V is for... well, you know

I'm 23 approaching 24, and I've never been in love. In fact, I've never even been in really like. I've always just floated along in really lust, going from one odd scenerio to the next, never really finding anyone that settles me or who I would want to settle. It's been interesting, this ride. Always unsteady, never quite what I thought it would be. When I was first exposed to it (third grade- Dwayne and Jordan had me sandwiched between them in a hunchin match... tramatized me for life... well, maybe not for life...lol), I figured that I would never want to participate. The next time, I was actually educated in the truest sense of the word (finding my brother in my parents room watching a VERY adult flick, and explaining the mechanics of it all to his 9 year old little sister... expressing that the woman was screaming because it hurt and that I should never do it....) left me so battered, that I swore it off. Then I entered middle school and got a dose of what it does to you. Pregnancy, disease, and all sorts of other odd things happened in my predominantly white middle school. Kids sneaking off into the woods, telling me about sleepovers that they had that weekend that incorporated very little sleeping. It astonished me because my father was such a militant that I could have never imagined having the kind of freedom that these kids had. To this day, I'm envious, because I still don't really have it....lol. Then comes high school. And I found myself approaching senior year far behind the curve. I watched all of my friends go from being on my team in the minors to upgrading to the majors. All the while I thinking that if my father weren't so admament about his rules and making sure that I was never really part of any crowd, I probably would have done the same. Then there is college. And that's when the illusion of freedom came. And that is when some of my most interesting interactions occurred as well... but honestly, it never went below the belt. And to this day, it has yet to go there. I don't know what it is. Why I've denied it. It could be that dated conversation with my brother about the screaming lady...lol. Or maybe it's an instinctual thing that requires me to continuously say no- to ALL of it. I don't even know if I can budge on it anymore. Plus, when the opposite sex finds that you have retained your rookie status, they have a tendancy to flee- which I shrug off, because there is always someone next in line. But that tends to leave me in place where I'm always in lust, never in like, and a distant probability to in love. :Sigh: my lyfe.