Saturday, July 26, 2008

My first time

Let me start off by saying thank you bunches for all the advice (especially Jameil)... I ended up deciding to work Mon and Wed so that I can keep making the extra change for two more weeks. Ok- on to the post...

I have been feeling a bit lonely recently....Part of it is within my own head, but part of it is me feeling a little disjointed. I have no circle of friends and it's made things a little bit up in down in my social environment making me feel a bit insecure. This led me to last night. I really wanted to go downtown, but I had no one to go with. People were either out of town, not picking up, or just didn't want to go. I always speak out about being independent and comfortable with doing things on my own (going to dinner, movies, etc), however I felt a bit uncomfortable going downtown alone so I started to feel low, cause I really wanted to go dancing. Needed to go dancing. In conjunction with some adult beverage that was mixed by someone attractive. But didn't want to go at it alone. I went back and forth for a bit on the subject, not knowing how the night would turn out. I thought about starting a book, but I know me and books and I have a tendency not to put them down until I finish them and I need to study for my final on Tues. Then I considered renting a movie, but that would not alleviate my desire to go dancing. I tried a few people that I don't really consider friends to see if they were available to no avail. So... in true fashion, I said 'fuck it, I'm going at it alone.'

I got ready, pulling my hair back tightly in a cascading waterfall of braids and applying flawless makeup. I wore a white tube top that was a bit sporty and some midnight blue jeans that hugged in the right places. I gazed at myself in the mirror for a bit, smiled, sprayed some Gardinia across my exposed shoulders and ducked out. I called a friend and we sat speaking on the phone until I reached downtown and I ended up sitting on the phone for about 45min chatting. Finally I made my move to the bar I usually go to and walked in. Walking in on the second floor to the cool air, the dark atmosphere, the smell of the fog machines, and the music made me smile from ear to ear. I was here... alone... and I kinda liked it. Because in alot of ways, I am alone... but I hold myself back from doing things alone because...maybe I'm scared... But last night was a mild stepping stone to breaking that mentality. I mean, in general, not specifically to the club scene.

I bought a drink and ended up seeing some people I had met a few weeks prior with another friend of mine who had known them for years. I ended up spending the entire evening with them and had the most outstanding time. It really was amazing being a part of their world for a bit. Having a group of people that you hang out with and spend your time with regularly... comfortably... religiously... that you share your life with... It was a great thing to be exposed to and to see the love they had for each other and lended to me was just... it was great. Supposedly I was inducted to 'the crew', but who knows if drunkly spoken words have any weight. All I know is that whatever happens, I am becoming more and more comfortable going at it alone...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

2 weeks to go

Sigh- I have almost made it... I remember falling apart during the first week of this summer program (3weeks post starting my summer internship); and now I have 2 weeks to go...

She asked me to stay on after my internship contract expires (Aug 1) for 2 more weeks until the program ends (Aug 15) for pay... Here's the issue with that:

She cut me a break during this semester by paying me for the hours I worked outside of my 'internship' ($10 an hour). Now, Mon and Wed have super strong staff and the kids are always well managed and everything is pretty smooth those days. Tues and Thurs are a bit disjointed and I have to take on alot more responsiblity (which I didnt mind during my internship because I had to be there anyway). There are people there making between $25/hr - $50+/hr that sitting around and asking me (or the other new staff, or the ONE strong therapist there) questions about what should be done and how things should go... and when kids tantrum, I or Lala (the strong therapist) deals with them. It gets pretty stressful and I wake up dreading those two days because of how out of control it gets. Also, my supervisor is telling me that we are adding kids starting on the 28th of June; one is older and has behaviors (bites herself when she is frustrated), one is larger (down syndrome and is stubborn as hell); and one runs around constantly (very impulsive)... Between those three, they are going to need some intense supervision...meanwhile the other 12-15 or so autistic kids running around will be in the hands of 1 new staff, 1 intern, the partial owner (who SUCKS), and some sporatic supervision from 2 other therapists who aren't 'really' there.

It makes me just want to shake my head and walk away. I hate feeling as though I'm being taken advantage of, and during my internship, I took whatever she was willing to pay because not everyone gets paid... hell, everyone else I know didn't... but then again, they only worked 20 hours, where as I worked about 30-35 (in four days) while taking 2 classes (4hours) 2 of the nights that I worked.

I was part of it. I was there when all of this was proposed to me, so I am not going to act as though I got blind sided, or pretend that I don't appreciate it. I really do... the extra funds are always better than nothing. Which is why I have this dilemma now.

I can either not continue through the summer program and kinda burn a bridge (cause I know that she expects me to stay- even though I never agreed to); Stay and work my ass off while I'm feeling horrible about it; Stay and shift my schedule so that I don't have to be there those days that I know I'm going to be miserable; or Stay and figure out a way to get her to give me more money.... I really don't know what to do, but I have 2 weeks to think about it.

Did I mention it takes me an hour to get to my internship? Yeah... Quite a drive

I can't wait for ALL of this to be over. I miss my blog filled, regularly scheduled days that flowed around me with ease... oh well...

Any suggestions?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sucked in

All weekend...
I've accomplished nothing...
except celebrating
and successfully watching every tv movie playing.

Laziness was just calling my name.
I didn't even really make any blog rounds
I just read a bit, but didn't really comment
I slept gloriously in the middle of the day

I did go out one night (Friday)
I hung out with some great people and met a few others.
But Sat thru Sun was spent on this futon being sore as hell ('specially my thighs).

Oreo consumption..
Cooking for my parents..
Leisurely bathing and light reading
I've been sucked in

I should have written something
I got alot of things rollin around in my mind
Damn- this lightening is making me nervous
I'll be around...

Friday, July 11, 2008


Just writing that title makes me think of Full House, Family Matters, Step by Step, and all that....

So I couldn't wait. After 3 weeks of waiting for the results, waking up this morning knowing that $30 dollars was the only thing separating me from knowing my results on the Praxis just overwhelmed me and I called to find out.

*dramatic pause*

I passsed! I passed! I passed! *happy dance*

*long exhalation*

There is nothing like this feeling right now.. I am elated and I feel as though I'm walking on water. I can't even contain this koolaid smile I got right now.


I'm going to go tell the world now- but know that you were first. Bye fam...!

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I know... I know

I know that I am a bit... confusing
I know that I can be a little... demanding
I know that I expect... alot
I know that I might be a bit...stubborn

But shit- that's me

I sat here in my house all day today.. avoiding past due therapy notes, reflection paper assignment, yard work, pool cleaning, and even eating. I buried myself in my futon and watched movies, slept, blogged, facebooked, phone avoidance, and just plain thought. I eventually had to do the pool and yard work, but I didn't do anything else. Thinking made me reflect on my weekend with my brudder and his people. I had a great time with them on the 4th and last night when I went to dinner with all of them. It was like 15-30 people at the cookout and 10-15 at the dinner and it was just so nice being around my brudder and his friends. But of course, it made me think about why none of my friends called me for the holiday. Not a single one. And another thing; ALL but one or two of my brudder and sis in laws peeps are married or engaged... so that was nice...not really. It was a glaring declaration of what I have yet to attain.

*moment of silence for Will Smith standing in the shower*- Damn.... but any way...

You know what's interesting about all this reflection. I'm super happy about being single. No truly... I'm intensely happy. The reason? I haven't settled. I haven't given in to those that I could have and I am still strong enough to wait for the one I truly want. The one that I will and have every intension of bending backwards for...

But what about my friendships- I have alot of friends... I mean, it astounds me how many people I actually enjoy being around and keeping in touch with and having in my midst... but they aren't a collective group of people and a LARGE majority of them are passive friends. They wait for me to call, for me to make plans, for me to make the effort... Sometimes I think it's a good thing... because I get to exert that aggressive personality of mine... Oh yes, I am definitely aggressive...But not in a horrible way and I try my best to keep myself in check- but I'm waiting for that strong opposition to come along and do it for me one day. I love a confident, knows what they want, no apologies made type of person. Those are the best kinds... and those are the RAREST to find. Roxy like that...she is definately a good balance for me... but there are things that get done for romance that aren't done for friendship with her too...but in her case, I truly understand. For the rest of my supposed close friends... smh- I'm sad at you.

I was talking to a friend and I put out the proposition that I should be a little more my opposite and see what would happen... but being the people person that I am, it would be challenging for me after a few days...

Maybe I'm just too much. Too aggressive, too demanding, too overwhelming, too open, to revealing, too honest, too easy, too nice, too predictable, too consistent, too so many things... something to consider

I'm getting too distracted by I *lol* I love that line~ 'You are the dumbest smart person I have ever seen.' I'm out.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

I got nothin


I've tried writing.
I started a dialogue…then deleted it.
I started writing about hanging with the fam yesterday, and I deleted it.
I looked at old stories that have yet to be posted, but it felt a little outta place to post.
I was thinking of writing something fictional and had minimal motivation.
I got nothing.
Except randomness.
He told me that they are going to meet up… I'm still reeling from how that made me feel.
My longtime friend is in town with his young tenderoni celebrating the 4th and their 6month anniversary- he made jokes about it… I'm still interested to see if that relationship will last…
I gave my phone number to a white guy for the first time in 6yrs.
My brother's best friend thought my friend was sexy and was so surprised that she was Haitian- he even came out with the 'She doesn't look Haitian' sentence…. Which led me to this realization:
None of my brother's friends date black women. It's all about the hispanic… and my friend could go for Dominican, which I guess made her appealing. Smh…
I haven't been able to get my car fixed- body shop was closed for the holiday- I guess I'll be going another week with a damaged voiture (car)
I miss my parents when I don't see them for a few days (which happens even though we live in the same house)…
She left and didn't say goodbye- didn't even care to call and before she bounced knowing that we won't be seeing each other for a month plus… but I guess I'm just a close friend and it doesn't matter… but it does to me… sigh
I don't think I'm ready for sexy time, but a nice date with the right potential would be great.
I want to go on a movie marathon with someone fun. Seeing 4 or 5 movies on one ticket stub with a hilarious person is one word- Awesome.
I've got red highlights (in my braids) and the kids at the clinic are amazed… it's interesting to feel little 3-6yr old hands in my hair trying to figure out how I got 'play' hair to stay.
I'm ready to take a trip.

Ok- enough randomness… I'm going to get some breakfast.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Short and Sweet

I've been home for a bit- talking on the phone and watching tv...
I'm getting ready to go out...
Long week (even though it finished earlier than most weeks cause class was cancelled tonight)
I'm definitely drinking...
I got yelled at for lack of posting...
I'm gonna double dose you since this one isn't really a post, just something quick on paper
Tomorrow morning, taking the car to the dealership for more repairs (you would think after having it for a month, they would have fixed it correctly, but nooooooooooooo...smh)
Mr. Hey You has become Mr. Hell No.... which is not surprising...sigh
I am officially in love with my traumatic brain injury class...
I like my internship, but I'm looking forward to it being over (6wks and counting)
(Watching tv) This bridezilla has lost her mind
I'm ready for some sexy time- Any volunteers?
Alright... I need to get ready for tonight's shake a tail feather endeavors...
See you tomorrow