Saturday, January 31, 2009

Saturday Morning Fodder

I love coming home.
It cleanses me, renews me, and offers me a fresh start.
I've always felt that way about this space.
And it's rejuvenating skills have revived me yet again.
I've been purged.
I hung out with family.
I hung out with friends.
I talked with relatives.
And I ate home cooking from my mama.
I drank (YEH! to Happy Hour) and flirted (my pasttime).
I no longer have that 'situation' I wrote about pounding my brain.
And even better, I got my license- so no more sitting around the house.

I woke up this morning to my father talking to me.
Asking for stuff.
Telling me that we need to talk about a few things.
But he doesn't want to talk now; maybe tomorrow.
I hate shyt like that.
Don't tell me you want to talk, and then push it off.
But he's my papy, so there really isn't any room to push that.
I just have to not think about it as best as I can.

I had a great night last night drinking.
Hanging out with older frat.
It was kinda nice, cause I didn't need to force anything.
I just sat back, mostly observing, and somehow conversation wafted my way.
I haven't had a group of friends like that....ever
It's kind of securing.
Too bad it's in
But honestly, it recharged my batteries.
I also ran into a friend I've had since middle school.
That shyt was bananaz.
To see someone from my youth...smh.
I rarely have those kind of bump ins.
But we had a similar bump in my freshman year of college.
I guess maybe in some alternate universe we were suppose to be friends.
Maybe I'll facebook friend her lol.

It's Saturday morning and I'm lying in bed.
Why was it so cold last night.
I thought I left that kinda weather in DC.
I mean honestly; this is not right.
I don't want to move...

I can't believe I am starting work next week.
I realize that I miss being a therapist.
But even more, I miss earning money.
This broke shyt is NOT fun.
I know it's weird to say; and I'm sure I'll wish for these days back when I'm swamped beyond measure- but I am REALLY ready to go to work.

Happy PreSuperBowl Saturday!

Monday, January 26, 2009

I gotta write

My head is spinning.
I can't understand me or what just happened.
I'm talking to myself about this situation, but I can't seem to get over it.
Why can't I stop thinking about him.
Why can't I stop thinking about this.
I just hate how easily I let myself fall.
Fall into a situation where I slightly rely on another.
It shouldn't have happened.
But somewhere between the falling asleep on his couch, going with his crew to DC, and then fall asleep in his bed; I found myself trusting him.
Relying on him.
Letting him take care of me.
But that was wrong of me.
Because he's not at a place where he can be that to me.
And I know that.
So how is it that I let it happen?
But even worse, once I corrected it with my slightly inebriated tongue; why do I now miss it?
I should have never gotten to this place.
Trusting him the way I did.
Relying on him the way I did.
It's been five minutes.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Could I blame some of it on the fact that I'm alone in this city and I just want to have someone?
Could I blame it on his intense charm and magnetic personality?
Partially so...
But I must hold up the mirror to me and ask myself, WHY DID I LET MY GUARD DOWN?
I know he made me laugh.
I know he told me I'd be the newest part of the 'crew'.
I know that he invited me to do stuff when I am so accustom to being left out in the cold.
But why did I feel as though that pattern would continue.
I should have tredded those waters lightly, rather diving in head first;
because know I feel the bruising of bumping my head in the too shallow waters.
The attraction of the water was too hard to resist
and all I wanted was to be submerged.
Safe... like within my mother's womb.
I was actually ok with him taking care of things for me.
Appreciated it even.
Enjoyed the attention, affection, and interest.
But I couldn't let all of that continue without voicing my concerns.
He's a taken man; and although they are on their last leg, they are still holding on to it.
So I should have never been where I was.
And I should never have let myself feel what I now feel.
A loss.
I don't understand how my guard was put down so swiftly that I missed it happening.
Oh, to be treated in just the right way...
A rare thing for me.
The sarcasm with gentlemen touches;
The affection with the third grade influences;
The attention that fell intermittently rather than direct that somehow made me feel more desired than those who attend intensely;
The subconscious 'babes' and 'huns' that used to bother me with my ex; bring warmth and acceptance (cause every female in his camp is called that).
But once I voiced my concern about how closely we were walking on the line;
He swiftly corrected himself.
And now, I miss it.
I miss it, and I hate that I miss it, because I never should have had it.
I need to get out of this city for a few days.
I feel a bit sick with myself and this...
And yes, I feel like I'm over reacting as well... this also bothers me...sigh

Monday, January 12, 2009

Why don't I feel like blogging?

I'm officially a bad blogger. I admit it. I am just not interested in talking about my life; however; ironically, I still want to share it here within this space. I still read, although I don't comment often and I go to some people's pages more frequently then others... There hasn't been much going on in my end, so there is no reason to feel like you've missed anything... but here are some quick highlights:

-My poor car was abused yet again. Thankfully it was only a 2 day repair... I don't know what it is about my karma with that vehicle, but it's bad... However, I'mma ride it out and hope for the best.

-My license application was 'returned to sender' because it weighed too much. It took 3 WEEKS for them to send it back to me! Truthfully, it's my fault. I just should have sucked it up and sent it priority the first time... but noooooooo, I wanted to save a few bucks. Well, I just prolonged how long it will take for the license to come it... 3 more weeks of waiting...sigh.

-My boss might ask to use me as a secretary while I wait for my license (no I didn't tell her the license situation cause they typically say it takes 6 weeks to cover their bases, so I'll be covered since they're averaging about 3 weeks for licensing with my friends who've graduated). I may do it, but who knows... She bought this new clinic and would need somebody in the front, so it would give her some time to look for someone appropriately rather than rushing into it... We'll see.

-I moved. I am finally living down in Palm Beach. The layout here is what they put on postcards when they say come to Florida. It is so damn pretty. Everything is perfectly placed and lovely. Now all I need are the additives of decorative accessories and I'll be a happy camper. Ya'll should stop by....