Monday, January 26, 2009

I gotta write

My head is spinning.
I can't understand me or what just happened.
I'm talking to myself about this situation, but I can't seem to get over it.
Why can't I stop thinking about him.
Why can't I stop thinking about this.
I just hate how easily I let myself fall.
Fall into a situation where I slightly rely on another.
It shouldn't have happened.
But somewhere between the falling asleep on his couch, going with his crew to DC, and then fall asleep in his bed; I found myself trusting him.
Relying on him.
Letting him take care of me.
But that was wrong of me.
Because he's not at a place where he can be that to me.
And I know that.
So how is it that I let it happen?
But even worse, once I corrected it with my slightly inebriated tongue; why do I now miss it?
I should have never gotten to this place.
Trusting him the way I did.
Relying on him the way I did.
It's been five minutes.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Could I blame some of it on the fact that I'm alone in this city and I just want to have someone?
Could I blame it on his intense charm and magnetic personality?
Partially so...
But I must hold up the mirror to me and ask myself, WHY DID I LET MY GUARD DOWN?
I know he made me laugh.
I know he told me I'd be the newest part of the 'crew'.
I know that he invited me to do stuff when I am so accustom to being left out in the cold.
But why did I feel as though that pattern would continue.
I should have tredded those waters lightly, rather diving in head first;
because know I feel the bruising of bumping my head in the too shallow waters.
The attraction of the water was too hard to resist
and all I wanted was to be submerged.
Safe... like within my mother's womb.
I was actually ok with him taking care of things for me.
Appreciated it even.
Enjoyed the attention, affection, and interest.
But I couldn't let all of that continue without voicing my concerns.
He's a taken man; and although they are on their last leg, they are still holding on to it.
So I should have never been where I was.
And I should never have let myself feel what I now feel.
A loss.
I don't understand how my guard was put down so swiftly that I missed it happening.
Oh, to be treated in just the right way...
A rare thing for me.
The sarcasm with gentlemen touches;
The affection with the third grade influences;
The attention that fell intermittently rather than direct that somehow made me feel more desired than those who attend intensely;
The subconscious 'babes' and 'huns' that used to bother me with my ex; bring warmth and acceptance (cause every female in his camp is called that).
But once I voiced my concern about how closely we were walking on the line;
He swiftly corrected himself.
And now, I miss it.
I miss it, and I hate that I miss it, because I never should have had it.
I need to get out of this city for a few days.
I feel a bit sick with myself and this...
And yes, I feel like I'm over reacting as well... this also bothers me...sigh


Rashan Jamal said...

Woman, what did I tell you!!! Why are you so hardheaded? LOL

(vixenchick) said...

Wow. Looks like you're falling in love.

1/3 said...

i agree with vixenchick...just sucks that he's taken:-(

dessex said...

Love can make you put yo card down