The dimensions of virginity

I confuse people.
And I should.

I talk as though I know; I tease as though I would; I dance as though I should.
But I don't know from experience;
eventually the teasing will become a will, but for now it's a won't;
and there's alot of 'shoulds' out there, but I pick and choose which ones to actually do.

To top it off, I have been known to have unsermountable standards
....supposedly.

Honestly... I don't know about that. I don't have a list of what I want. I just have a very sharp reaction to what I like. I DO make the first move if I see something I like. I AM open and direct, more than not expressing 'I think you're cute and you and I should talk' without qualms or hesitation.

From my undergrad years when I used to chase after men and make ALL the effort, I know what I would do if I REALLY liked someone, so nowadays after the initial blast of aggression, I cool rather quickly to see where his mental/effort is before letting it all hang out on my end.

Once viriginity is told (within the first 3 conversations usually...) the situation fades to black with a graceless exit and a clear message of the true intent. A great bullshit detector..lol

There has been times when virginity has not been revealed and the same outcome occurs (more slowly of course) but that could be attributed to my very strong minded nature (not to be confused with opinionated or stagnant... I just think alot and that is expressed in my conversation). I am not a lightweight conversationalist, and if you are not truly a thinker, you have nothing for me...(could be perceived as a hurdle... i guess it is... labeled 'don't be stupid').

But as much I as I am a virgin
I am every inch a sexual person
I love touching, and kissing, and teasing play, and suggestive talk, and promising glances...

And I want all of those things when I date/comit/engage/marry.

But that's the movie, and I'm lacking on the previews. The courtship. The requests for my time for an event such as dinner, movies, museum tour, talking in the park, a moment with ice cream, hell~ a phone call just because is a rarity.

:sigh:

I can't help but wonder if I do it to myself. I've had my fair share of 'willing to tear you up' sexual moments ... but those have become tiresome, and are almost to the point of not doing anything for me anymore. And I still have a few people around me that would be MORE than willing to fulfill my every desire without me doing anything for them specifically; but I've never been one to settle for just the physicality of it all. If 'I want to make you cum' could do it, TRUST, it would have already happened. Those words from you is a goodbye from me. Try again...with someone who is NOT me.

But I've lacked the experience of a gaga'd man who didn't let me go.
Because I do get scared and I may push away a bit...it isn't outta the blue (I forewarn men of my nature... but I've yet to master how NOT to push...Maybe it's my own subconscious test of whether or not I'm wanted).

That's what it is.
I'm scared to death to go along with someone who isn't 100% sure he wants me (good, bad, fro'd, braided up, curly, sweet, salty, annoying, funny, mad, joyously happy, stressed, lazy and all that)
And I've always been scared.
People leave all the time for their own reasons, and some share their logic behind their departure, and some don't.
It happens every day... with family, friends, blog followers and every other kind of relationship

I guess it stems from the most important goodbye that I was never prepared to make...:deeper sigh:

So I may 'push' to see if he REALLY wants me
by starting to saying 'no' when he asks for me to come over; hoping he suggests to come get me to go out
Or not call back immediately; hoping he'll try again with a text or something to show he's eager to talk
Or shutting down the flirtatious lighthearted talk; hoping he'd be interested in my more revealing serious side

Because.... I'm INSECURE....there... I said it.

But it will not TOTALLY consume me and cause me to settle. I hope to stay strong and wait for the RIGHT man... not just the one who's sorta interested in me for now...

I know (and I've heard it always) that he will come into my life at the right time God willing..

One day.

Which could have been Wednesday...lol
I got his phone number because..
He's Haitian (YEH!)
God fearing
Funny
Cute
No kids
No girlfriend (a problem I had one too many times)
Has a job (I.S. department for the hospital I work/intern in)

:Koolaid Smile:
And he called me back (two days later, but that's ok... we're all busy...lol)
We didn't talk cause I was blinded by my shopping, but I'll call today.

So we'll see...and I'm hoping

This is longer than I intended... but as I said... I've been doing some thinking... and this was just one facet... Have a great weekend blog fam