Wednesday, April 30, 2008

A blog dialogue- The 3

'Hey ladies, we gotta start getting ready to go out. James is standing at the alter and the groom and groomsmen are makin there way out there.' Diva interrupts the convo to alert the bride.

She stands and Deja pulls Eb's veil over her eyes making eye contact to try and determine what Eb wants her to do. She smiles and nods and Deja allows the veil to fall… She made the decision.

As places are taken and the bridesmaids begin making their procession down the aisle to the tune of Wreckless Love, Eb takes a deep breathe and says a little prayer.

Dear God,
I pray that this be your will and I ask that you bless this union for all days. Amen.

As she steps out and begins her procession, All-4-One standing in the balcony directly above the alter, start their acappella rendition of So Much in Love

Stacie takes a handkerchief and wipes her eyes as 1/3 makes eye contact with Charles and smiles; -1- puts arm around KB and Jintu gives Queen a light neck kiss; Rashan licks his lips and smiles over at Jersey who uncrosses and crosses her legs seductively; Char discreetly links fingers with Buttercup while Britt slips her arm through 1980's; Cannon continues to talk under his breath with Zephi and Niga ignores them, staring at Don wondering about him. Only a few actually pay attention to the bride as she walks down the aisle, but only one matters… and his eyes are locked.

Eb's prayer lingers in her mind and she stares into the eyes of the man she is about to commit to for the rest of her life...

And she stops. Because she feels his eyes on her as they bore ferociously… she cannot move. She turns slightly and looks to the men standing to the left of her future husband (Dessex, One Man, Don, and Rashan). There he stood, watching her with quiet strength, unmoved and stoic. She is frozen where she stands and knows that she just cannot move forward.

Soumy, seeing the hesitation, leaves the canopied alter and walks up to her, which causes chatter to break out. He sees her distraction and understands its roots, but wants to push through it and make this woman his bride. He takes her hand with one hand and moves the veil up with the other… the room fades around them.


Eyes cast down

'You can trust me baby?'

Eyes make contact, tear stung

Soumy takes a deep breath, stands up straighter and asks 'You still want him in your life don't you?'

An apologetic shrug

'You don't want me?'

Eb eyes grow large and she places a hand on his face, 'No! No! That's not it… I love you Soum… more than you know… but….' as tears begin to shed, 'I just can't stop thinking about him since that night. I've tried to shake it… Did everything in my power to do so… but I just can't. I don't know what to do Soumy… Tell me, what do you want me to do.' He puts an arm around her and holds her in a warm embrace.

James standing at the alter ready to commence the ceremony breaks into their world with a booming voice that is really unexpected.

'Eb, Soumy… I want to talk to you two. There are some things that need to be addressed, and clearly you two have not done so. I have sat on the sidelines for too long, and I want the success of black couples to be a typical thing, so com'mon. Let's go talk.'

Rashan looks over at me with the Smirk, and I shake my head and reprimand him with a mouthed 'stop it, jerk'

As James, Soumy, and Eb leave the main hall, and walk to the groom's room… Diva puts one hand on her hip and asks the question that we all wanna know the answer to...

'Which one of ya'll tworked it out for Eb? Cause aint no way she's duckin Soum for anything less than that. One of ya'll got some quote'n'quote good dick that she can't get past...'

Dessex looks over at One Man whose smiling over at Deja. Rashan blows kisses to Jersey who is performing fellatio on her finger causing Cannon to climb over the back of her pew so that he can sit next to her and fantasize. Jameil rolls her eyes and shakes her head at Cannon mumbling 'youngin'. Don is distracted by KB and -1- kissing in the back of the church and doesn't pay attention to what Diva is asking. Swag shifts a bit to give them room and glances up at me, motioning to them and I giggle softly.

Snapping her fingers and walking over to the boys to get their attention, Diva inquires, 'Which one of you hit that?' looking at each groomsman.

They all stand there shaking their heads no, and Diva's gaze lingers on Rashan.

'Well... one of you did, cause she was starin up here when she stopped her procession.'

Rashan looks back at Diva completely unaffected by her glare. 'Well it ain't me, so you can just stop looking this way.'

One Man, Dessex, and Don have yet to respond.

Deja pipes up from the bride's side, 'Why are you ashamed of your dick action. Clearly you did a good job, whichever one of you did it… so why act like it aint you.'

'Cause I save my 'tworking' for my lady and don't feel like I'm part of this conversation,' Dessex pipes up, pointing to his lady sitting in the pew behind Jersey who has moved to touching and fondling her own breasts causing Cannon to slump a bit in his seat so that he can be at eye level. Every so often, he sticks his tongue out and Jintu chuckles at his antics.

One Man and Don are left, but neither one say a word.

'Fine, you don't want to say anything… then I'll just have to assume it was Don, since you guys kissed awhile back,' Diva shrugs…

'A kiss and sex are two different things, so you can just throw that logic out the window,' Don responds.

'Well, why won't you answer?' I look directly at him.

'Because what I do is what I do, and I don't feel I have to answer… besides, I'm not the only single groomsman up here….' deflecting the attention from himself to One.

'But One's only partner has four fingers and one thumb and is attached to his right arm…,' Deja points out.

'Everyone has a first time.'
Rashan interjects

'Well then, who is it? You or One Man?'

Don and One Man look at each other, shrug and both stand silent.

'This is some shit.' 1980 adds. Looking over at Britt, 'See, aren't you happy we didn't leave?' Britt furrows her brow and crosses her arms.

'I would never be in a situation like that.'

'What a fucking surprise.' KB retorts

-1- laughs lightly at KB, 'How did you even hear her?' KB just shrugs and goes back to running her fingers thru -1-'s hair.

Just then, James, Eb, and Soumy walk back into the church. All eyes look in their direction and James begins to speak.

Monday, April 28, 2008

A blog dialogue- The

-1-'s holding tightly to KB in a firm embrace as she shouted and pulled to get over to Britt. Britt, not one for confrontation, turned to 1980

'I want to go…,' glancing back to KB, 'Now!'

KB breaks free from -1-'s embrace and just as she reaches Britt, 1980 stands in front of her, blocking KB's access to Britt's hair.

'Calm it down KB! Is it all that serious?!' 1980 looking down from his towering stature at KB who stood over a foot below him.

-1- walks over to KB as she stayed fuming where she stood not bothering to try to push through 1980 and whispered in her ear,

'Baby, ease up. I know what's up, but you can't act like this. She's not worth it and you know that she's not gonna change. Just do you and know that I care about you. I mean, honestly, isn't that all that matters.'

KB turns and looks up at -1-, catching the intense eye contact that -1- was given.

At this point, Jameil and Stacie walk in joking and laughing about the conversation that Jameil had with drunk Rashan last night.

Jameil waves when she sees me and Diva, but pulls up at the sight of everyone staring at the KB, -1-, 1980, Britt cluster.

'What's going on?' Stacie looks at everyone not completely understanding what she missed, but knowing that it was probably good.

-1- leads KB back to their pew and 1980 sits down on the other side, a few rows behind KB and -1- and pulls Britt to sit next to him as she continues expressing her desire to leave.

Stacie whispers over to Jameil, 'See, I knew we should have gotten here early. Got me missin good blog drama.'

1/3, Diva, and I walk back over to Eb's room as Lea walks in holding a Corona on the arm of Sojourn, Char and Buttercup chatting up trickle in shortly after, and Hadassah and Roxy stroll in getting acquainted with one another as they grab a seat near Britt and 1980.

'Hey, where's Charles?' I whisper over to 1/3.

'I wore him out last night girl. I'll be surprised if he can walk.' She does a light hair flip with her shiny straight locks that look breathtaking today. I'm stunned a bit not expecting the comment that fell out of her mouth and immediately stop my step.

She laughs and pulls my hand to get me moving 'I'm just kidding. We're takin it slow, for obvious reasons. He called this morning and said he had to stop and get something before comin to the church. Probably his suit…So last minute that man.'

As we walk into the bride's room, a woman walks into the church, who pulls the attention of the entire room. She a statuesque, long legged exotic looking woman that has an overwhelming amount of flawless makeup meticulously applied, looks around the church and begins searching for a seat. She is dressed in a soft sundress that does little to hide her razor sharp curves. Stace leans over to Jameil and asks if she recognizes her. Jameil shakes her head no. -1- stops her lowered conversation with KB and watches this woman walk. KB looks at -1- with the face of a jealous woman, quickly grips -1- face and makes her meet her eyes, 'Here.' Swag can't help but stare at this woman due to her likeness to Te.edr.a and leans over to Char asking him if he was the only one who thought so. Char shrugs not knowing who Te.edr.a was, which leads Swag into a full out discussion of how he needed to download songs from her.

Rashan rushes out from the back room on the groom's side and slows his swagger when he hits the main church, making sure he's looking completely together and greets the no name nubian.

'Hey beautiful. Thank you for coming. How bout you take a seat right here,' gesturing to the pew directly in front of where he would be standing.

As he heads back, he gets cornered by Jameil.

'Who is that?' Jameil folds her arms and waits for the explanation.

'No one that you need to worry your pretty little head about. Just go back and sit down.' Rashan tries to brush her off, but Jameil doesn't give up quite so easily.

'Is that the stripper from last night that you kept going on and on about?'

He shrugs and pushes past her, laughing a little because he knew he was gonna be having some fun.

As he walked back into the groom's room, Dessex was pushing Soumy to his feet and Don and One were starting to get fully dressed.

'Yo, Jersey is here.'

The guys look at each other then back to Rashan.

'Are you out of your mind? What the hell is she doing here?' asks Don

'I didn't really think she would come. But she sent me a text letting me know she was here, and when I walked out there, she was.'

Soumy tries to recall this woman, but doesn't and looks to Dessex. 'Who is that?'

Dessex shakes his head, laughing. 'The woman who lap danced your sanity right out of you last night.'

Soumy gaze shifts to Rashan with a look of sheer dread on his face.

'Shan, what the hell is wrong with you man? Do you know that Eb will rip her face off if she finds out who that woman is? Whachu tryna do to me?' Soum shakes his head.

Rashan laughs, 'Don't sweat it man. Just tell Eb she's my date. In truth, she is. You don't have to tell her anything and we are the only one's who know how I know her, so it should be cool. Now stop worryin about it and get yourself together. You got about 20min before 'I do's' get thrown around and you need to be wrappin your head around that shit.'

Silence falls and the guys continue to get ready in the comfortable quiet; a sharp contrast to the whirlwind commotional room of the bride, who is having an emotional breakdown.

Turning to Deja, Eb whispers, 'Deja, I don't think I can do this. I mean…COMMIT COMMIT?!?! Forever EVER,' looks down at her left hand that was delicately adorned by a classically designed 2 carat princess cut diamond set in white gold, the engagement ring that felt so heavy on her hand today.

Deja responds surprised, 'Why not?'

'Because…I..umm… I think I might be…well… feeling someone else. At first, I thought it was just wedding jitters, but I'm really thinking this is more. He makes me feel sooo amazing, and he is such an enigma. I can never tell how he feels, which makes me yearn for him even more. I feel like a school girl with him, which tells me that this really is something that needs to be addressed. I don't know, what do you think?'

'Well who is it?'

'Well…ummm… it's….'

Saturday, April 26, 2008

A blog dialogue- The Wedding

1/3 walks into the bride's room looking radiant in the soft lavender strapless dress that was hand chosen by the bride. She closes the door behind her and walks directly over to me and Diva who are dressed in dresses that match in color but not style. We are focusing on doing our duty of assisting the bride when she pulls us away and whispers

'Can I talk to you two?'

I look over at 1/3 and see the concern in her eyes and I immediately get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Luckily the bride was busy talking to Deja, the fourth and final bridesmaid, who was expressing her annoyance with being on her period while still having to dress up.

Diva and I walk outta the room, closing the door behind us just as Deja broke into her master plan for safe uterus removal making the bride break out in deep throat laughter. Which was needed, because her nervousness was getting on everyone's nerves this morning.

'What's up?' Diva turns to 1/3 giving the 'this better be good' face.

'Well, I was just talking to Rashan and he was telling me that the groom is still drunk from last night.'

'WHAT!?' I can't help but raise my voice a bit, but quickly quiet down thinkin the bride is right behind the door and can probably hear me. Sure enough, I see her head pop out and she looks at me.

'What's going on?'

'Nothing.' 1/3 and I respond quickly and smile nervously. 'We're just talking about the fight that 1/3 and Charles had last night….he may not be here.' I said the first thing that came to mind and placed an arm around 1/3, who quickly began to nod sadly.

'Awwww, sweetie. Give him a call and try to work things out. I want all of you here and happy on my day.'

Diva walks over to the door and says 'Focus on yourself woman. We've got this…' laughing softly, she closes the door leaving the bride inside and turns, giving me the side eye and walks straight through me and 1/3 in the direction of the groom's room. Me and 1/3 look at each other, shrug, and immediately follow the trail of heat that is exuded by Diva's steaming form.

As she cuts through the main church, we follow and I look at the finished product of the bride's vision. Purple posy's accentuated by white daisy's were strategically placed all around the expansive church tied together with sheer white cloth. It was beautiful, and as guests of the bride and groom began filing in, they commented on the exquisitely built canopy that stood at the front of the room, awaiting to house the love birds.

'Desy, 1/3!' I turn and see KB waving as -1- kisses KB's newly tattooed wrist trying to pull her attention back to her. Swag is sitting next to them and our eye contact causes an unexpected smile on my face. 1/3 sees my reaction and says

'What was that?'

"What?...nothing…' I shrug weakly and keep walking, but stop at the sight of Queen and Jintu sitting cozily. I raise an eyebrow but don't say anything. Sitting a row behind them, is Niga eavesdropping on Zephi and Cannon as she argues with him over his use of the phrase 'getting butt', Niga shaking her head every now and then at the trivial conversation that she can't resist listening to. I look behind me, and catch 1/3 chatting it up with Britt and 1980 who just walked into the church.

'Hey, we'mon let's go…' I pull her in the direction that Diva had disappeared into a few minutes earlier, and as we get closer to the groom's room, we hear her sarcastically conversing with the culprit, Rashan.

'Can you explain to me how he's STILL drunk?'

'I don't know. I mean, I just took him out to this joint that I love and taught him the commandments, while drinking and having a good time. I honestly didn't pay attention to what everyone was drinking or how much. I'm no one's keeper.' shrugging, his face began revealing his annoyance at this conversation

'Did you really have to have the bachelor party LAST NIGHT? I mean, you knew what was going to happen, big head.'

'No I didn't. All I knew is that we were gonna have a good time. Look, he'll be fine by the time he has to stand at the alter… Just let us take care of it.'

Don walks out of the groom's room at the sound of Diva and Rashan's conversation and stops at the sight of me with my hair piled high in soft natural curls leaving my shoulders exposed in the spaghetti strap, thigh high slit form fitting bridesmaid's dress.

'My my miss Desy. Don't you look lovely.'

'Why thank you Don.' I walk quickly past him and enter into the groom's room. There stands One Man fully dressed from the waist up. His pants are laying perfectly pressed on a hanger in the closet provided, which offers me the in person view of his ashiness.

'Wow One…' I shake my head in amazement at his stubborness to NEVER wear lotion.

'Wha…? I'm not trynna get wrinkled…' He shrugs

'I am SO not talkin about that One… Lotion?'…. He shakes his head no as my attention gets pulled to the other corner at the sound of he groom throwing up in a small garbage can. Dessex is standing next to him laughing at his misery.

'I told you last night to ease up man. Why didn't you listen…' Dessex walks over to me and gives me a hug

'Hey, can you go get him a glass of water and some crackers. Please… we need to get him ready within the next hour and it is SO clear right now that he is no where near it.' I give Dessex a pleading look and he looks over his shoulder back at the groom who is revisiting the garbage can for the 3rd time this morning.

'Alright… be back in a few'.

'Sweety, how are you feeling?' I know it's a dumb question, but I gotta ask as I walk over to him and lean forward to get a gage on his facial. Not good….not good at all.

I pull out my smelling salt that I bought specifically for this reason and hold it underneath his nose. He pulls up quickly and sits back in the chair. I pull out a rag and start wiping his face as I begin my lecturing

James walks in just as I finish and he walks over to me.

'How's he doing?'

I shrug and look back at the groom.

'You know this isn't a good sign. I don't understand why he got so tore up if he…' not finishing the sentence, he just shook his head.

'Look, we are not gonna over analyze this situation Jay. Last night and today's throwing up can be a result of his nervousness. That is not a ridiculous notion at all. Now think positive and help him out

Don walks back in, accompanied by Diva, 1/3, Rashan, and Dessex who is holding the water and crackers I requested.

As the groom begins putting some nutrients back into his body, Rashan tries to shoo us ladies out of the room.

'Look, Soum'll be fine. Now go back to Eb's room and get her situated. She's gonna need ya'll.'

As we walk outta of the groom's room… we hear commotion in the main church and rush over just in time to see KB shouting angrily across the church at Britt as she is being held back by -1-….

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I was thought of...

I don't usually do these, and I probably never will again, but since I'm SO tired and dont have the energy to finish the dialogue... i'mma work this tag out

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you…
1/3, Hadassah, Niga and Cannon

2. Mention the rules in your blog…
Ummmm, yeah... theses are them

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

~I can float on my back in a pool for endless amounts of time....

~I speak Creole, English, French (on a basic level), and know American Sign Language; also, I speak some Spanish and understand quite a bit more

~I like talking to strangers that are nice. In fact, in one instance, me and my friend were at an Emeril's restaurant and I actually gave a piece of my steak to the couple sitting next to me cause the husband was ALL about my steak... and just wanted to try it. Next thing I know, they are paying for our dessert.... I love stuff like that

~I THOROUGHLY enjoy being alone. Not ALL the time, but at least one or two times a week if I can pull it. No phones, no conversation, and no people to people interaction is ideal...

~I've rotated my own tires... changed my own oil (with the help of friend at his house) and get down when it comes to yard work. It's soooo not my favorite thing to do on a Sunday, but I will if I see fam workin it out... I don't mind helpin out

~I hate eating the same stuff for days on end. My step mom has cooked large meals for as long as I can remember that last 2-3 days...I don't know if it's cause it's been like that my WHOLE life, but I'm definately cannot do it anymore (unless i'm broke, or starving)

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
I'm breakin this rule cause whoever wants to do this has already done it....and whoever hasn't and wants it and say i told u to...

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

6. Unspectacular quirks
Didn't I just do this?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What happen to all my time?

Being busy ruins my possibility to breath.

I actually slept 14 hours on saturday.... all the way to 4pm.... what a waste of a day. Why, you ask... because I only got 2.5 hours of sleep thurs night and i went out fri night, dancing and drinking, enjoying the completion of another stress filled week. When I finally got in bed, my body was EXTRA ready- hence the excessive sleeping

sunday, i spent the entire day at a surprise party for a friend who ended up getting engaged, which opened a huge can of emotional worms for me. I ended up crying myself to sleep. Congratulations to my mi gente...tu estas muy bonita y te amo mucho por mi vida

Today, I was at school from 9am-8pm doing revisions and having close out meetings with supervisors... and I'm back to being exhausted...

And all I want to do is blog...which i can't even do properly because of the end of school days

:sigh: soon... very soon, it will be over; and all I'll have is time. I CAN'T WAIT!

How weird do i sound right now...? oh

Sunday, April 20, 2008

You Ever...?

You ever... wanted to switch places with anyone that wasn't you just so that you could lose your mind for a minute in someone else's world and then come back to yourself like nothing happened?

You ever... wonder what it would be like if you were Darius or Nina (Love Jones reference)?

You ever...had something so great to post about, but when you got home, you completely forgot what the hell it was and you ended up writing something completely different?

You ever... made the worst dinner in your life, but had nothing else to eat and no money so you ate it anyway?

You ever... heard a story so good, then when you are sad or angry, you think about it and it makes you smile or laugh?

You ever...wonder about what a fellow blogger might be doing at any moment in your day, even though you've never spoken to them?

You ever...find yourself going to a movie alone because.... well... just cause?

You ever... flirt just because the attention was nice, even though you kind of knew that that was as far as it would go?

You ever... think about that special someone and scroll through your phone debating on dialing

You ever...been so hungry that even though you dropped that food item on the ground, you kiss it to the sky and ate it anyway (Eddie Murphy or sang that song 'God made dirt, dirt don't hurt, put it ya mouth, see if it works'

You so incredibly drunk that you and your tv had a long one on one about the state of our nation and who might potentially win the democratic vote?

You ever... get mad cause you spilled red kool aid on (insert: couch, carpet, clothing, car) and just KNEW that shyt wouldn't come out?

You ever... sat in class knowing that every word coming out your professors mouth was just the soundtrack to your daydreaming.

You ever...jump from blog to blog multiple times a day while going back to your own every so often to check to see if there is a new comment?

You ever... make up a bullshit post because you have nothing to talk about but you have a schedule to follow so you just put up whatever comes to mind? yeah... me

A blog dialogue-'The Wedding' currently in progress....

Friday, April 18, 2008

I'm done!

I just got done with my last report. It will be revised and such, but the bulk of the work is over...*sigh*. I'm off to sleep for the next three hours, then up to go to work, then home for a brief regrouping... then, the joys of Happy Hour!... with friends from school and life... should be interesting

ESPECIALLY if I run into someone like him... (cause you know they pound the reggae around 1am and this song is the anthem that leads the

Happy Friday All!! I will be visiting EVERYONE i've neglected this week and makin sure I show love this Sat...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

At her finest

I'm up. But I haven't gotten out of bed. Instead, I've turned the on the television and I pulled the laptop on my tummy. I'm supposed to be getting ready right now because I haven't prepared for a last minute diagnostic that I signed up for (this is the xtra work I was talking about). I'm a little bit more relaxed because the client won't be there until noon, and I'll probably get to the clinic early enough to prepare, but if I get too comfortable, I will fall back asleep. My day today? Preparation for diagnostic, then diagnostic for 2 hours, starting on the report while psychically getting something to eat. Stopping at 5 so I can create the powerpoint presentation for my research class at 6 on the 20pg report I wrote this weekend (shouldn't be too hard). Drive over to campus, listen to presentations and do one of my own, hopefully get out before 9 and start on the 45min drive home.

Can I just say that I had a dream that someone rear ended me? Well, I was in the middle of traffic, so I back up, and I backed right into the front of someone's car. A well dressed bum kept telling me she was ok and would be happy if I just cut her a check. The back of my ride was WRECKED and hers was cool... *smh*... I hope I'm not foreshadowing

Man... procrastination is SO at her finest this morning... Alright, I'm getting up and getting started. I'm already a 1/2 hour behind schedule....

Monday, April 14, 2008


I have two weeks of school left, but this is my last week of therapy/classes/working. I have a mountains worth of reports to complete, but no finals so that's awesome. Today (Sunday), I finally completed my 20pg research paper (my longest paper), that I put together using papers that I did in the past as well as from other research articles (all sited of course). I don't even know why I put any effort into it at all. I mean, it's not like the professor is gonna read it... He's one of those teachers that sits at his desk and counts the pages rather than actually reading the content. As long as you turn something in that is between 10-20pgs with about 7-20 sources, your all good. I mean, I have done so much blogging in that class, it's ridiculous…

What does it say about me that I have to ask all my female friends to do something. I know that I kind of create these lackadaisical natures within them because I am so aggressive, but after a while, I become just as lethargic about calling and making plans…and what ends up happening? Nothing. No one calls. No one asks. We don't hang out. And it's not like for one week… it can go for months. How am I not missed within that time? Some are in school and see me in the clinic from time to time, but that's not the same as hanging out or talking on the phone, or going out and having a great time. Sigh… Will I change my aggressive ways tho…? Probably not, most likely because I fear that if I do change, these women will disappear from my life and all the investments I've made will be all for naught. If I was talkin to a psychologist, I can almost hear her/him asking me if I feel this has something to do with my mother…..YES, Damn it!... *quietly* I guess it does.

Time for some 'singles ad' exposure. Things that make me the woman I am:

~I talk incessantly… but I listen just as intensely (just don't expect me to remember anything... my mind is

~It's amazing how I can turn a regular statement into a sexual innuendo… I hear that is due to my virginal state

~I have high expectations for myself and others

~I hate to be bored and require laughter

~I have no problems admitting when I'm wrong and appreciate the experience of being proved as such… it promotes growth

~I am defensive about my family…(Rashan has felt this wrath…lol). And sometimes it happens obscurely and I don't even realize that I'm being that way. But I kno they aren't perfect and I complain about them from time to time… just…ummm… don't you do it…lol (and no, not you Rashan… you've already learned this lesson…lol)

~I love the getting to know you process… and I want to be involved in it for hours upon hours that stretch across days for years with someone who wrinkles my brain, works my abs, and pleases my eyes

~I go to clubs to dance. I could honestly be in there alone (and have been pretty damn close) and not give a damn. As long as the music is good, I am on the floor. And I do it well, if I do say so myself...which leads me to

~I realize I am good at many things… I sing (very well), dance (very well), write (very well), provide therapy (very well).. But there is nothing that I am AMAZING at. I mean, purely amazing, where people sit in ahhh at its creation. I wonder if I'll ever do that in my lifetime. And do you know where I wanna do it if I do? In the area of motherhood….

I'm done… what are things that make you who you are?

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Damn Damn Damn

I have got a sea of things to do, and I'm so not ready. All I want is to lounge around my house and watch Lord of the Rings (which is currently playin in the background)...

I didn't go out last night. Instead, I hung around at a friend's house for most of the afternoon and some of the evening. She brought me to tears I laughed so hard. And she told me some things about myself that made me really look at myself in the mirror. I think she's probably one of the best people I have around me, because she is sooo honest with me and makes sure that I continue to grow as a person. It's ashame our friendship didn't blossom earlier

I want a real date. I haven't had a real date in ages... AGES.... and I want one; with a nice guy, that I may or may not be interested in romantically, but is fun to be around none the less

I think I like investing in blog relationships. You've read this person's thoughts for a good period of time and to actually get the opportunity to have discourse is really great. I wonder if in time they can truly become friendships....hmmm

I was deeply disappointed in someone this week. It hurt my heart so bad that I cried a bit. It's hard wishing growth when it just doesn't happen...

I WANNA HAVE SEX....... there I said it. Now that that is out of my system, I can comfortably fall in line in maintaining my virginity...*smh*...

Why did I volunteer for more school work when I have too much already?... sigh- I just hate passing up learning opportunities, but DAMN.... It always happens to me. I get exciting about the new learning opportunity, but get tormented by the work I've just added to my regimen.... *deep breath in, deep breath out*... I can handle it... and I know it's good for me...

Man- and I started this post with nothin to

Thursday, April 10, 2008 Like Me

So I was going through some of my regular blogs and I came across this song on one of the play lists that automatically starts when you get to the page that I've not been a huge fan of (except for a few sites that keep it Anyway.. I wanna say thanks hadassah because when I heard this song, I could not stop listening to it. And when I say not stop listening to it, I mean, I put it on my mp3 immediately and had it on repeat when I was in the yard working, had it on my laptop when continuing to blog, made a cd just so that I could have it when I get in my car. There is something about real instrument work that makes me groove so hard that I loose myself. But it wasn't just that. It was the words that made me listen real intensly. I mean, I really related and honestly, I have not identified with a song about my current mental state of womanhood so fiercely in recent years. And go figure... it comes from the movie P.anther... Lemme break it comments are in red)

The Lyr.ics
[VERSE 1:]

Do you think
You could fall for a woman like me
(that's always a qestion I have)
Cause I find it hard to trust
(omgosh if this aint the truth, I don't know what is)
I need too much
(I've always felt like someone that might expect a great deal; especially within the initial pursuit~ the lacksidasical nature of a man really makes me think that I may need too much sometimes...)
And I really don't believe in love, no no
(I do believe in love, but I'm still questioning it's possibility for me...sometimes...I go back and forth with it)
Do you think
That I could be the girl of your dreams
(cause God knows I wanna be)
Sometimes I don't let things go
(But I do my best to talk myself rationally through it)
Get emotional
(well I am a woman... what do you
And sometimes
I'm just out of control
(ummmm, no

You need to stop for a minute
Before you get too, deep up in it(Too deep)
(yeh... cause I may not be where you are emotionally since I have been known to be guarded)
'Cause everything ain't what it seems
(my flirtatious nature may be perceived wrong)
It's hard loving a woman
A woman like me(Woman like me)
(i'll wait for someone to actually be in love with me before i co-sign on this line)
You need to think about it
(yes... please think. i don't like those that kinda back into it relationships... e.g. chillin every so often, starting to get physical, then next thing you know, someones callin someone else a significant other... as sooo many relationships do these days it seems like)
Before you get hooked on the venom
(haha, yeah... i can be poisonous i guess)
And can't live without it(No no)
(addiction... might be nice)
Can't believe everything you see
It's hard loving a woman
A woman like me

[VERSE 2:]
Do you think
That I could be the one that you seek
(ya'll see that line ^^^^= that YOU seek... umhmmm, men need to think on
'Cause baby I'm one step ahead
You're two steps behind
But baby I don't mind
(i definately think waaaaay ahead when dealing with people... the projection of where our interaction can possibly go. I may not discuss it, but I definately think on it)
Do you think
That I can make you real happy baby
(because I could...*smiles*)
Just don't get me wrong
My loving is so strong
(mmmhmmm, because it's potent... hasn't been diluted with other
But I ain't tryna lead you on


Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Would You Rather?

This weekend, I found myself hanging out with some friends by U,C,F (which is across town for me). I try not to make it a habit to go there when I don't have class or therapy, but after moving with the brudder and sis in law on sat (can I just admit that I was about 2 hrs late for that...damn sat afternoon, i got a call from one of my good friend's in the speech program who wanted to do a night of board games. I was down, and despite the weather, I drove my newly repaired honey 45min to the east side (avoiding an idiotic driver who stopped short, FU--ER!... bringin it in cause that is very un-Christ-like...). Anyway... we were sitting around waiting for her roommates friends to show up, talking and laughing, and just decided to play a simple game that didn't require too many people (since her roommates people were MIA). And what's the best game to play when you are interested in the mentality of the people around you? That's right folks- Woul.d Y.ou R.ather was in full affect. But me being me got real bored with the questions and decided to adjust the type of questions. Thus the game evolved in Naughty Woul.d Y.ou R.ather.... and because some of these questions were hilarious and thought provoking... I decided to transfer the questions here and see who is bold enough to answer these questions honestly.... So who's up for it? Alright... Here are the questions:

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
get oral sex from an incredibly unattractive person who becomes clingy, or sex with someone who is breathe taking with a small penis/ wide open pussy who cannot provide oral?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
have sex on a bed of nails or hot coals?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
be considered a whore or a prude?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
suck a homeless person's toes or provide oral sex?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
have sex in front of your parents or only have access to giving and getting oral for the next 5yrs?
Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
be naked on tv for all the world to see, or be naked in class/at work?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
have non harmful constant genital itching (non curable) or puss exuding facial blisters?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
pee on your partner during sex, or fart loudly in a room of attractive people?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
have sex with an inanimate object for life, or sex with a mentally retarded person for life?

Woul.d Y.ou R.ather...
be confined in a room with every enjoyable electronic device known to man (including the Internet) but never have any person to person contact, or confined with your best friend (or lover) for the rest of your life?

Think on
*anxiously awaiting the responses*

Sunday, April 6, 2008

A fictional tale (pt. 3)

I leaned forward and placed the almost empty glass down on the table and lifted his untouched glass bringing it to rest on my lap. Unexpectedly, he stood and began this pacing that I guess had become his new method of thought processing. I listened as he rambled going back and forth from one end of the expansive living room to the other, taking brief moments to stop and look at me.

'I know that there is no real reason why I should be here. I promised you space, but I needed to see you. But I know that you are going to tell me that if I loved you then I would have sacrificed my own selfish needs and given you what you wanted, but I just…,' a sigh. It escaped from him so powerfully, the hair on my posterior neck was tousled by its strength. He walked over to me then. His scent, a mixture of aftershave and signature cologne (Black), wafted through my nostrils into the memory centers of my brain triggering a sea of unbridled images and moments filled with laughter and tears, hatred and love, sex and conversation. Thoughts that I'd meticulously folded neatly and packed away in storage, never to be touched again.

He gently took the glass from me hands taking a sip before putting it behind him. Placing his large hands on my bended knees, he tried to capture my eyes, but I refused, choosing to linger longer on my now intertwined fingers. He raised a single finger to meet the base of my chin and lifted, heat rising to my face knowing that he would see. And he did. The tears had begun their descent down my face, one lone soldier after the other in a silent march of solace and pain. He brought his hands up to cradle my face, doing all that he could to erase their trail. A futile attempt. Smoothly, I brought my hands to my own face and began wiping the tears, breaking his embrace.

'I want you to leave.' The words came almost inaudibly, and if I had not said them myself, I would have doubted their existence. His presence imprisoned me in a state of upsetednessocity and I was desperate to find the key, frantically in need to find fresh air.

'No you don't.' My eyes met his and the certainty of his statement discovered the legless stance in which his beliefs stood.

'Ok, maybe you do…. But I have to know. Do you still love me? Can we work thru this? I'm drowning over here and I just need to know if we can'

My furrowed brow held in check my angered outburst that was soon to erupt. HOW can you ask me this now?! NOW when I am no where near ready?! Don't you KNOW what I've been through?! NO, you don't! Because you weren't here! Because you couldn't bare to be with me?! I can't do this and I do wish you would get out. NOW! My mind stood on table tops shouting at the top of its nerves, atoms clenched, dendrites diggin into the palms of lobes, but I sat silent. I didn't respond, I just sat. And he waited, unmovable because he was drinking me in not knowing when he would have this opportunity again.

'Please… I don't want to go without knowing,' He quietly implored. I had to move. The proximity was too much and I was overdosing on the feel of his hands on me. I pushed his hands away from my knees and unfolded my legs, forcing his retreat from his lowered position in front of me. As I got up, he stood as well and brought himself dangerously close to me; however keeping his hands by his side, rather than scooping me up in his embrace. I looked up into his deep set windows of soundless glass, placing one small hand against his cheek.

'I have nothing to say to you.' And with that, I swiftly turned to walk toward the door. My movement was halted by his hands as they broke rank and enveloped my waist in one effortless motion pulling me to him. Chest against back, he buried his tear streaked face in the nook where my shoulder blade met my neck. I wrapped his embrace with one of my own and it was within that moment that the sobs finally came. For so long, I had lamented my loss and exiled my instinctual emotion because it was too much to bare. But within the bends of his arms, the reaction attacked my soul and I felt every inch of my loss. Our loss. Our baby.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

We're moving!!!

This completely throws me off my regular every other day posting... but I'm still gonna post tomorrow, so it's all (Do I appear anal?...Maybe a little....? Whatever, no one really blogs on the weekend

Sooooo, my Brudder and the wife are moving today (YIPPEE!). Why am I so happy?? Because they are moving within 5min of my current residential local (my parents house). It'll be great to be so close to him and I'm really happy... but this does affect what I think for my future, in terms of where I live. I love my family and I love to be close to them and to know that they are all gonna be here (even tho I don't really think I want to stay in Orlando forever), gives me another reason to want to raise a family here. I guess I'll just take this one day at a time?... Yeh... that's what I'll do...(like I have much of a choice).

Also... Did ya'll see the Oprah interview of the pregnant man? It was....ummmm...different?

3 more weeks left for classes!!!! 2 more weeks of therapy!!! Which means cramming and report writing out the AZZ!!

One of my friends told me that he is interested in changing the dynamics and moving into a romantic relationship. Made me think of Diva's post cause that is exactly how this situation is. I know that we wouldn't work. He's just He's physically on point (6'4", works out daily, strong bone structure, mahogany skin...mmmmm), but he's always being philosophical and thought provoking... and sometimes, I just want to be silly and light. I don't know...:sigh:

Should I utterz part 3?

My high school crush is sending me letters... he's in the military... I haven't closed the door on that situation, but it's not a possibility (he has a young The only thing, his letters confuse me sometimes... *smh*. If only he wasn't so gorgeous...

I'll just try not to get (romantically) emotionally involved; otherwise, I have the feeling that I'm gonna get hurt~ regardless of what his letters hint...
Have a happy Saturday!!

Friday, April 4, 2008

A fictional tale (pt. 2)

He walked into the living room and took in the foreign view of prestine floors and everything just so item placement.

'Wow. This place looks great. Definitely a change from when I took up every corner of this room with my clutter' a lopsided grin formulating on those smooth perfect lips whose touch had not been forgotten by my skin nerves that tingled at the sight of them. I didn't respond and headed back towards the kitchen to continue in my after work ritual. I felt his eyes follow, but he remained lodged in the comfort of the room he'd spent most of his time in. I walked over to the cupboard that hovered just above the island and pulled out a glass with the weary hand that had been taken too far and was now shaking. Placing it next to the milk, I stood staring at nothing in particular. Quickly I regrouped and decided to replace the milk thinkin not strong enough. I took the Armadale out of the freezer and began pouring with little intention of stopping. The other hand, still clutching the cookies, quickly traveled to my mouth and I popped in one delectable chocolate addiction. I closed my eyes and held it there for softening and savoring of the calming properties that this snack seemed to have. I chewed slowly while opening my eyes seeing that the glass was about to overflow.

'Shit,' I mumbled putting the bottle down heavily.

'Is everything ok?' filtered in from the other room.

Again, I did not respond to him and debated on chugging the entire glass. I need to get it together. I took out another glass and poured half of the contents of the initial glass into the second. I grabbed some ice and dropped them in the clear liquid, took a sip from both glasses followed by a deep breath, and walked back into the living room. I paused for a moment taking in the picture I had before me. He, sitting on the single seat that sat adjacent to the matching plush beige couch, was staring at the kitchen door that I now stood in front of. He was sitting forward, elbows on knees while his hands came together underneath his chin. I could see his jaw clenching repeatedly, a habit that I'd jokingly told him would ruined his enamel, cause him to get dentures, and lose his kissing privileges. I bit back the habit and just walked toward him enduring his unfaltering gaze. My heart, still not fully repaired from our last encounter, fluttered painfully as I offered him the glass. He took it without questioning its content and placed it soundly on the stainless steel framed glass coffee table without drinking. I sat on the couch in the portion closest to him, bringing up my pinstripe slack covered legs into the indian style seating that I was infamous for. I took a deep slow sip, grasping the glass with one shaky hand and one cookie clenching hand to keep it steady. I looked straight ahead at the unlit fire place that no longer had photos adorning the mantle as I felt his eyes bore into me aggressively. He initiates

'How are you?' looking at me.

'Fine,' me looking at the wall.

'How's work going?' still looking at me.

'Good,' me looking down into my glass.

'Ummm, well, I guess you're finally living the way you wanted. Everything is in its place,' finally looking at something that is not me, as he glances around the room.

Silence. I slip my last Or.eo into my mouth and I caught his face soften at the sight of me indulging in my daily quotidian cookie intake.

'God I miss you.'

I closed my eyes to steal them against the tears that were fighting their way to the brim of my lower lid. One escaped, screaming at the sensation of free falling into my glass finally being muted by the union of salted water and alcoholic destruction. Still maintaining closed eyes, I brought the glass to my lips and took another deep swallow, almost emptying the glass. The lingering chocolate flavor attached itself to the newly flowing liquid and accompanied its descend down my throat causing heat from their electric connection. A description that I held for he and I as well.

'Baby…,' softly

'Baby… say something,' softer still

I'm not ready to see you, talk to you, be around you! Not yetMy mind was shouting, but my words whispered from me, 'Why did you come here?'

'Because you are all that I've been thinking of for the last 3 months since I left here. I pace like a fucking caged animal reliving those moments over and over again instead of sleeping at night. I can't even work. I took time off from the paper and told them I was doing some independent projects. The only time I've left my apartment is to get groceries, and come here to debate whether or not to knock. Today I finally did.'

I look at him then with naked eyes and he buckles at the strength of my glare that glistens with unshed tears. He looks away from me, burying his face inside his hands. Those hands that had brung me to climax through their craft of photography; that had cradled me gently as I eased off to sleep; that had cook, pretended to clean, and rub the aches of my day away. Those hands had once been what Or.eos had now comfort.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

A fictional tale

I closed the door behind me, shutting out my day. I dropped my bag, stepped out of my 3 inch red Manolo blahnik's right there were I stood while pulling out the pin that collected my hair at the base of my neck. I ran one tired hand through the tressles while the other began unbuttoning the pin stripped blazer that confined my upper anatomy. Turning I faced my empty apartment, quiet and unchanged since I left 10 hours ago for work. I took one hosiered step and slide just a little across the mahogany colored hardwood which brings a small reactive smile to my lips. A foreign position for my face to take these days. Leaving my crumpled jacket atop my bag I walk towards the kitchen for my customary Or.eo fix. The immaculate living room beckons my company for a spell, but I cannot be deterred from my destination. My overworked hand lightly pushes the wood encased swing glass door and it yields to the invasion offering an opening for my entry. There I see my house phone screaming in her illuminating fashion that I was missed. I ignore her noise and walk straight to where my emotional salvation lies. I open the cupboard, reach in to find the box of 'america's favorite cookies'. My fingers finally grasp the illusive pleasure and I lift, finding that her frame was lighter than when we last had an encounter. Dangerously so. I need to make a stop at the store tomorrow before I run out the only allowable thought that surfaces to my conscience mind since I walked into this space. This space that used to be shared by he and I....I pull back the top cover that encases my greatest comfort and I see that thankfully, I have the two that are required to provide me a sense of peace. I remove them from their cradled existence and place them delicately in my weary hands as I toss the casing into the trash. I walk over to the stainless steel refrigerator and yank harder than I intended. The door over extends and causes a sharp reaction from my shoulder. Unapologetic, the door swings back to a comfortable stance and ignores any thumps from my anatomy. I swoop down just a bit and take in the contents. Half a gallon of orange juice, left over chinese that was probably too old to be in there, sweet tea from the local grocery store, and la piece de resistance- a tall gallon of milk. As I'm about to reach in, I hear a knock at the door. Furrowed brow, I stop and listen. Nothing. Shaking my head, I reach in grabbing the milk and just as I place it on the center island, I hear the knock again. Who in da...I look down at the message alert and wonder if mystery guest had been the person who had disturbed the peace of my usually quiet answering machine. I maintained the furrowed brow while walking back through the elements of my newly acquired solitude, my apartment. I pull the door open, and caught a vision that I had been trying to forget since it last crossed this threshold.

'Can we talk?' Oh that voice. I had tried to forget it, but the bumps and grooves of it's vibration left predictable messages on my spine, and i felt it settle itself there like always.

'What's left to say?' His eyes were the only elements of his stoic face to carry a reaction. Flames of frustration smoked into billowing clouds of sadness and regret. He did not move from where he stood and he waited. I dropped my hand from the door and took one step back into my place of solitude, serenity, and safety. He paused slightly before walking across the line which separated his current with his past, but committed to the motion and planted his foot firmly into what he had once known as life. And as his step brought him closer to me, his eyes contacted mine and it was in that moment that I was transported to all the reasons why I loved this man so damn much.... as well as to all the reason why he hurt me in just the same way....