That nigga I call my friend

I was in the blogosphere today, reading, thinking, and actually commenting for once... Usually I am just on that intake tip, but I guess it's time to do some real output... Thus a moment of reminiscing.

"What?" I knew what he was gonna say, but I had that facial that dared him to actually say it.
"Who the hell was that?" I only responded with a shrug
"Oh, you're not gonna tell me?" I just looked at him.

"I'm confused. Didn't you tell me that you didn't want nothing from me since you couldn't lay pipe? Why are you getting upset?" Me, continuing to avoid the answer threw out a question that I knew he wasn't ready to answer.

"You're avoiding the answer." Damn. That's why I liked him so much. He could see into me in a way that few did. It really got on my nerves though... Especially in moments like these.

"He's a friend"
"Like I'm a friend?"
"No, he's a different kind of friend"
"What kind of friend is that?"
"An old friend."
"A friend that you had something with?"
"Why is that any of your business?"
"Because I'm makin it so"
"Why?"
Silence

It was around 11:45pm and I ran into him coming out of the movies with my homeboy from high school. See, me and my homeboy are real affectionate and showed each other love on all kinds of levels, from holding hands, to deep hugs, and even from time to time, real kisses (not those ones shared by siblings). That relationship, however, had never escalated into anything more... for many many reasons. Fortunately, our honesty with one another made our friendship stick, even with distance and opposing schedules. But the 'right now' in my saga of men had come across me in a spine twisting laughing fit caused by my homeboy right as we were leaving and he was entering the theatre. He caught my eye, and I just waved thinking nothing of it... Until I saw his expression. It was raw and out in the open, which I definately did NOT expect. My homeboy, seeing this exchange, gave me a kiss (on the cheek) and a hug telling me he would call me later, knowing that I would probably want to talk. As he walked off, 'right now' made his way over to where I was standing.

I took a deep breath
"Look, I told you from jump what the situation was with me. You told me that you couldn't handle it and I understood. Half the time, most guys walk away the moment they hear my status, but you... you stuck around even though you knew you weren't gonna get any because you felt that you would be cool bein my friend.
Then we kissed... I knew that I shouldn't have put you in that situation, but I am a human being and I'm single and I do what I want for the most part. And honestly, you put yourself in that position and you accepted it without any complaints. But you maintained your stance on not wanting anything more than a friendship. So we're friends, and as friends, you saw me out with another guy. It doesn't matter who that was. Who do YOU really want to be to me is the real question?"

I was met with silence.

"Look, he's a friend that I've had for a very long time. We are just friends. This is far more than you deserve, but I told you I would never front, lie, or hide. So you asked and I'm tellin."

I began walking away cause I was essentially done with this situation.

"I'm officially confused."

I stopped, turned and looked at him. He had a facial that I didn''t quite understand.

"Confused about what?"
"About what I'm feelin."

I shrugged.

"Figure it out and get back to me."

I've dealt with one male situation after another and I can honestly say, that was the most honest any man has ever been with me. But I think that was only possible because he was really self aware and understood his motives very well. For whatever reason, most men don't really self reflect enough to fully understand what they want or don't want clear enough to explain it to someone else. Unfortunately, he never really got it together... In the end, he just went through the motions until he found a woman he could understand himself with. I don't really talk to him anymore... but I sometimes wonder about what would have happened if I had given in on the decision to maintain that sex free status. I actually think about that every time a situation with a guy goes sour...

What is better? I don't know if I'll ever know... I've been essentially single for 23 years, and I'm no closer to knowing if what I'm doing is the Right thing than when I first made it back in high school.

"Stay until you are in love- then move like you have never moved before"- I have yet to do so...