had drowned in an unexplainable pool of anticipation. Dark and murky, my vision was blurred and I couldn't help but claw at myself to make sure I was still here. I allowed myself to become lost in those dark pools of midnight and became further buried in the contours of each magnificent fleck that danced at the sight of me. His first sight of me. Though words had never been exchanged between his lips and my ear, my lips and his ear, our bodies fell in the comfortable dialogue of lustful longing as though it had been rehearsed. I hated the betrayal. He wasn't suppose to know his affect. But the smile that lined his smooth mouth expressed his knowledge of my form and all her messages with a blind certainty. It unnerved and excited me all within the span of my abbreviated inhalation. His scent, so rich and warm, danced along my nostrils into my lungs, engaged in a sensuous tango with arteries and veins, grinding its steps into the rhythm of my heart. As I exhaled, I could taste his dance on my buds and my tongue reveled in the newness of its flavor. He moved himself into me, placing a solitary hand on the small of my back and the other against the bar I rest against.... and before I could protest; his lips introduced mine to the art of contact and with each brush stroke of the tongue, the picture became evident: This was a damn good first kiss....

Fiction by Desy

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Fine! I'll do a REAL

- *Taking a moment to hum Hail to the Chief- neo soul style* - I did the most glorious happy dance when Bobama won.... and in tru Forrest Gump fashion- 'That's all I've got to say about that'

- It's been close to 2 months (the 19th). Thankfully, neither of us are monthiversary people, so I am ecstatic about that, but it doesn't mean I don't keep How in all the world did I not push away this man... It astounds me every time I think about it. I mean, I can be rather difficult... and mildly argumentative.... and possibly to anal (double negatives in spoken language that is not surrounded by other typical African American vernacular BOTHERS me.... )
(But maybe I'm cute enough to overcome some of my faults...*giggle*)

- I have started the Twi.light series, and I can understand the obsession with the upcoming movie. These books are about 600 pgs... I've read 2 in 2.5 days, and I'm moving through book 3 with the pace of a freight train...

- I want to have a blog picnic. You know, where some of us are sitting around and just catching up... but because I've been a little sporatic with my reading, a 'blog dialogue' about a group picnic would be tough to pull out of my That and I kind of want a real one. Just to throw my life a curve ball... The routine is killing me.

-I don't understand why you have to dance in a BODY SUIT... I mean... Can you really say that a vid in black and white with you and 2 other girls shakin the shyt outta yourselves is artistic liberty? Forget get me bodied... I need to figure out how to get YOUR body...(well not really for me, but I know there are women out there that feel that way).

- I'm down to my last oreo...The TRAVESTY!...

- I haven't talked to my friend Roxy in a minute... (since a little after the dinner for the boyfriend and friends). The thing is, I felt like I was being a nuisance. Every time I called her, she was with her boyfriend (which is nothing too new), but I hated the breaks for 10-15min arguments they would have, or conversations they would have (adding her cousin) with each other, and me just being the electric device plastered to her ear that she doesn't really acknowledge... It happened twice and that was enough for me. Plus I think I'm getting to a place where I can't see myself being the major creator of plans/phone calls/hang outs forever... I WANNA retire. *sigh* I'll probably break... but I didn't today.

- Interning is outstanding, but I am SO ready to be done... honestly. I want to be graduated already.... As great as it is not to have an 'official' class, it really does feel the same as I get closer to the end. December 16th is approaching so swiftly that when I blink, I'll be there. Whose gonna celebrate with me?

- I feel myself changing and growing... and I think I like it. *smiling*... HAPPY HOUR FRIDAY here I come! What are you up to?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Writer/Reader Block

I haven't been in the mood.... Not really unique in the blogosphere... We all seem to experience shyt like that... Except for the veterans (Diva, Rashan, and the 365-Jameil...). But...ummm... I ain't the

Time to get creative: New Beginnings Part II (Part I here)

For most of the evening, they laughed and reminisced about the days of old that held moments of such potent feelings of joy that the fleeting experience left its trail mark. Moments shared by six, but now only remembered by four. She was the quietest that night to no one’s surprise, but the sadness didn’t seem to be settled in her eyes the way it had been when they’d first arrived. Instead, they flashed with light and possibilities, dancing at the stories told reliving emotions that hadn’t been experienced in the two weeks since his passing. Tonight was much like that night five years ago, except Jarrod had been the one corralling the group after losing Frankie. Ah Frankie, who hated it when anyone called her Frances. A spit fire red head who stuck out like a sore thumb. Jarrod had always been the one to give her the hardest time, but she never backed down, which had cause a deep resounding relationship to formulate and which had made her loss hit him with the most severity. For the most part, he had been the strength during those times; telling stories, laughing from what seemed like the soul, being the shoulder everyone needed. But he never seemed to require anything and refused to allow anyone to see his hurt. But she had known. And she had been there, quietly, strongly, patiently waiting until he took his turn to crumble. Eventually, the weight of the world could no longer be bared upon his perfectly chiseled shoulders, and about one month following Frankie’s death, Jarrod found himself standing in front of her door seeking comfort. It was in those hours, days, weeks, that her spirit had been felt within him and she had been able to ease away the edge of his pain with her gentle smile, rambling diatribes, and embracing touch. It was in those hours, days, weeks, that he had found that her love was not only the love of a friend, but so much more and he had finally recognized the potential of what they could be.

Hey, Alex and Jersey are asleep. You want to take a walk with me?’ Rocki pulled her out of the mental ravine with a sharp shoulder shake. She smiled her response and they whispered out of the still dimly light living room on socked footsteps.

The air was crisp and sharply hinted at the exquisite cold about to come. Silence blanketed their early morning walk as they took in the beauty of D.C. in the fall all around them. The sun, barely kissing the sky, still managed to push the black away, turn off the stars, and offer a glowing hum for those rise and shine joggers.

Did you know that I was jealous of the two of you for a long time?’ Rocki, not quite as blunt as Jersey, always found an interesting moment to air herself.


Because….,’ a shrug jarred their linking arms, ‘well, because you two were just so Monica and Chandler… Even when you argued, that shit wasn’t really an argument.

She chuckled a bit because there were those times when they had really had arguments. Overall though, Rocki was right. The personality of their friendship had lended itself to their relationship and had colored it beautifully. True arguments were few and far between, but by no means were they anything to be jealous of.

‘Well, I guess we were a bit ‘Friends’ like, but com’on. You know we would’ve killed each other if it hadn’t been for the great sex.’

Rocki let out a rich explosion of laughter and shook her head at such a sentence.

You are too much.’

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I am an egotist

Or so my supervisor (the male one) tells me.... but he says it's normal from someone my age who is achieving what I'm achieving... I just gotta keep it in check, cause in truth, that degree means shyt. It's what you do in your first year out that really matters.

I'm not gonna lie... I can be a bit self absorbed (HELLO! I have a blog for chrisakes). I sometimes think it's because I try to be as self aware as possible, but when it comes to being a speech therapist... I gotta leave me out of it. How challenging.... I find myself sometimes talking with my patients about me in hopes that I may be able to build a common ground; relate in some way, so that trust may/can be built and intervention can leap across benchmarks. WELLLLLL, that theory is completely a wrong one... and I've been wrong about alot of things in these last few days.

And that is entirely what a girl like me needs. I want to be the best, and I want to learn as much as I can to become the best... but with all of these different therapy styles, I definitely have a hard time seeing/knowing which method is the best or which one would work best for me. I'm truly at a loss. The worse thing about it is that I won't know that answer to the question for years (potentially).... In the mean time, I just kinda have to do my best to be a little less self aware in regards to what makes me tick, and more self aware as to how what I do affects the patient.

so...ummmm... how are you doing? is there anything you want to know? is there something you feel i should work on? take it seriously or not... i appreciate the read.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Random Fodder

My supervisor went on vacation for 2 days at my internship. Do I get a vacation? Sure don't. But the supervisor I have in the interim will force my independence and thinking skills. He is one who will let me fall and then later let me think about how or where I screwed up; and if I don't recognize my errors, he will guide me there and simply offers me the opportunity to rectify it later. For me... it's a better way to learn- but the supervisor I have is great too... it's just a different style. I'll make the most of my two days in the mean time.

Things are going well with the boyfriend. I realize I couldn't do the everyday bullshit at this point. Initially, yeah, but I needed to spread my alone wings just a bit after 12 out of 14 days of me and him time. Needing to miss him is vital for my sanity... and being single for so long REALLY amplifies that need beyond what regular girls might need. But he's understanding and he is feelin me more than I think I might

I love being at home with the parental units; but I am counting the end of those days. I want my own little piece of the world. I recognize these are the best years of my life in the financial standpoint (no rent, mortgage, accompanying bills, and grocery purchases); however, I can't do curfew's, asking permission, or conferencing for much longer... I'mma lose it. But the love I got for the parentals runs deep... so although I don't want to live with them... I could get down with living next door (lol). Of course, that will not be an option, but I'm just sayin.

My blog family has become smaller and more infrequent. Ironically, unlike other bloggers I've experienced in my time as a semi consistent blogger, I'm actually ok with the 'every now and then' commentary from those I consider to be fam... and the reduced number of my 'comment' section. The fact that I still get on this computer and write down whatever whenever and visit who I WANT to visit (not who comes to visit me) tells me that I am still being a true to my heart blogger and just doin it cause I still enjoy it. And when I'm done, then I'll just stop posting. No goodbye, no warning.... just a regular post about regular things that forever stays on the top of my page....(ya'll can thank Rashan for that... he gave me the idea to end it that

I'm unsure if I'm going to watch this third debate. I've seen the previous 2 and although the second was far better than the first, I feel as though I am so comfortable with my political choice, that I don't know if I really feel like listening to these two men further continue to go on and on about all of their hypotheticals (cause that's all it is until it is put into action). I just feel like I'm observing the longest job interview ever and I'm just ready for some to fill the position already.

Speaking of filling the position... I won't be getting the dream job in ATL... They don't accept CFY's (clinical fellowship year). This is actually a post within itself, but a brief synopsis: following my graduation with my Masters in this profession, my first year or so out, I will STILL need to be supervised (not directly with each patient like right now, but sporatically) until the supervisor deems me to be clinically competent, earning my C's (certificate of clinical competency-CCC). And my dream job does not have someone who could oversee my fellowship year. Personally I think that's bullshit, but whatever.

My dad is a genius. I dropped my phone in the pool on Sunday and was completely discouraged. I had like 50 numbers in that damn phone that I didn't have memorized and no sim card to speak of (cause sprint don't get down like that). Anyway, my dad tells me to stick it in some dry rice. Dry rice? *face* - ok. Well.... my phone works beautifully after 24hrs of a rice bath. I would have NEVER thought of that shyt myself. He makes me feel stupid cause he's got more logic in his pinky than I will ever acquire across three lifetimes. And there is more evidence of this than just this experience, but this one was just another layer of icing to the already sweetened cake.

I'm out. See you soon fam....i leave you with neyo's new joint... i'mma be dere soon yo!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

His name is Jennifer

My friends are ridiculous. And NEVER on time! I set up a dinner for about 1o or so of my friends to meet up at the O.rlando A.le Ho.use. I said 7:00-7:30 knowing what I would be getting myself into with the people in my life. I figured the 'on time' ones would at LEAST be there around 8:00 and the 'late' ones would trickle in around 8:45 ish. So the boyfriend got there a bit before me and reserved 2 high tops next to each other (7:30). As we chatted, my 'most hilarious' male friend (joey) and his lady (steph) arrived (8:20). It was so interesting to hear about me via the eyes of joey cause he really put it ALL out there (aka. calling me the 21st century Huxtable). He called me out in my mothering nature: correcting people's speech and inaccurate language use (I'm a speech's what I do!; but I should rein it in a bit I guess); my blunt nature: essentially being direct with the advice giving rather than sugar coating; and my authoritative nature: quoting 'tell me what happen without all the bullshit- go'... (for the record, I have NEVER said that, but I will admit, I do have moments of being a authoritative... but isn't that women in general?). 2 additional guy friends arrived following this discussion (alex and andy) and conversation evovled from discussions of me to discussion of ucf (our college) (8:55). Meanwhile, the additional table we reserved was taken....twice! (when one got taken, we got another, and then THAT one got taken). I was annoyed that at no point did anyone apologize, but I couldn't really be too pissed because we had plenty of room for the people who had arrived and I had no idea when the additional 3 invitees would be arriving. It can be challenging to get a table reservations for people who hadn't arrived 2 hours after the 'event' began. I figured we'd get it situated when they did arrive. I payed alot of attention to the boyfriend (who was affectionately touching my leg under the table...awww) and he seemed to be enjoying my friends. 2 high tops opened across the way of where we were and we all got up and moved. It was actually a better set up and right as that happen, the prodical best friend arrived with her boyfriend and cousin (9:45 ish). That's when things REALLY got interesting. Conversation got louder and more outlandish (hence the title of this post-talkin about if your daughter was the butch lesbian and your co worker asked the name of your It really was hilarity at it's finest. Overall, the night was a HUGE success and I had the BEST time. Of course, everyone ended the night talking about how we should do get togethers more often (which is the usual commentary). Well, the memory of last night is in this space, never to be forgotten or faded...

Halloween party with the sis in law, brudder, and boyfriend tonight.... should be interesting. Have a great weekend fam!

In case you were wondering- A head shot of the boyfriend for your viewing More to come I'm sure...

Monday, October 6, 2008

VP Debate SNL Style

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Ok... so I'm lazy

And it keeps getting worse as time progresses.

I just don't want to do anything with my free time; which I actually have (finally).

What I don't money.

BUT... there are things that I can do that don't require money (or so I'm told)... however, they require gas, which leads me back to needing money.

So I'm enjoying the walls of my house.

I could clean, but who wants to do that...

I could cook, but the only types of food here are traditional ingredients for haitian cuisine (which I get enough of). I could get groceries.... but we already know what that requires and we already know the problem with that.

All I've been doing is reading books and watching tv...

And spending time with the boyfriend.

Yes, its official.

He threw out boxes and everything (yes box, what the hell am I thinking box, no fuckin way box, and I'm gonna ruin this man's life with a smile of my face box.... this was him. It was entertaining)

He met the parents.

I don't think I've ever discussed that my father is not traditionally religious, which of course has influenced me... but I am still a bit of a hybrid between my mother who was EXTREMELY bible driven and my father, who is far more philosophical about it.

So the boyfriend being INTENSELY religious makes conversations very....interesting. He is still trying to figure out how I feel about it, but being a hybrid kinda makes me a bit


I haven't even known the kid for a month and we are already into these heavy discussions.

Oh well... All I can do is what feels right one day at a time and try not to look too far ahead, or measure it against anything but what I instinctually feel; and being his girlfriend.

I saw my dream job in Atlanta,GA. I've emailed the recruiter... Hopefully he gives me good news.

Talk to you soon.

Saturday, September 27, 2008



But I gotta keep on keepin on.

God willing... I'll be where I can feel passionate and grow stronger in adult rehabilitation care.

Happy weekend!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

3 dates in 5 days

Never in my life have I ever been out with 'someone of interest' that many times in such a short time frame. In fact, I don't even know if I've ever been on more than one date type scenario with anyone. Hold on....lemme think.....

No. I haven't.

Now, I don't know if I would necessarily claim these 'dates' as dates. Here's why.

Date 1: Thursday night he invited me to his birthday dinner (happening on Friday). I felt like that was a bit major for a first time get together, but I really wanted to see him after having such great conversations, so I agreed. I would estimate there were about 20 or so people in the room of the restaurant reserved for his birthday. I brought a friend along (for approval and support). It was really a great time and he was so charming. We didn't really get to converse or anything, but it was nice seeing him and getting a feel for his friends gave me an AWESOME view of the man. (PS. My friend THOROUGHLY approved of him, stating 'monsieur ca...bien compe!' ~ translation: that man there... great looking!)

He called me later on in the evening (I had to leave early to go to another birthday event~ I was invited to 4 events for birthdays on Friday... it was ridiculous... but I agreed to the first two requests and told the other two I was busy). We talked a bit about the rest of his evening and the rest of mine and I asked what he was up to the next day, and if he thought we might hang out (yes, I'm forward- I know). He invited me to hang out with he and his friends to watch football and then grab a bite to eat afterwards (tentative plans).

Date 2: Saturday day, got no calls til around 6:30pm.... from a friend who I was surprised to hear from. She invited me over for a few hours. On my way there, he called me and said his day ran long and he wondered if grabbing a movie would be ok. I said after I hung out with my friend, I didn't mind. He called back 30min later saying that his brother needed his car and that he wanted to raincheck. I really wanted to see him, so I suggested that I pick him up. Didn't really fly with him, but after giving him the choice between seeing me or not seeing me, he swallowed his pride and said he looked forward to catching the movie with me. Overall, he was a COMPLETE gentleman, making me laugh and telling me how much he liked me and just being a wonderful person the whole way through.

Date 3: Sunday night, another invitation; this time to a prayer session on Monday. (Did I mention he was a ride or die man of God?). It was the most unique prayer session I've ever been to because he actually cracks jokes with God too and his prayers had me dying. Of course we had moments of sincerity, but he was just as hilarious and honest and open with God as he is with everyone around him. Afterwards, he invited me to grab a bite and we just talked and talked for about 3 hours.

Yesterday was the first day that has gone by since last Thursday that I didn't hear from him, but he called today to explain the reason. He's definitely not just 'another guy' and my excitement over that makes me think too much. I'm trying to hold it in and keep myself in check, but with talks from him about being nervous that his mom might scare me away or conversations with my father (who I NEVER talk to about men) who tells me he knows the guy's dad since '92; my mind has run away from me a few times.

Alright... I've documented my lyfe, so now I'm off to read up on yours...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A throwback...

A post I wrote 2 yrs ago that still holds true. Funny how much I've changed from those days; and how much I have stayed so richly the same.

In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...... There are some days when I wake up in the morning completely dishearted at the life I lead. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a bad life. In fact, there are people who would give anything to be in the shoes that I walk in everyday. I have a loving family, a decent job, a warm home, and the ability to shop until my pockets run empty without any worry because I don't have any real bills to pay. I have the possibility of furthering my college education and making something extraordinaryof myself... and most of the time, I know that and I am grateful. But then there are those days when I wake up and all I want is to be someplace different and be someone different and live somehow differently from the way that I am living now. I want to have the ability to travel whenever the mood strikes and sleep my days away and do adventurous things as if there is not a care in the world... I want to have the ability to curl up in a huge sofa with my favorite fleece blanket and listen to my mother read me my favorite book... I want to know what it is like to do what you want when you want it without thought of Your Lyfe (parents, job, friends). I want to know the feeling of being so incredibly in love, your breath catches at the thought and you forget everything else. I yearn to be somewhere with someone who isn't too busy to tell me I'm wanted, who isn't afraid to show me how he feels, who isn't confused about what he wants, and who has sat and yearned to be somewhere with me. I want to be able to shave off all my hair and not think anything of it cause "I am not my hair".... I want to be able to create incredible written work that transcends time and space leaving a mark in all who know it... I want to portray a character who is so far from me that I need to lose myself in her to make the world believe that I AM SHE.... I want to sing a song so smooth and sweet that it glides over your skin, notes kissing fingers and toes, makin you feel oh so good at the sound... I want to feel rushing wind lacing its way around my body as i plummet to the earth or rushing water as I dive in face first...... I want to be that woman that does it all..... but for now, I'll just sit and hum that song I heard once.....
In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The dimensions of virginity

I confuse people.
And I should.

I talk as though I know; I tease as though I would; I dance as though I should.
But I don't know from experience;
eventually the teasing will become a will, but for now it's a won't;
and there's alot of 'shoulds' out there, but I pick and choose which ones to actually do.

To top it off, I have been known to have unsermountable standards

Honestly... I don't know about that. I don't have a list of what I want. I just have a very sharp reaction to what I like. I DO make the first move if I see something I like. I AM open and direct, more than not expressing 'I think you're cute and you and I should talk' without qualms or hesitation.

From my undergrad years when I used to chase after men and make ALL the effort, I know what I would do if I REALLY liked someone, so nowadays after the initial blast of aggression, I cool rather quickly to see where his mental/effort is before letting it all hang out on my end.

Once viriginity is told (within the first 3 conversations usually...) the situation fades to black with a graceless exit and a clear message of the true intent. A great bullshit

There has been times when virginity has not been revealed and the same outcome occurs (more slowly of course) but that could be attributed to my very strong minded nature (not to be confused with opinionated or stagnant... I just think alot and that is expressed in my conversation). I am not a lightweight conversationalist, and if you are not truly a thinker, you have nothing for me...(could be perceived as a hurdle... i guess it is... labeled 'don't be stupid').

But as much I as I am a virgin
I am every inch a sexual person
I love touching, and kissing, and teasing play, and suggestive talk, and promising glances...

And I want all of those things when I date/comit/engage/marry.

But that's the movie, and I'm lacking on the previews. The courtship. The requests for my time for an event such as dinner, movies, museum tour, talking in the park, a moment with ice cream, hell~ a phone call just because is a rarity.


I can't help but wonder if I do it to myself. I've had my fair share of 'willing to tear you up' sexual moments ... but those have become tiresome, and are almost to the point of not doing anything for me anymore. And I still have a few people around me that would be MORE than willing to fulfill my every desire without me doing anything for them specifically; but I've never been one to settle for just the physicality of it all. If 'I want to make you cum' could do it, TRUST, it would have already happened. Those words from you is a goodbye from me. Try again...with someone who is NOT me.

But I've lacked the experience of a gaga'd man who didn't let me go.
Because I do get scared and I may push away a isn't outta the blue (I forewarn men of my nature... but I've yet to master how NOT to push...Maybe it's my own subconscious test of whether or not I'm wanted).

That's what it is.
I'm scared to death to go along with someone who isn't 100% sure he wants me (good, bad, fro'd, braided up, curly, sweet, salty, annoying, funny, mad, joyously happy, stressed, lazy and all that)
And I've always been scared.
People leave all the time for their own reasons, and some share their logic behind their departure, and some don't.
It happens every day... with family, friends, blog followers and every other kind of relationship

I guess it stems from the most important goodbye that I was never prepared to make...:deeper sigh:

So I may 'push' to see if he REALLY wants me
by starting to saying 'no' when he asks for me to come over; hoping he suggests to come get me to go out
Or not call back immediately; hoping he'll try again with a text or something to show he's eager to talk
Or shutting down the flirtatious lighthearted talk; hoping he'd be interested in my more revealing serious side

Because.... I'm INSECURE....there... I said it.

But it will not TOTALLY consume me and cause me to settle. I hope to stay strong and wait for the RIGHT man... not just the one who's sorta interested in me for now...

I know (and I've heard it always) that he will come into my life at the right time God willing..

One day.

Which could have been
I got his phone number because..
He's Haitian (YEH!)
God fearing
No kids
No girlfriend (a problem I had one too many times)
Has a job (I.S. department for the hospital I work/intern in)

:Koolaid Smile:
And he called me back (two days later, but that's ok... we're all
We didn't talk cause I was blinded by my shopping, but I'll call today.

So we'll see...and I'm hoping

This is longer than I intended... but as I said... I've been doing some thinking... and this was just one facet... Have a great weekend blog fam

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Deep Thought

So I've been thinking.... and thinking... and thinking....
I'll let you know what the result of all of that thought reveals to me when i piece it all together....

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

New Beginnings (Fiction)

She sat staring at herself in the mirror not quite sure as to who she was looking upon. The parts; two almond shaped deep brown eyes set in warmed over caramel brown skin; one well defined nose that flared out into two delicate nostrils which sat atop one full sensual mouth; didn’t sum up to the whole. Instead, the parts just seemed disjointed and unremarkable in their attempt to form what was lost; her identity. She closed her eyes against the image and buried her face into her hands.
I don’t think I can do this.
How many times did she think this very thought in the span of an hour as she glanced over at her phone? This thought, an apparent gateway to deeper more exposing ones, scared her every time it made its way to the surface. Not because of its implications, but because of the ease in which her heart told this to her brain, or her brain to her heart, as though it were a certainty and not just fleeting. And the greatest worry was she didn’t know which sent the message, the brain or the heart and it seemed her soul wanted no part in the discussion and sat silent.
She looked back into the mirror, sweeping back her thick black hair and held it behind her. Maybe a new look is in order. This brought a slow smile to her lips. She could already hear her friends and family reprimanding her for even thinking such a thought. Black women did not cut their hair, especially if it flowed naturally and healthily well past finely sculpted slender shoulders to reach the midline of one’s back the way hers did. She released her hair and watched as the soft curls sprung back into disheveled disorder all around her. She cradled her chin in two slim hands and drummed her fingers against her perfectly placed high cheekbones. With a deep exhalation, she tried to keep the successive thoughts from following, but the messages weighed heavy in her eyes. I miss him.
Her eyes welled, but she moved swiftly before the first drop could fall and she slammed herself atop her bed, burying her face in the folds of her overstuffed down comforter. She stayed there for what seemed like forever, crying and hurting.

She awoke to the sound of rain gently hitting the panes of her expansive glass windows. She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling through the sheer beige lace of her canopied bed. She felt her phone vibrate before she heard it and shifted her wait to pull it from under her thinning frame. We’re here. The text message confused her until she scrolled up to see the sum of the letters: Jersey. Her lips fanned across her face with the deepest joy as she dropped the phone and rushed to her front door. Flying past her unnaturally tousled space of rumpled clothes and disorganized furry, she yanked the door open and flew into her best friends collective embrace.

Jersey, Alex, and Rocki held her there for a bit, allowing her deep grip to send the message of how much they were needed.

‘God, it is so good to see you guys. Come in, come in. Sorry I tackled you, but you know… Um… Throw your stuff anywhere. Let me get you guys something to drink. Man, I can’t believe you’re here. I feel like it’s been forever. Rox, you look great honey. Did you lose weight?...’

And she continued in this rambling fashion, which she was infamous for whenever she felt unsure of what to say, for the next ten minutes as the threesome took in her measure. Finally, Alex silenced her with one of his smooth looks and light hand grip and said gently, ‘Shut up.’ She startled a bit, looked him right in the eye and then started laughing. This broke some of the tension and everyone eased into the moment.

‘Sorry. I know I’m rambling. I just know how awkward it is to deal with someone who has lost someone, and I didn’t want you guys to feel weird.’

‘It’s alright. We’ve met you, and we understand. But, I must ask, even though this is probably a dumb question…. How are you holding up?’ Jersey had never acquired the skill of beating around the bush, which had made her one of the most popular women at Howard, in good ways and bad.

The only response Jersey received was a shoulder shrug and a downcast gaze. And honestly, such gestures spoke volumes louder than any words ever conjured up across languages. She was broken.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Interning Again

I started my full time internship this week. It's 20min from (or with 75cent toll, 10min) and it's the reasonable Mon-Fri 8-4. I'm working with brain injury patients ages ranging from 16-90 and I am liking it alot so far. My supervisor is a mile a minute thinker/talker and is the classic definition of A type personality, but I can handle it.

I don't understand him. And I hate being confused. Because then I sit and ruminate over our interaction from the time I met him (4yrs ago) til today trying to analyze and understand. But I'm starting to get that no matter how much I try, I just won't get it. We've always been friends. Mostly because I have great people skills and he's allowed me to exercise them, but I feel the appreciation of me keeping in touch when others don't always. Sometimes. But recently, our conversations have been.... different. Mostly because of he's prodding and inquiry... and I think, flirting. Really? Can I really call it that?... hmmmm... But then he comes to Orlando (from Jacksonville, a 2hr drive), and I don't hear from him and he doesn't try to link up. But when he goes back to Jville, he'll call and want to discuss how he wishes he'd had time to see me... I don't do good with talkers... Because if your actions don't match, what can I do with words? He's such a great guy though, and over the years, our friendship has brought comfort to me, and surprised me in ways that I really do feel as though he's enriched my life. Hmmm....

What the hell am I watching... this is a weird ass movie for real...

Such a relaxing weekend. I actually got the holiday off (which surprises me since I'm working in the hospital and people don't really take holidays off)... It's apparently my supervisor's year for having the holidays, so she'll also be off for Thanksgiving. I hope my brother barbecues. I haven't been to enough of those in my lifetime.

Man, it does not feel like Sunday. Maybe because I didn't do my regimented happy hour, dance all night friday. But I hung out with my bestest friday, and helped her out with setting up her classroom yesterday. Then we chilled and it was a nice way to spend the weekend... I'm thinking I want to go to poetry night tonight at this club I've never been to... I hear good things...

I've started looking for a job... This is going to be a long journey....

I know I don't talk about politics alot, but when you were watching the DNC acceptence speech of B-bomb and they would cut to a shot of Michelle... am I the only one that made up commentary of what she might be thinking?... I mean, she had such an intense look and she's so together most of the time, I just let my imagination run rampent and I was rolling... If you didn't... look at it again and by all means, make up some commentary... you will find your inner comedian within that space.

I'm off... more laziness needs to be achieved... enjoy your extended weekend!

Oh yeh... I forgot to mention. I've completed the short story for Essenc.e and will be submitting it... Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Unfinished things

I think about you
In the increments of time that are whispered between uncountable moments across the expanse of space that ventures beyond the possibility of thought and word.
I think about you
Every conception saturated by flashes of teeth, vibrations of laughter, exquisite moments of...just being where eyes sit locked inside invisible rooms with mahogany walls.
I think about you
Uncontrollably and unconventionally, causing moments when skin shutters and legs cross and lips are moistened; leaving desire to seep from images to flesh.
I think about you
As more than just a yesterday that poured its way into today and seems to have every intention of leaking into tomorrow... and that's a little scary.

And that's all I got... maybe I'll finish this piece (or maybe it's already done.. who knows)

Soooo... cousin left. And you know, I actually liked him more towards the end there. I'm so unaccustomed to having people around me anymore (it's been about 4yrs or so since my brother lived here), but I'm all about it... usually. Well, this was definitely not one of those times. Reason? Well, my cousin was a bit shy. Painfully so. So much so, that he was actually rude. It got to the point where I couldn't take him with me to certain things because he would refuse to socialize properly. My poor friends would inquire, but one word responses can only take a conversation so far and unfortunately, it was not their duty to make him feel comfortable. I also have the feeling that he really didn't want to grow comfortable, so I didn't feel to bad about leaving him behind after a while. Another thing that made things a bit trying: he asked for things last minute. I would give him a run down of things we would do that day, and we'd get in the car, he would explain there were things that he needed to accomplish first. One thing I hate feeling like is a chauffeur... and it happen MULTIPLE times, even though I explained that doing that messed me up (since I was on a schedule with him). Don't let me sit around the house all morning and then right as we are about to leave to make it to some event (eg movie, dinner, social engagement with fam) you THEN tell me you need to take care of something. Why didn't you tell me 3 hours ago?!?! Now we're gonna be late (which I hate) and that is gonna make things uncomfortable (when you are already going to BE uncomfortable because you are shy...sigh... dude, I'm trying to help you out, but It was kind of hilarious, cause my anger is like a flash of light. You don't even realize you just saw it... I would speak on it in a rather strong discussion voice and then within the next breath, I would be joking (which probably made him acka fool multiple times through his time here). Future reference: 12days is too damn long to visit people you have never met in your life. I don't give a damn that their blood... Don't do it!

I tried to figure out what the vacation would have been like if I were shy. People are always telling me to take things like that into consideration, but damn, why do I always gotta make the extra effort cause I'm social. Well, I decided to give him a small piece of what he was like and I completely shut down. I responded with one word responses and I didn't make eye contact and he kept prying and prying (of course this was after 7 or 8 days of non stop me me me, so he was over his shyness at this point). Part of it was me giving him a dose of himself, but part of me was just talked out. I was sick of being the pusher and so switching roles was a nice change... After maybe 3 questions... he gave Some people just don't have the stamina to be aggressive questionnaires...

I did like having fam around, but he's young minded and feels he knows it all (telling me how I should manipulate my laptop... you have only been dealing with computers for 3 yrs sweetheart... I think I got this thank you); as well as being a bit ego centric (loved taking photos of himself... and just himself... no one else...but I don't know if that is a cultural thing or not... gotta go to Haiti for that one).

Speaking of which, I just got my passport (yeh!) Only took a week and a few days. It was awesomeness. Now I am ret to go all around the world.

My back up plans (in case Denmark falls through)... Zero, Nill, None. I need to get on the ball and start looking for a job somewhere. Anyone know of a nice place that I would like to live? I'm outtie

Monday, August 18, 2008

So here's the thing...

So I was sent an email.
Apparently, there is a contest that he feels I should submit for.
The E.ssence Short Story Contest.
First prize? $1,000 and being published in one of their issues.
Here's the thing...
I've never finished any of the stories that I've written
Actually, most of them were created in this space (the blog world)
Never to be more than just a moment in time when my mind flowed easily
But when I revisit those works, it is challenging to continue its initial energy.
A suggestion from a friend:
Start something new.
I know I should.
But damn... I'm feeling so
My cousin has been here for the last week and a half or so.
It's the first time I've ever met him.
I'm going to admit- HE'S GETTING ON MY NERVES!
Ok, I said it.
Now I will cast it aside and be a good host...riiiight.
I'll post on him and give you the full scoop when his visit has ended
I went from missing kisses to going nuts.
Too many in too short of a time frame.
I'm actually starting to become irritated with the experience.
(Not the actual kissing, but the men behind them).
Maybe I need to go back to my drought and just enjoy the friendships.
Cause this shyt is honestly getting old.
Wow, really?
Did I really have such a weekend?
It was great.
Hung out with family (Happy Birthday to my Sis in Law!)
Hung out with friends (Love you Lala!)
Hung out with coworkers (Congrats on the new baby!)
And now I'm watching the Olympics (all about that track and field)
Have a great first day of school Roxy and Stace!
Don't let those kids run you to the

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I'm going to miss...

This chapter is closing and I am truly sad.
There is something incredibly amazing about children and their love and even with these children (autistic children), who don't always look you in the eye, or who completely ignore you, or don't use the language they have to express themselves because tantruming is easier, who are obsessive compulsive and need to have everything a certain way, or are just plain annoying... they love immensely. I have gotten the sweetest hugs, and the grandest expressions of appreciation through just the utilization of words rather than tantruming. I've seen wonderful improvements and I've experience something that will definitely go down in my books. Here's the thing... It makes me think about my career choice. The direction I've put myself on... to work with adults and help people regain what is lost. I have always wondered which was worse... to have the abilities and lose them, or to have to be taught skills deliberate and effortfully because you don't have what the rest of the world does. I choose adults because I felt that making a differences in their world would be realized and understood and appreciated...AND they would work hard for themselves too... because we ALL know, kids have a tough time caring about developing skills and sometimes they completely ignore you. I mean, the adult population I've chosen to deal with has alot of similarities with kids since they too don't really listen, but if they do get a clue...they put the effort in guns blazing and the effect on their lives are felt and appreciated. But with kids, you are changing the trajectory of their lives and so it is harder to feel the difference (for them). They (especially the autistic population) don't really have a full understanding of how MUCH they are getting from therapy and how significant it impacts their lives (over years... I do feel they grasp the significance in their daily worlds)... which made me feel as though their would be a lack of effort. And what I learned this summer? There is a lack of You have to push them the ENTIRE time and make them do what you KNOW is best... and in some instances, you have to educate the parent because even they don't always know what is best and need some direction. But I loved it. Because of the little hands the held mine when I told a child to come with me, or the eye contact that was finally made on the first call of their name, or the tickling fingers that wanted to give you the same joy that you give them when you tickle. It made me think of being a mother. And my mother who didn't get the chance to finish the job. And hoping that I get the chance to finish what she started...

See... my fear of never falling in love and being with someone who REALLY loves me is rooted in the desire to be a mother. I want that chance... and when people tell me I have all the time in the world, I can't help but think of my mother... who didn't and it brings me to the stark reality that maybe...just maybe, I might not either. We are all mortal and living in the moment while planning for tomorrow is a rule of thumb (not living for tomorrow...because it may not arrive). And this summer gave me the opportunity to be love...REALLY loved, even though I wasn't always the good guy. I wasn't always tickle fighting and giving in to their requests or being sweet and loving. I was sometimes (actually more often than not) saying no to what they wanted and making them do things they really didn't want to do and putting them in timeout for not following directions. I was all the high with all the low and they loved me regardless... I get smothered with hugs and found when tears appear because things aren't going great and I bring them the most comfort. And that love is a borrowed love. Because none of those kids are mine (in the sense that I am not their therapist and they will not be continuing with me). And that taste of hugging someone so small who turns to you with joy when it is said that autistic children don't do things like that and smile at the very sight of you (again something they don't supposedly do) and who trust you unconditionally with their weakest and most tender moments... and who don't care about being in their most vulnerable position with you; who are untainted by life's hard blows. It makes me crave for the day when I will have a little person who is born from me... And who will be with me and love me for as long as they can.

I'm getting emotional... I may have to come back to this... or maybe I'll just leave it at this... but regardless... it has been posted. Another mental put on paper for all the world to see

Thursday, August 7, 2008

How did I get here?

I felt the pressure of his hands against my skin cells which tingled with anticipation of the experience of it all. Those hands coursed their way from my shoulder to my fingers in a kneading and needing fashion, blueprinting the pressure of his outer most extremities into the striads of my musculature. During this, he kept my gazed locked in a sitting position right next to the window exposing the ever complicated constellations of his make up. This man confused me every single day, but I couldn't free myself from being mesmerized by the beauty of each uniquely placed starlike element of his essence. My hands found a home upon his waistline and he took his thumb to draw across the line which formed my jaw, stopping at the base of my hairline and pulling me in for that solitary kiss...

When lips become fused
and thoughts become heady
Shallowed breathing erupts
While searching tongues tease
Heat rises and scents are exchanged
His breath is my breath
and he tastes like me
I bite down on his lower lip
and a moan spills into my mouth
Aggression builds
chasing after a slowly formed sexy smile
Hunger explodes exponentially
and a kiss is no longer a kiss
Because hands touch
and bodies press
and language is exchanged
through wide open pores
seeping dopamine from him to me
pushing adrenaline

How did I get here?

Fiction by Desy

More Randomness

~Ok, so I'm really tired (after a long day of nothing of course).

~I went to a brain injury meeting where my teacher was and we further discussed Denmark. He said he would email since I seem to be really sure that I want to do this (which I am at this point).

~ I went and got my passport today. I looked at the old one I had (issued 1992) and I must admit, I was a damn good looking little girl...hahahaha. But I was happy to discover the price was much lower than I'd anticipated

~Since I've been digging through my crap with this time that I have now, I found notes that classmates had passed to me from middle and high school. Don't even ask me why I keep shyt like that, but it was so good to read the five second notes that were always focused on either this boy, that boy, or how someone was mad at me for having a big mouth

~ I found my elementary report cards also... guess what the running theme was... Desy is a delightful student to have; however she needs to work more on her listening skills and following directions (aka. your daughter talks to much and needs to get that ish under control)... Even then I was a talker...hahaha

~Yeh! Roxy is back for JA and I must admit that I missed her tremendously. Nothing like having your best friend in the world back in rotation after a month of MIA ness... only to be greeted by my discussion of potentially going to Denmark... But whatever, for now that's all talk and she's here so life is good

~ My stepmom's nephew is coming tomorrow. She has never met him (he came from Haiti 3 yrs ago and we haven't traveled to Boston in the last 3 yrs). I pray to God he is 21... She's unsure and I didn't hound her about it... but he's here for 2wks and I cannot imagine what we will do together if he isn't legal...

~ I cannot believe that I have made it 24 yrs and 6months without having sex. It really astounds me sometimes. Especially when I think of all the times when I could have and didn't... I don't even know why I didn't except that I wasn't in a relationship with any of them, so it kept me from it... Maybe one day I'll do a full out analysis post on why I'm still in such pristine

*deuces up* I'm out fam...

Friday, August 1, 2008


~ I have realized that she is just too selfish to be called friend. To call me out of the blue to vent about what is going on with her newly abusive situation while attempting to justify her dumb decisions makes me regret picking up the phone at all... 4 solid years of me investing and she accepting has really hit its wall... I just need to 'stop being polite, and start getting real'...

~ He offered a possibility that I have no idea how to measure. A chance to work in Den.mark (the country, not the city) when I graduate. I don't even know if he was being forserious, but the very offhanded mention of it makes me think 40times over about it. It sounds so appealing, scary, overwhelming, and just plain right that I can't imagine not seeking into it and finding out if it is actually something I can really do...

~ I feel stronger, sadder, and more excited about my world than I have in a long time. I'm done with classes for the rest of my graduate career, and the only thing stopping me from my degree is my full time internship (which should be amazing). But with the end of school comes the end of a era... friends made, projects required, documents written, and the whole experience of being in school again is over. Being around people who were in my same boat- a rare experience. Not too many people go through what you go through at the very same time that you go through it and it was nice to be around that for the last 1.7 yrs.

~ We aren't friends. I live in this hope that we are, but I know deep down that it is a passing fling that will dissipate with a stiff wind of something more. Because friendships don't feed the soul the way romance does... The dedication, the effort, the time, and the simple consistency of an easy friendship gets pushed aside for the possibility of something greater. Everyone says I'll be the same when I get in a relationship. I know I won't. I am too aware of what it feels like to be the one discarded... but, I know that I am cared for without the actions behind it... I just don't know what I to do with someone who says they care...or expects me to know it

~ I am so glad that we worked together this summer. Our friendship has strengthened and grown into something I never would have imagined (if you had asked me in the beginning). We have always been cool, but man... you are really wonderful and I know that you will live out those dreams that seem to be hard to grasp... I truly believe it...

~ I miss the way it feels to be kissed. The way hands grope and skin tingles and tongues dance. I miss the way bodies feel when they search for that exact alignment where the fit is indescribably perfect. But I don't miss the disappointment of faded phone calls and effortless talkers.

~ Tonight, out to happy hour with the group I met last week and my friend from work. Time to celebrate the end of classes for life (unless Ph D calls to me too strongly) Now I can get back to my regular blog lifestyle... yeh!!!! Have a great weekend fam

Saturday, July 26, 2008

My first time

Let me start off by saying thank you bunches for all the advice (especially Jameil)... I ended up deciding to work Mon and Wed so that I can keep making the extra change for two more weeks. Ok- on to the post...

I have been feeling a bit lonely recently....Part of it is within my own head, but part of it is me feeling a little disjointed. I have no circle of friends and it's made things a little bit up in down in my social environment making me feel a bit insecure. This led me to last night. I really wanted to go downtown, but I had no one to go with. People were either out of town, not picking up, or just didn't want to go. I always speak out about being independent and comfortable with doing things on my own (going to dinner, movies, etc), however I felt a bit uncomfortable going downtown alone so I started to feel low, cause I really wanted to go dancing. Needed to go dancing. In conjunction with some adult beverage that was mixed by someone attractive. But didn't want to go at it alone. I went back and forth for a bit on the subject, not knowing how the night would turn out. I thought about starting a book, but I know me and books and I have a tendency not to put them down until I finish them and I need to study for my final on Tues. Then I considered renting a movie, but that would not alleviate my desire to go dancing. I tried a few people that I don't really consider friends to see if they were available to no avail. So... in true fashion, I said 'fuck it, I'm going at it alone.'

I got ready, pulling my hair back tightly in a cascading waterfall of braids and applying flawless makeup. I wore a white tube top that was a bit sporty and some midnight blue jeans that hugged in the right places. I gazed at myself in the mirror for a bit, smiled, sprayed some Gardinia across my exposed shoulders and ducked out. I called a friend and we sat speaking on the phone until I reached downtown and I ended up sitting on the phone for about 45min chatting. Finally I made my move to the bar I usually go to and walked in. Walking in on the second floor to the cool air, the dark atmosphere, the smell of the fog machines, and the music made me smile from ear to ear. I was here... alone... and I kinda liked it. Because in alot of ways, I am alone... but I hold myself back from doing things alone because...maybe I'm scared... But last night was a mild stepping stone to breaking that mentality. I mean, in general, not specifically to the club scene.

I bought a drink and ended up seeing some people I had met a few weeks prior with another friend of mine who had known them for years. I ended up spending the entire evening with them and had the most outstanding time. It really was amazing being a part of their world for a bit. Having a group of people that you hang out with and spend your time with regularly... comfortably... religiously... that you share your life with... It was a great thing to be exposed to and to see the love they had for each other and lended to me was just... it was great. Supposedly I was inducted to 'the crew', but who knows if drunkly spoken words have any weight. All I know is that whatever happens, I am becoming more and more comfortable going at it alone...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

2 weeks to go

Sigh- I have almost made it... I remember falling apart during the first week of this summer program (3weeks post starting my summer internship); and now I have 2 weeks to go...

She asked me to stay on after my internship contract expires (Aug 1) for 2 more weeks until the program ends (Aug 15) for pay... Here's the issue with that:

She cut me a break during this semester by paying me for the hours I worked outside of my 'internship' ($10 an hour). Now, Mon and Wed have super strong staff and the kids are always well managed and everything is pretty smooth those days. Tues and Thurs are a bit disjointed and I have to take on alot more responsiblity (which I didnt mind during my internship because I had to be there anyway). There are people there making between $25/hr - $50+/hr that sitting around and asking me (or the other new staff, or the ONE strong therapist there) questions about what should be done and how things should go... and when kids tantrum, I or Lala (the strong therapist) deals with them. It gets pretty stressful and I wake up dreading those two days because of how out of control it gets. Also, my supervisor is telling me that we are adding kids starting on the 28th of June; one is older and has behaviors (bites herself when she is frustrated), one is larger (down syndrome and is stubborn as hell); and one runs around constantly (very impulsive)... Between those three, they are going to need some intense supervision...meanwhile the other 12-15 or so autistic kids running around will be in the hands of 1 new staff, 1 intern, the partial owner (who SUCKS), and some sporatic supervision from 2 other therapists who aren't 'really' there.

It makes me just want to shake my head and walk away. I hate feeling as though I'm being taken advantage of, and during my internship, I took whatever she was willing to pay because not everyone gets paid... hell, everyone else I know didn't... but then again, they only worked 20 hours, where as I worked about 30-35 (in four days) while taking 2 classes (4hours) 2 of the nights that I worked.

I was part of it. I was there when all of this was proposed to me, so I am not going to act as though I got blind sided, or pretend that I don't appreciate it. I really do... the extra funds are always better than nothing. Which is why I have this dilemma now.

I can either not continue through the summer program and kinda burn a bridge (cause I know that she expects me to stay- even though I never agreed to); Stay and work my ass off while I'm feeling horrible about it; Stay and shift my schedule so that I don't have to be there those days that I know I'm going to be miserable; or Stay and figure out a way to get her to give me more money.... I really don't know what to do, but I have 2 weeks to think about it.

Did I mention it takes me an hour to get to my internship? Yeah... Quite a drive

I can't wait for ALL of this to be over. I miss my blog filled, regularly scheduled days that flowed around me with ease... oh well...

Any suggestions?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sucked in

All weekend...
I've accomplished nothing...
except celebrating
and successfully watching every tv movie playing.

Laziness was just calling my name.
I didn't even really make any blog rounds
I just read a bit, but didn't really comment
I slept gloriously in the middle of the day

I did go out one night (Friday)
I hung out with some great people and met a few others.
But Sat thru Sun was spent on this futon being sore as hell ('specially my thighs).

Oreo consumption..
Cooking for my parents..
Leisurely bathing and light reading
I've been sucked in

I should have written something
I got alot of things rollin around in my mind
Damn- this lightening is making me nervous
I'll be around...

Friday, July 11, 2008


Just writing that title makes me think of Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, and all that....

So I couldn't wait. After 3 weeks of waiting for the results, waking up this morning knowing that $30 dollars was the only thing separating me from knowing my results on the Praxis just overwhelmed me and I called to find out.

*dramatic pause*

I passsed! I passed! I passed! *happy dance*

*long exhalation*

There is nothing like this feeling right now.. I am elated and I feel as though I'm walking on water. I can't even contain this koolaid smile I got right now.


I'm going to go tell the world now- but know that you were first. Bye fam...!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I know... I know

I know that I am a bit... confusing
I know that I can be a little... demanding
I know that I expect... alot
I know that I might be a bit...stubborn

But shit- that's me

I sat here in my house all day today.. avoiding past due therapy notes, reflection paper assignment, yard work, pool cleaning, and even eating. I buried myself in my futon and watched movies, slept, blogged, facebooked, phone avoidance, and just plain thought. I eventually had to do the pool and yard work, but I didn't do anything else. Thinking made me reflect on my weekend with my brudder and his people. I had a great time with them on the 4th and last night when I went to dinner with all of them. It was like 15-30 people at the cookout and 10-15 at the dinner and it was just so nice being around my brudder and his friends. But of course, it made me think about why none of my friends called me for the holiday. Not a single one. And another thing; ALL but one or two of my brudder and sis in laws peeps are married or engaged... so that was nice...not really. It was a glaring declaration of what I have yet to attain.

*moment of silence for Will Smith standing in the shower*- Damn.... but any way...

You know what's interesting about all this reflection. I'm super happy about being single. No truly... I'm intensely happy. The reason? I haven't settled. I haven't given in to those that I could have and I am still strong enough to wait for the one I truly want. The one that I will and have every intension of bending backwards for...

But what about my friendships- I have alot of friends... I mean, it astounds me how many people I actually enjoy being around and keeping in touch with and having in my midst... but they aren't a collective group of people and a LARGE majority of them are passive friends. They wait for me to call, for me to make plans, for me to make the effort... Sometimes I think it's a good thing... because I get to exert that aggressive personality of mine... Oh yes, I am definitely aggressive...But not in a horrible way and I try my best to keep myself in check- but I'm waiting for that strong opposition to come along and do it for me one day. I love a confident, knows what they want, no apologies made type of person. Those are the best kinds... and those are the RAREST to find. Roxy like that...she is definately a good balance for me... but there are things that get done for romance that aren't done for friendship with her too...but in her case, I truly understand. For the rest of my supposed close friends... smh- I'm sad at you.

I was talking to a friend and I put out the proposition that I should be a little more my opposite and see what would happen... but being the people person that I am, it would be challenging for me after a few days...

Maybe I'm just too much. Too aggressive, too demanding, too overwhelming, too open, to revealing, too honest, too easy, too nice, too predictable, too consistent, too so many things... something to consider

I'm getting too distracted by I *lol* I love that line~ 'You are the dumbest smart person I have ever seen.' I'm out.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I got nothin


I've tried writing.
I started a dialogue…then deleted it.
I started writing about hanging with the fam yesterday, and I deleted it.
I looked at old stories that have yet to be posted, but it felt a little outta place to post.
I was thinking of writing something fictional and had minimal motivation.
I got nothing.
Except randomness.
He told me that they are going to meet up… I'm still reeling from how that made me feel.
My longtime friend is in town with his young tenderoni celebrating the 4th and their 6month anniversary- he made jokes about it… I'm still interested to see if that relationship will last…
I gave my phone number to a white guy for the first time in 6yrs.
My brother's best friend thought my friend was sexy and was so surprised that she was Haitian- he even came out with the 'She doesn't look Haitian' sentence…. Which led me to this realization:
None of my brother's friends date black women. It's all about the hispanic… and my friend could go for Dominican, which I guess made her appealing. Smh…
I haven't been able to get my car fixed- body shop was closed for the holiday- I guess I'll be going another week with a damaged voiture (car)
I miss my parents when I don't see them for a few days (which happens even though we live in the same house)…
She left and didn't say goodbye- didn't even care to call and before she bounced knowing that we won't be seeing each other for a month plus… but I guess I'm just a close friend and it doesn't matter… but it does to me… sigh
I don't think I'm ready for sexy time, but a nice date with the right potential would be great.
I want to go on a movie marathon with someone fun. Seeing 4 or 5 movies on one ticket stub with a hilarious person is one word- Awesome.
I've got red highlights (in my braids) and the kids at the clinic are amazed… it's interesting to feel little 3-6yr old hands in my hair trying to figure out how I got 'play' hair to stay.
I'm ready to take a trip.

Ok- enough randomness… I'm going to get some breakfast.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Short and Sweet

I've been home for a bit- talking on the phone and watching tv...
I'm getting ready to go out...
Long week (even though it finished earlier than most weeks cause class was cancelled tonight)
I'm definitely drinking...
I got yelled at for lack of posting...
I'm gonna double dose you since this one isn't really a post, just something quick on paper
Tomorrow morning, taking the car to the dealership for more repairs (you would think after having it for a month, they would have fixed it correctly, but nooooooooooooo...smh)
Mr. Hey You has become Mr. Hell No.... which is not surprising...sigh
I am officially in love with my traumatic brain injury class...
I like my internship, but I'm looking forward to it being over (6wks and counting)
(Watching tv) This bridezilla has lost her mind
I'm ready for some sexy time- Any volunteers?
Alright... I need to get ready for tonight's shake a tail feather endeavors...
See you tomorrow

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

So fickle

I am sitting in the Health and Public A.ffairs building waiting for class.
The building is made of glass pretty much.
So I can see outside.
The sun's blazing... I mean, I'm hot just looking out there.
An hour passes.
I glance over from the paper I'm writing (down to the wire, I know, I'm such a procrastinator).
It's raining.
Not lightly either.
I look down at the floor and I see steam rising up from the concrete.
That's how hot it is here.
I felt like I was in a weird music video with fog machines and rain.
Someone just walked passed me.
She had a newspaper on her head (even though she left the rain outside).
Her flip flops squeaked as she walked.
And as I finish this post, the sun is coming out and it has lightened up to a sprinkle...
Florida is so fickle

Friday, June 20, 2008

Hey You...

I'm all better. Thank you all for being so sweet and supportive; it helped more than you know.

So, I starting to get accustom to the schedule that I have... and the fact that it is only for four days really helps me make it through. Whenever I feel as though I'm at my wits end, before I know it, it's Friday and I'm catching up on all of my blogs, hanging out around the house with my step mom, and talking to friends about what's up for the weekend.

This weekend? A drive up to Panama City to visit my homeboy Andy with my girl Roxy. I think that I need to get the hell out of this city... even if it is for a little while. I do have to cut the trip a little short (pool cleaning duties and homework must be addressed) so I'll be back mid Sunday, but it's better than nothing.

I have started the funeral dialogue, but it has been at a standstill since the first I am giving myself to next week... (even if it's midnight Sat) to finish it....

I love that phrase...'Hey you'.... It brings this unexplainable smile on my face. I don't know why either.....and he does it every time I pick up his calls. There is just something about that phrase... or maybe something about the fact that he doesn't give up on me no matter how busy I get. He makes ridiculous requests (e.g. 'Come play pool with me and my friends Tuesday night after your 15hr day of work and school...') knowing that I'll say no because I have to get rest for the next day of work... but he does it anyway. If nothing else, he's one more person that makes me feel wanted (and that is definately a very very small pool)...and brings an unexplainable smile to my face with just that simple 'hey you' that greets my ear. Have a great week ya'll...see you soon

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Deep Breath

So I've been a bit MIA. I've had a rough couple of days, and today just topped it all. So much so, that I skipped class tonight and just came straight home from my internship. I got so frustrated that I ended up shedding some tears (not there, but during the venting sessions I had after). I started typing about it, but I realize there is no short way to do it... Another reason why I should have probably utterz this... Speaking is so much faster than typing.

I will say that I have missed you all so intensely... My schedule is sooo jam packed and when I come home, I just collapse... I don't turn on the television, I don't really talk on the phone.. I mean, my day is filled with so much sensory input (tantruming autistic children, circle time, singing and dancing, running around, therapizing...sigh) that I don't even turn on the radio when I drive home. I just take in the silence and figure out how I'm gonna do it all again the next day... and to top it off, two out of the four days that I'm there, I have class following until 10pm; which means, I don't get home til around 11pm and I have to get up at 6am to start the day over again with the kids...Can I really do this for the next 8wks? {stressed/depressed tears, wiping them away, deep breath} Yes, I can do this.

I've also been a bit low these last few weeks as well... There is so much shyt going down in my family and the addition of my internship and school (didn't do so hot on my first exam) is not helping get me out of this feeling of not wanting to wake up in the morning. I know that I should be thanking God that He has blessed me with another day to do whatever I did yesterday better... but I feel like one of the kids and all I want to do is tantrum right now because I am not happy... Maybe I need to go

Wish me luck. The Praxis is this Saturday... 600+ here I come...*going to make my blog rounds before bed*