Do it!

'We don't have to have sex' mumbled between kisses as hands wander up and down my upper frame.

'Stop, stop, stop, stop' my hand pushes him away trying to collect myself but not really being successful at it.

'I just wanna make you cum baby. Just let me do that for you.'

That's when I become completely sobered and I stop this scenario that I have been in time and time again for as long as I have been kissing boys alone in their apartment/dorm/car.

All of my friends (and when I say all, I mean ALL) have said to me at one point or another that I should just let them. To date, I have never been completely naked in front of another human being. I recall one incident where my panties were off (while shirt was still on), but it lasted a whole 1min, thus being dismissed as a figment of my imagination rather than a situation of carnal pleasure. Honestly, it was uncomfortable and I didn't get anything out of it; thus fortifying my resolve that no man can bring me pleasure like I can do for myself.

But almost EVERY man that I have entertained or been truly interested in since 18 has harped on their abilities to make me cum. It becomes, almost, an obsession. 'Let me prove it to you. Take 'em off now and I'll work it out. I don't even need anything in return. I just want to give you the experience of your lifetime.' Really? Do you? Wow... such a proposal. What a fool I am to resist such a proposition.


You know what I have NEVER heard. 'I want to make you happier than any man has ever done before. I want to treat you like the wonderful, educated, sweet, Haitian American woman that you are. I wanna be your man.' Most guys don't believe me when I say that. I always point out 'what have you offered me...? That's right... sex only...So how you gonna tell me you don't believe me.'

It's hard. DAMN hard. I had to fight tooth and nail to build the self esteem that I managed to scrap up during middle and high school despite being the only person who didn't have a boyfriend for the ENTIRE 7 years from Pied.mont Mid.dle thru graduation from We.st Or.ange High. Then college hit, and I felt like I had missed the memo. Wha...? I'm suppose to go to your house? I'm suppose to call you? I'm suppose to ask you out? Really? This is the main reason why I have so many friends that I've kissed, or cuddled with. I went in and took what I was missin in my life... but then when they pushed for sex without the relationship, I bucked and lightened the interaction to 'homie' status (removal of cuddle/kissing privileges now). I couldn't do the sex then relationship pattern that everyone seemed to be following. It almost felt like people were backing into relationships rather than taking the time to really get to know the person. And there were so many aggressive girls that I just fell into the backdrop. Most times... the girls didn't even get the relationship and I would hear my male friends speak so poorly of said female of the hour, which further assisted in my resolve to never drop trou without trustin the guy wholeheartedly. Eventually, guys who fell off rather than maintain my friendship would cross my path a few months later (as I became stronger in my womanhood, thus dressin better and walking more confident) and would throw out those tired lines: 'Why don't you call me? Why don't you come over no more? I've been thinkin about you. I miss you' You really miss me? *looking down at my phone* How would I know that? You don't show that you miss me. You just got words. I'm suppose to be moved by that? Really? *throwing up the dueces and makin sure the rocks felt my stomp as.i.walk.away.*

I'm thinking, when I get outta college, it'll get better. Well, I was met by a hard truth. No it's not. Men are just as passive in the corporate world as they are in college. Most date white women (at least from what I see). The rest expecting me to call incessantly. Don't get it twisted, I don't mind calling, or checkin in... but do I really have to be the one who does it all the time?? I've mastered the art of picking up men that I find appealing. And what do I do? I make the first move. I call... I don't mind doing that, cause I made the pursuit. I saw you, I wanted you, I'll pursue. And I did that for awhile. But more recently, no one has really made me want to move, so I've been on the receiving end of the pursuit. I'm not met with the same style. I'm pursued via text message... with light convo and no inquisition as to when he and I might possibly link up. Until Friday rolls around. Then text: 'you gonna be at ant.i.gua, cause I'm tryna see your pretty face.' I don't usually reply.

If we get past all this, and we actually get to a place where I do end up getting to know him as a person and he gets to know me as a person; that is when that trusty line makes it's appearance: 'I just wanna make you cum.'


That's it?!? 'Well, I don't know if I'm ready to be committed' or 'I'm not at a place where I want a lady' or 'I'm just not sure about you and me on that locked down level'... but you wanna make me cum KNOWING that I've never, and understanding that it could quite possibly deepen my emotional tie to you. *nodding head* Ok.. can I just say I have a confused face on right now. I DON'T GET IT.


I understand the whole ego thing; a man makin a woman twist up over what he is doing or did do or could've done or might've done boosts any man's mental and sometimes even gets him off depending on the situation. But is that ALL you want from me? Is that all you want to offer me? And how much do you respect me to believe that that is all I deserve? How can you allow your mouth to slide into the position to even utter such a weak proposition when looking at me and knowing how I am?

A blow to my self esteem. I'm not gonna lie. It is. Because I KEEP getting it. And as my friends laugh and tell me to 'Do it'... I'm softly crying because I don't want that to be all I'm worth. An ego stroke. You pleasured the virgin and may eventually want something more.... maybe... depending... whatever.

*sigh*.....