Happy New Year to me!

So apparently it is time for me to make a New Year's Resolution. It would be great if I had some profound shyt to say about what I have discovered in myself and all the elements that I would like to change... But to be perfectly honest... I like myself just as much as I liked myself last year, thus.. My only resolution is to be better at being me... Better in school, better with friends, better at being single (I don't know how I could get better at that since I think I've mastered that skill after all these years...lol). Sometimes my decision to be me sways, with alcohol, or the hot guy of the week.. because of the thought "I'm over this singledom and I must change so that my status changes"... but in the morning light when all is clear, I think 'no, I must tread forward and appreciate my untapped vessel and understand that at the end of the day, I can't be swayed by outside forces, only by what lies within'. (So deep... I think I get snaps for that one...lol)

I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable New Year... Be blessed in '08!

Why was I there?

I went the the R-Kelly Double up concert... I'm not really sure as to why... My friend was adament about me going; all the way to the point where he bought my ticket for me. Normally, this would not be a problem... however, he has feelings... feelings that make me feel awkward. It was almost palpable to me. His desire for me makes me uncomfortable. I'm not used to that... Usually, I'm the one wanting something deeper... but in this case, it's vice versa. There are a million reasons why our relationship would be wrong... but the main one is me. I don't want it... or at least, not with him... and watching him bumping and grinding further confirmed that feeling for me. But what's making me think that last night was a mistake... I can feel him even stronger through the phone. His wanting is seeping it's way through electronic lines saturating my ears, entering into my viens cause my system to get all fucked up... in an irritated sort of way. My fuse has gotten almost non existent... and with him, he needs me to have a long fuse. I can't even really write about this anymore; -SIGH- My Lyfe!

Alone in the world

What would it be like if there was nothing but me and a dog... There are times when I want to be alone so damn bad it hurts. I hate being around people so much that there are moments when I just turn my phone off, lock my door, and ignore the world as I know it. There are no more demands made, no more desires, no more expectations... just me and all my natural glory. I wish it was so. I wish it was so sooo terribly much. It's hard to think of what I will become as a woman exposed to the experiences of living in Orlando being black, a woman, a virgin, drivin as hell to become better than the rest and determined to make a difference on an everyday-onepersonatatime kind of way, all the while always saying on my mind without holding back. I don't know if I'll last. And that's why I wonder about what it would be like to be locked in this state and no longer engage in further human interactions. Cause, to be honest, I love who I am... It's just understood by few, and when I'm exposed to people, expectations arise, and thus disappointment is soon to follow. Words flow from folk like wine and if I didn't know any better, I'd be drunk by the appeal of it all... but I never take a sip of a word.. naw my liquour is the action of folk... fuck intentions... it's what you do that slids my step into uneven strides and slurs my speech from the entoxification of it all....

And at this stage of my life... I find myself drinking alone

So maybe it would be better to be alone with a dog removed from what the world has become in my own little element of reclusive bliss...

I'm so ashamed...

I find myself watching CMT. How does that happen? How do I become wrapped up in the choice of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders? Oh I know, because BET is all about Hell Date (a horror of a television show) and MTV/VH1 have become the same station; re-running episodes until you have the entire dialogue memorized. This is what vacation has done to me. But I'm gonna be real about this. I'm about this Crossroads business. I've never truly hated country and could never grasp the statement 'I like everything but country'. If you live everything, trust me, you can find a joint in the country genre that will have your head bobbin and your toe tappin. And if you're a lyric fan (which I must admit, I am), then you can definately enjoy a good country song, cause there is always a good story.

Shows that I'm a little ashamed to admit that I like:

Why do I like 'I Love New York'? I think maybe it's because of Buddah...lol. I just cant resist the stupidity of it all. I mean, there was a dude on there with the nickname 'Punk' and another was just 'It'. Now 'It' kinda deserved that name cause his ass was an IDIOT, but 'Punk'.... well, he kinda turned out to be one in the end, so....

The Hills. White rich people fascinate the hell outta me. The problems, the trials and tribulations, the dramatization of it all...; I can't help it...Lauren (aka LC), a dope white girl...lol

The Real World. I have been in love with this damn show for years. No matter how bad it gets, or how limited the diversity has become (the token, but no more and no less...), I am all about it. Especially this season. All the ridiculousness (I know that can't be a real word) just has me crackin up. Maybe I'm addicted to drama that aint mine.....

Project Runway. How can you live without watching gay or almost gay men and overly eccentric women work in a small work space to create something 'just fabulous'. I am a big fan of fashion, even without the funds to achieve the authentic, but I like to rock the knock off and make it my own. I think that's what makes me enjoy that show... it gives me ideas as to how to wear what I have in my own way. That and all those dramatic pauses... speaking of dramatic pauses...

America's Next Top Model. I'm amazed at myself for enjoying that show. It really does have me settin my clock for 8 on Wed... I'm so ashamed...lol

That's all I got for now.... I'm sure there's more, but these are my top picks....

I appreciate you

I'm not gonna lie, I love a strong black man who takes command and tells me "I want you as my woman." But to be honest, I haven't met any. Honestly, I haven't. It's amazing, but my good friend, who is the quintessential representative of black male consciousness, always explains to me that it is this city. Orlando, FL has no understanding or appreciation of a woman who is going to graduate school full time (and not in the traditional sense of 35 credits, oh nooo, I have the glorious 75 credit graduate program since I am in a clinical profession, joy to my wallet....) to try to better herself and become something worthwhile; who doesn't take much shyt, and who loves her family (father, step mother, brother) with the aggression of a mother lion with her cubs. Oh no, the men in this city have no idea what to really do with that. Well I find that to be so odd, because my undergraduate years at UCF exposed me to men who complained all the time about the women they were dealing with and how they didn't treat'em right. I couldn't really understand it because I always did. I tried to appreciate people in an abundant and wordless kind of way, especially my beautiful black counterparts, with simple things that could not be mistaken as anything by the truest affection and care of a woman. Didn't really produce anything fruitful, but I never really did it for that. I did it because I always felt that the best way to live your life is through truly caring for another. It's kind of a self taught philosophy, but it does make me feel good, which could be why I choose a major in which I would help and serve others. It was and is instinctual for me to give and love in abundance on a day to day regiman.

But I have yet to encounter that strong black man that looks and me with that look of understanding and tells me 'I want you to be my woman.' It used to bother me alot, but now, it just makes me laugh. Especially when my friends call me the 2000 Claire Huxtable. I'm too much for the wrong kind of person, or so I'm told...lol.

But most times it isn't even the lover I'm yearning for.... It's the friend.

V is for... well, you know

I'm 23 approaching 24, and I've never been in love. In fact, I've never even been in really like. I've always just floated along in really lust, going from one odd scenerio to the next, never really finding anyone that settles me or who I would want to settle. It's been interesting, this ride. Always unsteady, never quite what I thought it would be. When I was first exposed to it (third grade- Dwayne and Jordan had me sandwiched between them in a hunchin match... tramatized me for life... well, maybe not for life...lol), I figured that I would never want to participate. The next time, I was actually educated in the truest sense of the word (finding my brother in my parents room watching a VERY adult flick, and explaining the mechanics of it all to his 9 year old little sister... expressing that the woman was screaming because it hurt and that I should never do it....) left me so battered, that I swore it off. Then I entered middle school and got a dose of what it does to you. Pregnancy, disease, and all sorts of other odd things happened in my predominantly white middle school. Kids sneaking off into the woods, telling me about sleepovers that they had that weekend that incorporated very little sleeping. It astonished me because my father was such a militant that I could have never imagined having the kind of freedom that these kids had. To this day, I'm envious, because I still don't really have it....lol. Then comes high school. And I found myself approaching senior year far behind the curve. I watched all of my friends go from being on my team in the minors to upgrading to the majors. All the while I thinking that if my father weren't so admament about his rules and making sure that I was never really part of any crowd, I probably would have done the same. Then there is college. And that's when the illusion of freedom came. And that is when some of my most interesting interactions occurred as well... but honestly, it never went below the belt. And to this day, it has yet to go there. I don't know what it is. Why I've denied it. It could be that dated conversation with my brother about the screaming lady...lol. Or maybe it's an instinctual thing that requires me to continuously say no- to ALL of it. I don't even know if I can budge on it anymore. Plus, when the opposite sex finds that you have retained your rookie status, they have a tendancy to flee- which I shrug off, because there is always someone next in line. But that tends to leave me in place where I'm always in lust, never in like, and a distant probability to in love. :Sigh: my lyfe.