This chapter is closing and I am truly sad.
There is something incredibly amazing about children and their love and even with these children (autistic children), who don't always look you in the eye, or who completely ignore you, or don't use the language they have to express themselves because tantruming is easier, who are obsessive compulsive and need to have everything a certain way, or are just plain annoying... they love immensely. I have gotten the sweetest hugs, and the grandest expressions of appreciation through just the utilization of words rather than tantruming. I've seen wonderful improvements and I've experience something that will definitely go down in my books. Here's the thing... It makes me think about my career choice. The direction I've put myself on... to work with adults and help people regain what is lost. I have always wondered which was worse... to have the abilities and lose them, or to have to be taught skills deliberate and effortfully because you don't have what the rest of the world does. I choose adults because I felt that making a differences in their world would be realized and understood and appreciated...AND they would work hard for themselves too... because we ALL know, kids have a tough time caring about developing skills and sometimes they completely ignore you. I mean, the adult population I've chosen to deal with has alot of similarities with kids since they too don't really listen, but if they do get a clue...they put the effort in guns blazing and the effect on their lives are felt and appreciated. But with kids, you are changing the trajectory of their lives and so it is harder to feel the difference (for them). They (especially the autistic population) don't really have a full understanding of how MUCH they are getting from therapy and how significant it impacts their lives (over years... I do feel they grasp the significance in their daily worlds)... which made me feel as though their would be a lack of effort. And what I learned this summer? There is a lack of effort...lol... You have to push them the ENTIRE time and make them do what you KNOW is best... and in some instances, you have to educate the parent because even they don't always know what is best and need some direction. But I loved it. Because of the little hands the held mine when I told a child to come with me, or the eye contact that was finally made on the first call of their name, or the tickling fingers that wanted to give you the same joy that you give them when you tickle. It made me think of being a mother. And my mother who didn't get the chance to finish the job. And hoping that I get the chance to finish what she started...
See... my fear of never falling in love and being with someone who REALLY loves me is rooted in the desire to be a mother. I want that chance... and when people tell me I have all the time in the world, I can't help but think of my mother... who didn't and it brings me to the stark reality that maybe...just maybe, I might not either. We are all mortal and living in the moment while planning for tomorrow is a rule of thumb (not living for tomorrow...because it may not arrive). And this summer gave me the opportunity to be love...REALLY loved, even though I wasn't always the good guy. I wasn't always tickle fighting and giving in to their requests or being sweet and loving. I was sometimes (actually more often than not) saying no to what they wanted and making them do things they really didn't want to do and putting them in timeout for not following directions. I was all the high with all the low and they loved me regardless... I get smothered with hugs and found when tears appear because things aren't going great and I bring them the most comfort. And that love is a borrowed love. Because none of those kids are mine (in the sense that I am not their therapist and they will not be continuing with me). And that taste of hugging someone so small who turns to you with joy when it is said that autistic children don't do things like that and smile at the very sight of you (again something they don't supposedly do) and who trust you unconditionally with their weakest and most tender moments... and who don't care about being in their most vulnerable position with you; who are untainted by life's hard blows. It makes me crave for the day when I will have a little person who is born from me... And who will be with me and love me for as long as they can.
I'm getting emotional... I may have to come back to this... or maybe I'll just leave it at this... but regardless... it has been posted. Another mental put on paper for all the world to see
There is something incredibly amazing about children and their love and even with these children (autistic children), who don't always look you in the eye, or who completely ignore you, or don't use the language they have to express themselves because tantruming is easier, who are obsessive compulsive and need to have everything a certain way, or are just plain annoying... they love immensely. I have gotten the sweetest hugs, and the grandest expressions of appreciation through just the utilization of words rather than tantruming. I've seen wonderful improvements and I've experience something that will definitely go down in my books. Here's the thing... It makes me think about my career choice. The direction I've put myself on... to work with adults and help people regain what is lost. I have always wondered which was worse... to have the abilities and lose them, or to have to be taught skills deliberate and effortfully because you don't have what the rest of the world does. I choose adults because I felt that making a differences in their world would be realized and understood and appreciated...AND they would work hard for themselves too... because we ALL know, kids have a tough time caring about developing skills and sometimes they completely ignore you. I mean, the adult population I've chosen to deal with has alot of similarities with kids since they too don't really listen, but if they do get a clue...they put the effort in guns blazing and the effect on their lives are felt and appreciated. But with kids, you are changing the trajectory of their lives and so it is harder to feel the difference (for them). They (especially the autistic population) don't really have a full understanding of how MUCH they are getting from therapy and how significant it impacts their lives (over years... I do feel they grasp the significance in their daily worlds)... which made me feel as though their would be a lack of effort. And what I learned this summer? There is a lack of effort...lol... You have to push them the ENTIRE time and make them do what you KNOW is best... and in some instances, you have to educate the parent because even they don't always know what is best and need some direction. But I loved it. Because of the little hands the held mine when I told a child to come with me, or the eye contact that was finally made on the first call of their name, or the tickling fingers that wanted to give you the same joy that you give them when you tickle. It made me think of being a mother. And my mother who didn't get the chance to finish the job. And hoping that I get the chance to finish what she started...
See... my fear of never falling in love and being with someone who REALLY loves me is rooted in the desire to be a mother. I want that chance... and when people tell me I have all the time in the world, I can't help but think of my mother... who didn't and it brings me to the stark reality that maybe...just maybe, I might not either. We are all mortal and living in the moment while planning for tomorrow is a rule of thumb (not living for tomorrow...because it may not arrive). And this summer gave me the opportunity to be love...REALLY loved, even though I wasn't always the good guy. I wasn't always tickle fighting and giving in to their requests or being sweet and loving. I was sometimes (actually more often than not) saying no to what they wanted and making them do things they really didn't want to do and putting them in timeout for not following directions. I was all the high with all the low and they loved me regardless... I get smothered with hugs and found when tears appear because things aren't going great and I bring them the most comfort. And that love is a borrowed love. Because none of those kids are mine (in the sense that I am not their therapist and they will not be continuing with me). And that taste of hugging someone so small who turns to you with joy when it is said that autistic children don't do things like that and smile at the very sight of you (again something they don't supposedly do) and who trust you unconditionally with their weakest and most tender moments... and who don't care about being in their most vulnerable position with you; who are untainted by life's hard blows. It makes me crave for the day when I will have a little person who is born from me... And who will be with me and love me for as long as they can.
I'm getting emotional... I may have to come back to this... or maybe I'll just leave it at this... but regardless... it has been posted. Another mental put on paper for all the world to see
8 comments:
...awww..what a sentimental post...made me think of my nephew...it is such a wonderful and daunting thing-bringing a life into the world and bearing the responsibility for shaping who that little person becomes, how they shine their light on the world...curious when you say your mom didn't have that opportunity...pray and meditate on it lovey...don't let fear creep in...these days, if you really want a child, you can have one...
got scared reading the 1st few lines
thought u were quitting the blog
seems like uve made quite the impact on the kiddies.
which is more than a lot of biological moms can say
these kids needed u
and i know it was hard... and u didn't get 2 do all the things u thought u wanted 2 do this summer
but, in a way u did more
u gave of yourself, unselfishly D.
your mommy's quite proud, im sure.
..ps. its cool 2 get emotional.
we still love u.
-1-
awww
the sentimental posts are always appreciated
I could have sworn I left a comment in the last post, but anyway...sentimental is not a bad thing. If it's what you're feeling than why not express it right? right!
Good luck with the next move in you career!
yo why did I think you were going to stop blogging for a second... andyway... damn... do what you gotta do... life is nothing but constant change... so this change... whether it end up to be the most beneficial or not... was bound to happen anyway... all you can do is make the most of it until the next chapter...
You really have to school the parents of autistic children because they are clueless. Some are in denial and some think their kids are slow. Autistic kids are some of the brightest and I believe we aren't on their level (I know its a bit of a stretch) but they have intuition out the wazooooo
LOL. I thought you were giving up the blog too.
The sign of a good post is when it comes from the heart and makes you tear up as you write it.
i am so happy that you are finding work and moments in life that are proving to be fulfilling and providing you with a sense of clarity of the direction that you are wanting to go. i hope you truly are one day blessed with the opportunity to be a mother, because i know there is nothing like it.
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