Twenty years has passed since that day. I revisit it each year and look at my former self. I sit with that little girl and smile at her unknowing face hoping she doesn't see the sadness that lies behind my eyes. She runs and sits onto the corner of her mommy's bed- watching as the last breath is exhaled. She knows nothing of what has just occurred and is eager for the time when her mother looks at her again. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that hold all the worlds greatest secrets. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that ease any questionable feelings. Looks at her with those gentle eyes that know all about her heart. Just…looks at her.
Because it had been weeks since she had truly looked at her. I walk over to her and place my hand on her four year shoulder that now carries a new burden not yet felt. I whisper all that I can to help her know and understand that everything will be ok. She pulls away and crawls to her mother's side, wrapping herself in her mother's still warm embrace- because that is where she is safe. It is within that moment that my tear falls because I am unable to remember that feeling. That feeling of my mother's embrace.
Although sirens are heard and commotion is soon to come, she falls asleep. Safe in the still warm embrace of her mother's arms. And I envy her. So I climb into that very bed and crawl up into that very spot and rest my head exactly where it should be…. And I am safe. Safe in the still warm embrace of my mother's arms. I long to stay in this moment until there is no longer a sense of time, but I know that I cant. Soon I will awake; and my four year old form will dissipate from my mind's eye. And her embrace will no longer be felt. I will be left here- without her…. But not yet. For now- I am still safe. Safely asleep in my mother's still warm embrace.
And as heaven's shift and night becomes day, I am retured to my present. My present where she has no place in the physical. But her spirit guides me and it lights my way through life… with a gentle light… just as she looked at me…. Gentle- with those eyes that knew all about my heart.
Because it had been weeks since she had truly looked at her. I walk over to her and place my hand on her four year shoulder that now carries a new burden not yet felt. I whisper all that I can to help her know and understand that everything will be ok. She pulls away and crawls to her mother's side, wrapping herself in her mother's still warm embrace- because that is where she is safe. It is within that moment that my tear falls because I am unable to remember that feeling. That feeling of my mother's embrace.
Although sirens are heard and commotion is soon to come, she falls asleep. Safe in the still warm embrace of her mother's arms. And I envy her. So I climb into that very bed and crawl up into that very spot and rest my head exactly where it should be…. And I am safe. Safe in the still warm embrace of my mother's arms. I long to stay in this moment until there is no longer a sense of time, but I know that I cant. Soon I will awake; and my four year old form will dissipate from my mind's eye. And her embrace will no longer be felt. I will be left here- without her…. But not yet. For now- I am still safe. Safely asleep in my mother's still warm embrace.
And as heaven's shift and night becomes day, I am retured to my present. My present where she has no place in the physical. But her spirit guides me and it lights my way through life… with a gentle light… just as she looked at me…. Gentle- with those eyes that knew all about my heart.
12 comments:
Very touching Desy...and what a beautiful picture of your mom!
a mothers love
nothing like it in the world
and it's always important to pull out that inner child because it helps us to remember that life shouldn't be take that seriously and that you should always love like you've never been hurt
regardless of what's happened in the past
thanx
that is so sad!! makes me wanna call my momma right now!!
Emotions so vivid that I could feel your every word. Yes, we both live in spirit with those who absolutely touched our hearts. Enjoyed the read.
It's great that you have such a great sense of your mother after 20 years. You can feel the emotion in your words. Great job.
Beautiful
I love it.
First time on the blog...no doubt I'm coming back!
e.
thanks diva- must pay homage
james, i'm guess i will fall in love with reservations, but once there- it will be unbridled...
you and me both j
i had to do it on her day don... i hope she's not disappointed
rah- i definately felt them when I read them, so i'm glad it translated
e- such an interesting time for you to walk in on my blog... but you are most welcome and i look forward to seeing u around these parts...lol. thank you
beautiful
for real
i dont have the words
That was beautiful. I can't even explain how so...but it was. Your words were full of emotion and I felt everything you said.
goodness, D.
beautifully done.
the pain of losing a parent never fades.
i know that pain all 2 well.
20 years, hunh?
well, i KNOW she's proud of u.
-1-
dej- it always helps to write it out.. and this year... i shared...
charlie.. can i call you charlie?..lol.. thank you for appreciatin my pen work
i.can't- a child always needs to know that... thank you for bein her voice...or typists..lol
this was beautifully written and though I don't know the feeling, I can only assume that it's something that has to be a tremendous burden to live with especially losing her at such a young age.
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