Some late night self analysis

I wrote this at like 2am this morning... but didn't post it until I re-read it and made sure I wrote what I was thinking accurately... cause a late mind is an altered mind...lol

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be ‘that’ girl. You know the one: perfect personality, smile, and parents to boot with all the confidence in the world. The one that has every man wrapped around her pretty little manicured finger while making sure that ‘beck and call’ was synonymous with ‘interacting with the opposite sex’. I have never been that. I’m battered, bruised… and quite different. I mean, absurdly different. I get emotional for no reason, and get heart sick over the silliest things and want to be alone while still wanting someone around and having a love/hate with my fam and school and praying for a plumber because my water still isn’t fixed!!!! And I’m compulsive. In the sense that I am a lover of routine, and when I fall into one, I can’t break it and hate the process of doing so. That’s part of the reason why I get nervous dealing with a new person that I like. See, with someone that I like, I do this thing. This thing is something that I have developed in my older years and have yet to break. See, this thing is me, calling every day, or wanting to be called every day, and talking endlessly, and seeing one another as frequently as humanly possible, and do all that I can do to get to know you in the shortest span of time possible. It’s never really a successful measure in all honesty, but I try to do it regardless. I engorge myself on who you are and feast upon it for endless hours, examing every angle so that I can have your image tattooed in my mind’s eye without question. And if you change, I get scared. Ridiculously scared…; because I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be ok with letting a day or two go bye…without a word. But I’m not… Instead, I sit and wonder if you feel what I feel...you know, that absurd 'miss' feeling that shouldn't be there; or understand what I’m going through because I shouldn't feel that 'miss' feeling; or are you even thinking about it on any kind of level. And I usually subside to the knowledge that it is probably just me, and that’s why I should just forget about being ‘that’ girl. People rarely, if ever, jump out of their skin for me. What does that mean, you may wonder… It’s the process by which a person completely moves outside of themselves… outside of the safe zone and leap into the unknown… regardless of if their knowledge on whether or not there is sure footing there is sound… but just because the possibility of it is so penetrable, that it has moved the mind into a state of perpetual forward projection and has forced a new state of being to evolve. That wrecklessly in love individual.

Is it a downfall that I have never been hurt? I think it is some…lemme rephrase that…. I think it is MOST days. Why? Well because I can’t relate. I don’t know how to be any different from the girl who stares at me every morning. She is open and blunt and giving and aggressive and what’s everything when she wants it… which is usually right at that second… because in truth… her state of infatuation and lust may fade away if not nourished by a true connection. I mean… it only takes a day of distance… Because she runs. She runs like there is no tomorrow and cops are on her ass for the one million kilos of (illegal substance here) found… all because she feels unwanted and doesn’t want to stick around to find out. That’s all it is… that not so subtle manner that I have when I resist it all… It’s just me leaving before being told I’m unwanted. It’s the saddest thing sometimes… analyzing myself and seeing such antics. And I can’t stop either. I’ve tried… but my heart will shut down so fast… and my interest will fade just as quickly, if not more so, all because I’m trying to protect my corazon. Such a fragile and delicate thing, a woman’s heart… and mine is pretty beat up from life situations working out in ways that kinda roughed me up a little in the mental without a soft gentle motherly tone that tells me that I'm loved regardless…