My first time

Let me start off by saying thank you bunches for all the advice (especially Jameil)... I ended up deciding to work Mon and Wed so that I can keep making the extra change for two more weeks. Ok- on to the post...

I have been feeling a bit lonely recently....Part of it is within my own head, but part of it is me feeling a little disjointed. I have no circle of friends and it's made things a little bit up in down in my social environment making me feel a bit insecure. This led me to last night. I really wanted to go downtown, but I had no one to go with. People were either out of town, not picking up, or just didn't want to go. I always speak out about being independent and comfortable with doing things on my own (going to dinner, movies, etc), however I felt a bit uncomfortable going downtown alone so I started to feel low, cause I really wanted to go dancing. Needed to go dancing. In conjunction with some adult beverage that was mixed by someone attractive. But didn't want to go at it alone. I went back and forth for a bit on the subject, not knowing how the night would turn out. I thought about starting a book, but I know me and books and I have a tendency not to put them down until I finish them and I need to study for my final on Tues. Then I considered renting a movie, but that would not alleviate my desire to go dancing. I tried a few people that I don't really consider friends to see if they were available to no avail. So... in true fashion, I said 'fuck it, I'm going at it alone.'

I got ready, pulling my hair back tightly in a cascading waterfall of braids and applying flawless makeup. I wore a white tube top that was a bit sporty and some midnight blue jeans that hugged in the right places. I gazed at myself in the mirror for a bit, smiled, sprayed some Gardinia across my exposed shoulders and ducked out. I called a friend and we sat speaking on the phone until I reached downtown and I ended up sitting on the phone for about 45min chatting. Finally I made my move to the bar I usually go to and walked in. Walking in on the second floor to the cool air, the dark atmosphere, the smell of the fog machines, and the music made me smile from ear to ear. I was here... alone... and I kinda liked it. Because in alot of ways, I am alone... but I hold myself back from doing things alone because...maybe I'm scared... But last night was a mild stepping stone to breaking that mentality. I mean, in general, not specifically to the club scene.

I bought a drink and ended up seeing some people I had met a few weeks prior with another friend of mine who had known them for years. I ended up spending the entire evening with them and had the most outstanding time. It really was amazing being a part of their world for a bit. Having a group of people that you hang out with and spend your time with regularly... comfortably... religiously... that you share your life with... It was a great thing to be exposed to and to see the love they had for each other and lended to me was just... it was great. Supposedly I was inducted to 'the crew', but who knows if drunkly spoken words have any weight. All I know is that whatever happens, I am becoming more and more comfortable going at it alone...