I've been thinking about it for as long as I can remember. That moment when my life went from one direction into another. Not in a little way, like dessert or no dessert, but in a major way.
I sometimes feel as tho I am not suppose to be where I am; like somehow, my cards got mixed up somewhere along the way. I know that biblically speaking, that is no possible- all things happen for a reason and that reason leads His children to the destination that He has for them (regardless of what happens in the mean time). But there are moments and sometimes days when I truly feel as if this life is not suppose to be mine.
Moments for me:
Her presences in my life as more than spirit and faith. Walking the path she guided with words rather than the path I felt closest to her through. Adolescent hatred of her rather than yearning for her arms during fits of silent tears. Conversations with her as a fellow woman about men and interactions rather than...not
Not saying yes. Loving him as strongly and as deeply as I did, my best friend- I still don't fully understand my hesitation. Knowing that my father probably wouldn't have allowed me to date, and being a school girlfriend didn't seem like something he could do. Plus he was so ready to have sex, and I so wasn't. But if I did say yes, I would have known love like no other. He would've been my first. I don't know if I could have kept him from the dark road he ended up going down, but that's his path and I won't speculate having that kind of power... but my life would have definately being different.
Not getting accepted. I would have been in Tampa at this time becoming an audiologist rather than a speech therapist. My relationship with my parents probably wouldn't have been what it is. I would have definately been different- flexing those independent muscles at 22 in incredible academic dept with alot more exposure to black men that are interested in black women (cause when I visit there- they holler across the street...lol; but my friends who live there say that happens all the time-so I don't get bigheaded..lol).
Fucking up my arm. I worked with autistic children in a residential facility. One night- I pulled one out of the road before he got hit by a car. In the process, I ripped open my upper right arm. This changed how I looked at alot of things... and handled certain things... and viewed certain people. My already short tolerance became shorter.
But I'm here. And for the most part, I know that I'm suppose to be...But sometimes I find it therapeutic to think about what/who I would be if my path had not been altered in some of those 'by choice' and 'not by choice ways'.
13 comments:
All these happen for a reason... you are where you are suppose to be and everything that has happened, even if you dont know why right now... one day you will understand why they played out that way... good reflection!
you are so thoughtful. when i look back at what wouldn't have happened if i'd had things the way i thought they should be, i actually love the trajectory of what happened b/c i finally stepped out of me.
I dont see anything wrong with reflection. In fact, before you know it...you will be reflecting back on this year. Maybe next time you reflect, you will see where you made all the best choices you possibly could.
Refection is Okay ;-)
honestly, I know everything happens for a reason, but I really can't begin to believe that this is where I'm supposed to be at 18 years of age. I hope there is a bigger purpose for me other than this. it hurts.
But, as for everything that has happened, do you really think that, had any of those things occurred, you would be the same person you are today? maybe not dramatically changed, but do you think you would feel some of the things you feel or think some of the things you think, had those occurrences and/or more not occurred or turned out differently? and wht would really be different in your opinion?
Here are some of my moments:
What if I didn't pull out that jewelry box for her birthday? She never woulda told me that she wasn't ready to get married and killed the relationship (It wasn't a ring by the way)
What if I didn't decide I was smarter than everyone else and try to take money that wasn't mine.
What if I woulda actually went to Morehouse my junior year?
@eb- that's what i hear...and for the most part, I am happy to be in the place that I find myself
@j- well how could you not? you are team captain in makin the blog...lol
@don- for whatever reason, I've never thought of those- but I just might...thanx
@yc- it's how i stay on the right path
@adonis- i couldn't concretely tell you what would be different because those things didn't happen.. but i know that there would definately be a significant change if one of the first two happened
@rj- damn, she got freaked out over a box... i would have at least let the proposal happen first... wow- you married... that would definately be interesting
damn...after reading RJ's I completely lost my train of thought! WOW!!!
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All I can say Desy, is that things happen for a reason. It's weird we both did a post on Reflections on the same day even! GMTA!
i remember seeing that scar on one of your pictures
that must have been a traumatic experience for you
you are so brave
saving a person's life is like the greatest gift you can give to anybody other than creating them
you have such a wonderful spirit to go with your beautiful exterior
any man that is lucky enough to have you will certainly have a prize posession
@op d... can you please tell me what GMTA means
i'm gonna lose my mind if you don't
@diva- don'tchu know we got the same brain waves...lol
@tub- *blushing averting eyes*- thank you James
beautiful post forcing me into reflection.
What if he never left.
What if I just clicked send.
What if she never said the things she said.
I wear those questions on my sleeve.
But you know that.
Your paths (you've heard this one) helped mold you into the STRONG woman you are today.
GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike!
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