We're friends.....right?

I've had a ridiculous amount of male friends in my lifetime. The reason for this: I don't know. Usually, it starts out with an attraction, but when it doesn't evolve into a physical tryst, then somehow it becomes this comfortable friendship with a ridiculous amount of openness that has exposed me to the male psyche in so many ways. Sometimes, I think I know too much about what makes a man tick.

Thinking about all these male interactions that I have made me wonder... when do you stop considering a friendship platonic? Is it at the level of attraction? Because, honestly, I don't have any male friends that I don't find attractive. That doesn't entirely coincide with my being attracted to them, but I definately understand why a woman would be. Does it stop when the other person in the relationship develops feelings? What if those feelings aren't mutual? Can you still label it a platonic interaction? I've kissed guys (not on a regular basis- just at some point during the friendship) and still been good friends with them without batting an eyelash when they introduce me to their girlfriends. I'm usually happy for them and wish good things. I sometimes recommend distance so as to limit their appreciation of me so that they focus on their girlfriends and not me; but usually I'm met with laughter and a shrug. But are we platonic? I wonder about who I would keep around if I were in a relationship... but one of those friendships in particular leaves me a little perplexed. He's been one of my closest friends for four years and has had feelings for me for most of that time (although he has never made a move). Would it be wrong of me to continue that friendship even though I've made it perfectly clear that he and I would not work (due to his inability to ask me out... I need a guy who goes after what he wants... in all facets and is comfortable with himself enough to do so) if I were to get involved with someone? Could I still call him friend even though his feelings for me are more? I know that most guys don't think anything of a kiss (and some dont consider that cheating)... so me being a virgin makes life easy for them in their mental and I'm comfortably labeled 'friend'. But am I really? Regular texts/calls...going out on 'dates', eating dinner and cuddling on the couch are all things that I've done with friends at one point or another. I really don't know.... Yet another thing I'm confused on.

Update (thanks to Jasmin and Jameil's commentary): I need to clarify before people start lookin at me wrong...lol. I am not regularly kissing or cuddling with any of my friends. Those are just boundaries that have been crossed at some point or another within those friendships, but does not occur repeatedly or throughout the friendship. The friend that I've had for the last four years... I've done nothing with. Not a kiss, not holding hands- nothing. No mixed messages. I could not fathom regularly engaging in kisses and touches and not catch feelings... I'm not that talented. What I'm wondering is if that line has been crossed at some point in the friendship, does it change the dementions and turn it into something that can no longer be labeled platonic? Or if one of the people in the friendship catches feelings, does it mean that a platonic situation is no longer feasible?

Digression: gotta duet with Sojourner on his poetry site. If you're interested- check it out: The Virgin Temptation

My lyfe

Disclaimer- this was written on Thurs- but I fell asleep before I finished so just think Thurs...lol

Sooooooooo, this sucks.

I called the dealer yesterday to get an update on my car to see if it would be ready today or tomorrow (since I knew the guy who normally calls me incessantly was off, thus no update). I got this lady who had a very thick accent. Luckily- I am fluent in Spanglish.

So I tell her my name and ask her if she has the update on my car. Within a fraction of a second, she tells me that my car is ready. Really? Wow- great. That suprised me. A dealership earlier than they estimated?... that never happens. I call my friend and we head out to the dealership. I get there and walk in to the body shop. I see the lady I spoke to on the phone (name by the way Dolce, which means sweet in spanish). She, as soft and sweet as ever, directs me to the secretary who prints off my info from the computer and takes me over to the cashier for payment of the deductible (sigh- the responsible insurance comp has stated that they will be denying the claim- thus I have to wait and get reimbursed my ded after my insurance sues theirs..... I'm never gonna see that money again....). I walk back to the body shop with my receipt eager to receive my car back.

Dolce comes out with some keys in her hand and says 'Les go to jour carro'.

She stops at a 98 Gold Camry. 'Do jou want to sheck eet out?'.

I furrow my brow and respond 'No- this is not my car.'

With a confused look on her face, she grabs the paper from my hand with the details of my car and says 'oooooooh.'

Then she walks away. I look over at my friend and wonder what the hell just happen.

Dolce walks out with her hands in her pockets with a forlorn look on her face.

'I muss have mix jou up with the name that was given to me with the keys that were dropped off on my desk jus as jou call me.'

'So my car is not ready?'

'No- did jou return jour rental.'

I paused for a moment collecting my thoughts because I didn't want to get pissed or upset. It's been two weeks and I just hate hate HATE relying on other people to take me around cause I feel soooo bad. The only people I've ever felt comfortable asking favors from are my family members cause I know that they do things for me out of love. With my friends, I always wonder if they are keeping score, even if they do love me... I know that's ridiculous, but I'm weird. (The name she mixed me up with: Rose.... really? Rose sounded the same as my name? Uh-huh). '

'Com'mon, I'll take you home' my friend looks at me and takes my hand.

'Look- when will my car be ready for sure?'

'Tomorrrrow'

'Ok. Can you have them change the oil as well. Thanks.'

'Si. Jour carro will be beautiful tomorrow.' She walked back inside and I left.

Well it's 'tomorrrrow' and I haven't heard anything. I called another one of my friend's to take me to the dealership (because i don't feel right asking my friend who took me yesterday- especially since she didn't offer, which I know means she doesn't want to do it). I called the delearship at round 3 (knowing that the end of day is at 6) and of course my car is not yet ready. I ask explicitly 'Is it going to be ready today?'

'We are doing everything dat we can to feeneesh it today.'

Another vague ass answer. This is where the frustration really kicks in because I don't really have that many friends at my disposal to ask to take me to the dealer, and my parents work so they are clean out the question.

'I will call jou when jour carro is ready.'

'Ok'.

I wait all the way up until 5:20pm. Still nothing- so of course I call. I get some other lady and leave a message for Dolce to call me back. A guy calls me back about 5 min later.

'We did everything to get your car done today, but unfortunately, we still have not been able to complete the job.'

'Look- I have been incredibly patient and I understand that this is a delicate process, but this has been ridiculous. You mistake me with someone else, which I find to be highly unlikely if you had actually looked me up in the system rather than just talking. And then you confirm that my car will be ready today, which again, is not correct. If you were unsure of the completion date, I would have preferred hearing 'either Thurs or Fri'. But you told me today without hesitation, so I expect to have a car today. So, I need some type of transportation arranged for me until you do have my car ready.'

'You don't have a rental?'

'No. I returned it when Dolce told me my car was ready.' (LIE!- but whatever)

'Ok, when can you get here.'

'In 20 min.'

'Alright, I'll have a car arranged for you if you can make it here before we close.'

This is when all the stress left my bones. I no longer have to rely on anyone to take me to and from the dealership- yeh!!!. I'm unsure of when my car will be completed (hopefully Fri cause I really miss her (no she does not have a name) and I can't wait to get her back). So I'm sure you are wondering what car I got from the dealership. A 2007 Honda Civic- black. My car is better, but this will definately due (since I was thinkin I was gonna get a Dodge Neon or something...lol).

So- Friday is Happy Hour with brudder and my friend Sheen who took me to the dealer on the first day. Good, cause I miss him and I haven't gotten the chance to tell him my woes... He'll tell me just what I need to hear (which is essentially- suck it up and deal. You have car that you can use until yours is ready... so supportive. I love it!....lol).

I just can't wait for all of this to be over, but it won't be until I get my deductible back. Who knows how long that will take since I have yet to hear from my adjustor and don't even know if they have started the process yet. Oh well. My lyfe....


I need a guy like this- who can turn every day into classical...lol


Update: He's back from vacation!! I have learned to appreciate his incessant calls/updates on the status of my car. He gave me the details as to what was going on with my car and why it has been taking so long for it to be ready. Of course, the great communicators that his co-workers are, didn't share what happen to me this week; so I naturally filled him in. He was amazed and quite disappointed and gave me even more detail with what was up with my car, letting me know that I will not be getting my car back today, saturday, or sunday... thus, enjoy the rental on them...lol.

Its random

~Supposedly, I'm getting my car back from the dealership tomorrow... at least that's what the body shop guy called to tell me last week four times

~I've actually learned the art of getting tipsy/drunk without throwing up and got to enjoy that feeling last friday at my fav Happy Hour/club spot

~I'm so ashamed of myself for liking this song. I have hated him since...oh... i don't know... forever. I never could do the greased up made for tv star that was pre packaged to be 'pretty'. But I bump to it every time I hear it...so ashamed...lol

~I realize I don't think I'm sexy/beautiful. I actually get uncomfortable when told such things. Cute- I can handle. I've been comfortably cute since time began (for me), but sexy- especially with partial nudity.... naww, not me. I get completely shy- something no one would expect from me because I'm so damn confident. But it's with my clothes on. I guess having sex will change that for me??? Who knows

~I am loving my spring break. It is filled with sleep, writing, more sleep, tv, some napping, and hanging out with friends and did I mention I have gotten plenty of sleep?... I've spent little money (yeh! cause i have none) and have enjoyed random 5 min convos with my step mom about dumb shit that has me dyin. That woman will make an event out of going to Wal-Mart... and is waitin for when I say lets go- but she won't get ready to go, or ask.. because truthfully- she doesn't want to drive. Mind you- Wal Mart is 5 min up the road... but she's always claimin-' I thought you said we were going to Wal Mart' in her affectionate haitian accent and I respond 'Well let's go then'... Neither one of us moves. It's hilarity at it's finest

~How is it that people know the EXACT moment when you are at your busiest to call one after the other; but when you are doing nothing with your life, your phone is silent?

~I hear pets make you live longer. According to some random report somewhere on this oh so reliable entity we call the web, there is a study that shows people who live with pets live longer. I still don't know if I'm a cat person or a dog person. Cats are more independent, use the litter and can live without too much affection. Dogs are all about being in your face, workin you 0ut, barking for no reason (some dogs, not all), and knowing when you are low to be there.... I guess I'll find out when I decide to get a pet

~Bitchassness has become an epidemic. I hear it everywhere now. How da hell Diddy do that? Just make some shit so popular... and watch- he'll be the one that promotes it soooo much, that we'll get sick of it. But for now... I kinda want that shirt he was wearin...lol.... nawwwww. But I loved loved LOVED how he called out the democratic party and it's bitchassness....

~I realize I have only been on about 5 real dates in my life. You know, when the guy comes to your house, waits a little for you to finish up your last touches, opens your car door, takes you to the movie/dinner/whatever and engages you in interesting/awkward first date convo, if going well- hitting a spot for coffee or something, if not- going home because you're 'tired', a hug goodnight and discussion of calls being exchanged in the morrow- that kinda date. Yeah, only had a handful... and mostly with men that aren't black. Do black men not do dates? hmmmm

~He keeps calling/texting me. Obviously I don't like talking to you because you continuously interrupt me with questionnaire inquiries all the while not listening to the answer. Leave.me.alone.

~When did Martin Lawrence become Disney friendly?

~And when did the text message become the new conversation starter with someone you met at the club? Is a phone call no longer the thing to do? Man, have men become so scared of discourse that they reduce themselves to askin about my day via text... Do you really wanna know if you do it that way...? I mean- I only have 160 characters... can I really break down my day for you in that span.. or just break you off with a quick 'fine'....see, you don't really want to know... you just want the quickie...

I'm done....

Anniversary

Twenty years has passed since that day. I revisit it each year and look at my former self. I sit with that little girl and smile at her unknowing face hoping she doesn't see the sadness that lies behind my eyes. She runs and sits onto the corner of her mommy's bed- watching as the last breath is exhaled. She knows nothing of what has just occurred and is eager for the time when her mother looks at her again. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that hold all the worlds greatest secrets. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that ease any questionable feelings. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that know all about her heart. Just…looks at her.

Because it had been weeks since she had truly looked at her. I walk over to her and place my hand on her four year shoulder that now carries a new burden not yet felt. I whisper all that I can to help her know and understand that everything will be ok. She pulls away and crawls to her mother's side, wrapping herself in her mother's still warm embrace- because that is where she is safe. It is within that moment that my tear falls because I am unable to remember that feeling. That feeling of my mother's embrace.

Although sirens are heard and commotion is soon to come, she falls asleep. Safe in the still warm embrace of her mother's arms. And I envy her. So I climb into that very bed and crawl up into that very spot and rest my head exactly where it should be…. And I am safe. Safe in the still warm embrace of my mother's arms. I long to stay in this moment until there is no longer a sense of time, but I know that I cant. Soon I will awake; and my four year old form will dissipate from my mind's eye. And her embrace will no longer be felt. I will be left here- without her…. But not yet. For now- I am still safe. Safely asleep in my mother's still warm embrace.

And as heaven's shift and night becomes day, I am retured to my present. My present where she has no place in the physical. But her spirit guides me and it lights my way through life… with a gentle light… just as she looked at me…. Gentle- with those eyes that knew all about my heart.

I must

So- of course, I am part of Makin the Blog (even though I'm still wondering when I volunteered...lol) and although I'm fully aware that I do not really have to do this- I'm gonna do the assignment. But unlike some people, I'm actually gonna be real. Unfortunately, I couldn't just show love for one- so I had to give it up to all that I adore...

Directions: To set the mood- press play and listen to some Max while reading, cause he's the reason why this post took this direction...lol



~It was in the white curves on that black page where I experienced my first orgasm. I came before I was ready and I held my eyes close to savor the last lingering tingles, biting my lip wondering at how he knew my spot. He went so deep, and I shoulda protested but with the quick wit tongue, sarcastic stroke, and finger exposing vocab...I was so turned on. But what else can be expected from a Casanova

~I thought about becoming a hookah so that he could breath in my essence through those lips. Movin atop his pleura seductively so that it would welcome my penetration and allow my darkened kisses to line the grooves of his lobes. And as he expelled, I would stroke the vocal folds of his throat and have him hummin my song. I'm waitin to affect his breath in one thousand nine hundred and eighty ways... cause he sure as hell has done that to me

~An enigma that arouses the dormant portion(s) of my cerebrum with tantalizing touches of thought provoking words/questions. A shadowed form that causes internal and external climaxing by way of a few keyboard kisses. I hold him in a deep throat position, not wanting him far from my mental as he expels his seed(s) into my head. I soak myself in his questions, bathing in the possibility of he bein the solution

~I yearn to complete the thought in his head before he exerts a single key stroke along the length of his poetic commentary~ but alas, I find myself walkin in post creation. Don't get it twisted, I enjoy watching his self gratification, but I desire the duet of our literary exegesis so the fruits of our united labor reflect the union of he and I in each line, minus the bars.

~He is the T.obey Mc.guire to my Pl.easantville- splashing his tongue in my crevices aggressively against my will, takin me to hieghts unbeknownst to me in my previous existence. He is my definition, perfection casted within the thrusts of his pulse and he exudes his verbal prowess in that youthful way that demonstrates his eagerness to be hailed as Ceasar

~Comes and goes like the river, and brings forth the tide. You see, I rise to meet him as he plunges into my grainy coves with accented lullabies sung in his native tongue. He reaches to my core to elicit my wetness and I am left with nothing but a hint of who I used to be; because in all that he wrote- he managed to change me without protest. I simply sighed....ahhhh.

~I am a ghost shaded by night when I walk along the steps of his brick built words. I quiver to the beat of his side song playin that thumps my ear drums every time I open into his darkness. He speaks of solidarity with warmth, but I long to bring true heat to his earthly manifestations so as to allow growth. His pen stretches my inexperienced form and teaches me unknowingly how to align my ink on his paper. But I must expose myself to know his tru genius. Until then, I'll walk along the steps of his brick built words housed by his complex simplicities

To the females who I've come read regularly: This is for you (not that I'm crushin, but I appreciate)

Alright...Look, my Divalicious Opinions have placed me in the relm of this blogsphere that has allowed me the opportunity to Write As I Please. You see, as a fellow Renaissance Black Woman, it is my duty and responsibility to read, understand, and continue to become educated in the Exercises Of Fabulosity. Thus, I am no longer...In The Search... of true magnificents; I embody it. And at days end, I will look around as I sip a Cool Glass of Dejanade and be thankful that I had the priviledge to be exposed, taught, and respected by such women. To you- I say Thank you.

That moment

I've been thinking about it for as long as I can remember. That moment when my life went from one direction into another. Not in a little way, like dessert or no dessert, but in a major way.

I sometimes feel as tho I am not suppose to be where I am; like somehow, my cards got mixed up somewhere along the way. I know that biblically speaking, that is no possible- all things happen for a reason and that reason leads His children to the destination that He has for them (regardless of what happens in the mean time). But there are moments and sometimes days when I truly feel as if this life is not suppose to be mine.


Moments for me:

Her presences in my life as more than spirit and faith. Walking the path she guided with words rather than the path I felt closest to her through. Adolescent hatred of her rather than yearning for her arms during fits of silent tears. Conversations with her as a fellow woman about men and interactions rather than...not

Not saying yes. Loving him as strongly and as deeply as I did, my best friend- I still don't fully understand my hesitation. Knowing that my father probably wouldn't have allowed me to date, and being a school girlfriend didn't seem like something he could do. Plus he was so ready to have sex, and I so wasn't. But if I did say yes, I would have known love like no other. He would've been my first. I don't know if I could have kept him from the dark road he ended up going down, but that's his path and I won't speculate having that kind of power... but my life would have definately being different.

Not getting accepted. I would have been in Tampa at this time becoming an audiologist rather than a speech therapist. My relationship with my parents probably wouldn't have been what it is. I would have definately been different- flexing those independent muscles at 22 in incredible academic dept with alot more exposure to black men that are interested in black women (cause when I visit there- they holler across the street...lol; but my friends who live there say that happens all the time-so I don't get bigheaded..lol).

Fucking up my arm. I worked with autistic children in a residential facility. One night- I pulled one out of the road before he got hit by a car. In the process, I ripped open my upper right arm. This changed how I looked at alot of things... and handled certain things... and viewed certain people. My already short tolerance became shorter.


But I'm here. And for the most part, I know that I'm suppose to be...But sometimes I find it therapeutic to think about what/who I would be if my path had not been altered in some of those 'by choice' and 'not by choice ways'.

Movie Night

So last night I went out with my home girl Roxy to see The Ot.her Bol.eyn Sis.ter. Lemme tell you, that movie left my head spinning. It was dark and disturbed and twisted and... actually really good. But it gave me such a clear view on why men say women are evil...lol. Even my dad says it- and he has a daughter.

There is representation of the goodness of a women who is kind and honest and strong. And then there is the representation of the other woman; manipulative, selfish, unscrupulous and crazy as hell. Women as a whole may have both of these sides within them. The use of sexual wiles (aka Sexual Bewitchery) to goad and tease a man has been an art that has been taught or learned for... well, forever. Some women have mastered it while others still pursue perfecting. But it's the desired outcome that can be dangerous and reveal the true nature of a woman- good vs evil.

I've heard of some surreptitious tactics to win a man- But Anne B was so comfortable with what she was doing that I couldn't help but wonder when she became amoral. And then I go back to my real life and I look at some of the situations that my friends have been in and I see some of the same things.

For example- two heterosexual sisters; one lesbian- MY GOD the drama...

Again, I wonder, what is missing that makes women do such things. Originally, Anne B was normal and was just as kind and funny as her sister- witty and educated as well. But her strength ran off the king. Then she learned other more distructive ways to win his affections (after he'd already bedded her sister) and she lost her mind in the process.

So whose to blame? If he had accepted her to begin with- she wouldn't have resulted to doing what she did, but should a man really affect who you are a person sooo much that you change the makeup of your heart and mind?

I wonder this alot because I have been called intimidating due to how comfortable I am with myself and my achievements-thus running men off myself. Supposedly, it's going to take a special kind of man to truly appreciate me and be willing to take it one day at a time and understand that he still won't be getting any after the third date...lol. I mean, do I really have to change to maintain the interest of a man; with cunning ways and smooth words...? I hate to believe that it's me who is defective, but how could it not be... I've been single WAY longer than I've been entangled (which is not so for some of my idiotic counterparts)... and if I changed elements about myself than maybe that wouldn't be the case.

Too bad I like myself to much to change A DAMN THING...lol. I learned a long time ago that I am different. Not because of anything really significant- simply because I've abstained from sex.... by choice, for reasons that are not entwined with the Bib.le (because God knows I sin), and decided to get a masters degree at 22, and know the importance of having good credit and live accordingly, and talk really really dirty when I want to, and talk honest and open with expectations of the same. You would think there is nothing extraordinary about that- but my encounters have revealed that maybe there is (on both sides).

But I still don't know who is to blame for the situation where a women goes from good to evil because a man didn't want her in the state he met her; which changed her. He has a right to want what he wants- but why does it have to be done in such a way? Why does appreciation not come until she has completely submitted to the dark side and woes him with her newly acquired skills...

Maybe you can help me out...