A fictional tale (pt. 3)

I leaned forward and placed the almost empty glass down on the table and lifted his untouched glass bringing it to rest on my lap. Unexpectedly, he stood and began this pacing that I guess had become his new method of thought processing. I listened as he rambled going back and forth from one end of the expansive living room to the other, taking brief moments to stop and look at me.

'I know that there is no real reason why I should be here. I promised you space, but I needed to see you. But I know that you are going to tell me that if I loved you then I would have sacrificed my own selfish needs and given you what you wanted, but I just…,' a sigh. It escaped from him so powerfully, the hair on my posterior neck was tousled by its strength. He walked over to me then. His scent, a mixture of aftershave and signature cologne (Black), wafted through my nostrils into the memory centers of my brain triggering a sea of unbridled images and moments filled with laughter and tears, hatred and love, sex and conversation. Thoughts that I'd meticulously folded neatly and packed away in storage, never to be touched again.

He gently took the glass from me hands taking a sip before putting it behind him. Placing his large hands on my bended knees, he tried to capture my eyes, but I refused, choosing to linger longer on my now intertwined fingers. He raised a single finger to meet the base of my chin and lifted, heat rising to my face knowing that he would see. And he did. The tears had begun their descent down my face, one lone soldier after the other in a silent march of solace and pain. He brought his hands up to cradle my face, doing all that he could to erase their trail. A futile attempt. Smoothly, I brought my hands to my own face and began wiping the tears, breaking his embrace.

'I want you to leave.' The words came almost inaudibly, and if I had not said them myself, I would have doubted their existence. His presence imprisoned me in a state of upsetednessocity and I was desperate to find the key, frantically in need to find fresh air.

'No you don't.' My eyes met his and the certainty of his statement discovered the legless stance in which his beliefs stood.

'Ok, maybe you do…. But I have to know. Do you still love me? Can we work thru this? I'm drowning over here and I just need to know if we can'

My furrowed brow held in check my angered outburst that was soon to erupt. HOW can you ask me this now?! NOW when I am no where near ready?! Don't you KNOW what I've been through?! NO, you don't! Because you weren't here! Because you couldn't bare to be with me?! I can't do this and I do wish you would get out. NOW! My mind stood on table tops shouting at the top of its nerves, atoms clenched, dendrites diggin into the palms of lobes, but I sat silent. I didn't respond, I just sat. And he waited, unmovable because he was drinking me in not knowing when he would have this opportunity again.

'Please… I don't want to go without knowing,' He quietly implored. I had to move. The proximity was too much and I was overdosing on the feel of his hands on me. I pushed his hands away from my knees and unfolded my legs, forcing his retreat from his lowered position in front of me. As I got up, he stood as well and brought himself dangerously close to me; however keeping his hands by his side, rather than scooping me up in his embrace. I looked up into his deep set windows of soundless glass, placing one small hand against his cheek.

'I have nothing to say to you.' And with that, I swiftly turned to walk toward the door. My movement was halted by his hands as they broke rank and enveloped my waist in one effortless motion pulling me to him. Chest against back, he buried his tear streaked face in the nook where my shoulder blade met my neck. I wrapped his embrace with one of my own and it was within that moment that the sobs finally came. For so long, I had lamented my loss and exiled my instinctual emotion because it was too much to bare. But within the bends of his arms, the reaction attacked my soul and I felt every inch of my loss. Our loss. Our baby.