Monday, March 31, 2008

A blog dialogue-Reconvene...continued

The night started like this.... and as it continues...

The room shifts to people talking amongst themselves, while waiting for me and Adonis to return.

One Man is showing pictures of his nephew (<---incredibly cute!!) to Diva while Jinta talks a little about his most recent post regarding scent marking with Niga, Zephi, and Charles. This brings up a debate over Facebook and rumors. Eavesdropping from across the room Stace calls out, ‘I can't go on facebook anymore!!!!! You know why?!!? EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I GO ON, I find out someone just got engagaed!!!!!!! FAVORITE EX proposed to his GF of 2+ years!!!! IN FUCKING PARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’

‘Are you sure they're engaged?’ Charles asks.

‘Of course. It’s plastered all over their page.’ Stace giving the side eye.

‘It’s just cause some people try to become weak ass detectives and they get it all wrong, and I’ve been a victim of that shit one too many,’ he says.

‘Well, that aint me. I don’t assume. I do detailed research and make sure that I’m on point with mine.’

Me and Adonis walk in at this point. He’s still not in the best of moods, but after talking out some of his frustration with me, he’s ready to return and listen to what people have to say.

‘Sorry guys. I’m just having a fucked up week. I wanna know the complaints though, just in case I do something,’ Adonis says to the group.

Diva speaks up from were she sits, ‘Well you definitely reminded me of one thing I have an issue with, but it’s definitely not just you. Ya’ll need to kill the automatic music player switch. It scares the hell out of me to start reading someone's post and then music starts blasting...particularly when I can’t find the music player to shut it off.'

‘Ay, I concur on that point.’ Rashan adds

‘It doesn’t really bother me too much if you have good stuff on there… I know that Charles, 1/3, and Deja be havin me bobbin my head every time I pass through,’ Roxy pipes in. I look over at her.

‘When did you get here? And you very rarely comment… look at you... gettin involved. a step up homie. A.step.up. Now if only you would post more regularly... Can I add that to the complaint list?,’ laughing as she slightly pushes me in the back. I look back at her and she just gives me the face, shrugs, and goes back to devouring her bowl of whip cream and honey while listening to everyone comment.

Diva gives me the side eye for interrupting, and then continues with her address to the room about her complaints...

'Also, and I don’t think anyone’s lyin in here, but we need to require each post to pass a Blogolygraph test. After my recent perusing of the blogosphere, I just have a few concerns about the validity of some of these posts. And since it was brought of last session, I think that maybe it just might be an issue for all of us.’

‘Can that be added to find out blog crushes too?’ 1/3 asks

‘Do you really need a test to tell you who has a blog crush on you? Just asking usually works. I don’t think it’s all that serious,’ Rashan points out.

1/3 shrugs and Charles whispers something to her which makes her laugh softly.

‘Ummmm hummm, looks like blog crushes are upgrading,’ I remark, looking in their direction as well as glancing over at i.can’t and Karrie B. who upgraded from heavy verbal flirting to genuine caresses.

‘Well that’s what happens when you get attractive minds in one place,’ Jinta expresses as he looks up at me and playfully hits me behind my knee.

‘It can’t only be an attractive mind… body’s need to be right as well,’ explains Soumy smiling at Eb’s frame.

‘Well, I know the body that has peaked my interest is definitely in the shape I appreciate,’ Rashan mumbles.

‘What was that Rashan?’ Jameil inquires loud enough for the room to turn to him.

‘Umm, I was just say that part of my interest in these meetings is shaping up my blog, so can we get back on topic please…,’ he replies none too smoothly.

‘Uh, huh… riiiiight.' shakin her head at him.

‘Well, I’ve gotta couple things that irritate me. I wanna add that I dislike when bloggers comment when it’s obvious that they didn’t read it, or only pick one sentence to respond to out of the entire thing, or simply co-sign on another bloggers comment. I can see right through that shit. Don’t even bother commenting if that’s all you got,’ Don states.

‘Especially you anonymous commenters. Go ‘head and keep that shit to yourself,’ Karrie B innerates.

‘I actually like anonymous comments. freaky shit, outrageous questions, revealing confessions, concocted murder plots, and anything else that feels safe in the cloak of anonymity. I wanna know it all,’ Deja counters to Karrie B who mumbles

‘Those are definitely not the anonymous comments I get,’ causing laughter to erupt from those sitting closest to her.

‘Well, I haven’t been blogging for that long, so I really don’t have that much to add when it comes to blog complaints; but I will say that I don’t like when new bloggers come and comment on my post, givin me heat about the title or the post they read. Who are you and why are you giving me grief?

Also, when you comment on a post that is more that a couple days old, who are you doing that for? I’m not gonna read it. Soooo, yeah, don’t do that.’ I added as Adonis leans against me and Jinta furrows his brow.

‘Does anyone else have anything to add?’
Rashan looks around the room and everyone looks at one another but not a word is added.

‘Does that mean we're done... cause I have some handcuffs and a belt to pick up before heading to my final destination of sex filled fun.’ Lea stands, but before she moves towards the door, an unidentifiable figure moves from the back of the room and leaves without saying a word.

‘Who the hell was that?’ Zephi asks.

‘Damn lurkers,’ Rashan answers shaking his head.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

A blog dialogue- Reconvene

I really don’t wanna be here right now,’ Charles looking a little peaked whispers to me.

‘Well, I have some of those AAA batteries (aka flu pills for those of you who don’t read his blog…lol) if you need something.’

‘Nawww. 1/3 is bringing me something when she gets here. That’s the only reason why I haven’t left.’

‘For the medicine, or for the sight of 1/3?’ laughing ‘Don’t respond to that… you know how nosy I am…’

As the last few bloggers trickle in, Rashan gets up and walks over to the unlit fireplace quieting everyone down.

Hey ya’ll. Thanks for coming this week. I know these meetings can be annoying, but that’s the only way that we can get shit off of our chest.

Or out of their closets,’ James glancing at me with a soft smile.

‘Where some things should never leave,’ Don pipes as he shakes his head regarding last meetings drama over he and Eb.

Rolling her eyes, Eb looks at Rashan, ‘So will you be getting something off your chest this evening?’

Snickering, Stace leans over and whispers to Jameil, ‘That is so not the question to ask’

‘What does that mean?’ Britt, over hearing their comment.

‘It just means that because Rashan has been posting for, oh I don’t know, 30 years, he probably has an incredibly laundry list of things that get on his nerves about the blog world and I don’t have that kind of time.’ Jameil offers.

Giving The Smirk to Jameil for her side bar commentary, Rashan says ‘Look, I’ve been blogging for a while now, and there are just a few things that are getting on my nerves and I figured tonight’s meeting would be a good time to get it off my chest.’

Before he can begin, Eb inputs, ‘Well, can I just say that I get annoyed with you guys? Ya’ll all claim to be smart, cultured, suave, debonair, love the music that we do, write eloquently, and open up to us in a way that they would never open up to some of your significant others. But I don’t think that is a true representative of you as a whole. I think I’m only getting one side.’

‘That’s not me,’
James innerates.

‘That’s because you don’t talk about yourself at all on your posts,’ I counter.

‘I mean, I write about things that I think about and relate to my life. What’s wrong with that?’ James being a little defensive.

‘Nothing!’ One Man supporting James in his stance to not talk about his personal.

Diva says, ‘I don't expect anyone to write all their dirt on a blog, but com’mon, can I get a little info?’

'I coulda sworn we already addressed this last week,' One Man pointing out.

Well let's just air it all out. What exactly do you want to know?’ Don inquires looking around the room.

‘I wanna know why we are digressing when I got some shit to express before I got interrupted,’ Rashan interjects.

‘Well, say what you gotta say bighead,’ Diva chuckling at Rashan’s pouting.

‘I just don’t think some of you realize that I have site meter… which means I can see you... when you come to my site (regularly), but don't comment, I’m annoyed.’ And he goes to sit next to Jameil and Stace as everyone in the room nods thinking that gets on my nerves too.

‘That’s it? I came here just for that. Oh somebody better say something good up in here. My dick breath is wearing off and I need a refresher session; unless someone in here has the juice that I’m looking for,’ Lea states as she glances over at Journ. He smiles and mouths later. She responds with a mouthed tease and he laughs and shrugs.

‘I can’t really say I have anything to complain about. I read somewhere that blogging was therapy of the sort. I believe so too. Once upon a time I would have scrambled to my phone and called someone I knew never had my best interest at heart to spill my soul just to be rejected. Just to reconfirm the notion that once again no one cares about me. Then I get on here. See I'm not alone. My outlet...’ 1/3 states to the group, and some head nod in agreement.

Jameil responds plaintively, ‘That’s so sweet….. But I don’t agree. There is so much to be irritated about in this little community of ours. Par example: Get some etiquette. Learn the rules. Repeat after me. Do not’

Group, ‘Do not’

Jameil, ‘EVER!’

Group, ‘EVER!’

Jameil, ‘come to someone else's blog’

Group, ‘come to someone else's blog’

Jameil ‘to publicize your own’

Group, ‘to publicize your own’

Jameil concludes, ‘Class dismissed.’

Rashan adds sarcastically, ‘But what if I have a post that I really want someone to read?’

Jameil giving him the side eye, quiets him with a very very very soft j ‘jerk.’

KB leaves the comfort of her seat with i.can’t.complain and walks over to the fireplace. She waits and makes sure that all eyes are on her before saying

‘THAT F*CKING WORD VERIFICATION SOME OF YOU STILL HAVE WHEN I GO TO MAKE A COMMENT GETS ON MY LAST NERVE. ARGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.’ with a small curtsy she goes back to sit down.

‘Tell me how you really feel,’ I shake my head laughing at the loud voice that came from such a little body.

‘I get annoyed when women expect you to read their minds.’ Soumy adds.

‘Where the hell did that come from, and what does that have to do with blogging?’ Deja asks.

‘Man- I’m just blogging out loud right now. I didn’t have my customary sex with hot coffee and syrup this morning. Cause you know I’m all about those soft kisses so sweet - I taste the warmth and wetness - I feel the heat - everytime our lips meet EVERY morning, and today just wasn’t that day for me.'

Eb rubs his back and offers a gentle kiss for her blog husband.

‘Don’t do that unless you want your clothes off in 30secs flat,’ Soumy says flirtatiously

Meanwhile, Adonis has been sitting with a peculiar look on his face. As Soumy and Eb lighty banter, he gets up and stands at the fireplace.

‘I think I wanna be done with blogging. I mean, damn, do you really care about an 18-year-old kid who still lives with his family, feels trapped, subconsciously holds himself back from the new experiences that he says he wants so badly in life, smokes like a chimney, drinks like a fish, feels pressured to make a monogamous relationship work, can't make a monogamous relationship work because he's so fucked up in the head that he either takes it too fast or doesn't let the girl know when she's taking it too fast, wants so much more in life to the point that he's gained a slight addiction to playing the lottery weekly, ostracises himself from his friends so that he can get it all together and feels like he's 38 all the while doing it? Sorta...? kinda...? Didn't think so.’

His rant raises a few eyebrows, but no one makes a sound. He walks across the living room, climbing over Jinta and Niga who look stunned and proceeds to storm out. I get up and rush after him.

And this, my friends, is why I don’t write about myself,’ James jokingly adds.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Do it!

'We don't have to have sex' mumbled between kisses as hands wander up and down my upper frame.

'Stop, stop, stop, stop' my hand pushes him away trying to collect myself but not really being successful at it.

'I just wanna make you cum baby. Just let me do that for you.'

That's when I become completely sobered and I stop this scenario that I have been in time and time again for as long as I have been kissing boys alone in their apartment/dorm/car.

All of my friends (and when I say all, I mean ALL) have said to me at one point or another that I should just let them. To date, I have never been completely naked in front of another human being. I recall one incident where my panties were off (while shirt was still on), but it lasted a whole 1min, thus being dismissed as a figment of my imagination rather than a situation of carnal pleasure. Honestly, it was uncomfortable and I didn't get anything out of it; thus fortifying my resolve that no man can bring me pleasure like I can do for myself.

But almost EVERY man that I have entertained or been truly interested in since 18 has harped on their abilities to make me cum. It becomes, almost, an obsession. 'Let me prove it to you. Take 'em off now and I'll work it out. I don't even need anything in return. I just want to give you the experience of your lifetime.' Really? Do you? Wow... such a proposal. What a fool I am to resist such a proposition.


You know what I have NEVER heard. 'I want to make you happier than any man has ever done before. I want to treat you like the wonderful, educated, sweet, Haitian American woman that you are. I wanna be your man.' Most guys don't believe me when I say that. I always point out 'what have you offered me...? That's right... sex only...So how you gonna tell me you don't believe me.'

It's hard. DAMN hard. I had to fight tooth and nail to build the self esteem that I managed to scrap up during middle and high school despite being the only person who didn't have a boyfriend for the ENTIRE 7 years from Pied.mont Mid.dle thru graduation from We.st Or.ange High. Then college hit, and I felt like I had missed the memo. Wha...? I'm suppose to go to your house? I'm suppose to call you? I'm suppose to ask you out? Really? This is the main reason why I have so many friends that I've kissed, or cuddled with. I went in and took what I was missin in my life... but then when they pushed for sex without the relationship, I bucked and lightened the interaction to 'homie' status (removal of cuddle/kissing privileges now). I couldn't do the sex then relationship pattern that everyone seemed to be following. It almost felt like people were backing into relationships rather than taking the time to really get to know the person. And there were so many aggressive girls that I just fell into the backdrop. Most times... the girls didn't even get the relationship and I would hear my male friends speak so poorly of said female of the hour, which further assisted in my resolve to never drop trou without trustin the guy wholeheartedly. Eventually, guys who fell off rather than maintain my friendship would cross my path a few months later (as I became stronger in my womanhood, thus dressin better and walking more confident) and would throw out those tired lines: 'Why don't you call me? Why don't you come over no more? I've been thinkin about you. I miss you' You really miss me? *looking down at my phone* How would I know that? You don't show that you miss me. You just got words. I'm suppose to be moved by that? Really? *throwing up the dueces and makin sure the rocks felt my stomp as.i.walk.away.*

I'm thinking, when I get outta college, it'll get better. Well, I was met by a hard truth. No it's not. Men are just as passive in the corporate world as they are in college. Most date white women (at least from what I see). The rest expecting me to call incessantly. Don't get it twisted, I don't mind calling, or checkin in... but do I really have to be the one who does it all the time?? I've mastered the art of picking up men that I find appealing. And what do I do? I make the first move. I call... I don't mind doing that, cause I made the pursuit. I saw you, I wanted you, I'll pursue. And I did that for awhile. But more recently, no one has really made me want to move, so I've been on the receiving end of the pursuit. I'm not met with the same style. I'm pursued via text message... with light convo and no inquisition as to when he and I might possibly link up. Until Friday rolls around. Then text: 'you gonna be at ant.i.gua, cause I'm tryna see your pretty face.' I don't usually reply.

If we get past all this, and we actually get to a place where I do end up getting to know him as a person and he gets to know me as a person; that is when that trusty line makes it's appearance: 'I just wanna make you cum.'


That's it?!? 'Well, I don't know if I'm ready to be committed' or 'I'm not at a place where I want a lady' or 'I'm just not sure about you and me on that locked down level'... but you wanna make me cum KNOWING that I've never, and understanding that it could quite possibly deepen my emotional tie to you. *nodding head* Ok.. can I just say I have a confused face on right now. I DON'T GET IT.


I understand the whole ego thing; a man makin a woman twist up over what he is doing or did do or could've done or might've done boosts any man's mental and sometimes even gets him off depending on the situation. But is that ALL you want from me? Is that all you want to offer me? And how much do you respect me to believe that that is all I deserve? How can you allow your mouth to slide into the position to even utter such a weak proposition when looking at me and knowing how I am?

A blow to my self esteem. I'm not gonna lie. It is. Because I KEEP getting it. And as my friends laugh and tell me to 'Do it'... I'm softly crying because I don't want that to be all I'm worth. An ego stroke. You pleasured the virgin and may eventually want something more.... maybe... depending... whatever.

*sigh*.....

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Memories

Guess who got her car back yesterday??? *BIG HUGE SMILE*
After a month of dealing with this bullshit... I finally got her back and she was such a site for sore eyes... I was so happy to get her back that I drove around for awhile rather than taking her straight home (which I would usually mind due to gas prices, but I got a gas voucher from the dealership to fill my tank so I was chillin). I also got a free oil change. It didn't make up for the fact that they steadily told me my car would be ready when and never was, but it definitely helped...

Moving on... I was working with my 3yr old client today (who actually showed some serious improvement today... FINALLY, the fruits of this tedious labor) when I began thinkin about my own childhood. I started thinking about the things that made it great and why I miss it sometimes... So in true Steve Harvey Morning Show fashion... I've created the


Top 10 Reasons Why I Miss My Youth:

Number 10!I didn't have to worry about a thing back that. I was fed when I was hungry. I took at nap when I was sleepy. I was always dressed in the flyest gear back that (at least to me). And to top it all off, I had that secret language that only my peers knew about. :Sigh:

Number 9!


I cannot get down like this anymore in school. I mean, I have been known to sleep or eat in class, but we don't actually take a break from lecture to truly appreciate a good nap time or snack time. Instead I have to stuff my face whenever I can; and be abruptly woken up when I am sleeping because I was suppose to be paying attention. Man, whatever. If we had a nap time, my sleeping would be a none issue...lol

Number 8! No one could tell me anything when this show was on because all they would get: a 30 sec to one minute delay promptly followed by 'huh?' I was so incredibly engrossed in this show and whatever book he was recommending for the day/week. To this day, I can still sing the theme song without missin a note... *thinking of that being the first utterz post.....naaaaaahhhh..lol*

Number 7!I still remember waiting for my dad in front of Mollie Ray Elementary School (bad ass school..lol) playing pattycake, or whatever hand game was popular at the time with Kesha. (I tried to post two little black girls, but for some reason it wouldn't upload... I think blogger gotta thing against brown people uploads...haha)


Number 6!I actually don't know too many black Americans that played in the rain... but I knew sooooo many haitians and jamaicans that did it when I lived in Miami. We would be outside playing when the weather would suddenly change (cause you know that sunshine state theory is just that...a theory), but none of us would go inside. We would just keep playing and specifically look for puddles to jump in. That always resulted in a lecture/spanking, but whatever... It was worth it.



Number 5!I begged for months for one of these. My dad very rarely bought anything sweet; and he almost NEVER bought candy. Mostly, I didn't care cause I wasn't used to having it, so whatever. But to add the candy element to the jewelry element was too much for me. I even cried... Of course, I was met with a swift smack, and I didn't get it that day, but eventually, I got the pleasure of the ring pop. And what I found out? It wasn't all that amazing... my finger got all sticky and that plastic protector got on my nerves....lol.



Number 4!



The BEST part of my day... RECESS!!!!! I would look at that clock waiting for the moment when the long hand would hit the 1 and the short hand would hit the 3. The bell would ring and a sea my peers would be flying at top speed to hit the swings. Nothing felt like the swings and I'll be damned if I could not stay on that sucker for the entire recess. Of course that was not allowed... we had to take turns... but I did my best to get at least 2 turns during one recess session. It also protected me from the 'hunchin' that was goin... horny children...lol


Number 3!


:Sigh: I don't even know why they make scary movies anymore. Nothing does it to me like Freddy. I mean, I had nightmares for more than half of my life... and '1 2 freddy's comin for you, 3 4 better shut the door...' has yet to leave my mental. I FREAKED OUT when seeing this movie and there has been nothing to date that has reached this level (even tho Chuckie came close...)



Number 2




'Get mad! Get mad!' My brother's words still ring in my ears... He felt that when I got mad, that's when I ran the fastest. That's what we did when we played outside, now that I come to think of it: Compete. We would race, play basketball, football, and tag. My brother always wanted me to be the best. In his opinion, I should have been a track star, but I had little to no passion for running (even tho I did beat all the boys on the block). Man, I still have scars on my knees from all those antics...


And the Number 1 Reason why I miss my childhood


Drumroll Please................





Everyone and their cousin should know about this video. It is the quintessential video representation of how a child feels when the ice cream truck comes around. That feeling... has no words....

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A letter...

Hey you. Thanks for stoppin by. I wanted to talk to you about something. I've been feelin lonely these days. I know I know, I shouldn't…. but I do. I've got some really great friends, and damn if I don't feel great every single morning, kissing the Most High the whole while cause He uplifts me. But knowing that He is beside me, and I smile because he's always beside me, I do feel alone sometimes. I know it's stupid. I shouldn't right…? But I do. Except when you come to visit. I know I've never said anything about it before, but yeah… you've definitely had an effect on my every day. You never say much, but when you do, it always brings a smile to my face, laugh to my abs, deep thought to my brain, and excitement to my stomach. How do you do that?

And when I do want to shut out the world (not answering phones, not going to school or work, and not turning on the television), I don't mind your company, which is not usually the case. You sit there so attentively as I vent about my life or the lack there of and you offer me balance and keep me in tuned with myself. I sometimes hate that you point things out that I never noticed in my little existence, but I know you just do it because you're about keeping it on ground level with me, one of your best qualities I might add.

You know how much I hate leaving my house, but I never have an issue when going to your place. Man, I have so much fun there. In that space, you open up to me and share all kinds of things… I mean you really take the time to give a little of yourself, and I don't think I've ever told you how much that means to me. Your stimulation always transcends as the vibrations of your words affect my brain waves. When I'm there I sometimes wonder, how did I get the privilege to be in the presence of such humor, wisdom, sexiness, and beauty. You actually make me want to drop my phobic tendencies and commit. Wow, even saying that takes me aback…

Yeah… I'm gonna admit it. I think I might be a little sprung on you… but I think you knew I would be. Now you're sitting back laughing at the effect you have not understanding that it's kinda scary for me to be this vulnerable with someone. So now that you know how I feel… what happens now? I've never been here before… I guess I ask you how you feel… Soooo, how do you feel? I mean…about me


Sincerely,
Desy





I know you are wondering who this is to...well, it's actually... to you, my blog fam.

This is so a digression, but: Channel surfing today exposed me to Flava Flav with a slicked up high top fade that was multi colored and glittery and I just asked myself: Virginity for life or sex with Flava Flav? The answer came so quickly…lol

Friday, March 21, 2008

A blog dialogue continued...

This is where it all began~ and so it continues...

At this point, Lea is beginning to really get bored because she is sitting on the single couch performing fellatio on her now empty Corona bottle.

Ummmm….’ Jinta can’t tear his eye away and he begins to rub my back.

‘Don’t even think about it’ I slap one of his hands and he laughs.

'Come now, I’ll treat you better than AdufĂ©,’ chuckling as he said it.

‘You fuckin better’

Everyone is talking amongst themselves, probably about Lea because she’s beginning to moan at the joy she’s giving this bottle, which echos… because it’s a bottle.

‘Lea, do you and your…uh…friend… want a room?’ James can’t even look in her direction and Diva is ‘rolling on the floor laughing her ass off’ at Lea’s antics.

‘Nawww… I’m straight. I’m just practicing for later tonight since obviously nothing is going on right now.’

‘Well, no one is admitting anything which tells me that everyone is being pretty honest on their post,’ 80 says as he glances over at Britt who smiles in response.

‘But not everyone is posting about their personal life. In fact, when lookin around this room, most of the posts that I’ve read that have nothing to do with what is currently going on in their lives primarily comes from the chromosome gifted ‘Y’s up in here,’ Deja putting out what every woman blogger has thought at some point in time.

‘Excuse me? Ya’ll know all my shit…. well… most of it anyway, Rashan says as he glances in my direction.

‘Yeah, I always fuckin write about my every day shit. And I don’t fuckin sugar coat either,’ Adonis adds

‘We know. We’ve read your last post. Still can’t believe you put her gov’t name out there like that,’ Diva shakin her head, thinking ‘so young’

Guerreiranigeriana in that beautiful accent of hers pulled the attention of the men who appreciated her addition. ‘Not everyone has to put their life story in every single post. I mean, there are bigger things in this world and the blog world is a wonderful place to build awareness for some of you less informed Americans.’

‘That’s true, but the reason people read blogs is to get to know you also. What good is your point of view if I don’t know who you are?’ Deja countering

‘TouchĂ©,’ Niga concedes. ‘Sorry boys, she does have a point there.’

‘No one is forcing anyone to read. If you don’t like what you see in my posts, don’t visit, or comment,’
One Man’s Opinion finally finding a reason to add to the conversation.

‘But most of us have good blog etiquette, and when someone comments on our page, it’s only courteous to do the same. And One Man, from a personal stand point, I enjoy your blog, even though I don’t always comment. But being curious about the experiences of the mental behind the posts is only natural, is it not?’ I look at him intensely and challenge him to refute.

‘Okay, okay… I guess you have a point there,’ he throws his hands up and offers me a slow smile, enjoying the challenge I offered.

‘Sometimes it is difficult to reveal yourself and not everyone wants to do it,’ Charles talking more to himself than to the group and he looks with eyes unseeing thinking more than likely of his ex.

1/3 gets up and walks over to him, placin a gentle hand on his back and he glances at her, really looking at her, and smiles.

‘But we offer comfort, not judgement. Half the time, we offer humor as well, which can soothe also. What are you scared of,’ Zephi states

‘I’m not scared of a thing. I was vulnerable when I wrote about my love for sandwiches.’ Soumy humorously adds, which causes the room to break out in laughter.

‘Well is there anything that anyone would like to add now. I mean, since we are all here, might as well put yourself out there,’ Eb inquires.

‘So we can be like you? No thanks,’ Jameil replies automatically.

Eb looks at her surprised at the reaction.

‘Nawww, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just saying, not everyone has something deep to put out there like kissin another blogger. Some of us live regular lives and don’t have shocking stories for days,’ Jameil says thinking of her confession post and the reactions she received.

I nod my head in agreeance.

‘You know you got some secrets so I don’t know why you over there nodding your head like that,’ Roxy calling me out.

‘Who?’ Me doin my mock question thing

‘You, that’s who…,’

‘Me…uh-uh. I’m a virgin remember? I’m completely innocent,’ I put on my most innocent face and look around the room

‘Look, just cause you aint have sex doesn’t mean you are innocent. I’m sure if I gave you this Corona, you would know what to do with it,’ Lea adds, gesturing with the very bottle she had just had a private moment with.

‘Ummmmm… no. Especially not that bottle.’

At this point, the rooms attention is burning through my flesh as they are wondering about what Roxy means. (See this is why you shouldn’t have friends who blog cause they already know all your business….lol.)

‘Please, share,’ Jinta shifts from behind me and takes a front row seat.

I look around and see the curiousity of my fellow bloggers and finally I just get up walk to the center of the room (cause I gotta be the center…lol) and start spewing all of my confessions:

I CONFESS…. I am in love with my homegirl Roxy’s legs. I would be a lesbian for an hour if she’d allow me to lick whip cream and honey off of them.

I CONFESS… I dated my high school choral teacher while he was in the process of getting a divorce.

I CONFESS… he is not the only married man that I've dated.

I CONFESS… I am having a phone affair with a blogger.

‘I KNEW IT!’ Diva stands up and points at Rashan.

‘No, it’s not Rashan, so let it go…’ laughing a little

She looks at him and looks at me. He shrugs his shoulder and I just look at her.

‘How did you know my suspicions?’ Not giving up her beliefs

‘Just cause we’re not having a phone affair does not mean that I don’t talk to him.’

‘Well then who is it?’

‘Now if I told you that, I would be giving you all my secrets.’

‘I thought that is what all of this was about..,’ 1980 adds

‘Look, do you want me to finish confessing or not?’

'Yes, please continue. This shit is good.’ I.can’t.complain says to the room as she pulls out some popcorn from no where.

‘I CONFESS… I hate my aunt and uncle because they haven’t kept in touch with me since my mom died and they know all the things I’ll never get the chance to learn because they didn’t want to share.'

‘I CONFESS…I get blog jealous. When I see someone who has commented on someone else’s page but not mine, I get a little sad, and jealous.’

‘I CONFESS…I’ve kissed a girl.’

‘I CONFESS… I really am a virgin.’

‘I CONFESS… There are a few bloggers that I would fly to visit tomorrow, and no, they are not only men- so get that out your head. It’s just cause I love love love their posts and wonder what a day would be like with them showin me around their city.’

‘And I CONFESS… I masturbate on a regular basis. Thank you for listening to my confessions.’

I go back to my seat next to Jameil and Jinta who have yet to pick up their jaws and as I look around the room, everyone is lookin at me.

‘What…?’ I shrug and smile my third-grade-didn’t-do-it smile.

‘Oh well, you wanted to know.’

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Fiend collabo

Me and 80 did a collabo (not that he claimed it on his site- but i'll still claim you- cause IIIIIII'm not ashamed of my collabos...lol- j/k 80. I know u wuv me...) about a situation where a man is givin up his obsession with sex for a higher livin- celibacy; versus the response of his sexual obsession...

Please read his prior to reading mine- RASHAN!!!...*mumbles 'never followin directions..' ...lol

A laughable thought, my sweet addict, your abandon of bodily union to follow the concrete lined house of convenance. My lascivious nature calls to her salacious mirror found in the bends of your veins that carries your most intimate impurities to your heart, which knows your true stance. The titillation of my hips as they are crushed and burned by your taste provides that hit and as your eyes roll back, I now you need it, my sweet. Need me and all that I can do for you within that moment. I see that greed in you; even as you deny me, your glance grazes the spread of my thighs and I purrr at its assault. I, sadistic in my desire to be consumed by your abuse, yearn for that unyielding grind of your bone within me. Your mastery of invading my form shows of your dedication to the practice, and yet you turn away? Do you think developing an austere air will wash you clean of your compulsion for consumption? Yes truly laughable, my sweet.

As you begin to feel the incursion of deprivation under your skin, you'll turn to me, just as you've always done. You shake your head, but even now, your hands twist within themselves already itching to carve the curves of my lower back. And as I move, I can see the erection ensue filling with your concocted elixir and I lick m
y lips ready to drink. Come to me my sweet addict; feast on my form inhaling my mahogany scent and be satiated. And as lust becomes pleasure, you will find love in the intoxicating moment of orgasm where inhibition is inevitable and I embrace you in that state. Why place yourself in destitution when you know you will be in the folds of my bed soon after. Just stay, my sweet, stay as my bedfellow and overdose on our physical synthesis. I promise not to disappoint…

Part II of yesterday's scene will be created and posted on Friday where I am going to admit my confession for Makin the Blog; (don't wanna be late with my assignment)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A blog dialogue

1980 opens the door to find Britt, our last guest, standin at the door holdin Coronas and limes.

Sorry I’m late’ slight shrug and a sweet smile decorate her face.
Not a problem beautiful- just glad you could make it; ripped jeans and all,’ he chuckled.

’80, are you gonna stand by the door all day starin at Britt, or are you gonna let the girl in so that we can get this thing started!?’
can’t complain shouts

Britt rushes past 80 and walks into the living to find a sea of bloggers sitting around with a mixture of liquors, playin a game of I’ve Never to pass the time.

‘Damn girl, it’s about time that you got yourself here. Ooooo- presents!’ with a quick grab, Lea swiftly swipes the Corona’s and with one smooth motion, twists the top off and takes it to the head while everyone watches in…. well… amazement.

Brittney takes a seat next to Charles and he does one of those one armed brotherly hugs that makes a girl feel loved (you know, in that platonic way).

Jameil is in mid bite of the soon to be devoured waffle fry from Chick. ‘Ummm, are we really gonna do this? I mean, I know I said I would, but I don’t know if I can.’

I snatch a fry, just barely dogging the infamous *side eye*, and watch the reactions of everyone in the room.

Rashan looks over at Diva, who shrugs. 1/3 catches Charles’ eye and has a full conversation without a word about what Jameil just said (or so I assume).

‘Look- I didn’t miss out on some dick to be teased by this. We said we were gonna do it, so we better,’ Lea slightly slurred. There wasn’t much that she had ‘nevered’ so her drink intake was slightly higher than the rest.

James, who had been silent for most of the night, finally spoke up,’ I think that this is necessary for us. I mean, I just think that it’s time for us to get real with one another. Some of us are aware of each other, and some of us aren’t; but after tonight, we will have a full view of one another, mind body and soul. So…. who’s ready to begin?’

Don shifts his weight, pulling the attention of the room.
‘Nawww, I’m not ready- i'm not gonna cross that line first.’

‘That’s not what you said last night,’ Eb states just under her breath; however, loud enough for the room to catch.

‘What happen last night?’ Rashan looks from Don to Eb back to Don.

Simultaneously
Nothin’ ‘We kissed’

WHAT!?’ Soumy looks over at Eb, back to Don and then collects himself a bit.

‘Such a strong reaction comin from someone who is supposedly only a ‘blog’ husband. Or are the feelings there a bit deeper,’ I couldn’t resist inquiring…

'Ooop, raa-tid. Me dun need to hear dis' Roxy tappin into those aged Jamaican roots. I laugh (cause Roxy bein Jamaican is a trip)

‘Look, we are suppose to be confessing any lies/secrets that currently or have formally been posted on our blogs; not talking about love lust and all that is… weird,
’ Rashan says lookin between the threesome.

‘Why are you so interested in what is fact or fiction on our posts? I mean, does anyone really care anyway?’

Everyone stops, and looks at Adonis

‘Hell yeah we care. Are you suggestin that you haven’t been honest on your posts?’ Diva’s gaze was piercing.

Nawww, nawww, not I. I’m just sayin…,’ voice fading at the intensity of her eye contact.

‘Well someone in this room is lyin about their shit; so who is it?,’ Deja’s voice revealing her frustration.

‘All I know is that someone isn’t bein real,’ Soumy glaring at Eb as he pipes up.

‘Look- it was just a damn kiss, and I haven’t been lyin on my posts. I always keeps it authentic…,’ Eb said

Whatever’ mumbled Soumy

‘Hey, hey, hey, don’t get twisted up over yesterday. That wasn’t suppose to happen. Trust, Eb is all about you Soumy’ Don innerated

80 sounding impatient says ‘Ummmm, this is not suppose to be a group therapy session for Eb, Soumy, and Don. Can we focus please.

‘So, who is gonna admit that their post was not as ‘authentic’ as they want us to believe?’

Everyone looks around at each other- silence hanging thick in the air

Sunday, March 16, 2008

We're friends.....right?

I've had a ridiculous amount of male friends in my lifetime. The reason for this: I don't know. Usually, it starts out with an attraction, but when it doesn't evolve into a physical tryst, then somehow it becomes this comfortable friendship with a ridiculous amount of openness that has exposed me to the male psyche in so many ways. Sometimes, I think I know too much about what makes a man tick.

Thinking about all these male interactions that I have made me wonder... when do you stop considering a friendship platonic? Is it at the level of attraction? Because, honestly, I don't have any male friends that I don't find attractive. That doesn't entirely coincide with my being attracted to them, but I definately understand why a woman would be. Does it stop when the other person in the relationship develops feelings? What if those feelings aren't mutual? Can you still label it a platonic interaction? I've kissed guys (not on a regular basis- just at some point during the friendship) and still been good friends with them without batting an eyelash when they introduce me to their girlfriends. I'm usually happy for them and wish good things. I sometimes recommend distance so as to limit their appreciation of me so that they focus on their girlfriends and not me; but usually I'm met with laughter and a shrug. But are we platonic? I wonder about who I would keep around if I were in a relationship... but one of those friendships in particular leaves me a little perplexed. He's been one of my closest friends for four years and has had feelings for me for most of that time (although he has never made a move). Would it be wrong of me to continue that friendship even though I've made it perfectly clear that he and I would not work (due to his inability to ask me out... I need a guy who goes after what he wants... in all facets and is comfortable with himself enough to do so) if I were to get involved with someone? Could I still call him friend even though his feelings for me are more? I know that most guys don't think anything of a kiss (and some dont consider that cheating)... so me being a virgin makes life easy for them in their mental and I'm comfortably labeled 'friend'. But am I really? Regular texts/calls...going out on 'dates', eating dinner and cuddling on the couch are all things that I've done with friends at one point or another. I really don't know.... Yet another thing I'm confused on.


Update (thanks to Jasmin and Jameil's commentary): I need to clarify before people start lookin at me wrong...lol. I am not regularly kissing or cuddling with any of my friends. Those are just boundaries that have been crossed at some point or another within those friendships, but does not occur repeatedly or throughout the friendship. The friend that I've had for the last four years... I've done nothing with. Not a kiss, not holding hands- nothing. No mixed messages. I could not fathom regularly engaging in kisses and touches and not catch feelings... I'm not that talented. What I'm wondering is if that line has been crossed at some point in the friendship, does it change the dementions and turn it into something that can no longer be labeled platonic? Or if one of the people in the friendship catches feelings, does it mean that a platonic situation is no longer feasible?

Digression: gotta duet with Sojourner on his poetry site. If you're interested- check it out: The Virgin Temptation

Friday, March 14, 2008

My lyfe

Disclaimer- this was written on Thurs- but I fell asleep before I finished so just think Thurs...lol

Sooooooooo, this sucks.

I called the dealer yesterday to get an update on my car to see if it would be ready today or tomorrow (since I knew the guy who normally calls me incessantly was off, thus no update). I got this lady who had a very thick accent. Luckily- I am fluent in Spanglish.

So I tell her my name and ask her if she has the update on my car. Within a fraction of a second, she tells me that my car is ready. Really? Wow- great. That suprised me. A dealership earlier than they estimated?... that never happens. I call my friend and we head out to the dealership. I get there and walk in to the body shop. I see the lady I spoke to on the phone (name by the way Dolce, which means sweet in spanish). She, as soft and sweet as ever, directs me to the secretary who prints off my info from the computer and takes me over to the cashier for payment of the deductible (sigh- the responsible insurance comp has stated that they will be denying the claim- thus I have to wait and get reimbursed my ded after my insurance sues theirs..... I'm never gonna see that money again....). I walk back to the body shop with my receipt eager to receive my car back.

Dolce comes out with some keys in her hand and says 'Les go to jour carro'.

She stops at a 98 Gold Camry. 'Do jou want to sheck eet out?'.

I furrow my brow and respond 'No- this is not my car.'

With a confused look on her face, she grabs the paper from my hand with the details of my car and says 'oooooooh.'

Then she walks away. I look over at my friend and wonder what the hell just happen.

Dolce walks out with her hands in her pockets with a forlorn look on her face.

'I muss have mix jou up with the name that was given to me with the keys that were dropped off on my desk jus as jou call me.'

'So my car is not ready?'

'No- did jou return jour rental.'

I paused for a moment collecting my thoughts because I didn't want to get pissed or upset. It's been two weeks and I just hate hate HATE relying on other people to take me around cause I feel soooo bad. The only people I've ever felt comfortable asking favors from are my family members cause I know that they do things for me out of love. With my friends, I always wonder if they are keeping score, even if they do love me... I know that's ridiculous, but I'm weird. (The name she mixed me up with: Rose.... really? Rose sounded the same as my name? Uh-huh). '

'Com'mon, I'll take you home' my friend looks at me and takes my hand.

'Look- when will my car be ready for sure?'

'Tomorrrrow'

'Ok. Can you have them change the oil as well. Thanks.'

'Si. Jour carro will be beautiful tomorrow.' She walked back inside and I left.

Well it's 'tomorrrrow' and I haven't heard anything. I called another one of my friend's to take me to the dealership (because i don't feel right asking my friend who took me yesterday- especially since she didn't offer, which I know means she doesn't want to do it). I called the delearship at round 3 (knowing that the end of day is at 6) and of course my car is not yet ready. I ask explicitly 'Is it going to be ready today?'

'We are doing everything dat we can to feeneesh it today.'

Another vague ass answer. This is where the frustration really kicks in because I don't really have that many friends at my disposal to ask to take me to the dealer, and my parents work so they are clean out the question.

'I will call jou when jour carro is ready.'

'Ok'.

I wait all the way up until 5:20pm. Still nothing- so of course I call. I get some other lady and leave a message for Dolce to call me back. A guy calls me back about 5 min later.

'We did everything to get your car done today, but unfortunately, we still have not been able to complete the job.'

'Look- I have been incredibly patient and I understand that this is a delicate process, but this has been ridiculous. You mistake me with someone else, which I find to be highly unlikely if you had actually looked me up in the system rather than just talking. And then you confirm that my car will be ready today, which again, is not correct. If you were unsure of the completion date, I would have preferred hearing 'either Thurs or Fri'. But you told me today without hesitation, so I expect to have a car today. So, I need some type of transportation arranged for me until you do have my car ready.'

'You don't have a rental?'

'No. I returned it when Dolce told me my car was ready.' (LIE!- but whatever)

'Ok, when can you get here.'

'In 20 min.'

'Alright, I'll have a car arranged for you if you can make it here before we close.'

This is when all the stress left my bones. I no longer have to rely on anyone to take me to and from the dealership- yeh!!!. I'm unsure of when my car will be completed (hopefully Fri cause I really miss her (no she does not have a name) and I can't wait to get her back). So I'm sure you are wondering what car I got from the dealership. A 2007 Honda Civic- black. My car is better, but this will definately due (since I was thinkin I was gonna get a Dodge Neon or something...lol).

So- Friday is Happy Hour with brudder and my friend Sheen who took me to the dealer on the first day. Good, cause I miss him and I haven't gotten the chance to tell him my woes... He'll tell me just what I need to hear (which is essentially- suck it up and deal. You have car that you can use until yours is ready... so supportive. I love it!....lol).

I just can't wait for all of this to be over, but it won't be until I get my deductible back. Who knows how long that will take since I have yet to hear from my adjustor and don't even know if they have started the process yet. Oh well. My lyfe....


I need a guy like this- who can turn every day into classical...lol


Update: He's back from vacation!! I have learned to appreciate his incessant calls/updates on the status of my car. He gave me the details as to what was going on with my car and why it has been taking so long for it to be ready. Of course, the great communicators that his co-workers are, didn't share what happen to me this week; so I naturally filled him in. He was amazed and quite disappointed and gave me even more detail with what was up with my car, letting me know that I will not be getting my car back today, saturday, or sunday... thus, enjoy the rental on them...lol.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Its random

~Supposedly, I'm getting my car back from the dealership tomorrow... at least that's what the body shop guy called to tell me last week four times

~I've actually learned the art of getting tipsy/drunk without throwing up and got to enjoy that feeling last friday at my fav Happy Hour/club spot

~I'm so ashamed of myself for liking this song. I have hated him since...oh... i don't know... forever. I never could do the greased up made for tv star that was pre packaged to be 'pretty'. But I bump to it every time I hear it...so ashamed...lol

~I realize I don't think I'm sexy/beautiful. I actually get uncomfortable when told such things. Cute- I can handle. I've been comfortably cute since time began (for me), but sexy- especially with partial nudity.... naww, not me. I get completely shy- something no one would expect from me because I'm so damn confident. But it's with my clothes on. I guess having sex will change that for me??? Who knows

~I am loving my spring break. It is filled with sleep, writing, more sleep, tv, some napping, and hanging out with friends and did I mention I have gotten plenty of sleep?... I've spent little money (yeh! cause i have none) and have enjoyed random 5 min convos with my step mom about dumb shit that has me dyin. That woman will make an event out of going to Wal-Mart... and is waitin for when I say lets go- but she won't get ready to go, or ask.. because truthfully- she doesn't want to drive. Mind you- Wal Mart is 5 min up the road... but she's always claimin-' I thought you said we were going to Wal Mart' in her affectionate haitian accent and I respond 'Well let's go then'... Neither one of us moves. It's hilarity at it's finest

~How is it that people know the EXACT moment when you are at your busiest to call one after the other; but when you are doing nothing with your life, your phone is silent?

~I hear pets make you live longer. According to some random report somewhere on this oh so reliable entity we call the web, there is a study that shows people who live with pets live longer. I still don't know if I'm a cat person or a dog person. Cats are more independent, use the litter and can live without too much affection. Dogs are all about being in your face, workin you 0ut, barking for no reason (some dogs, not all), and knowing when you are low to be there.... I guess I'll find out when I decide to get a pet

~Bitchassness has become an epidemic. I hear it everywhere now. How da hell Diddy do that? Just make some shit so popular... and watch- he'll be the one that promotes it soooo much, that we'll get sick of it. But for now... I kinda want that shirt he was wearin...lol.... nawwwww. But I loved loved LOVED how he called out the democratic party and it's bitchassness....

~I realize I have only been on about 5 real dates in my life. You know, when the guy comes to your house, waits a little for you to finish up your last touches, opens your car door, takes you to the movie/dinner/whatever and engages you in interesting/awkward first date convo, if going well- hitting a spot for coffee or something, if not- going home because you're 'tired', a hug goodnight and discussion of calls being exchanged in the morrow- that kinda date. Yeah, only had a handful... and mostly with men that aren't black. Do black men not do dates? hmmmm

~He keeps calling/texting me. Obviously I don't like talking to you because you continuously interrupt me with questionnaire inquiries all the while not listening to the answer. Leave.me.alone.

~When did Martin Lawrence become Disney friendly?

~And when did the text message become the new conversation starter with someone you met at the club? Is a phone call no longer the thing to do? Man, have men become so scared of discourse that they reduce themselves to askin about my day via text... Do you really wanna know if you do it that way...? I mean- I only have 160 characters... can I really break down my day for you in that span.. or just break you off with a quick 'fine'....see, you don't really want to know... you just want the quickie...

I'm done....

Monday, March 10, 2008

Anniversary


Twenty years has passed since that day. I revisit it each year and look at my former self. I sit with that little girl and smile at her unknowing face hoping she doesn't see the sadness that lies behind my eyes. She runs and sits onto the corner of her mommy's bed- watching as the last breath is exhaled. She knows nothing of what has just occurred and is eager for the time when her mother looks at her again. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that hold all the worlds greatest secrets. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that ease any questionable feelings. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that know all about her heart. Just…looks at her.

Because it had been weeks since she had truly looked at her. I walk over to her and place my hand on her four year shoulder that now carries a new burden not yet felt. I whisper all that I can to help her know and understand that everything will be ok. She pulls away and crawls to her mother's side, wrapping herself in her mother's still warm embrace- because that is where she is safe. It is within that moment that my tear falls because I am unable to remember that feeling. That feeling of my mother's embrace.

Although sirens are heard and commotion is soon to come, she falls asleep. Safe in the still warm embrace of her mother's arms. And I envy her. So I climb into that very bed and crawl up into that very spot and rest my head exactly where it should be…. And I am safe. Safe in the still warm embrace of my mother's arms. I long to stay in this moment until there is no longer a sense of time, but I know that I cant. Soon I will awake; and my four year old form will dissipate from my mind's eye. And her embrace will no longer be felt. I will be left here- without her…. But not yet. For now- I am still safe. Safely asleep in my mother's still warm embrace.


And as heaven's shift and night becomes day, I am retured to my present. My present where she has no place in the physical. But her spirit guides me and it lights my way through life… with a gentle light… just as she looked at me…. Gentle- with those eyes that knew all about my heart.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

I must

So- of course, I am part of Makin the Blog (even though I'm still wondering when I volunteered...lol) and although I'm fully aware that I do not really have to do this- I'm gonna do the assignment. But unlike some people, I'm actually gonna be real. Unfortunately, I couldn't just show love for one- so I had to give it up to all that I adore...

Directions: To set the mood- press play and listen to some Max while reading, cause he's the reason why this post took this direction...lol



~It was in the white curves on that black page where I experienced my first orgasm. I came before I was ready and I held my eyes close to savor the last lingering tingles, biting my lip wondering at how he knew my spot. He went so deep, and I shoulda protested but with the quick wit tongue, sarcastic stroke, and finger exposing vocab...I was so turned on. But what else can be expected from a Casanova

~I thought about becoming a hookah so that he could breath in my essence through those lips. Movin atop his pleura seductively so that it would welcome my penetration and allow my darkened kisses to line the grooves of his lobes. And as he expelled, I would stroke the vocal folds of his throat and have him hummin my song. I'm waitin to affect his breath in one thousand nine hundred and eighty ways... cause he sure as hell has done that to me

~An enigma that arouses the dormant portion(s) of my cerebrum with tantalizing touches of thought provoking words/questions. A shadowed form that causes internal and external climaxing by way of a few keyboard kisses. I hold him in a deep throat position, not wanting him far from my mental as he expels his seed(s) into my head. I soak myself in his questions, bathing in the possibility of he bein the solution

~I yearn to complete the thought in his head before he exerts a single key stroke along the length of his poetic commentary~ but alas, I find myself walkin in post creation. Don't get it twisted, I enjoy watching his self gratification, but I desire the duet of our literary exegesis so the fruits of our united labor reflect the union of he and I in each line, minus the bars.

~He is the T.obey Mc.guire to my Pl.easantville- splashing his tongue in my crevices aggressively against my will, takin me to hieghts unbeknownst to me in my previous existence. He is my definition, perfection casted within the thrusts of his pulse and he exudes his verbal prowess in that youthful way that demonstrates his eagerness to be hailed as Ceasar

~Comes and goes like the river, and brings forth the tide. You see, I rise to meet him as he plunges into my grainy coves with accented lullabies sung in his native tongue. He reaches to my core to elicit my wetness and I am left with nothing but a hint of who I used to be; because in all that he wrote- he managed to change me without protest. I simply sighed....ahhhh.

~I am a ghost shaded by night when I walk along the steps of his brick built words. I quiver to the beat of his side song playin that thumps my ear drums every time I open into his darkness. He speaks of solidarity with warmth, but I long to bring true heat to his earthly manifestations so as to allow growth. His pen stretches my inexperienced form and teaches me unknowingly how to align my ink on his paper. But I must expose myself to know his tru genius. Until then, I'll walk along the steps of his brick built words housed by his complex simplicities

To the females who I've come read regularly: This is for you (not that I'm crushin, but I appreciate)


Alright...Look, my Divalicious Opinions have placed me in the relm of this blogsphere that has allowed me the opportunity to Write As I Please. You see, as a fellow Renaissance Black Woman, it is my duty and responsibility to read, understand, and continue to become educated in the Exercises Of Fabulosity. Thus, I am no longer...In The Search... of true magnificents; I embody it. And at days end, I will look around as I sip a Cool Glass of Dejanade and be thankful that I had the priviledge to be exposed, taught, and respected by such women. To you- I say Thank you.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

That moment

I've been thinking about it for as long as I can remember. That moment when my life went from one direction into another. Not in a little way, like dessert or no dessert, but in a major way.

I sometimes feel as tho I am not suppose to be where I am; like somehow, my cards got mixed up somewhere along the way. I know that biblically speaking, that is no possible- all things happen for a reason and that reason leads His children to the destination that He has for them (regardless of what happens in the mean time). But there are moments and sometimes days when I truly feel as if this life is not suppose to be mine.


Moments for me:

Her presences in my life as more than spirit and faith. Walking the path she guided with words rather than the path I felt closest to her through. Adolescent hatred of her rather than yearning for her arms during fits of silent tears. Conversations with her as a fellow woman about men and interactions rather than...not

Not saying yes. Loving him as strongly and as deeply as I did, my best friend- I still don't fully understand my hesitation. Knowing that my father probably wouldn't have allowed me to date, and being a school girlfriend didn't seem like something he could do. Plus he was so ready to have sex, and I so wasn't. But if I did say yes, I would have known love like no other. He would've been my first. I don't know if I could have kept him from the dark road he ended up going down, but that's his path and I won't speculate having that kind of power... but my life would have definately being different.

Not getting accepted. I would have been in Tampa at this time becoming an audiologist rather than a speech therapist. My relationship with my parents probably wouldn't have been what it is. I would have definately been different- flexing those independent muscles at 22 in incredible academic dept with alot more exposure to black men that are interested in black women (cause when I visit there- they holler across the street...lol; but my friends who live there say that happens all the time-so I don't get bigheaded..lol).

Fucking up my arm. I worked with autistic children in a residential facility. One night- I pulled one out of the road before he got hit by a car. In the process, I ripped open my upper right arm. This changed how I looked at alot of things... and handled certain things... and viewed certain people. My already short tolerance became shorter.


But I'm here. And for the most part, I know that I'm suppose to be...But sometimes I find it therapeutic to think about what/who I would be if my path had not been altered in some of those 'by choice' and 'not by choice ways'.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Movie Night



So last night I went out with my home girl Roxy to see The Ot.her Bol.eyn Sis.ter. Lemme tell you, that movie left my head spinning. It was dark and disturbed and twisted and... actually really good. But it gave me such a clear view on why men say women are evil...lol. Even my dad says it- and he has a daughter.

There is representation of the goodness of a women who is kind and honest and strong. And then there is the representation of the other woman; manipulative, selfish, unscrupulous and crazy as hell. Women as a whole may have both of these sides within them. The use of sexual wiles (aka Sexual Bewitchery) to goad and tease a man has been an art that has been taught or learned for... well, forever. Some women have mastered it while others still pursue perfecting. But it's the desired outcome that can be dangerous and reveal the true nature of a woman- good vs evil.

I've heard of some surreptitious tactics to win a man- But Anne B was so comfortable with what she was doing that I couldn't help but wonder when she became amoral. And then I go back to my real life and I look at some of the situations that my friends have been in and I see some of the same things.

For example- two heterosexual sisters; one lesbian- MY GOD the drama...

Again, I wonder, what is missing that makes women do such things. Originally, Anne B was normal and was just as kind and funny as her sister- witty and educated as well. But her strength ran off the king. Then she learned other more distructive ways to win his affections (after he'd already bedded her sister) and she lost her mind in the process.

So whose to blame? If he had accepted her to begin with- she wouldn't have resulted to doing what she did, but should a man really affect who you are a person sooo much that you change the makeup of your heart and mind?

I wonder this alot because I have been called intimidating due to how comfortable I am with myself and my achievements-thus running men off myself. Supposedly, it's going to take a special kind of man to truly appreciate me and be willing to take it one day at a time and understand that he still won't be getting any after the third date...lol. I mean, do I really have to change to maintain the interest of a man; with cunning ways and smooth words...? I hate to believe that it's me who is defective, but how could it not be... I've been single WAY longer than I've been entangled (which is not so for some of my idiotic counterparts)... and if I changed elements about myself than maybe that wouldn't be the case.

Too bad I like myself to much to change A DAMN THING...lol. I learned a long time ago that I am different. Not because of anything really significant- simply because I've abstained from sex.... by choice, for reasons that are not entwined with the Bib.le (because God knows I sin), and decided to get a masters degree at 22, and know the importance of having good credit and live accordingly, and talk really really dirty when I want to, and talk honest and open with expectations of the same. You would think there is nothing extraordinary about that- but my encounters have revealed that maybe there is (on both sides).

But I still don't know who is to blame for the situation where a women goes from good to evil because a man didn't want her in the state he met her; which changed her. He has a right to want what he wants- but why does it have to be done in such a way? Why does appreciation not come until she has completely submitted to the dark side and woes him with her newly acquired skills...
Maybe you can help me out...